allyouneedisatitle

a 0 can be in front of any number\nit can be invisible silence\nsomething that goes unnoticed\n01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 010\n\nor it can be something that lends strength\nto a number like\n[[10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90 100]]

"I can't make myself hate you," Macy manages to say after stalling. "Isn't that fucked up? I still care about you no matter what I do. I don't get it. I should leave you. You don't deserve me."\n\nIt stings, but you can't disagree. She doesn't deserve someone whose idea of relating to their girlfriend is to research and try to fit in with a culture that isn't theirs. You tried so hard to be an ADVOCATE when you should've been a GIRLFRIEND\n\none who talks to and listens to her partner. The guidelines for your relationship were right there in front of you, not on the Internet.\n\nYou cringe and you ask her, "you love me, don't you?"\n\nMonths into this relationship and that's the first time that word's passed through either of your lips. Macy's [[shoulders stiffen]].

fall/winter outfits are so much easier to match\nyou miss your over-sized sweaters\nand poofy coats\nand dark colors in general\n\nthere's only so much time before spring will fade into summer\nand you'll have to retire all of your leather\n\nwhen you tell your girlfriend this,\nshe calls you melodramatic\n[[and offers to buy you a lighter jacket|8 is up to interpretation]]

remember, this wasn't a love story.\n\nthis was [[something else.]]

but there's a stop-gap for your romantic interlude\nand that's the waistband\ndiscussions haven't worked\nwarming her up as much as possible hasn't worked\nbeing as SUPPORTIVE as possible hasn't worked\nyou've been doing all that you can to show her you're in this for the long haul\n\nshe spends more days in your apartment than hers\nyou're practically U-Haul'd\nso why\nwhy\n[[why won't she give in]]

trusting\ncaring\nthere for you\nshe takes care of you\nshe hugs you and holds you after a long day\nshe's a cuddler\nshe's someone you could look up to\nshe's got her own business\nshe's doing things\nyou're holding her back\n(except maybe not anymore\nwill she come back ever?)\n\nshe gave you a chance\n[[and reminded you that maybe you are worth giving a shit about after all|her details]]

You're not following her. "I'm gay."\n\n"Being queer and being lesbian are a little different. What are you?"\n\n"What's the fucking difference?" You cup some of the water and rub it into your face like it's a new ointment.\n\n"The way I see queer is that it's more encompassing. More welcoming. More <html><i>understanding</i></html>, if you get what I'm saying."\n\n"I'm understanding. I just understand ladies the most."\n\n"Right. And that's why I didn't kiss you before telling you what I'm about to tell you. I want you to hate me for an actual reason, not one made up [[in your head]]."

As if holding hands is something kids shouldn't see. As if a first date kiss isn't acceptable when there are children around. As if there's a wrong set of 2s.\n\nThat family of 1s passing by, spearheaded by a proud and happy 2 broke your 2, because they're the kind of 2 that's stronger than your kind of 2. They're the 2s that can break other 2s into 1s with just a glance.\n\nThose are the 2s that function like the letters providing the divide between A and Z. A and Z, 1 and 1; never to be 2s if B through Y are to be damned. Stay in your place. 1 and 1. A and Z.\n\nYou run your finger over your bottom lip. Your veins are heating, boiling over. You need to [[relieve your stress]].

if you focus, you can feel the thrum of a heartbeat\na pulse\nthat calming rhythmic thump of trust\nand something else\nyou squeeze and she shivers\nlocks eyes with yours\n[[and you freeze like that]]\n

"That would explain everything, wouldn't it?" She's unhappy. You try to smooth out the tension in her shoulder blades. It's not working. She doesn't recoil, but she doesn't relax. "You're self-centered."\n\n"You're too nice."\n\n"You're a sociopath."\n\n"You're beautiful."\n\n"You're fucked up."\n\n"You're amazing."\n\n"Are you a sex addict?"\n\n"I don't think so." You don't tell her how much it ached and hurt you not to have it while you two were in your PG-rated dating, hand holding stage. You had trouble sleeping.\n\n[[She pauses to consider the possibility.]]

You find out more things about her as you talk. She used to want to study architecture until she realized that it was more about the mathematics than the creativity. The pressure had gotten to her too badly, so she switched to graphic design which has pressures of its own. She has two older sisters. One of them is in Montana. The other one is in California. School spread them all out.\n\nShe had braces throughout highschool. She wasn't always as tall as she is. She once broke her hand punching a wall. She can dance a perfect hula. She has no problem drawing straight lines or circles. Her favorite shape is a trapezoid. Her favorite color is red. She prefers silk underwear to cotton. She's versatile and open to experimentation. She's not exclusively into women.\n\nShe never takes her coffee with cream or milk. The only acceptable additive for her is [[sugar]].

"And what are you addicted to, Lynn? Weird bubbly drinks and Ask Me Anything sessions?"\n\n"I wouldn't say addicted. You gave me an opportunity and I took it." You drink down more of your coffee, slightly surprised to see that Macy's joke about it had some merit. It looks less like coffee and more like some caramel hipster latte thing.\n\n"How about me?"\n\n"Hm?"\n\n"Don't I get a session with you?"\n\n"[[Sure]]."

"I guess you really did mean it when you said anything." You still can't get over the sugar thing. Throughout the conversation, she's been dropping more packets into her drink. "You should try cream. At this rate, you're going to OD on Splenda."\n\n"Cream overpowers the coffee. Look at yours. It's practically white."\n\n"Better that than piles and piles of sugar at the bottom." You reach for a spoon. "Let me see how much is in yours."\n\n"No way," Macy backs her chair up.\n\n"I wanna see. Your cup's half sugar, isn't it?"\n\n"No!" She falters. "Okay, maybe..."\n\n"It's official. You're a [[Splenda]] addict." You hate the taste of that stuff.

"You're in school, right? What are you studying?" Macy tears open a sugar packet and dumps it into her coffee. Her nails are nicely manicured. Yours are chewed. You hide yours on your lap. "I noticed your ID when you went to pay."\n\nYou're squeezed against a cramped table, sitting face to face with one another. There's no room to run, even though you don't want to. You're not even sure why that thought crossed your mind in the first place.\n\n"Business," you say. You plunge a plastic stick into your cup. She doesn't need to know that your studies have practically [[halted]] again.

she has her hands over herself\nyou want to replace hers with yours so badly\nbut no, you have to hold yourself back\nbe SUPPORTIVE, you idiot\n\nyou soap up your arm like this is any other bath\nlike questions aren't going through your head\nlike you're not getting excited wondering\n\nif she's curved if she's a straightline if she can hit you in the right places if she's big if she's small if she's pretty\nand the answer to the last one has to be yes, she's certainly [[pretty everywhere else]] so why would her penis be an exception

<html><h1>7.25.</h1></html>\n\nyou receive your first handsfree release\nwhen macy comes undone in your mouth\n\n[[she tastes like victory]]

Venus Meets Venus

"Because we had a good thing going. I'm sorry about the kiss. I just didn't know how you'd react if we did it too soon." Macy reaches up to brush back her hair, but stops herself at her hairline. "Can we <html><i>please</i></html> go somewhere more quiet?"\n\n"That shit just reminded me of everything I hate," you say as you try to come down off of your stool. You feel more cool air on your legs than you originally intended. Maybe Macy was right about your dress being too small and too tight. You pull it down and half-walk half-stumble towards the door that leads to the hallway.\n\nYou know if you fall Macy will catch you and the thought makes you smile a little.\n\nYou're a [[stupid drunk]], aren't you?

You're such a mess. You know Macy would drop you on the spot. You deserve it for being an asshole, an asshole with unfinished tattoos, an unfinished Business degree, an unfinished dating life, and an unfinished dress. You can't see anything through except for the things you know are only temporary.\n\nYou find the handicapped bathroom and pull her inside. You lock the door. Her body's rigid. Her mouth's an unkissable straight line.\n\n"Okay, talk to me," you say as you back up to the opposite wall. "Say [[whatever]] you want to say."

