This Won't Make You Happy

You enter the ''Caves of Despair''. You have come here because you thought it would make you happy. It won't. Up ahead, the light is //murky and gray//. What will you do? [[Step deeper into the darkness to confront your fear->Step Deeper]] [[Turn back and leave the cave, where you will find lasting satisfaction->Turn Back]] [[Stand in place, hoping to become happier->Stand in Place]]

You run backwards towards the cave wall, which has collapsed to trap you inside. The collapsed exit mocks you, as if to say, "you should have known better." Although, what it is actually saying is nothing, because it's an inanimate pile of rubble. You do not feel any better than you did before. Do you: [[Go back to where you started->Beginning]] [[Try to eat the rocks->Try to eat the rocks]]

Mustering your courage, you venture deeper into the shadows of the ''CAVES OF DESPAIR''. But now you are simply farther in the darkness and no happier. You are very thirsty and you are very scared. Water drips from the stalactites above. What do you do? [[OPEN MOUTH TO DRINK WATER->WATER]] [[TURN BACK ->Turn Back]]

You stand around for a bit, and feel the same vague emptiness that intermittently has haunted your life since you began existing. Do you: [[Turn back and leave the cave, where you will find lasting satisfaction->Turn Back]] [[Check your phone->Phone]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:3s)[[Fall asleep->Asleep]] [[Step deeper into the Cave of Despair->Step Deeper]]

You attempt to eat the rocks. Your mouth is bleeding. Your teeth ache, as if to say "why did you try to eat rocks, you idiot?" But they actually say nothing, because, like the rest of the collapsed exit, they are inanimate. What will you do? [[Try to eat own teeth->Eat Own Teeth]] [[Go back to where I started->Beginning]]

//''No''//. We're not doing that, dum-dum. What are you talking about? You're going back to where you started, which, again, will not make you any happier. But at least you'll be more on course than ////TRYING TO EAT YOUR OWN TEETH, YOU //LUNATIC//////. (after:3s)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:3s)[[Click here to restart->Beginning]]]

(text-style:"bold","underline","fade-in-out")[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(text-colour:red)[''THIS WON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY'' by Mike Gillis]]] (align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[CLICK ''ANYWHERE'' TO START(click-goto:?page,"Beginning")] <audio src="http://michael-gillis.com/thiswontmakeyouhappy.mp3" autoplay>

<<cacheaudio "happysong" "Music/thiswontmakeyouhappy.mp3">> <<masteraudio volume 1>>

--- (align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[''COPYRIGHT 2021 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED M.R. GILLIS INDUSTRIES''] ''LOADING...'' (after:4s)[(text-colour:white)[(text-style:"rumble")[Click to Continue]](click-goto:?page,"Start Screen")]

(text-style:"sway")[(text-colour:cyan)[I'm sorry...]] (after:3s)[(text-style:"sway")[(text-colour:cyan)[...you're right...]]] (after:5s)[(text-style:"sway")[(text-colour:cyan)[...I've been a terrible narrator.]]] (after:7s)[Click ''Anywhere'' to Continue(click-goto:?page,"Apology 1.5")]

(after:1s)[(text-style:"sway")[(text-colour:cyan)[...I've just been going through a lot here in the ''Caves of Despair''. ]]] (after:4s)[(text-style:"sway")[(text-colour:cyan)[That's where I am, too, by the way. I've been here the whole time. And I'm probably projecting some of these bad feelings onto you.]]] (after:9s)[(text-style:"sway")[(text-colour:cyan)[I'm sure you just wanted to come here for a game. A little fun distraction from your everyday life. I really hope I haven't ruined that for you...]]] (after:13s)[Click ANYWHERE To Continue] (click-goto:?page,"Apology 2.3")

(text-colour:cyan)[You see, this is all I can offer. Just a little peace, a moment of calm, and then it is gone and you are back to your existence. Alone again. Here you are. At your feet is the Jewel of Happiness. What will you do with your life?] [[Stop Playing this Game->Copyright]] [[Breathe->Breathe]] [[Call a friend->Call]] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:6s)[[Pick Up THE JEWEL OF HAPPINESS->Conclusion]]

