Hercules! — 7 of 16

Chapter 6 - The Augean Stables

Elis is west of Nemea. "This bustling land is full of [merchants] hawking their wares and haggling over prices.[paragraph break]To the east you can just make out the edge of the Nemean [grasslands] on the horizon, west lie the city stables. A [mountain] looms to the northeast, and the [isle] Erytheia lies to the northwest, across the [ocean]." Elis is southwest of Mount Erymanthos.

The isle is a backdrop. The isle is in Elis and Erytheia. Understand "island" and "shore" and "shoreline" and "Erytheia" as the isle.

Instead of examining the isle:

if the player is in Erytheia:

try looking instead;

else:

say "You can't see the isle from here. You'll have to take a ferry due northwest to see it."

The stables are a backdrop. The stables are in Elis. Understand "Augean" and "Augean stables" and "stable" as the stables.

Instead of examining the stables:

say "You can't make out very much of the stables from here, they're a ways off to the west.".

The ocean is a backdrop. Understand "water" and "sea" and "salty" and "salty sea" and "salty ocean" and "blue-green" as the ocean. The ocean is in Elis and Erytheia and the Peloponnesian Shore and the Western Shore and Crete. The description of the ocean is "[if the player is in the Western Shore]Slightly more tumultuous than most of the ocean waters on beaches nearby.[else]Calm and gentle as far as oceans go, at least on this beach.[end if] The water is a rich blue-green."

Instead of entering the ocean:

try swimming instead.

Instead of drinking the ocean:

say "Yuck, too salty!" instead.

Instead of tasting the ocean:

try drinking the ocean instead.

The mountain is a backdrop. The mountain is in Elis and Mount Erymanthos and Stymphalia and Keryneia. The description of the mountain is "It's really not much more than a large hill, but for you, any slight incline seems mountainous."

Instead of climbing the mountain:

say "Or you could just walk towards it."

The merchants are people in Elis. "Some merchants are hawking their wares here."

Understand "people" and "sellers" as the merchants. The merchants are plural-named. The description of the merchants is "Everyone is yelling different prices and pulling at various foodstuff and metalwork and vases, you can hardly keep track of all the merchants['] hustle and bustle. It's making you a bit dizzy just looking at them. [paragraph break]The only pattern you notice is that they all seem to be [if stables-clean is false]avoiding[else]gravitating towards[end if] the stables to the west."

The wares are scenery in Elis. Understand "vases" and "vase" and "metalwork" and "foodstuff" as the wares.

Check taking the wares:

try asking the merchants about "wares" instead.

Check touching the wares:

try taking the wares instead.

Check buying the wares:

try taking the wares instead.

Check examining the wares:

try examining the merchants instead.

Check asking the merchants about anything:

say "You'd rather not get trampled within the crowds of the marketplace." instead.

Check telling the merchants about anything:

say "You'd rather not get trampled within the crowds of the marketplace." instead.

Check giving anything to the merchants:

say "You'd rather not get trampled within the crowds of the marketplace." instead.

Check showing anything to the merchants:

say "You'd rather not get trampled within the crowds of the marketplace." instead.

Before going northwest in Elis:

if the score is less than 9:

say "You get a spike of anxiety, as though you're unsure you should be sailing in this direction, but the ride is fairly short and the symptoms are just manageable enough for you to book passage on a ferry headed for...";

else:

say "You quash your fears of seasickness and book passage on a ferry headed for...".

The Augean Stables is west of Elis. "[if stables-clean is false]This is, without a doubt, the grossest place you've ever been in. Shit is everywhere. Literally. [paragraph break]Chittering like shit-covered demons are the famed [carnivorous horses] that reside in these stables, but thankfully the layers of feces are so thick they can't get to you. [paragraph break]The mountains of manure are clearly mostly composed of horse dung, but you also smell the unmistakable stench of human dung, giant dung, crab dung, any kind of dung you can possibly imagine. And that's not even mentioning the snot, the fertilizer, the spittoons, and the dead bodies. Anything gross you can think of is present here, covered in [shit]. Thankfully, there is an exit, back east to the city center.[else]This is, without a doubt, the most beautiful place you've ever been in. Sparkles are everywhere. Literally. [paragraph break]Chittering like smooth, seductive demons are the famed [carnivorous horses] that reside in these stables, thankfully held fast by strong, twinkling rainbow chains.[paragraph break]The gleaming finished wood of the walls and stable doors is the most eye-catching part of the room, but you can also see many other beautifully arranged [sparkling amenities], such as gorgeous satin and leather saddles, shining hair polish, marble floors, and impeccable riding gear. And that's not even mentioning the decorations, the polished stone, the gilded tapestries, and the silver ornaments. Anything beautiful you can think of is present here, covered in diamonds. The only exit is back east to the city."