7 is a number with a flat-top to jump off of\nyou can bend it and time it just right\nso you can slide off of it\n7 is a sharp decline\n\n[[7 is a downpour]]

it's hard to make time for dates\nit's a busy season for macy\nshe has so much work to get done\nand you have to spend so much time at the library because you can't afford a decent printer\n\nthose girls from the LGBT club\nthey invite you to that bar\nthat bar with its smoke and its bubbly drinks\nthat burn your mouth and throat in the right way\n\n[[you go on a night when macy is too busy to come]]

Swig.\n\nIsn't that a verb reserved for more hardy drinks\nlike a dark beer or a scotch or a brandy\nyou wouldn't know, you don't know your alcohol\nyou know enough to ask for something fruity,\nsomething bubbly with a kick of fire\n\nthe name of this drink escapes you but not the swirl of emotions it's rolling through you\n\nYou stare at her again. You catch the way she eyes your lips. [[Ride the wave of liquid courage.]]

You told her you didn't care when you were in that handicapped bathroom with her, but the truth is that you <html><i>do</i></html> care. Maybe too much. It's constantly in the back of your mind.\n\nMacy's from a ♂ -> ♀ [[world]] that you don't understand.\n\nAnd she does a hell of a lot better job of being a more put together ♀ than you do.\n\nYou always feel like a mess. She's the neatness to your messiness, you remember telling her that once with a big, goofy [[smile]] on your face.

and she knows how to ghost her fingers up your sides\nshe knows how to tease the edge of your bra as she kisses you\nshe's a good multi-tasker\n\nyou pull up her shirt a little\nyou want to get closer to that flaring heat\n"is this okay?" you breathe out next\n"i'll tell you when it's not."\n\nyou wonder what it'll feel like through her shorts. [[the fabric of yours is so thin.]]

"Yep. I wanted to take a cool science. The experiments were cool, but the rest of it...not so much." Macy jots down a formula you can't read, some type of function more complicated than the quadratic one you're most familiar with. "Impressive, huh?"\n\n"Yeah, it makes me want to take my top off." You jokingly fan your face. You hope she'll go for it. Her numbers and spreadsheets are so much more enticing than your textbook's.\n\n"Maybe later, if you get all your homework done."\n\n[[She gives you a kiss on the cheek.|8 is up to interpretation]]

"Really? You've never used Photoshop in your entire life?"\n\n"Really," you say, watching her laptop screen. It's full of gray boxes and rows and rows of buttons and icons. There's a bunch of windows all smooshed together. Macy's only just opened the program and you're already lost. "What am I supposed to be looking at?"\n\nHer mouse goes to File > New Something. It's too fast to catch. "I'm making you a canvas to play around in."\n\n"How do I make a flyer?"\n\n"You have to crawl before you can walk. Patience, Lynn, patience." She pokes your cheek. "We're going to [[practice the basic tools]] first."

but your favorite part of all your sessions like these\n{sessions where you're on her or she's on you\nany type of session at all}\nis the aftermath\nthe curl-up where she's a C-shape\nnestled in your C-shape\n\n[[C stands for Comfort]]

everyone has their theories\ntheir reasons\nbrain brain born that way\n\nwrong body\nright body\nher body, her choice on rightness & wrongness\n\nsomething called spiro and something called E does the trick???\nE before T? E overpowering T?\nestrogen-challenged??\nT can stand for Toxin too\n\n[[pills 2x a day]]

Face it, that's the truth of the matter. When the pretenses are this sleazey, everything's a performance, a mating ritual of wits. Her jokes were a verbal display. They were questions, and your answers were your laughter. Giggles are indicators of interest, you see.\n\nYou know how to play the game. You've played it enough times on both sides to know exactly what to do. That doesn't keep you from being nervous almost every time, though. If you're not nervous, then there has to be something wrong.\n\nYou need the nerves. You need the excitement.\n\n"We should [[date]]." Her words pull you out of your thoughts.

You know exactly where you want to put that grin of hers.\n\nAnd you know exactly how to make it quiver into an O-shaped sigh.\n\nYou look forward to what will happen after [[her|Macy]] body's been unburdened of its clothes.

<html><h1>0.</h1></html>\n\nremember, this is not [[a love story|past2]].

this was macy meets lynn\nlynn meets macy\n♀ meets ♀\n\n[[venus meets venus|ending]]

after it was over\n\n(so weird to equate "it" to a tiny two-lettered word like "it" when "it" was so much more than "it," this was 1+1 forming 2 and becoming so much better...5 is almost like 2 upside down is that why this section is #5)\n\nshe held you against her body\nher shorts still on\nbut you didn't care\nyou rolled over to [[hold her]] instead\n

<html><h1>9.</h1></html>\n\na 9 looks like an 8 with an unhinged jaw\nwide open in shock\n[[unravel the 8 and reveal a 9 all along]]

(you once caught her downing some and joked that she didn't need pregnancy pills,\n'cause you ain't got the equipment for that\nand she just kind of stared at you\nand you kind of just stared at her\nand then she smiled, all gently and slowly and Macy-like)\n\n[[this isn't your world but you're in its orbit|routine]]

"This one's about an evil Gingerbread Man. It's no Exotica Babe Thrasher or whatever, but it looks terrible. Come here," she makes room for you on the couch. You sit down and put the popcorn bowl between you two. It's a barrier.\n\n"I thought we decided to never talk about that movie."\n\n"The movie I almost lost my eye seeing? No, we always talk about that. That and the goose." Macy's giving you that Macy grin of hers. You know what she's about to do. You cover your ears. "Quack!"\n\n"Ugh, stop, that's scary."\n\n"Make me, then." She sticks out her [[tongue]].

macy screams\nshe hits the side of your fridge\nmagnets fall off\n\n"WERE YOU SAFE?"\n\nit takes a moment to click\nprotection... protection...\nyou didn't make her wear gloves\nfingers only\n\n"DID YOU KISS HER?"\nthat's how it started\n\n"DID SHE GET YOU OFF?"\nyes\n\n"WHO THE FUCK WAS SHE? TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT HER."\n[[a mistake, a mistake, a mistake|she was a mistake]]

[[Exhale]] through your nose. Everything is through the nose. The center of the universe is through the nose.

you relinquished some of your control when you gave her your spare\nfunny how a piece of metal\ncan mean so much to a person\nbut a key is a powerful piece of metal\n[[it is trust incarnate|tethered in the grip]]

being an emotional support has never been your forte\nyou're a kiss me hug me fuck me type not a talk to me type\nyou prefer to use your mouth for more pleasurable tasks\ncomfort is allowed to work both ways\n[[it sucks to simply be an ear|keep it strictly surface level]]

this is not the tale of girl meets girl in the most wonderful of ways\nthis is not the story of racing hearts, crackling sparks, and chaste kisses in the darkness\n\nthis is not a hand holding, be there for her always-ing, knock her off her feet-ing, deep breath before the plunge-ing, can't hardly breathe around her-ing, beautiful moment-ing, true love-ing story\n\n[[it is none of those things|past]]

it's a replay of all your past fuck-ups\ntold in present tense as if you have some semblance of choice\nin veering this in the right direction,\nin trying to go right when you know you went [[left]].

choking\n\n[[expect anything]]

[[oh that's right you met her at the bar]]

chastity devices\n\n[[expect anything]]

handjob\n\n[[expect anything]]

It takes days for her to cool off. Somewhat. Okay, not really. Her days alone had been spent trying to transition from feelings of rage to anguish. You sit together in your living room.\n\nHer head's on your lap. You brush your hand through her hair. Her eyes are red from crying. It's not right that you're the hurt and the comfort all the same. No one deserves to be on both sides.\n\n"I stopped going to the club," you say to soothe her. "I deleted her number." You're not lying. You're in the process of forgetting her name.\n\n"I gave you everything you fucking wanted." She stops talking to suck down a sob.\n\n"I know."\n\n"<html><i>Everything.</i></html>"\n\n"Yeah." [[Numbness]] washes over you.

But nothing happens. You open your eyes back up and she's at her car door. Her posture's stiff. Did you do something wrong? Isn't not kissing after the first date a 'kiss of death' to any blossoming relationship? You bring your hands to your scarf to fix it.\n\n"I'll see you around," she says. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes. If anything, she looks scared.\n\n"See you." You give her a weak wave. After she drives off, you stand alone in [[the parking lot]] for a while.\n

"You're right. I am a bitch." Why deny it? You've never been a saint. You've always been a gutter rat, floundering around.\n\nYou don't know how to get from Point A to Point B when it comes to anything. Maybe that's why you're fascinated by the Mars to Venus transformation. People start one way and end up another way, wholesale. They know what they want in life. They know how they're supposed to be.\n\nThey've got more guts, more courage than you'll ever have.\n\nSilence covers the room. You wish you owned a clock, one that ticked as loud as the hammer in your chest.\n\nShe covers her eyes and starts stuttering, "L-Lynn, I think I might...um..."\n\n<html><i>Don't say it.</i></html>\n\n[[You brace yourself.]]

