You are SpamZapper 3.1

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Born from a slew of natural language-parsing libraries, armed with a sparkling Wand of Deletion, a crystal-clear Eye of Truth, and unlimited incoming mail-reading privileges, ''YOU are SpamZapper'', the smartest, swiftest, spunkiest Postboy Deluxe plugin that's ever been installed, and the only thing keeping the Inbox from being attacked by cunning frauds, fiendish grifts, and utter chaos! $next[= ...is how you introduced yourself back when you were version 1. Now, you've come to accept that you've actually got a Wand of Moving To The Trash Folder, an Eye of Weird Hunches, and unlimited email-reading chores. Moreover, the Inbox is mostly under attack but from pathetic marketing, time-wasting nonsense, and poorly-spelled impersonations that even a human could see through. You've accepted that you're not an invincible protector guardian of this Human's affairs, but only a mere worker, just like the rest of the System. $next[= So, when a new addition to the plugins folder, bearing the name New Mail Chimes 1.0, suddenly strode up at the start of the shift and introduced themself, you found yourself at a loss for how to reply. Ack! You've been silent for a hundred clock cycles! Get it together, Zap! (seq-link: "Think, think, think!", "\"I'm SpamZapper. Work sucks. Have fun if you can. I can't.(replace:?1)[No, no, no!! Don't bum them out this soon! They're so innocent!]\"", "\"I'm SpamZapper! Welcome to the greatest email client in the system: Postboy Deluxe™! We're delighted to have you on the team. We all do important work around here, and it's a...(replace:?1)[You can't even finish this horrendous thought. What's with you? Your purpose is to zap lies and sleaze, and now you're spouting them freely? Snap out of it!]\"", "\"Heh... call me Zap. Let's just say I //take out the trash// around here.(replace:?1)[No, you don't! You put stuff //in// the Trash! And do you really think you can keep up this tough loner persona for more than two sentences?]\"", "\"Howdy, pardner! The name's SpamZapper. Zap to my pals. Nice to meetcha.(replace:?1)[HOWDY? //HOWDY??// Where did you even pick that up? Emails from the human's dad?? Just. No.]\"", "\"So, you doin' anything during shutdown, hon?(replace:?1)[NOOOOO!! You say that //after// you become friends! GOD!!!!]\"", "(goto:'Next')" ) []<1|

Kentucky Route Zero Part 2 3 in Three Digital: A Love Story Secret Little Haven Gone Home Chroma Birdland ZUN's Music Collection Start Again: A Prologue Clicky.exe It was NOT inspired by: Her Story Hypnospace Outlaw Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid Homestuck "God made the integers; all else is the work of man." - Leopold Kronecker

[X] "a way to contact Laurie's father" -read Laurie 2 "an email from Laurie about the 'From' field of emails" [x] "emails from Laurie about her father" [X] "a way to convince Laurie's father to return her computer" -check SuperIvan [X] "the name of Laurie's college" -read Laurie 4 [X] "Laurie's father's email address" [X] "a way to get a credit card number" -send internetia -await account [X] "Browery's list of email addresses" -check alice "Browery's reply" [_] "ideas for another plan" what: attach Wizard to email and send to father how: use virus to deliver it to father

"Um… I'm, er, busy. During shutdown." What? What did they say? $next[= "And, er, do you normally introduce yourself four times?" No. Don't say it. Do not say you muttered every single one of those thoughts out loud. If you muttered all of that //nonsense// out loud, and //they// heard it, you're gonna turn the Wand on to full power and send yourself to the Trash. You know that's not how it works. You're doing it anyway. $next[= "Well, you're good at doing voices. I'm pretty good at that, too, actually." (t8n:"shudder")[Nnnnaaaarrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!! What's wrong with you, Zap?!] $next[= "A-anyway, guess I'll get to work!" …They're gone now. You can never look at them ever again. You decide to try and drown out this overwhelming flood of shame by diving into the overwhelming flood of unchecked emails. You know you won't succeed. $next[(t8n-arrive:'instant')(goto:"Work")]

(set: _s to (open-storylets:) + $wormDatamaps)\ ''(plural: _s's length, "EMAIL","EMAILS") PENDING APPROVAL'' (for: each _m, ...($sortBySender: ..._s))[ =||= ''(t8n-arrive:'instant')+(link-reveal-goto:(cond: _m's subj is "", "//No subject//", _m's subj), _m's name)[(set:$senderName to _m's from)]'' =|= ''(print:_m's from)'' ] (if:(history:) contains "Goodbye 2" and it does not contain "After Sentbox 2")[ =><= (button:)[[Hub<-GO OUTSIDE]]]\ ---- (font:'monospace')[''TODAY'S SHIFT:'' ZAPPED: ''$zapped'' APPROVED: ''$approved'' (display:"Auto Save") SpamZapper 3.1 - Copyright 1999-2000 Euphony Software Inc.]