Instead of inserting the frozen ham into the shit:

say "No, it won't clean anything while it's just one large block of ice."

Instead of putting the frozen ham on the shit:

try inserting the frozen ham into the shit instead.

After dropping the frozen ham when the player is in the Augean Stables:

say "Dropped, but it won't clean anything while it's just one large block of ice."

Instead of smelling the shit:

say "You nearly pass out. What were you thinking?"

Instead of eating the shit:

say "You'd rather die."

Instead of entering the shit:

try eating the shit instead.

Instead of touching the shit:

try taking the shit.

Instead of tasting the shit:

try eating the shit.

Instead of rubbing the shit:

try taking the shit.

Dying is an action applying to nothing. Understand "die" and "end it" and "end it all" and "end me" and "pass out" and "faint" as dying.

Carry out dying:

say "Tempting, but you fight the urge."

The description of the shit is "The horror! The horror!".

The description of the mop is "The mop is already damp with a little water and soap. A sticker on the side of the mop reads 'MAGIMOP™ courtesy of [italic type]Hephaestus, Inc[Roman type]. With this one-of-a-kind Replenisher model, you'll never need a bucket again! (Note: Hephaestus, Inc is not responsible for any accidentally soaked or damaged property.)'"

Instead of drinking the mop:

say "Grosss!!"

Drying is an action applying to one thing. Understand "dry [something]" and "dust [something]" as drying.

Check drying:

say "You don't know where your towel is." instead.

Instead of drying the ocean:

if the player carries the mop:

try cleaning the ocean with the mop instead;

else:

say "Even if you had a towel or a magical mop, you couldn't dry up an entire body of water!"

Instead of drying the expansive lake:

if the player carries the mop:

try cleaning the expansive lake with the mop instead;

else:

say "Even if you had a towel or a magical mop, you couldn't dry up an entire body of water!"

Instead of drying the river Styx:

if the player carries the mop:

try cleaning the river Styx with the mop instead;

else:

say "Even if you had a towel or a magical mop, you couldn't dry up an entire body of water!"

Instead of drying the mop:

say "Impossible, it's magically self-replenishing!"

Instead of inserting something into the ocean:

say "And watch it get washed away forever? No thanks."

Instead of inserting something into the river Styx:

say "And watch it get washed away forever? No thanks."

Instead of inserting something into the expansive lake:

say "And watch it get washed away forever? No thanks."

Some carnivorous horses are people in the Augean Stables. Understand "horse" as the carnivorous horses. The description of the carnivorous horses is "As you stare at them, they immediately begin to chitter up to you and gnash their teeth. You drop back quickly, hyperventilating. You think it's probably best to avoid these creatures."

Check asking the carnivorous horses about anything:

say "As you attempt to approach the beasts, they immediately begin to chitter up to you and gnash their teeth. You drop back quickly, hyperventilating. You think it's probably best to avoid these creatures." instead.

Check telling the carnivorous horses about anything:

say "As you attempt to approach the beasts, they immediately begin to chitter up to you and gnash their teeth. You drop back quickly, hyperventilating. You think it's probably best to avoid these creatures." instead.

Check giving anything to the carnivorous horses:

say "As you attempt to approach the beasts, they immediately begin to chitter up to you and gnash their teeth. You drop back quickly, hyperventilating. You think it's probably best to avoid these creatures." instead.

Check showing anything to the carnivorous horses:

say "As you attempt to approach the beasts, they immediately begin to chitter up to you and gnash their teeth. You drop back quickly, hyperventilating. You think it's probably best to avoid these creatures." instead.

The shit is a thing in the Augean Stables. "An absolutely massive pile of shit is here, covering practically everything." Understand "poop" and "feces" and "manure" and "caca" and "layers" and "poo" and "dung" and "fertilizer" and "droppings" and "turds" and "crap" and "snot" and "dead bodies" and "dead body" and "spittoons" and "spittoon" and "stables" and "doorframe" and "shelf" and "floor" and "floors" and "wall" and "walls" and "stable" and "mountain" and "mountains" and "doorway" as the shit.

Does the player mean cleaning the stables with something:

it is very unlikely.

Does the player mean cleaning something with the mop:

it is very likely.

Instead of taking the shit:

say "Gross... no, you're way too germaphobic to try to do this with your hands. You'd never be able to wash out the smell, let alone the actual substance."