When she ordered chocolate, you couldn't resist handing her a packet of Splenda you'd been saving. She shoved you on the shoulders and you punched her playfully on the arm.\n\nAnd then she put her hand on your face to guide you as she went in for a kiss.\n\nYour stomach flips when you remember it. [[You stupid sap.|things can only get better]]

this [[coffee shop]] is pretentious. truth.\n\nyou're [[pretentious]], too. truth.\n\nmacy is blessed with the fortune to look much better in the daytime than in the darkness of the bar. truth.\n\nin the light, you can see the way her eyes shine with appreciation that you even cared to show up at all. [[truth.]]

how much can you say about your bathroom stall rendezvous\nnot much\nit wasn't enjoyable\nmaybe some parts of your body liked it\n(you still came)\nbut those were body parts that weren't in sync with the rest of yours\nyour mind's never quite with you in situations like those\n\nwould she have backed off if you told her you were taken? she could've shared part of the blame in that case\n\nyou have a poor sense of self-control\n[[poor poor poor|her details]]

You have a similar taste in films, which is good.\n\nSo when Exotica Thrasher Babes IV came out weeks ago, you knew you had to see it with Macy. She wasn't having it. You begged. You whined. You kissed her enough to make her neck turn red. Still, she wouldn't budge.\n\n"I'll buy you a large popcorn and a blue icee if you go."\n\n"And pretzel nuggets," she grinned.\n\n"Fine!"\n\nIt took a lot of cash, but you had her in the [[movie theater]] like you wanted.

lately you've had [[deeper conversations]] with her other head than the one on her shoulders\n\nis this what happens to every 2?\nthey start to become 8s\nso pressurized and tight in the middle\nuntil they pop open like sad 9s\n\nshe finishes her call\n[[and then you get busy]]

macy's dealing with a rough client\nsomeone who wants a logo for their burger place\nyou [[try to hug her]] while she's on the phone\nbut she shrugs you off\nyou're too much of a distraction\n\nyou text the other girls while you wait\nmight as well do something fun\nyou lay back on the couch and look at the ceiling\n\nyour lease will be up in a few months\nyou have to decide if you want macy's name on the next one\n\n[[shouldn't the answer be obvious by now]]

deep deep deep\nconnections\ndeep deep deep\nconnections\ndeep deep deep\nconnections\ndeep deep deep\nconnections\ndeep deep deep\nconnections\ndeeper&deeper\nconnections\n"conversations"\n"discussions"\ndeep [[deep|shouldn't the answer be obvious by now]] deep

you know her school acted funny when she came out. they made her change in the nurse's room. eventually, she pulled a medical excuse to get out of gym entirely. no, that was a blogger. that wasn't macy.\n\nyou know she announced her transition at an assembly in front of her 8th grade class. it was a powerful moment. people were brought to tears. kids were confused. no, that was someone you friended on facebook. that wasn't macy.\n\nyou know she wanted to hack it off. she wanted to get rid of what she called her "outie," because it wasn't what girls were supposed to have. girls were flat. girls go inwards. she wanted to be that way too, to have a resting space inside. no, that was a vlogger. that wasn't macy.\n\nyou know her sisters dressed her up in frilly outfits. you know they supported her and always treated her like a sister, not a brother. you know it's her parents that don't fully understand it but she still communicates with them. yes. finally, that fact was macy's. [[the most shallow of facts.]]

anal\nthe new frontier\n\n[[expect anything]]

You lean in.\n\nMusic that clashes with the scenary blasts out of Macy's bag. You stop. You crash out of that bubbly high you were on as she takes her time to search for her phone. Did she pack her entire house into her purse?\n\nThe poppy ringtone comes to an end before she finds it.\n\n"I think my friends are looking for me," [[she sighs]].

Hitachi Magic Wanding\ngod dammit why don't you own one\n\n[[expect anything]]

a trick where you rub the skin between her balls and her dick or something\nyou should've written that one down\n\n[[expect anything]]

At the [[zoo]]? Magnetized. Walking in a park? Magnetized. Going to a [[movie]]? Magnetized. You took things slow with her. It feels so highschool, so corny, but in a thousand ways, it's not at all. Taking things at this speed is a nice change of pace from your usual\n\nmeet\ngreet\nfuck\ngoodbye\n\n[[routine]].

fingering the only hole she's got\n\n[[expect anything]]

discovering her P-spot\nthat's a prostate, right?\n\n[[expect anything]]

creampie\nshe's probably sterile\nit might be ok\nin a stupidly irresponsible way\n\n[[expect anything]]

you're sweating and you can't calm down\n\n[[BREATHE|breathe.]]

these pleasures that you're swapping\nthey're mapped out and insincere\nyou're following along a geographic magazine\nand flipping through her pages\nnationally,\nnaturally.\n\ncurves and scars act like gridlines for your fingers to follow\nbut there's no name for your tongue to taste\nno grip for your memory to hold onto\n\nnothing of substance\nonly marks that will last longer than these [[fleeting feelings]] will

you don't get it\nyou've educated yourself on everything\nyou're following blogs, vlogs, all of that\npeople can be so forthcoming with their transitional videos\nto strangers on the internet\nbut here you are with a girlfriend\nwho is more content to talk about everyday life\nthan she is her transness\n\nwhy doesn't she bristle up with rage in the same way you do\nwhy doesn't she retweet about the many transwomen unfairly imprisoned\nwhy isn't she a social justice ANYTHING\nthese are her people [[these are her people]] these are her people

"I keep the bar low." You're too relaxed to watch what you're saying. Macy puts her elbow on the table and leans on her hand. She covers her mouth. "What?"\n\n"Sounds like you're not used to having a good time." She's peering at you closely.\n\n"You never know with some people. It's a wild world out there."\n\n"Is your world limited to that weird dyke bar? I can see how that'd be pretty wild."\n\n"It's not <html><i>that</i></html> weird of a place. I met you there. You're not weird." It's hard for you to disagree with Macy, though. The place is weird in the sense that it's seedy. It's the underbelly of locales. "Why were you even there if you think it's so [[weird]]?"

call her text her find out where she is she is keeping tabs on you too she calls you she texts you she is in your apartment constantly sometimes she gets there before you even do so you gave her [[your spare key]] and it is comforting yes it is comforting to come back from work and [[see macy on the couch]] yet at the same time you wonder what it would be like if she was no longer there like a sudden [[poof poof goodbye girlfriend]] will you still call her text her run to her side join her for coffee give her a massage if she becomes a friend or will you fuck her if she becomes girl not friend because you are not good at friendships with exchanges like that and come to think of it you are not that good at girlfriendships with exchanges like the ones you have made between you and macy [[do you really feel tethered in the grip of a lover or are you saying that to sound smart|you're losing sight of what 2 should be.]]

So many questions are rolled up on the tip of your tongue, amassing like a wet ball of anxiety.\n\nWhat bands does she listen to? How does she normally spend her Fridays? Does she come here a lot? Why haven't you seen her before? Is her hair always this nice or is it a special occassion? Why is she having a virgin drink? Is she someone's designated driver? Who did she come here with? Who will she go home with? Will it be you or some other schmuck that will come out of the weeds and go in for the kill? Can she tell how nervous she's making you? Can she tell she's got you on her hook? Is she playing a game with you? Where is she from? Does she live nearby? How far away is her place? Is your place closer than hers? Can she tell that your hands are starting to sweat? Is she starting to sweat? Are her jokes hiding her nerves? Is she in the same boat as you are? How often does she try to pick up girls who are drinking alone? Is this a regular thing for her or are you some special exception? Who is [[Macy]]?

you take a shower afterwards and watch the water go down the drain\nwater and muck and feelings\nand bitter thoughts about 1s and 1s and 2s and 2s\n\nhow many feelings have been pulled into drains\nwhen you clear a drain there's more than just hair and grime there\n[[there has to be]]

Hate her? There's lots of things you hate, but you wouldn't count Macy as one of them. "I don't hate you. I don't care if you're a dragon. I'm just...fuck, I told you already. That closet bullshit just pisses me off. Reminds me of when I was younger." You put more water on your face. "I'm sorry. I was an asshole."\n\n"You get the worst mouth when you're drunk."\n\n"And you're a dragon. Deal with it."\n\nShe smiles sadly. "I'm not a dragon. [[I'm just trans.]]"