You decide to spend 20 seconds counting your breaths. Counting //one//... on the in-breath, //two//... on the out-breath, and so on. Whenever your mind wanders, you return to your breathing. You actually do this. You don't just click onwards blindly. To ensure that you do this, you make it so no choice will appear for 20 more seconds.(after:35s)[You feel //mildly// better. Not happy, but sort of... better? What will you do?] (after:40s)[(link-goto:"SPEND ANOTHER TWENTY SECONDS BREATHING","Breathe")] (after:40s)[(link-goto:"STOP PLAYING THIS GAME note this will actually end the game","Copyright")] (after:40s)[(link-goto:"Call A Friend","Call")] (after:20s)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:6s)[[Pick Up THE JEWEL OF HAPPINESS->Conclusion]]]

You dial a friend's number. If it isn't an opportune time, you send them a text--something cool like "hey daddy-o, what's happening, baby?" or "my dear friend, I am in the ''CAVES OF DESPAIR'' and feel as if I'm being toyed with by a maleficent narrator. Can you offer me any balm for my aching soul?" To ensure that you actually do this, you make it so that you cannot move forward for 15 seconds. (after:20s)[You feel mildly better. At your feet is the (text-colour:cyan)[Jewel of Happiness]. What will you do?] (after:20s)[(link-goto:"SPEND TWENTY SECONDS BREATHING","Breathe")] (after:20s)[(link-goto:"STOP PLAYING THIS GAME... NOTE THAT THIS WILL ACTUALLY END THE GAME","Copyright")] (after:20s)[(link-goto:"CALL ANOTHER FRIEND","Call")] (after:20s)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:6s)[[Pick Up THE JEWEL OF HAPPINESS->Conclusion]]]

You get extremely angry. Your face is beet red. Veins stick out from your forehead. You begin smashing things around you at random and screaming "ANGRY! I AM SO ANGRY! I AM ANGRY AT THIS GAME! GAAHHHHHHHH!" And then you make it into a death metal song called (text-style:"shudder")+(text-colour:red)[[USER ANGER LACERATION]]. Wicked! What will you say to me, the narrator? (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:3s)[["Why did you even design this game, let alone build the ''CAVES OF DESPAIR'' if you didn't want people to play it?->Apology]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:3s)[["Hey, here's a thought: Maybe all these stupid metafictional narrative devices are your ways of hiding deep psychic anguish?"->Apology]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:3s)[["Also, ever consider that for some people playing games is just a fun thing to do? Like, maybe you're needlessly complicating things?"->Apology]]

(text-colour:cyan)[The JEWEL OF HAPPINESS glints and glimmers before you, a magical combustion of wonder and mystery contained within its indigo depths.] (text-colour:cyan)[(after:20s)[What will you do?]] (after:20s)[(t8n-time:6s)[[Reach out.->Reach Out]]] <audio src="http://michael-gillis.com/honeyshort.mp3" autoplay>

The (text-colour:blue)[cold, sweet water] drips upon your tongue. For an instant——fleeting and barely recognized——you feel something like satisfaction. But then it is gone and you are alone again in the ''CAVES OF DESPAIR''. You feel empty, but then you see a (text-colour:yellow)[glowing gem ]in the corner. "Oh cool!" you think. "A (text-colour:yellow)[glowing gem]! That'll fill up this emptiness inside me!" You love (text-colour:yellow)[glowing gems]! What do you do? [[Collect the glowing gem--duh!->GG1]] [[Eat the glowing gem->GGEAT]] [[Examine the ludo-narrative ethics of collecting gems->GGPHILO]]

You collect the (text-colour:yellow)[ GLOWING GEM]. It makes a nice tinkling noise. Hey, that's nice! You still are not happy. But look--another (text-colour:yellow)[ GLOWING GEM] is right next to it. What will you do? [[COLLECT THE NEXT GLOWING GEM->GG2]] [[ATTEMPT TO EAT THE NEXT GLOWING GEM->GGEAT]] <audio src="http://michael-gillis.com/coin1.wav" autoplay>

You attempt to eat the(text-colour:yellow)[ GLOWING GEM]. Your mouth is bleeding. Your teeth ache, as if to say "why did you try to eat a (text-colour:yellow)[ GLOWING GEM], you idiot?" But they actually say nothing, because, like most everything else here, they are inanimate. What will you do? [[COLLECT THE GLOWING GEM->GG1]]