The hammer is a tool. The hammer is in the Augean Stables. "The corner of a [hammer] is peaking out from a high shelf above the massive piles of poop. It's just barely in reach."

The description of the hammer is "A medium-sized hammer. It probably gives you a slight bonus to your bludgeoning damage, but considering your noodly arms, probably not more than a +0.5."

The mop is a thing in the Augean Stables. "There is a [mop] hanging outside the doorframe." A thing can be soapy or dry. A thing is usually dry. The mop is soapy. Understand "magimop" and "replenisher" and "soap" as the mop.

Understand the command "clean" as something new.

Cleaning it with is an action applying to two things. Understand "clean [something] with [something]" as cleaning it with. Understand the command "wipe" as something new. Understand the commands "wipe" and "wash" as "clean".

Understand "limbs" as yourself.

Check cleaning it with:

if the second noun is yourself:

say "You don't think you'd get very far using only your hands." instead;

else if the second noun is dry:

say "You can't clean with that!" instead;

else if the noun is shit:

say "Futile. Utterly, completely futile. You'd probably pass out from the effort." instead;

else if the noun is the carnivorous horses:

if stables-clean is true:

say "They don't need to be cleaned." instead;

else:

say "Futile. Utterly, completely futile. You'd probably pass out from the effort." instead;

else:

say "[if the noun is plural-named]They don't need to be cleaned.[else]That doesn't need to be cleaned.[end if]" instead.

Carry out cleaning it with:

say "[if the noun is plural-named]They don't need to be cleaned.[else]That doesn't need to be cleaned.[end if]".

Instead of cleaning the dead Stymphalian birds with the mop:

say "You clean up the disgusting bird carcasses with the mop, leaving the cursed forest floor clean once again. As you work, you notice the grass underneath the mess has shifted to spell out a message: [paragraph break]'Don't feed the trolls, clean the trolls! Visit the island of Crete, to the west south and east. Advertisement brought to you by the unionized janitorial Cyclopes of [italic type]Hephaestus, Inc.[Roman type]'[paragraph break]Then, as soon as you manage to read the message, it disappears. How strange.";

now the dead Stymphalian birds are nowhere.

Instead of cleaning the hammock with the mop:

if the score is greater than 5:

say "You scrub the hammock with the mop and remove some of the dried goo stains and bird feathers, leaving it slightly less bedraggled.";

else:

continue the action.

Instead of cleaning the flag with the mop:

if the score is greater than 5:

say "You scrub the flag with the mop and remove some of the dried goo stains and bird feathers, leaving it slightly less bedraggled.";

else:

continue the action.

Mop-joke is a truth state that varies. Mop-joke is false.

Instead of cleaning the ocean with the mop:

say "You dry up the ocean completely with your mop!";

now mop-joke is true.

Instead of cleaning the river Styx with the mop:

say "You dry up the river Styx completely with your mop!";

now mop-joke is true.

Instead of cleaning the expansive lake with the mop:

say "You dry up the expansive lake completely with your mop!";

now mop-joke is true.

Mop Punchline is a recurring scene. Mop Punchline begins when mop-joke is true for 3 turns.

When Mop Punchline begins:

say "Fooled you, didn't I? You can't mop a body of water, silly!";

now mop-joke is false.

Mop Punchline ends when mop-joke is false.

Instead of attacking the mop with a tool:

say "There'd be no sense breaking your mop unless you wanted to create a wooden stake. But there's no need for such a weapon - you're not Buffy Summers!".

Instead of attacking something with the mop:

if the noun is the shit or the noun is the dead Stymphalian birds or the noun is the caved-in rocks or the noun is the deep scratches:

try cleaning the noun with the mop instead;

else if the noun is the carnivorous horses:

if stables-clean is true:

say "As you attempt to approach the beasts, they immediately begin to chitter up to you and gnash their teeth. You drop back quickly, hyperventilating. You think it's probably best to avoid these creatures." instead;

else:

try cleaning the noun with the mop instead;

else if the noun is the golden hind:

try taking the golden hind instead;

else if the noun is the lion and lion-bottle is true:

say "[The noun] receive[if the noun is plural-named][else]s[end if] a violent bath.[if the noun is a person] [They] [are] now very annoyed. Or at least, [they] would be if [they] were awake, which [they're] not.[end if]";

else if the noun is Hippolyta and hippolyta-unconscious is true:

say "[The noun] receive[if the noun is plural-named][else]s[end if] a violent bath.[if the noun is a person] [They] [are] now very annoyed. Or at least, [they] would be if [they] were conscious, which [they're] not.[end if]";

else if the noun is yourself:

say "You receive a violent bath, but fail to off yourself with the mop.";

else:

say "[The noun] receive[if the noun is plural-named][else]s[end if] a violent bath.[if the noun is a person] [They] [are] now very annoyed.[end if]"

Mopping is an action applying to one thing. Understand "mop [something]" as mopping.