<html><h1>8.5.</h1></html>\n\nYou suppose it's time to re-evaluate\neverything that Macy ever meant to you\n\nYou think about the strongest part of your outline\nthe one hard-lined under and over the covers\n\nHow much effort did you put into filling in [[her details]]?

body { color:#D08BAF; background-color: #41002C }\n#sidebar #title { color: #CBD271; }\na:link { color: #CBD269; }\n#sidebar li{ color: #CBD271; }\n\n.passage {\n\tfont-size: 190%;\n}\n\n/////**#99173C

You decided to be a cheeseball and do the firework trick, the one where you stretch out your arms and move your fingers like fireworks in front of your date's vision.\n\nYou messed up and poked her in the eye.\n\nShe cried from the popcorn salt on your finger.\n\nShe never did finish her pretzel nuggets...\n\nSo, that became another [[inside joke]] for you both. Your girlfriend is a pirate dragon.

(you identify as female or something because that's what everyone always said you were. you look like X so that means you're an X. XX chromosomes means female. XY means male. but your sex and your gender aren't always the same. YOU CAN BE BORN A MARS AND BE A VENUS. YOU CAN BE BORN A VENUS AND BE A MARS. you are a venus, venus. there are mars to venus women in this world. female. female. venus. venus. male? male? some people are so angry online it is scary why are you reading the comments section again.\n\nthey fill up on hate and go on stupid sites and what's a TERF and what makes it bad? turf. stay off of my lawn. surf and turf. well, lynn, you've been surfing all your life and now here's some turf for you. you're so fucked up. a TERF is a trans-exclusionary radical feminist, you idiot. get with the program. get focused. how do you exclude certain women from women's only places and not others? oh that's funny, transmen are ok because they are seen as women and transwomen aren't ok because they are seen as men. that is backwards. you've got your mars and venus reversed.\n\nwhy the fuck are you on these blogs? you got here because you are wondering how you identify. if she took a journey to become she, then why shouldn't you? why shouldn't you question yourself, too? [[DID SHE EVEN TAKE A JOURNEY OR DID MACY JUST KNOW?]])

observing your relationship\nbecoming more physical than emotional overtime\nis that a terrible thing? is there some type of bond between you two that's gotten messed up because of that\nyou didn't notice that you were talking that much less\nit's just the easiest way to show her that you appreciate her\nthat you have feelings for her\nstrong feelings that scare you sometimes\n[[strong feelings that could begin with an L but you're not sure|"That was a pre-reward."]]

<html><i>thump</i></html>\n<html><i>thump</i></html>\n<html><i>thump</i></html>\n<html><i>thump</i></html>\n[[thump]]

[[macy runs the bath water]]

she doesn't break eye contact\ndoes that make stripping easier or harder?\nshe undoes her belt\nshe unzips her pants and unpeels them from her smooth legs\nshe's wearing your favorite pair of underwear\nthis is about as much as you've ever seen\n\nher ears are red\n\n"i'm going to get in," she says while turning. she pulls down her undies and steps out of them then into the tub with a soft splash. "come in."\n\n[[so you do.]]

<html><a href="http://twitter.com/kaleidofish">kaleidofish</a></html>

"One of my friends turned 21," Macy says. "That place is one of the only gay lady bars in the city. Men get the most fun ones. I don't get why we have to deal with such a divey place."\n\n"Well, you said it, it's a dyke bar. It attracts a certain clientele."\n\n"Aw, look at the Business major using her words." She jokes.\n\n"Shut up, Sugartits."\n\nShe nearly chokes on her sugar-coffee. "What did you just call me?"\n\n"Er, sorry, it just kind of slipped out." You try to backpedal. "It was because of the sugar thing and yeah. Didn't mean to be [[offensive]]."

green light was above the waist\nyellow light caution was the hip area\nred light was below the waist\n\nyou were mildly disappointed when it didn't respond, spark to life the way you read it would\n{fascinating creature, the way it can flag its arousal}\n\nyour green light on the other hand...\nwas [[everywhere]]

It's hard to sit so close to her when all you want to do is jump her\nto have her under you or on top of you\nit's so weird for you to have sex be this available\n\nno bar, no dresses, no nights pressed against bathroom walls\nyou've nearly forgotten the taste of your favorite nameless drink\n\nit's so weird how you can straddle her\nslide your arms around her neck\n[[and kiss her so freely and willingly]]

<html><h1>7.</h1></html>\n\ndo relationships have to be like cages\ndo you have to be [[tethered in the grip]] of a lover\ncan you truly ever be free\n([[and do you want to be?]])

"macy, can i kiss you?"\n\n"mmhm."\n\nyou move closer to her, careful of her lap. it takes you a few moments of kissing her to realize that she's shaking, and that that's not a moan. that's a sob. you give her some space, unsure of what to say or do.\n\nyou find yourself wishing for your favorite drink again. this is difficult.\n\n"i don't know why i'm crying. sorry."\n\n"it's okay. take your time."\n\nshe shields herself with one hand and [[wipes her tears]] with the other.

"If that's all you wanted, then you shouldn't have bothered with that date bullshit. I don't have time for that, okay?"\n\n"You're being a baby."\n\n"And you're being the worst kind of tease." You tilt your head back and swallow a mouthful of your drink. "I don't date. I don't get dressed up in scarves and skirts and stupid jackets for dates."\n\n"No, you just wear fuck-me dresses and wait for girls to take you home." Macy crosses her arms. "Can you even bend down in that bandaid you're wearing?"\n\n"You don't even fucking know me. Why won't you [[leave me alone]]?"\n\n

<html><i>if you love her\n<br>you'll let her go\n<br>if you love her\n<br>you'll let her go</i></html>\n\nbut you're garbage of the worst kind\nselfish && supportive\n{when it suits your needs}\n\ncan you pretend that she's selfish too\nthat she chased after you\nand put an ill-fitting collar on you?\ncan you pretend that she tamed that\nwhich should not be tamed?\n\nshe made you into a dependent house cat\nwas she selfish or foolish?\ncan you pretend that she FORCED you to become something that you always wanted to be [a better person than you are]\ndeep down?\n\n[[your stomach twists]]

<html><h1>2.</h1></html>\n\ndoes 2 resent 1 for being so standalone?\ndoes 2 with its curve hate the sharpness of 1?\n1 is the beginning. 2 is the continuation.\nyou can't have 2 without 1 and 1.\n\nthe premier, the starting line.\n\ndoes 2 ever want to scrape the 1ness from itself\nso it can become another 1 all on its own?\n\ndoes 2 want to bend and snap and break\nand ruin itself so it can become its own start\nits own beginning its own premier its own [[starting line|all on its own]]?

"I wanted to kiss you, but the last time I kissed a girl like you, they freaked out on me and left." Macy glances at the locked door.\n\n"Why's that? Are you a dragon?" You giggle to yourself.\n\n"What? Can you splash some water on your face? There's a sink right there."\n\n"Hey, what do you mean by a girl like me?" You make it to the sink without tripping. Why couldn't she have confronted you earlier in the night? No, she had to wait until you were about four and a half drinks deep. You turn on the faucet and stare into the stream.\n\n"You don't identify as [[queer]], do you?"

You blink. Is she joking?\n\nShe looks at you, expecting an answer.\n\nShe's not joking. She wants to date you.\n\nYou, a stranger in a shady bar who has to find her confidence in the bottom of a glass. You, a girl in her early 20s who's still stuck in her sophomore year of college because her job doesn't pay enough and she can't find any better work because she doesn't have a degree.\n\nYou, who likes being skin to skin with people you've only known for an hour or so, and prefers it when they're gone in the morning. You don't have many eggs to spare. A dozen eggs can last you about a week when you're living alone.\n\nThis bar isn't the place to ask for a proper date. This isn't the place for girls to say things like that. You want to take in more of your drink, but you finished it on your [[last swig]].