Referring to the works of Clint Hocking, Victoria K. Gosling, and Jonathan Blow, you walk over to the (text-colour:yellow)[GLOWING GEM]. You examine its irradiating color and listen closely to the shimmering noise it emits. You wonder, "What does it //mean// to collect this gem? What does it offer to me spiritually, as the player? How does its (text-colour:yellow)[floating], (text-colour:orange)[//effervescent//] (text-colour:red)[quality] convey a sense of enchantment, while its (text-colour:navy)[divisible], (text-colour:purple)[easily-collectable] quality simultaneously projects a solidity, a reality, a satisfaction so real that I could almost hold it in my hand? Paging through an essay by ludologist Jesper Juul, you conclude the (text-colour:yellow)[GLOWING GEM] is very shiny and it would be fun to collect it. What do you do? [[COLLECT THE GEM->GG1]] [[TRY TO EAT THE GEM->GGEAT]]

You pick up the (text-colour:yellow)[GLOWING GEM]. It also tinkles. You still feel hollow. Oh awesome! Look, there's another (text-colour:yellow)[GLOWING GEM] right over there, down the path. It's even more glowing and gemlike than the last one! What do you do? [[COLLECT GLOWING GEM! COLLECT GLOWING GEM!!!->GG3]] <audio src="http://michael-gillis.com/coin1.wav" autoplay>

You collect the (text-colour:yellow)[GLOWING GEM]. It tinkles! You're so excited to have all these (text-colour:yellow)[GLOWING GEMS]. What do you do? [[SING THE GLOWING GEM SONG->GGSONG]] <audio src="http://michael-gillis.com/coin1.wav" autoplay>

You run around in circles singing a stupid song: //♫♫(text-colour:yellow)[Glowing gem! ] (text-colour:yellow)[Glowing gem! ] da-da-da-da! (text-colour:yellow)[Glowing gem] soooonnnnng--a-cha-cha-cha!♪♪// You are sweating from all the great singing and dancing and gem collecting. What do you do? [[COLLAPSE TO THE GROUND->FALL DOWN]] [[COLLECT MORE GEMS!!! GEMS!!!!->GG1]] <audio src="http://michael-gillis.com/gemsong.mp3" autoplay>

(text-style:"buoy")[You fall asleep.] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"shudder")+(t8n-time:2s)[[Click HERE to continue drifting off.->ASLEEP]]

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(text-style:"sway")[(text-colour:cyan)[... I didn't realize what I was doing.]] (after:1s)[Click ''Anywhere'' to Continue(click-goto:?page,"Apology 2")]

You are rudely shaken awake. You blink. You are still in the ''CAVES OF DESPAIR'' and you still feel unhappy. Shaking you is a (text-colour:green)[LITTLE GREEN MAN]. What will you do? (t8n-time:3s)[[ASK: "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"->GROMMO]] (t8n-time:3s)[[ASK: "WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAKE ME UP?"->GROMMO]] (t8n-time:3s)[[ATTEMPT TO EAT THE LITTLE GREEN MAN->EAT GROMMO]]

The (text-colour:green)[LITTLE GREEN MAN]——who is 3 feet tall——Responds: (after:2s)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(text-style:"wavy-underline")[(text-colour:lime)+(background:grey)[I am Grommo the Gremlin! A very smart beast am I! Garumph-falumph-foo-foo-fa Give me your gems or you die!]]] What will you do?] (t8n-depart:"zoom")+(t8n-arrive:"zoom")+(t8n-time:2s)[[SLAY GROMMO THE GREMLIN ->SLAY GROMMO]] (t8n-depart:"zoom")+(t8n-arrive:"zoom")+(t8n-time:2s)[[GO TO GIVE GROMMO THE GREMLIN YOUR GEMS BUT THEN GO "PSYCH!" AND SLAY HIM INSTEAD->SLAY GROMMO]]

You attempt to gnaw on the corner of The Green Man's head. He seems very angry to have someone chewing on his head. The Green Man responds: (after:2s)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(text-style:"wavy-underline")[(text-colour:lime)+(background:grey)[I am Grommo the Gremlin! A very smart beast am I! Garumph-falumph, stop chewing on my head! Give me your gems or you die!]]] What will you do?] (t8n-depart:"zoom")+(t8n-arrive:"zoom")+(t8n-time:2s)[[SLAY GROMMO THE GREMLIN ->SLAY GROMMO]]

