FIRST.SOL --------- WARNING: This is the solution to "My First Stupid Game" by Dan McPherson . The game is simple-minded enough as it is without having the solution sitting in front of you, so printing this file out and then playing the game straight through according to these instructions is most likely not going to be as much fun as figuring it out on your own. This file is here for two reasons: 1) If you get stuck, you can come here to get unstuck. (Although I have added built-in help to assist you with the two things I feel might be the most difficult to figure out.) 2) Once you've finished the game, you can check here to see if you've missed anything, find out about alternate endings you may not have tried, etc. Okay, here's the walkthrough: Basically, you have to piss, and the object of the game is to find a way to relieve yourself without having to soil yourself, pee on the floor, or anger any large, ferocious animals in the process. If you don't relieve yourself soon enough, there's a random chance that your bladder could explode on any turn. If this happens, well, sorry. There's no rhyme or reason to it, you just randomly explode. You'll have to start over. The first room you are in is the Red Room. Things you can examine: the floor, the guitar picks on the floor, the door on the south wall, a turkey sandwhich, the posters on the wall. The posters can be examined either as a group ("EXAMINE POSTERS") or individually ("EXAMINE POSTER", after which the program asks you to specify which one). Also try smelling everything. Get the turkey sandwich. Eat it if you want, although I don't think I would. It doesn't matter whether you get the guitar picks or not. Now go south into the Purple Room. Oops, open the door and then go south. There's a toilet here! Ah, relief at last! Or maybe not. Examine the toilet -- some idiot has put a lock on it. Try pissing in it anyway. No good? Well, then you'll have to find the key. Go north back into the Red Room and then west into the Blue Room. Everything in the room is blue. Try "LOOK AT THINGS." Exciting, huh? Ignore that flashlight, you won't need it. There's a blue crayon, which you can pick up and then use to write on things. As a matter of fact, someone has already used the crayon to write some graffiti on the walls. Read the graffiti, and it will give you a cryptic clue about what to do next. Sammy Hagar? If you don't listen to Van Halen and/or didn't bother looking at the posters in the Red Room, this clue probably does you no good. I thought about using the Beatles ("Ringo has the key") in order to identify with older players, but, well, I didn't. If this clue does you no good and you wander around aimlessly for 15 or so turns without figuring out what to do next, a ringing telephone will appear. Answer it, and it will tell you exactly what to do. Namely: Go back into the Red Room and type "GET POSTER", followed by "SAMMY HAGAR" (to specify which poster). [Hint: you can also use "GET HAGAR", or "GET SAMMY", but none of "GET SAMMY HAGAR", "GET HAGAR POSTER", or "GET SAMMY HAGAR POSTER" will work. This is not because I'm an asshole. I just can't get the AGT compiler to accept multiple adjectives.] At any rate, removing the poster uncovers a hole in the wall. Examine the hole. Foreboding, isn't it? Ah, what the hell, it's just a game. Go east and enter the dingy hallway. Go north, and then north again. Now you should be in the Gross Room. The key to the toilet is in this room. Type "GET KEY." Whoops, I lied! You do need the flashlight. Go back and get it, and then come back here. Turn on the flashlight and then take a look around. Holy shit, there's a ferocious bear in here! Why didn't I tell about that earlier? Well, you have a couple of options now. You can run back to the south, which won't work because the bear's blocking the exit, or you can sit around twiddling your thumbs until the bear pounces on you and eats you alive (this part is really cool -- you should try it at least once), or you can piss on the bear. Pissing on the bear causes him to dissolve just like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz, and then you can get the key and continue on with the game. I'm lying again; if you piss on the bear he'll tear you to shreds, but it's cool and funny so you should definately do it. Anyway, at some point you'll have gotten killed in every way possible and you'll want to actually finish the game. When you get to that point, feed the turkey sandwich to the bear, with either "GIVE SANDWICH TO BEAR", or "FEED SANDWICH TO BEAR", or just "DROP SANDWICH". (I hope you didn't eat the sandwich back around turn number 2.) After this, the ferocious bear becomes a complacent, happy bear, and won't care what you do as long as you don't piss on him or try to attack him or something. Oh, yeah! I forgot to have you attack him before. Try it now. Attack the bear with that stupid crayon. It's a good idea, really. All right, back to the game. Look at the key. Gross, huh? Well, when you've really gotta go, you have to put up with some less than pristine accommodations, so pick up the key. Take time to look around the room. Be sure to check out the bones and the walls, and read the message on the wall. Oh, that's right, you still need to piss, and you have the key now. Go back to the Purple Room and unlock the toilet. No time to bother with that picture, just go ahead and piss. Feel better now? Good. Okay now let's have a look at that picture of Barney the dinosaur in the toilet. Reach in and pick it up. Remember the message on the Gross Room wall? That's right, tear up that nasty picture and get your 2 points back. [Hint: if you'd picked up the picture before you pissed on it, you would have only lost one point, for a net gain of a point. Of course, your bladder might have exploded while you where doing it -- I was just trying to help you out.] Well, now that you've relieved yourself, there's not much else left to do. Wander around for a while, smell things, write on the walls with the crayon. You might want to wander back up to the Gross Room and talk to the bear for a while, now that both of you are in a better mood. After the bear reminds you of your breach of etiquette, go back and flush the toilet. The game is now over. If you did everything I said, and if you picked up the Barney poster before pissing on it and then ripped it up, you should have the maximum score of 5 points. There's only one thing left to try, and that's to go back and piss in your pants at some point during the game. This also ends the game, but is less violent than being killed by the bear. Also, if your bladder never exploded you might want to restart the game and then just wander around for a while without pissing until that happens. I wouldn't want you to miss that experience. I think that's about it. Oh, except that if you type "PISS ON WALLS", or "SHIT", the game has an amusing comeback. If you have any comments, flames, or suggestions, please write to: mcphersond@vtls.com Thanks for playing my stupid game.