<html><h1>8.</h1></html>\n\n8 can be a circle with a twist in the middle\nor a cinched-in O\n\nit can be two spinning wheels on top of each other\nit can be one being tied up\nor two smooshed, collided together\n\n[[8 is up to interpretation]]

an apartment key is one thing\nexpectations of seeing her and being with her everyday are other things\nbut this is like the final barrier\nand like some sick, obsessed person you lick your lips\nas thoughts and images filter through\n\n{all of your one-handed "research"\non what to do with it}\n\nshe takes off her shirt\nthen her bra that helps boost her cupsize a letter\ncute\nthere are starfish on them\nbut now the bra's on the floor\n[[and her B-sizes suit her frame so well|k]]\n

for as supportive as you are\nyou are just as selfish\nand you are needy\n\nhigh-risk, high-reward. crash & burn. commitment phobic. you lined up all your sensibilities for her and she still went for you.\n\ntoys are ok. but never on her. everything is for you.\nbut being a pillow princess for so long is making your neck hurt.\n\nstone wasn't [[what you signed up]] for.

10 can be a start too\nit has a 1\nit has its starting line\n\nit's a beginning that has a history to it\nit's got its scuffs and marks and bruises from being\na 0, a 1, a 2, a 3, a 4, a 5, a 6, a 7, an 8, & a 9\n\n[[that's what makes it stronger]]

Do you even have [[a black and gray portrait]] of her,\nsomething that can [[define Macy]] among all the other Macys of the world?\n\nYou gathered just enough details to justify being with her but you never took the next step\nYou kept your own details close to your chest\n\nSex became both your mode of communication and your medium of asphyxiation,\nchoking out most of what could have been\nso you settled for an [[acquaintance]] who kept herself low hanging\nand as [[generic]] as your frenzied Google searches made you expect

now that you've reached 7...\n\nyou know so much about a {concept} now\nbut you're still so clueless\nabout where to go about your own identity\n\nidiot...\n\nyou have the outline down\nyou know macy's outline\nyou know she's a woman of secrets\nand you know the outline of your relationship to be some fraying thing at the edges\n[[when things get old they can naturally fray]]

The drive is quiet and nice\nMacy doesn't play music when she drives\n\nShe has to help you get your key in the door\nShe looks so worried\nso scared\nso concerned\npoor Macy someone needs to give her a hug...\n\nShe finds your pajamas and lays them out for you\n\nyour apartment looks embarassing\nthis is so awkward\nthere's a toy on your desk staring at you\nat her\nat you\nat her and you and thinking about how easy it would be for you 1s to become 2s in [[the heat of passion]]

She doesn't make a move on you\nbut she doesn't stay the night, either\n\nShe tucks you into bed and leaves\n[[like any other lover you've ever had]]

You tell her about growing up near Denver as the only child in the shadow of many cousins. You let her in on your coming out story, about how your mom found Misty (yes, that orange-haired Misty) hentai on your laptop and you just blurted out everything. You were one Internet savvy eleven year old.\n\nYou skim the details on your highschool years. You mention the one or two boyfriends you never got past first base with and the three girls (no girlfriends) you ran all the bases with. You don't lie when you tell her that you never want to go back there. You don't want to step foot in Colorado again. You prefer it here so much more.\n\nYou even tell her what Lynn is short for.\n\nYou skip out on telling her about your most recent exes and keep your stories more focused on your teenage years. She offers some of her own, laughing at herself and how fumbly she used to be.\n\n"Fumbly can be cute," you say.\n\n"With an [[understanding]] person. How understanding are you?"

"I wouldn't know. I didn't watch the cartoon," she drums her fingertips along your arm. Your sleeve's covering the series of [[lotus flowers]] you have there. "Heh, is that how you make everyone fall for you? You mix up their names with children's books?"\n\n"It's a conversation starter."\n\n"It's not a starter when we've been talking already." Her hand retreats and something in your chest tightens. "We've been talking for a while, actually. I like it."\n\n<html><i>Do you want to try talking somewhere else?</i></html> is what you should ask her.\n\nInstead, you take a [[swig]] of your bubbly drink and look away to steady yourself.

what does her leaving you mean?\ndo you go back to your old ways?\nor has this relationship of yours changed you\nso you can't do things in your old way anymore?\n\nthere are the BM [before macy] days\nand the AB [after macy] days\nthis is a thing now that she's glued into your brain\n\npoof poof goodbye girlfriend\n[[is a scary thought|tethered in the grip]]

those numbers did not depict the tale of girl meets girl in the most wonderful of ways\n\nthose numbers did not contain the story of racing hearts, crackling sparks, and chaste kisses in the darkness\n\nthose weren't the numbers representing a hand holding, be there for her always-ing, knock her off her feet-ing, deep breath before the plunge-ing, can't hardly breathe around her-ing, beautiful moment-ing, true love-ing story\n\n[[they were none of those things]]

and the response arrives in the form of her fingers holding yours\nguiding yours\nand gently wrapping them around her base\n\n[[Oh.]]

<html><h1>4.</h1></html>\n\nyou figure that this 1+1=2 dance between you two can't get much worse from here\n[[things can only get better]]

"Isn't that the name of a mouse?" You tease her.\n\nYou had one of those books when you were a little girl. You used to flip through the pages for hours, taken in by the awkward way the cartoon animals' heads were always side-turned. They had to [[shift right and left in profile mode]], never walking into the foreground.\n\n"That's Maisy," she says in a way that makes it clear that there's nothing mousy about her. Her [[eyes]] are all lionness and her [[grin]] is all wolf.\n\n"Oh, I always pronounced Maisy like Macy." You curl your fingers around your [[half-empty]] glass.

Macy, who could've been Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John in her past life.\n\n{but isn't life a continuous thing so how could her life be in the past it is more like she moved along the gender spectrum to become who she is today or is she a steadfast type, like she is a 1 who always knew she's a venus-flavored 1\n\nbut her past life has stuck with her it is sticking to her it is with her between her legs and look at her face, look at how confused she looks she just thinks she's here to watch a movie and here you are, thinking about all the ways you could unhook her bra you're so much more used to buttons than joysticks but you're a fast learner you can game this well too}\n\n"Y-yeah. Did you [[pick a movie]]?"

"then ask," you say.\n\n"i did." oh, macy.\n\n"are you still happy with me?"\n\nor is she trapped in a routine where she's too scared of a life without lynn, like you've become this thing that she can't scratch out of herself\n\n"yeah." there's no passion in her reply. it's not even a <html><i>YES</i></html> with the power to soar to the rooftops. "i'm happy with you."\n\n"me too."\n\n[[something is crumbling.]]

"And?"\n\nMacy doesn't look like she was expecting you to say that. Then again, she also looks like she didn't want to unearth her secret to a drunk in a bathroom meant for sloppy hook-ups. "And...it can be weird for some people. I would've told you during the date but I kinda got caught up in the moment."\n\n"Too much sugar." You shake your head. The room moves in the other direction. "I don't care. I still want that kiss and, um, the second date."\n\n"Do you drink this much every night you're here?"\n\n"Please don't be mad." You shield your face with your arms.\n\n"I'm going to take you home. [[Where do you live?]]"

snowballing\nwhatever the fuck that is\nyou're too scared to figure it out\n\n[[expect anything]]

and how does she like to be touched\ndoes she want to be man-handled\nstop. stop. don't say shit like that.\nyou like it rough but what does your girlfriend like\nyou're not one for slow and passionate\n\nyou're a master of the art of quick fucking\n\nmistress of the bathroom stall\ntramp of the squeaky boxspring mattress\nqueen of the pull-panties-down-and-lift-up-dress\n\nyou're not girlfriend material and yet this goddess thinks you are and [[you don't get it]]

"I'm not moving. I'm not going to let the goose win!"\n\nMacy brought her cheese fries closer to her body. "Okay. If you're not moving, I am."\n\n"You can't leave me here with this goose!"\n\nThe goose quacked. The noise was guttural, like the cross between a duck and a dinosaur. The feathered thing was feral. Before you could guard your ketchup-drowned fries, the beast launched its head forward.\n\nYour fries went flying.\n\nAnd that became another [[inside joke]] for the two of you.

she lounges there\nshe sprawls out there\nshe does her graphic design work there\nshe touches you there\nshe naps there\neven though you have a perfectly fine bed\n(it's too big to sleep alone in)\nshe rests there\nshe's approachable there\nshe's comfortable there\n[[you're glad to see her there|tethered in the grip]]

"I love you, Macy."\n\n<html><i>and you can't let her go</i></html>\n\nThat night, you [[cried to sleep]] in each other's arms.