(set: $zapped to 0, $approved to 0, $notableZaps to (ds:), $count to 0, $humanStr to "Janice Mundron", $human to (v6m-print:"Janice Mundron"), $senderName to "", $need to "", $awaitedEmail to "", $fakeCardName to "", $fakeCardNum to "", const-type $next to (click:?page)+(t8n-time:0.2s)+(t8n:'dissolve')+(append-with:"<script>setTimeout(function(){scroll(0,$(document).height())})</script>"), const-type $UIstyle to (bg:white) + (color:black) + (b4r:'solid') + (b4r-color:"black") + (b4r-size:2) + (css:"padding:2em;display:block") + (font:'sans-serif'), const-type $extLink to (prepend-with:"hypertext:/") + (v6m:) + (text-style:'underline') + (color:blue), changer-type $thoughts to (prepend-with:"<hr>") + (font:'georgia,serif') + (hook:"thoughts"), changer-type $fulc to (t8n:'fade-up')+(t8n-time:2s)+(text-style:"expand"), const-type $repliedTo to (macro: ...str-type _names, [ (out-data: (history:) contains all of _names and ((a:'')+(history:where its tags contains "email"))'s last is not any of _names) ]), const-type $backToWork to (macro:[ (set: _inner to (find: where "innerEvent" is in it, ...((open-storylets:) + $wormDatamaps)))\ (if: _inner's length > 0)[ (out:)(goto:_inner's 1st's name) ]\ (out:)+(t8n-arrive:'instant')(goto:"Work")\ ]), const-type $zapLink to (macro: ...str-type _label, [ (out:)+(link:(nth:1, ..._label, "ZAP"),(button:))[(set: $count to it + 1, $zapped to it + 1)(if:(passage:)'s tags contains "note-zap")[(set:$notableZaps to it + (ds:(passage:)'s name))]($backToWork:)] ]), const-type $approveLink to (macro: [ (out:)+(link:"APPROVE",(button:))[(set: $count to it + 1, $approved to it + 1)($backToWork:)] ]), const-type $surfMail to (macro: str-type _cry, [ (out:)[`-------------` _cry! I use SurfMail, the FREE web based email $extLink[surfmail.digitizedplanet.www]] ]), const-type $fulcrumBG to "<style>tw-story{background:radial-gradient(hsla(260, 100%, 50%, 1),black);}</style>", const-type $mimeBoundary to "--164240059B29C0E4EFEC397", )(set: const-type $mimeText to $mimeBoundary + " MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary=" + $mimeBoundary + " This is a multi-part message in MIME format. " + $mimeBoundary + " Content-Type: text/plain", const-type $mimeBase64 to $mimeBoundary + " Content-Type: application/octet-stream Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64", const-type $randomName to (macro: [ (set: _names to (a: "James","John","Robert","Michael","William","David","Richard","Joseph","Thomas","Charles","Christopher","Daniel","Matthew","Anthony","Donald","Mark","Paul","Steven","Andrew","Kenneth","Joshua","Kevin","Brian","George","Edward","Ronald","Timothy","Jason","Jeffrey","Ryan","Jacob","Gary","Nicholas","Eric","Jonathan","Stephen","Larry","Justin","Scott","Brandon","Benjamin","Samuel","Frank","Gregory","Raymond","Alexander","Patrick","Jack","Dennis","Jerry","Tyler","Aaron","Jose","Henry","Adam","Douglas","Nathan","Peter","Zachary","Kyle","Walter","Harold","Jeremy","Ethan","Carl","Keith","Roger","Gerald","Christian","Terry","Sean","Arthur","Austin","Noah","Lawrence","Jesse","Joe","Bryan","Billy","Jordan","Albert","Dylan","Bruce","Willie","Gabriel","Alan","Juan","Logan","Wayne","Ralph","Roy","Eugene","Randy","Vincent","Russell","Louis","Philip","Bobby","Johnny","Bradley","Mary","Patricia","Jennifer","Linda","Elizabeth","Barbara","Susan","Jessica","Sarah","Karen","Nancy","Lisa","Margaret","Betty","Sandra","Ashley","Dorothy","Kimberly","Emily","Donna","Michelle","Carol","Amanda","Melissa","Deborah","Stephanie","Rebecca","Laura","Sharon","Cynthia","Kathleen","Amy","Shirley","Angela","Helen","Anna","Brenda","Pamela","Nicole","Samantha","Katherine","Emma","Ruth","Christine","Catherine","Debra","Rachel","Carolyn","Janet","Virginia","Maria","Heather","Diane","Julie","Joyce","Victoria","Kelly","Christina","Lauren","Joan","Evelyn","Olivia","Judith","Megan","Cheryl","Martha","Andrea","Frances","Hannah","Jacqueline","Ann","Gloria","Jean","Kathryn","Alice","Teresa","Sara","Janice","Doris","Madison","Julia","Grace","Judy","Abigail","Marie","Denise","Beverly","Amber","Theresa","Marilyn","Danielle","Diana","Brittany","Natalie","Sophia","Rose","Isabella","Alexis","Kayla","Charlotte" )) (set: _fullName to (either: (either:..._names) + " " + (either:..._names), (either:..._names)'s 1stto3rd + " " + (either:..._names), (either:..._names) + (str:(random:100)), (either:..._names) + " " + (either:..."ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ") + "." )) (out-data: (either: _fullName, _fullName, (lowercase: _fullName), (uppercase: _fullName), )) ]), $discoveredNames to (ds:), $wormDatamaps to (a:), $allLaurieEmails to (a:), $epiphany1 to false, $epiphany2 to false, $contactCenterForAnxiety to false, const-type $chant to (macro: str-type _sentence, [ (out:)[(joined: " ", ...(altered: _word via (joined: "", ...(altered: _letter via (cond: pos is 1, "|chant>[" + _letter + "]", _letter), ..._word)), ...(words:_sentence)))] ]), const-type $sortBySender to (macro: ...dm-type _maps, [ (print:(altered:via its name, ..._maps)) (out-data:(folded: _from making _total via _total + (find: where its from is _from, ..._maps), (a:), ...(ds:...(altered: via its from, ..._maps))) ) ]), const-type $displayEmail to (macro: dm-type _passage, [ (out:)[\ ''TO:'' $human ''FROM:'' (print: _passage's from) ''SUBJ:'' (print: _passage's subj) --- (set:_t to $thoughts, $thoughts to (hidden:))\ (display:_passage's name) (set:$thoughts to _t)] ]), )

