ROCKPOOL'S ROTTENAuthorities have warned that the Three-Falls Rockpool area is unsafe due to fungus. Five people have died, already, this year. Given the link between the south end, and the Batcave, we must determine if the Batcave will shortly also suffer from this problem.
PEST TO BE ERADICATEDRat-ant population levels have plummeted in the last 3 years, claims Gelatin Fez, spokesmodel for the Bozbo branch of PAWL (People for All Wild Life). She claims that the recent fashion of rat-ant-eyebrow cloaks among the richer members of society is largely to blame. While the misguided may see this as a tragedy, spelunkers everywhere are heartened by the removal of these nasty critters from tunnels and caves, and have encouraged the continuation of this trend. We also wonder if a market could be found for trolls, rock-moles, g***s, rock-worms, and dragons.
MACHINE NO LONGER ARCANEThe workings of the Arcane Machine in the Southeastern sector of the Great Underground Highway have been deciphered by local lass Dymphnia Barbaz. In addition to being fully outfitted by Frobozzco Spelunker Stop, the Arcane Machine allowed access to a previously unexplored area, netting her several valuable treasures. This challenge has stood for eight months, so congratulations to her, and expect a full report in next month's issue.
Our next challenge: who can defeat the Multicoloured Sand Rooms (Along the Grand Crosscut, approximately halfway between the Central Guard Post and the Two-Level Chessboard)? The winner of this gets fully outfitted, thanks to Frobozzco Spelunker Stop.
MEMENTO MORIDeaths this month:
The number of deaths from starvation, exposure and g***s are far too high. There's no excuse for not packing enough food. There's no excuse for swimming underground without enough heat and warm clothing. Running out of light suggests not just carelessness, but reckless incompetence.
While even starvation or exposure can result from a little bad luck, g*** deaths are the only death that can be totally avoided, by simply carrying more than enough light. Really, in this day and age, if you're left in the dark you deserve to become a statistic. Fungus deaths are a worry, on the rise for the fourth successive month. Will we have to seal off certain areas completely, or is there a way to defeat this problem?
PERTINENT THOUGHT FOR THE DAYIt's t*** that you'll *** meeting a g***
Your death will be g***some, g***lling and grim.
So when off to fight, take plenty of light
And make sure its pickings are slim.
PARA-D HARNESSES (Advertisement)Dave D. says "Para-D is the safest way."
Available at leading stockists.
D-CS RECALLEDClamber Climbers have issued a recall of d-carabiners serial #348271 to #380000. Apparently a manufacturing fault, now rectified, resulted in some of them jamming under normal use.
OUT WITH OLD, IN WITH THE NEWIn the recent earthquake which rocked the northern region, several areas were completely sealed off. Say goodbye to The Honeycomb, Box Rooms, Crossroad Trench, and Serpentine Lake for the moment. On the bright side, two new areas have been revealed due to this. Explorers have tentatively named them Obsidian Cathedral, and The Brickworks. In addition, 3 spelunkers unfortunately died.
SWING SPRUNGA team of nine Amizonians has reportedly managed to get through The Swing. "You can't do it with less", stated Team Leader Bellio Pontoon, though given that they have yet to fully explore the area beyond, they are understandably reticent about the exact method. Hopefully they'll be more talkative in the coming months.
RATHER INACCURATE NAMESeveral new cave systems have been discovered that link to Rather Large Cave in recent months. Is there a need for renaming?
READER RESPONSE ROUSES ROZZOResponding to several of our readers' complaints about the temperature of the Frobozz Magic Battery Operated Lantern Company model XZ3102, Managing Director Porco Rozzo stated "We do realise that this particular item does burn hot, but power is guaranteed to last as long as our older models, and we felt that since this model is primarily used for spelunking, our customers would welcome something that gave off warmth down in the caves, reducing the need to carry fuel for a fire". If any of our readers remain dissatisfied by this, Mr Rozzo has agreed to exchange, without charge, your lantern for an older in-stock version - just return it to the place of purchase.
ANTIG*** CANNEDThe Frobozz Magic Chemical Company has announced the discontinuation of their line of G*** Repellers. "There just wasn't the consumer demand", claimed a spokesman. Back when they were first released, we noted that spelunkers would not stand the critical timing required to use them. No changes have been made to their line of G*** Repellents.
JUMBINO 3 REOPENEDLittle Elephant Cave System's tertiary entrance has finally been cleared, after last year's rock-slide. Authorities have stated that it is now safe to use.
YOUR SAYSurvey results are in. Backpack of choice by a 2 to 1 margin was the Forte. It's obvious that Guernsey Hulk's Adventurer Apparel is doing something right.
This month's question: What's your favourite rope?
Responses to: ST Survey, PO Box 17904, Pheenix, P407902