They're almost a golden-brown. The color's so striking that you're tempted to [[ask]] her if she's wearing contacts.

you grip onto this new woman's shirt\nshe's leading you to another room\n<html><i>somewhere where we can talk,</i></html> she lies\nshe calls you pretty\nshe says anyone would be lucky to have you\n<html><i>lynn is a beautiful name for a beautiful girl</i></html>\nshe's lying\nshe keeps lying\nwhy doesn't she understand that you don't care?\n\n[[You're needy.]]

"I mean, like coffee. I want to get to know you. It doesn't have to be a big deal thing." For the first time in the night, she seems flustered. "Can I have your number?"\n\nYou take her phone and add yourself to her contacts. Why not? Why not see something through for once? You have to admit to yourself that you'd like to see where this could go.\n\nAfter all, <html><i>some</i></html> of her jokes were actually [[funny]].

You make her stop by making out with her,\nthe popcorn and the stupid movie soon forgotten.\n\nYou've gotten hot and heavy with her like this before,\nbut since tonight's the night, you're going to push the limits.\n\nYou sit in her lap and breathe your command into her ear,\n[["touch me."]]

you're sad, lonely, and needy drunk\nare you the same when you're sober?\nyou knew your vice as soon as you took your first sip that night\nyou knew you were tumbling downhill\nyou knew exactly what would happen\nand you did it anyway\n[[there's no excuse|Numbness]]

"Sometimes, I think we have sex more than we talk." Macy nervously plays with her bottom lip. "I'm not mad about that. I'm just [[observing]]."\n\n"I like it."\n\n"I like you. A lot."\n\n"And I like you a lot, too."\n\n"Great! Glad we established that." She grins, sweeping the awkward moment under the rug. "Now, let's [[get back|8 is up to interpretation]] to some more Photoshop."\n

You follow her to the nearby parking lot. Her car has a dent in it. More than one, actually. You don't miss the chance to make a joke about it.\n\n"What did you do, run too many red lights? You know they make traffic lights for a reason."\n\nShe pulls you by your scarf, bringing you closer to her. You look up at her, acutely aware of your height difference and how easy it would be for you to lean up and meet your lips with hers. Her mock glare softens, and your eyes slowly [[close]] in anticipation...

It's filled with the stench of starving artist and dreams too rich for anyone's blood. A boy with a Newsie hat on huddles over his laptop screen. He's fiddling with his hands like a squirrel. A girl sits alone in the corner, staring down at a smaller screen. Her glasses enhance her looks, but you can't acknowledge that, not while you're on a date of your own. A young couple chats animatedly on the other side of the shop, trading their mocha choca latte cappucino frappawhatevers back and forth.\n\n[[truth.|all on its own]]

b\ne\na\nu\nt\ni\nf\nu\n[[l moment|l]]

a bullet vibe on her balls\n\n[[expect anything]]

is your apprehension to fuck her because you're afraid you'll break something\n\nare you afraid to be rough with it\n\nhow much of a beating can she handle\nyou know you can handle one [you know you crave it]\ncan she [does she want it that way]\n\nstraight porn is confusing when you use it as research for queer sex\n\n(does this count as queer sex or lesbian sex? your brain was too intoxicated to understand the nuances of what macy had been saying\n\nif you're a lesbian having sex with a queer person does that automatically make it queer? is it queer if your girlfriend is trans? is it lesbian if your girlfriend is a girlfriend? it's not like anyone says transgirlfriend. that's kind of rude and demeaning, right? girlfriend. that's who macy is. she's a girl. you met her as a woman so she is a woman and she uses all the she pronouns SEE YOU DID YOUR RESEARCH YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB and that means she's a she because that's how she identifies but [[HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY]])

And they did. You met up for [[ice cream]] and stopped denying that there was some kind of spark between you two that was worth looking into. \n\n<html><i>I want to get to know you better</i></html> is the adult way of saying <html><i>I have a crush on you. I'm into you.</i></html> And you'd been saying that from the beginning. If being a drunken mess wasn't putting an end to whatever it was the two of you had, then what would?\n\nSome type of electricity kept you close to one another. It became your [[inside joke]].

"were you holding your breath?"\n\n"yeah..."\n\n"don't," your voice strains. "you'll get dizzy. here, wanna try something hot?"\n\n"this is pretty hot," she laughs then bites her lip in concentration.\n\n"try rolling your hips."\n\nmmm\nyep\n[[like that...]]

ball gags\nblindfolds\nrope\n\n[[expect anything]]

It takes you an hour to learn the wonders of image manipulation. You know the shortcuts to duplicating an image, stretching it out, rotating it, skewing it, moving it around, and a bunch of other things. They're called transformations, or something. You kind of zoned out during the lesson because you were trying not to put your tongue in your teacher's mouth.\n\n"See? You got it. Photoshop <html><i>can</i></html> be easy," Macy says encouragingly. "Our next lesson can be on fonts. That way, you can put text all over the forest you just made."\n\n"Do I get a reward for getting it right?" You slide your hand across her abdomen.\n\n"Didn't you get one this morning?"\n\n[["That was a pre-reward."]]

you keep your arms hooked through hers on the way to the restaurant\nyou keep your hand on hers as you eat\nyou keep your foot near her ankle\nyou keep your body close to hers when you hug\n[[you fit all of your lanky pieces together like a tetris combination]]

Look at you, dolled up in a scarf, smart jacket, skirt, and combat boots. Aren't you a sight for pretentious eyes? You fit in here as well as any other patron. You'd easily be lost in a crowd of pretension. Dress to impress by dressing like the rest. Can't you feel the tension in your jaw at that fact? Are you getting annoyed at yourself for trying to look nice? Why deny the [[truth|all on its own]]?

blowjob with your cheeks all sunken and looking up at her\n\n[[expect anything]]

the [[spring semester]] starts up and you're back in school\nmacy pushes you to [[hit the books]]\n\nthe thought of being a real team with her makes you giddy\na digital marketer and a graphic designer\nyou make a decent 8\n\nshe [[stays up late]] with you\nteaching you the Adobe Suite\n[[you give her kisses in return]]

deepthroating with a nasty weird sound effect\n\n[[expect anything]]

up against the wall\nthink she can lift you up?\n\n[[expect anything]]

swallowing her cum\n\n[[expect anything]]

doggy style with you facedown and ass up\n\n[[expect anything]]

You were some silly girl sitting at the bar nursing a stupid bubbly drink waiting for her next lay to come around. And you thought she'd be it. How different would your story have been if she passed you by? How different would things be if she hadn't have rushed off to see her friends?\n\nWould you have led her into the bathroom?\n\nWould you have let yourself open up to her?\n\nWould you have given her your body and none of your soul?\n\n[[See it's hard to give up your soul when you don't have much soul available to give.]]

Getting inked the first time had hurt so bad that you didn't have it in you to get your arm finished. What you have right now are outlines of the flowers, waiting to be filled in. A good luck koi fish was going to be the centerpiece of the design, as if a sea creature fit in with a nest of plants.\n\nWhat would Macy say if she saw your unfinished work? Laugh? Kiss you and then call you a big baby that's too comfortable doing things [[halfway|half-empty]]?\n\nThat's your fatal flaw. Your twist of the knife, plain for the world to see.

her shoulders are slumped\nher head is down\nshe watches the tub fill up\nyou stand in the doorway\n\n"is something wrong?"\n\nhow could there be? you take her on dates regularly. she has your key. you've become an advocate for her...for a concept of her, for an outline of her. you've gotten better at keeping your place clean for her.\n\n[["that's what i want to ask you."|uhoh]]

"You're the problem. I don't want to be with someone who's in the closet. I've had enough of that, thank you." You gesture to the bartender for another drink. She gives you a look. You give her a stronger one, and she goes on with making you a new bubbly whatever-it's-called. "You invite me out, act all friendly, and then get cold feet. I'm done with that."\n\nThat last drink hit you harder than you thought. All of the bubbles have burst through your filter.\n\n"I'm not in the closet." She points to a rainbow bracelet on her wrist.\n\n"Good job. You're wearing rainbow in one of the gayest places in town."\n\n"Fuck you." She bites her lip. "Can we talk somewhere more quiet?"\n\nYou raise your [[eyebrows]].

