if you died tomorrow

config.style.page.color: "#222222 on #FFF5F9" config.style.page.link.color: "#222222" config.style.dark.page.color: "#E5FBFF on #222222" config.style.dark.page.link.color: "#E5FBFF" -- [align center] # *if you died tomorrow* [[Start]]

"Sooo many places here, and I mean it, sooo many places here are just *drowning* in evidence! But the most damning of all... is this entire room." Holly looked around. The room was definitely something else, even for Passerine Hills standards. Old wooden furniture was carefully carved with elaborate flowery designs, ones that looked like they'd bend and yield just like real plants under someone's touch. The bookshelves were filled with beautifully bound books, worn out just enough that it's clear they were read once upon the time. Smell of old paper and wilting flowers tied everything together; this place had a [[history]], and a long one at that.

"The whole room was Aurelia's idea", Izzy continued, sitting down in the old armchair behind the desk. They nodded at Holly, letting her know that she can sit down opposite of them. "Because Beatrice, she- let's be real here, I think she was, y'know. Bit neurodivergent, I think." Among all the natural rich browns, Izzy looked extremely out of place with their electric blue hair, deep pink contact lenses, and neon green *brat* t-shirt. They looked even more bizarre now, with a portrait of their great-grandmother – [[Beatrice Terrell]] – looming behind them. The woman in the painting was nothing like them; her sharp, angular features and a stern, almost scornful glare were such a contrast to a small, playful smile on Izzy's soft, somewhat boyish face. At least one thing was consistent between the two: strange, unsettling paleness.

"'Cause, like, she hated loud noises and- there's a lot more evidence in Aurelia's diaries, but the most important thing is that Beatrice got *really* overstimulated sometimes and she was- she was kinda a bitch about it, which I get..." "So Aurelia made this place for her, oh my God", Holly whispered. "A quiet room for her to recover." Now it made sense why only the faintest sound of the bass from the weekly Terrell Hall party reached them – if this is how it muffled out modern sound systems, it must've been deathly quiet almost two centuries ago. "Heyyy, [[smart girl]]!"

Holly felt her cheeks heating up. She knew that blushes don't really show that well on dark skin but a part of her was still scared that Izzy would somehow notice that slight change in tone. There was no reason for her to react like that – at least she thought so. This was just mild praise, nothing big, so why would she feel so... She struggled to find the right word in her thoughts. "You're alright?", Izzy asked. Holly played a little with the hem of her powder pink sweater. She wasn't sure. There was something about this situation, the proximity, the smile on Izzy's face. Something about it all made her feel uneasy. Something about it all made her feel... warm. "I'm fine", Holly lied. "[[Continue]]."

"With what?" "[[Aurelia]] and Beatrice." "Oh! Right. Where was I..." "That this room was for Beatrice." Holly figured out early on that Izzy keeps forgetting things. She couldn't help but remember things about people, from big ones to those that just didn't seem noticeable to others, and she could always see that brief look of genuine confusion on Izzy's face whenever they lost track of the conversation. It was just a second, a split moment that nobody else could probably see, but that's how she knew that they're not doing this on purpose.

"Right. So, Aurelia was *astronomically* down bad, as you can see. Like, she'd do *anything* for Beatrice." "But it wasn't mutual." Izzy leaned forward and grinned. "[[Or was it?]]", they whispered.

Holly's heart skipped a beat. Naturally, she attributed it to the twist in the story, even though she knew well that's not the case. It became even more evident as Izzy moved away again and a strange feeling of *absence* filled her chest. "You have to keep in mind, they couldn't livetweet every thought on a private account, so that's what diaries were for. Good ol' Bea had an imperial *fuckton* of those, it's just that they only sent those that made her look good to Passerine Hills' archives because, you know, reputation or whatever. And, uh... technically, [[I'm not really allowed to tell you about any of this]]."

"Then why are you telling me?", Holly asked. "Because you look like you're having fun", Izzy replied without hesitation. "And I really like to see you like that." Holly tried to find an answer to this but she couldn't. For a moment, she debated with herself if she should indulge that soft, warm feeling that knowing someone cared about what she enjoyed gave her. At first, she tried to reject it; it was, however, relentless, and she knew she wouldn't be able to get rid of it fully. "Unless you're not having fun, I mean- I'm really bad at reading people-" "No! No, [[go on]], I'm too invested now."

"So, uh... right, Bea Terrell. See, girl kinda... she was a bit of a hater, she hated everything, except Aurelia. And, uh- Aurelia died from some stupid 19th century bullshit disease waaay before her time, so... yeah." Holly winced. "You're alright?" "I'm fine, it's just... it's painful to think about. It's hard enough to recover after losing someone, I can't imagine how it'd feel to lose the only person you ever liked." This was the first time when Izzy looked away, focusing on the desk instead. Holly could tell something was wrong but [[she didn't want to ask]], just in case she might bring some bad memories to light.

"Uh, anyway", Izzy continued; something in their voice was different but Holly couldn't tell what it was exactly. "So, Beatrice doesn't take it well. Like, she keeps writing and crossing things out, tearing pages, you know." "Poor Beatrice." "Yeah... and at some point, there's just... you know, people process all that grief stuff in different ways, right? So, she makes a list of things that she regrets and things she wishes she would've done differently, and what she'd do if she knew that she might die tomorrow." "...and she mentioned Aurelia somewhere in there, [[didn't she]]?"