Check mopping:

if the player carries the mop:

try cleaning the noun with the mop instead;

else:

say "You don't have a mop!" instead.

Hammering is an action applying to one thing. Understand "hammer [something]" as hammering.

Check hammering:

if the player carries the hammer:

try attacking the noun with the hammer instead;

else:

say "You don't have a hammer!" instead.

The strip of bacon is an edible thing. "A strip of bacon is here, lying sadly in front of the doorway." The strip of bacon is nowhere. The description of the strip of bacon is "A single slice of fried pig meat is all that's left of the Erymanthian boar.". Understand "fried" and "meat" as the strip of bacon.

Instead of smelling the strip of bacon:

say "It smells rather alluring, like great fried meat always does."

Instead of eating the strip of bacon:

say "It does smell rather alluring, but you're on a low-acid diet so you can't partake."

Stables-clean is a truth state that varies. Stables-clean is false.

Some sparkling amenities are things. "The whole stable glitters with cleanliness and sparkling amenities." The sparkling amenities are nowhere. Understand "rainbow chains", "stables", "stable", "chains", "satin saddles", "leather saddles", "saddles", "shining hair polish", "hair polish", "polish", "marble floors", "marble", "satin", "rainbow", "leather", "shining", "sparkles", "impeccable riding gear", "riding", "gear", "impeccable", "riding gear", "decorations", "polished stone", "polished", "stone", "gilded tapestries", "gilded", "tapestries", "diamonds", "silver", "ornaments", "stable amenities", "doorframe", "shelf", "finished wood", "wood", and "silver ornaments" and "floor" and "floors" and "wall" and "walls" and "diamond" and "doorway" and "saddle" as the sparkling amenities.

Digging is an action applying to nothing. Understand "dig" as digging.

Check digging:

if the player is in the Augean Stables and stables-clean is false:

say "Gross... no, you're way too germaphobic to try to do this with your hands. You'd never be able to wash out the smell, let alone the actual substance." instead.

Report digging:

say "The ground is too hard here, and you don't have a shovel."

Instead of swinging the hammer:

if the player carries the hammer:

say "You give it a whirl, trip over your two left feet, and fall down[if the player is in the Augean Stables], right into the pile of shit. Gross!![line break][else]. Ugh.[line break][end if][line break]You quickly return to your feet.";

else:

say "You don't have that."

Instead of taking the sparkling amenities:

say "Better leave all these stable amenities be, you don't want to mess anything up."

The description of the sparkling amenities is "Absolutely gorgeous!".

Instead of attacking the frozen ham with the box of matches:

if the player is in the Augean Stables:

say "You're on the right track, but you can't quickly melt something that big, you'll have to break it into chunks somehow first.";

else:

say "Not here! All that would give you is some wet, dripping frozen ham."

Instead of attacking the frozen ham with the hammer:

if the player is in the Augean Stables and the player carries the box of matches and the score is 4:

say "You hammer the ice cube surrounding the ham. Soon, ice covers the floor of the stables and you are left with a rather cold ham, which the carnivorous horses soon distract themselves with. You flare up a match and flick it onto the icy floor. The ice begins to rapidly melt until the whole room is flooded. (It was a really large ice cube.) You open the door, and the water floods out, leaving the room sparkling clean. Your hammer and box of matches were washed away by the water, and all that's left of the ham is a small strip of bacon lying sadly in front of the doorway.";

now the frozen ham is in the lost-and-found box;

now the shit is nowhere;

now the sparkling amenities are in the Augean Stables;

now the matches are in the lost-and-found box;

now the hammer is in the lost-and-found box;

now stables-clean is true;

now the strip of bacon is in the Augean Stables;

increase the score by 1;

follow the notify score changes rule;

try requesting the score;

else if the player is in the Augean Stables and the score is 4:

say "You're on the right track, but you're going to need some heat to melt the ice once it's in pieces across the room.";

else:

say "Not here! All that would give you is some pieces of ice ham.".

test stables with "take frozen ham/ e/ se/ s/ s/ e/ ask Iolaus about the box of matches/ w/ n/ n/ nw/ w/ sw/ w/ take hammer/ attack frozen ham with hammer"