<html><i>Anything</i></html> is a tall order. It's tempting to figure out what her limits are. There has to be something she wouldn't answer on a first date.\n\n(She won't answer any questions you're not supposed to ask on a first date. Don't be rude.)\n\nYou decide to [[ease]] into the deeper questions later.

<html><h1>6.</h1></html>\n\nyou're getting this strange notion in your head that her struggle is yours\nyou're taking every trans-related hit personally\nyou're joining blogs\nforums\nyou're reaching out and communicating with people\n[[TRANS ASTERISK & ALLIES]]

<html><h1>3.</h1></html>\n\n"I knew I'd find you here."\n\nYou turn when you hear her voice. It's been a couple of weeks since you last spoke to her. Macy found you sitting at the bar where you two first met. You're nearly finished your fourth drink. It sure took her a long time to look for you in the most obvious place.\n\n"Congratulations, Sherlock."\n\n"What's your [[problem]]?"

<html><h1>2.5.</h1></html>\n\n[[who is this woman in your bed]]

she lets you go and leaves.\n\nyou have to run water into your eyes to get yourself to cry.\n\nher stuff is all over your apartment.\n\nyou clean up the magnets that fell on the floor.\n\nyou go to bed alone.\nyou wake up alone.\nyou go to class and come back and you're still alone.\n\n[[idiot.|between]]

it isn't like you meant it to happen...\n\nit was just that...\nthat other girl...\ntalked so passionately about this and that, about how she goes to every T*-related function there is, and how she never turns down a chance to go to a march...\nand she was so forthright with her past...\nand your drink had so many precious bubbles in it, enough to obscure your vision and make you see a woman that was {only a shadow of your girlfriend} as being worth your time...\n\nbathroom stall...\n\n[[how could you be so stupid?]]\n

Oh.\n\nSo, she didn't come here alone.\n\n"Are you going?"\n\n"I'm their ride." Macy thumbs a message into her phone. She looks like she regrets being their driver as much as you're disappointed that your night has to end here. You'll have to find your release elsewhere.\n\n"Okay. It was nice meeting you." The words slur out of you. You're making less of an effort to give each syllable the clarity it deserves. Looking and sounding good doesn't matter as much to you [[now]].

the heat of the bathwater is making you sweat\nwhat a conundrum\nshe's kissing you again\nyou lean and splay your fingers across her ribcage\nit crosses your mind\nhow easy it would be to crush her\nto shove her against the wall\nand take her like so many others have taken you\nlike how she's taken you with\nmouth\nfingers\ntoys\nbut not with that one...\n\n[[she's so fragile]]

You wonder how many people slide through their lives that same way, just moving side-to-side like picture book characters.\n\nIt's not like you're a particularly outstanding foreground character yourself. Here you are, chatting it up with some woman named [[Macy]] in a smoky armpit of a bar on a Friday night when you're supposed to be hitting the town with the friends you don't have.\n\nHow <html><i>side-to-side picture book</i></html> of you.

<html><b>violence over violins</b></html>\n\ncould you break your hand on your bathroom wall\nmacy broke hers\nyou could do it too\none hard smash is all it would take\n\nand by the time you have toweled off\nthe other woman is [[gone]]

<html><i>if you love her\n<br>let her go\n<br>if you love her\n<br>let her go</html>\n\n"I..."\n\nHer honey brown eyes are hungry for an answer.\n\n[[Give it.]]

"i haven't done this with many people, sorry."\n\nso, you're special, one of the lucky ones. you feel good. you feel tingly. "don't worry about it. it's an emotional time for you." you repeat a line you read somewhere. you're an awful person.\n\n"thank you..."\n\nis she pre-op or non-op? what are her thoughts on the matter between her legs? will she stop you if you reach out for it and reveal yourself to be a liar? why are you so messed up? so desperate?\n\nare you allowed to be supportive && selfish at the same time?\n[[needy needy needy]]\n

<html><h1>1.5.</h1></html>\n\nlater that night, you find someone else less interesting\nyou don't care to know her name\nyou're not as picky when it's after 2 AM\nnobody is\n\nthree more drinks have made your eyes swim\nand your mouth makes funny shapes\noutlines of beggars\npanhandling for an exchange of touch instead of change\n\nyour mind is [[elsewhere]].

"How? It's the same thing. We're making our voices heard. Shouldn't we do this and stand up for ourselves?"\n\n"I don't want to go." She sits up then pushes the article away. "What's gotten into you?"\n\n"...Nothing."\n\nYou sit down [[beside her.]]

"i want to know <html><i>all</i></html> of you." you want to intertwine her story with your psyche. you want to devour her past. you want to absorb it and make it part of yours too.\n\n"are you sure you're ready for that, lynn?" she stops the bathwater. the knob squeaks. she knows what you're insinuating.\n\n"yes, i care about you."\n\ndo you? or is this your #7? is this your stand-on-top-of-the-line? you've been teetering close to the edge of falling but you haven't taken the plunge\n\nnot without knowing\n[[not without seeing all of her]]

and you are her person,\nlooking at her from the doorway\nas she looks down into the filling bathtub.\n\n"why are you so different?" you say it before you can stop it from coming out.\n\n"i'm the same way i've always been."\n\n"you don't tell me anything."\n\n[["you know so much about me."]]

[[idiot.]]

"What else do you want from me?"\n\n"You're fine."\n\nShe chokes out a laugh. "Obviously, I'm not or you wouldn't have fucked her. Am I not enough for you?"\n\nYour hand hesitates mid-brush. "I care about you, Mace. Don't say shit like that."\n\n"Then why did you do it?"\n\nYou're not sure. "I was [[lonely?]]" And the girl was easy.\n\nAnother laugh. "You fucked her and then you came home and slept with me. Isn't that great?"\n\n"I took a shower."\n\n[["You're a bitch."]]

"No, it's hilarious." Macy's face turns red with suppressed laughter. "Seriously, hilarious. You're great. Hey, do you have the time?"\n\nYou glance at your watch. "Almost 6."\n\n"Dammit, I have to go." She puts her head in her hands. "I've got to drive my friend somewhere. He's a mess."\n\n"What kind of friend?" You pretend to crack your knuckles.\n\n"Ooh, look at Miss Biz getting jealous already. That's hot." She takes out her phone. "A friend friend. I'd let you tag along but it's kind of personal."\n\n"That's okay. I'll [[walk you out]]."

<html><h1>5.</h1></html>\n\nTonight's going to be the night. You've waited long enough. You've done your research on what to expect.\n\nand the research says to [[expect anything]]\nthere are about a million ways she could be touched\nand [[how she could react]]\n\nyour research was 20% of the important things\n60% of PIV porn\n10% tr**** porn (what a messed up label)\n10% tacky lesbian porn\n\nyou're [[sweating]]

<html><h1>7.5.</h1></html>\n\nheat\nheat\noverwhelming heat\n\nyou're hip to hip\nand full of her\nyou groan when she shifts\n\nher arms are on either side of your head\nand she's leaning over you\nher eyes keep fluttering closed\nshe's all [[breathy]]...

After walking around for a while and freaking out about the baby animals, you stopped at the food court. Macy got herself some cheese fries and you got yourself some plain fries to smother ketchup all over. It was when you sat down at a table together that you discovered that you weren't alone.\n\nNo.\n\nThere was a horror waiting for you. A demonic beaked horror known as a goose. It practically sat in your lap, it was so close. It wanted the fries and dammit, it was going to have the fries.\n\n"Lynn, [[do something]]!"

would her shading have been smoothly done\nwould you have blended in the colors nicely\nit's all black ink, isn't it?\nthere's no actual gray\nit's all about how it bleeds into the skin\n\npermanence\ncan't seperate-enence\n\n[[her details]] are fading.

"How'd you make it through 'til graduation?" You wonder.\n\n"Architecture killed me. Graphic Design saved me," she shrugs. "Are you sure you're in the right major?" She flips her pencil over and starts erasing her stray lines.\n\n"I am. I'm just waiting for the fun stuff. This..." You hold up your Finance notes. "This is the worst. Why would a marketer need to do this?"\n\n"You have to be able to track your sales so you know which campaigns are the best." Macy rubs your arm. "You'll survive. Trust me. If I made it through Physics, then you can get through Finance."\n\n[["Physics?"]]