"All the time." "Isn't it all just... breaking your heart?", Holly asked. "So many places here are just... marked with their relationship. Like this room is just one big I love you that Aurelia never said out loud. Or how Beatrice donated all those books to the library because she knew how passionate Aurelia was about creating one, isn't that love? It's just... it's everywhere. Doesn't that make you sad?" "Why would love make me sad?" "Because [[it's tragic]] that they did all of this for each other and all they got from it was... grief and pain."

Izzy stood up and leaned forward over the desk. They looked right into Holly's eyes with an unusually serious expression on their face. "Do you think all of this didn't matter because they didn't get a happy ending?" "It's not like it didn't matter, it's just... it feels like they could've had so much more." "But they didn't. We're here because they loved each other at some point. That's what they left behind: this room, the library, and like, a shitton of other things all around, [[and it's all beautiful]]. I just don't think it's fair to them to think it's not as important. All of this had meaning because they did it for each other when they were still there, like... if you died tomorrow, I wouldn't be thinking *wow, now she'll never go to the Breakaway Ball*, I'd think *it was really cool to hang out with her when I could*, you know?"

"Is it really cool to hang out with me?", Holly asked before she could stop herself. All that eye contact and proximity made her nervous again; she wasn't sure when was the last time her heart was beating this hard. "Yeah", Izzy answered instantly. "Really fucking cool." "Sorry honey, but- can we go outside? I think I need to get out of here", Holly managed to say. She really needed air and she really needed space, and outside provided plenty of that. "You did it again. The *honey* thing. Where does that come from?" "I'll tell you [[outside]]."

The night was wonderful – not too cold, not too hot, with the full moon illuminating every single corner of Passerine Hills. Holly and Izzy stood outside of the Terrell Hall, both looking up into the sky. "So, mom kept going on tours... she always left me with this one white lady, family friend... and she had this habit of calling me honey", Holly smiled, searching for something in the pockets of her coat. "It just stayed with me, I guess." "[[It's kinda cute.]]" "It's not, it's... it's embarrassing."

"What are you so scared of?", Izzy asked, switching their attention fully to Holly. "That's embarrassing, that's cringe, that's- so what if it is? You're sharing, that's never not embarrassing." "I'm sorry", Holly said, taking out the lighter. "I'm just... I'm scared that I'll say [[too much]]." "I mean, so were Aurelia and Beatrice."

"Oh." "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that." "No, you're... you're totally right, that's... you're right", Holly sighed. "I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know how to fix it." "I always think about what I'd do if I knew I'm totally gonna die tomorrow", Izzy said with an eerily calm smile. "Guess it's not the healthiest thing but [[it works]]. I'm still nervous, it's just that I don't think about what's cringe and what's not."

Holly stared at the moon for a while. What would she do? Probably call her mom first, just to tell her that she loves her. Then, she'd call her half-brother to do the same, even though she was sure he'd just tell her she's dumb in return. After that, she'd call all the girls from the band she almost joined to tell them that maybe she doesn't regret not becoming one of them but she certainly misses them all, and that she's sorry for being so harsh to them. When that'd be done, she'd find her "bestie" to tell her that she doesn't feel like their friendship is what it used to be anymore. [[And after that...]] She hesitated. Could she ever be this... bold?

"Hey, so, uh... you're gonna smoke now?", Izzy asked, looking at the cigarettes and the lighter in Holly's hands. "I plan to do that." "Listen, I kinda hate the taste so-" "Honey, I wasn't going to force you to do it with me", Holly smiled. "No, you don't get it, [[I want to kiss you]]." The lighter and the pack of cigarettes fell out of Holly's hands right onto the cold ground.

"It's not like- you can say no", Izzy said, slightly faster than they'd talk normally. "I'll be fine if we won't, it's just- it's been- I've been thinking about it for some time maybe and you miss all shots you don't take-" "You've been *thinking about it*?!" "Maybe stop being super fucking cute if you don't want people to want to kiss you, geez!", Izzy threw their hands in the air. "You're not kidding, right?", Holly asked, trying her hardest to fight the smile that wanted to appear on her face so badly. "You really want to do that?" [["Why wouldn't I?"]]

Holly could feel her face burning. A big part of her mind kept telling her how stupid it is to admit to anything at all but she couldn't care less at the moment. "Oh my God, I'm... that's gonna sound weird, but... maybe I thought about it too." "Because I got really close to you when I leaned over the desk, right?" "*Especially* then." "[[Okay]]. Okay, that's good to know."

Izzy kneeled to pick up the cigarettes and lighter, then handed them to Holly. "You have to promise me that you won't try to put your hand in my hair", Holly said, "You have no idea how much effort goes into curly hair maintenance, you don't get to ruin all that work, alright?" "Yeah, I didn't plan to. Anything else?" "I don't think so." "Okay", Izzy nodded, then [[took a deep breath]]. "Okay", they repeated quietly as they put their hand on Holly's cheek.

It was wordless now; just eye contact, unsteady breathing, the urge to burst out laughing. It was quiet all around, with only weirdly distant bass from the party and wild heartbeats breaking the silence. And when that kiss happened, it wasn't particularly hot or mindblowing, but rather marked by a type of innocence that both of them should've long outgrown, as soft and awkward as it gets. Anything could happen tomorrow but in that very moment, everything was alright in the world.