(text-style:"double-underline")[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[''GROMMO IS SLAIN!'']] You pick Grommo up and chuck him off a cliff, where he falls for what sounds like hours, his little feet kicking the whole time as he sings his stupid song. Nice job! You murdered a defenseless being. Why did you do that? What the hell is wrong with you? Did it ever occur to you that Grommo had a family? That his wife is named Gromhilda, and that they live in a little crystal formation in these caves? Or that they make love while singing his Grommo song every night? And that the intimacy between them is greater than anything you'll ever experienced in your life? All of that is gone now. You've extinguished a universe with his death. What will you do with this information, you bastard?! (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:2s)[[SHOUT: "WHAT? You made me kill him! That was the only option! This game is so annoying."->Player Angry]] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:2s)[[SHOUT: "AGHHH, you're a terrible narrator. I'm just trying to have fun playing a game and you keep ruining it!"->Player Angry]] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:2s)[[SCREAM: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT? YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING!!!"->Player Angry]] <audio src="http://michael-gillis.com/coin1.wav" autoplay>

You open up your phone. You check your dating apps. You scroll mindlessly through Twitter. You play a game where you line up pieces of sushi. You feel like you just wasted a few minutes of time for no reason. Do you: [[Turn back and leave the cave, where you will find lasting satisfaction->Turn Back]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:3s)[[Fall asleep->Asleep]] [[Step deeper into the Cave of Despair->Step Deeper]]

You lie down on the hard cavern floor and slowly drift off, but only vague flickers of dream images pass across your consciousness. You see Patrick Swayze practicing kung fu in his full shirtless hunkdom in //Road House//. Rippling abs and everything. But then he looks at you and waggles his finger as if to say "no, no, no, you shall have none of this." You awake and feel a deep disappointment. What will you do? [[Turn back and leave the cave, where you will find lasting satisfaction->Turn Back]] [[Check your phone->Phone]] [[Stand up and step deeper into the Cave of Despair->Step Deeper]]

(text-colour:cyan)[Would it help to see something nice? Something calming, maybe? Something that makes you feel life is worthwhile? Here, I can try to show you. Take a few steps forward into the next room.] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:8s)[[Click HERE To Continue->Apology 3.1]]

(text-colour:cyan)[I started learning how to code because... it felt like my life had fallen apart during this past year. Did yours?] [[YEAH...->Apology 2.75]] [[... UH, MORE OR LESS...->Apology 2.75]]

(after:8s)[(text-colour:cyan)[Once your eyes adjust, you can see //everything// in the chamber.]] (after:15s)[(text-colour:cyan)[All around you are a thousand stalactites of diamond, forged from 10,000 years of compressed quartz.]] (after:24s)[(text-colour:cyan)[The blue light refracts through them and winks with each step, glinting rays dancing in double and triple through one prism into another.]] (after:31s)[(text-colour:cyan)[The world is ''alive'' with color. You are alive.]] (after:38s)[(text-colour:cyan)[For once, here and now, you are ''alive''.]] (after:44s)[(t8n-time:8s)[[When ready, click HERE To Continue->Apology 4]]] <audio src="http://michael-gillis.com/breathe.mp3" autoplay>

(text-colour:cyan)[You reach out. You fingers inch closer. They get even closer. They continue to get closer. The JEWEL OF HAPPINESS is within reach now. What you came here to retrieve. You reach closer. Far closer now. You see the gem and you are getting closer to it. ] (t8n-time:6s)[[Keep Reaching->Keep Reaching]]

(text-colour:cyan)[You keep reaching. Your fingers inch closer. You can almost brush the JEWEL OF HAPPINESS now. Its mystical blue color fans out between your fingers, trickles through your knuckles. You keep reaching. You strain closer. My goodness! You are almost there now. You are almost there! What do you do?] (t8n-time:6s)[[Grab The Jewel->Grab The Jewel]]

(text-colour:cyan)[You are so close now--and yet, it seems you have gotten just an inch farther away from the Jewel of Happiness. How could this be? You must get closer. You are getting closer, aren't you? Yes. Yes, you are so close now. What do you do?] (t8n-time:6s)[[Reach Out->Reach Out]]

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