[[Inhale]] through your nose.

missionary so intimate so intimate\n\n[[expect anything]]

"Hey, there's a Trans* March happening on the 23rd. Do you want to go to it?" You drop the newspaper on the coffee table. Macy's got her legs stretched out on the couch. If someone was feeding her grapes, she'd look like a queen.\n\n"Nope, I'd rather not."\n\n"Why?" <html><i>They're your people,</i></html> you think with your thought speared at her.\n\n"I'm not into marches." Macy fidgets.\n\n"We went to the Dyke March together."\n\n"That's [[different]]."

the LGBT club's interesting\nit's got a neat assortment of characters\na few girls catch your eye\none of them is even of the T variety\nyou keep the conversation light and friendly\nthey don't know you're taken\nso you do your best to be cordial\nonly on a surface level\n\n[[keep it strictly surface level]]

she's still shaking\nis she ready? is she forcing herself to do this?\n<html><i>an emotional time,</i></html> that's what you said to her\nand she was so grateful that you were understanding\n\nit's getting harder for you to think\n"is this okay?"\nyou put your hand on her thigh\nand she kisses you harder\nlike she's trying to block it out\n\n[[you need a more verbal response than that]]\n

"Oh? Are you planning on being a CEO or something?" She looks you up and down, like she's sizing you up. You bet she's trying to picture you in a boardroom, leading presentations and doing things like that. You and all of your scuzziness. "I didn't take you for the corporate type."\n\n"Don't worry, I'm not. I want to do digital marketing for start-ups." You're trying hard not to smile. You don't want her to think you're not [[serious]] about your career goal.\n\n"For crash and burn companies or do you want to stick with one for the longterm?" Macy doesn't ask like she doubts you. She seems genuinely interested. "Start-ups usually fail, don't they?"\n\n"The companies might fail, but that doesn't mean the people themselves did. I'm into high risk, high reward." You stir the plastic stick into your drink. The cream swirls around the dark liquid. "And I'm not into commitment, either, so 'crash and burn' works for me. [[How about you?]]"

pretending is fine\nuntil you remember\nthat this isn't [[a love story]].

You're not as alone as you thought. You just fooled yourself into thinking that the two of you were the only 2 in the area instead of 1 and 1 near a family of 1s passing by.\n\nYou've seen the bravest of women,\nwomen who can do anything,\nbeen brought to their knees\nquivering and shaking and wavering\nwhen confronted with the prospect of holding hands\nin front of [[children]].

<html><h1>1.</h1></html>\n\n<html><b>Laughter tastes bitter in a burnt mouth,</b></html>\n\nand yet that's what you're continuously doing with this girl at the bar. You're tasting all of the bitterness and giving her all of your laughter even when her jokes aren't quite landing. There's something infectious about the way she leans on your arm.\n\nIt's got you comfortable enough to hover near her comfort zone.\n\nHer name, she tells you, is [[Macy]].

"Are you okay?" Macy looks up at you. She's sitting on your rickety couch. You're holding a bowl of popcorn. The plan is to watch a stupid, one star Netflix Horror movie. Then, you're going to make your move like a horny teenager who spent way too much time thinking about this what is wrong with you why are you like this?\n\nBreathe. Inhale. Exhale. [[This is Macy.]]

everyone has needs\n\nand yours are being met in a thrust of stars exploding over your eyes\n\nyou won't remember her\n\nor this fuck\n\nbut your back will remember\n\nthe tattoo of bruises it's getting from the [[wall]]

"Hm, I guess if I was just a work-for-hire it wouldn't matter to me what happened as long as I got paid." Macy shrugs, then changes her mind. "That's not true. I get easily invested in things."\n\n"What do you mean?"\n\n"I used to do logo designs for small businesses. Local shops, restaurants, things like that. I'd keep tabs on them even after I got paid." She brings her cup to her lips and gently blows. The steam dances from her breath.\n\n"You're a graphic designer?" You lean forward in your seat.\n\n"Yeah. See what you can find out when you're not in a bar?" Her cup blocks her grin from view, but it's apparent in her [[voice]]. "A whole wealth of knowledge, just waiting at your fingertips. Ask me anything."

and what did macy think she was signing up for\nwhen she approached a ragged batch of bones at the bar\na SJBerserker waiting in the wings?\n\n[[you're losing sight of what 2 should be.]]

you never quite made it in the L community so you want to try your hand at T\nbut could your GF please be a little less stealth\nhow do you wear your supportive, super understanding cis GF of a TGF badge if she passes so well?\nhow do you show off your credibility like that?\n\nyou can be a name.\nyou can be the face of this movement.\nyou can be the <html><i>hey hey look at me</i></html> poster child of love across [[gender lines]].

"I wish you were." She doesn't want to face up to the fact that you're a monster. It was purely your fault. "How am I supposed to be with you now? We're broken."\n\nNo longer a 2 but a 1+1. No longer an 8 but a 9.\n\n"We can fix this."\n\n"Can we?" Macy sits up slowly, moving away from you. You feel the cold instantly. "Do you [[love]] me?"

<html><h1>10.</h1></html>\n\n[[10 is made up of a 1 and a 0]]

your arms are strong enough to hold her at night\nbut can you protect her from the statistics\nthe numbers the comments the everything\nthat you've kept yourself up reading?\nwasn't everything so much more simple when you kept things PG-13\nnow you've entered the land of hard R, the land of NC-17 and now you're becoming rated heart\n\nheart is a new rating you haven't explored before\n\nhow many stars would a heart-rated movie get on Netflix?\n\n<html><b>or perhaps heart is a genre</b></html>\na [[rhythmic thump|how many stars]] that tries to sync\nwith the other half of your 2

and your girlfriend calls you a <html><i>chaser</i></html>\nyou don't know why that makes you angry enough to slap her\n\nshe grabs you by the collar\nshe lifts you off of your feet\nshe might beat the shit out of you\n\nyou're not scared\n\n"fucking do it."\n\n[[you don't deserve what happens next]]

is she a science experiment??? why are you treating her like one? she's still Macy\nand yet here you are,\nwith chemical reaction metaphors on the tip of your tongue\n\nalkaline and tungsten stemming from your late-night QWERTY bruises\nthere might be a remedy for that\nit's called go to bed\n\nstop being a girlfriend during the day\nand a scientist at night\n[[you're pathetic|See it's hard to give up your soul when you don't have much soul available to give.]]

You used to smile when you talked about your dreams to your parents. They used your smile to discredit your aspirations. It was another tool for them to knock you down with.\n\nYour parents don't talk to you anymore, but when they did, they always railed on you. They were angry people who had it in their heads that you were wasting your time.\n\n"You need to apply yourself more," they said. "You need to try harder," they said. "You need to take these courses," they said. "You need to get better grades," they said. "You're burning through our money," they said. "Your grades will help you get a job," they said. "Your employers will look at your GPA first," they said. "You need to get a job for your resume," they said. "Why are you wasting OUR time?" They screamed. "What happened to your dreams? Why don't you care about anything? What is wrong with you?"\n\nEventually, they [[cut you off|halted]].

you don't waste time\nyou tell macy everything\nabout how weak you are\nabout how you got drunk when you know you shouldn't have\nhow it didn't mean anything\njust a release\njust an old-time habit that was hard to break\n\nmacy's livid [understandably so]\nshe wants to know everything about that other girl\nwas she worth it? was she worth breaking the 8 into a 9?\n\n{an 8 can be two wheels spinning next to each other\ndon't forget that\ntwo distinct shapes instead of one shape squeezed}\n\nyou try and try to say no\n[[she was a mistake|B9]]

"I wish I had your willpower," you glumly say to her one afternoon of studying. She's got a pencil behind her ear and another dangling out of her mouth. Macy's been sketching designs for hours. She's a bit old-school like that. She pencils things out, then transfers them to her laptop.\n\n"It's easy to have willpower when you need to eat," she laughs. "Food and rent's a good motivator."\n\nYou nearly forgot that she's still paying rent at some other place that isn't yours. Sometimes she leaves you "money for pizza," which you know is her crafty way of helping you out with your utilities bill.\n\n[[You flip the page in your textbook.]]

it's an exploration of the mind,\nit's you trying to figure out which letter\nA, B, C, or D\n(E, all of the above)\nyou picked to make things go [[wrong]].