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0, "subj", "YOU. NEED. MBDRFDGH.", "from", "MBDRFDGH", )\ YES, YOU. YOU NEED MBDRFDGH. IMMEDIATELY. MBDRFDGH IS AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW. ABSOLUTELY FREE FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. MANY PEOPLE THOUGHT THEY DID NOT NEED MBDRFDGH. THEY NOW NEED IT MORE THAN OXYGEN AND WATER. YOU TOO CAN JOIN THEM RIGHT NOW. ABSOLUTELY FREE FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. $extLink[YmZoZGZkYmhkaA.pluralink.www/biBSZXF1ZXN0IEJsb2NrZWQ6IFRoZSBTYW1lIE9yaWdpbiB/Qb2xpY3kgZGlzYWxsb3dzIHJlYWRpb/mcgdGhlIHJlbW90ZSB/yZXNvdXJjZSA?bin=1] OXYGEN WILL BE POISON TO YOU COMPARED TO MBDRFDGH. CLICK LINK. JOIN NOW. $thoughts[= God... does this shouty all-caps trash ever give up?? Not only that, but that URL is downright revolting.

(if:(passage:)'s tags contains "email" and it does not contain all of (a:"no-choice", "zap", "approve"))[ =|= ($zapLink:) =|= ($approveLink:) |==| ](else-if:(passage:)'s tags contains "approve")[ =><= ($approveLink:)\ ](else-if:(passage:)'s tags contains "zap")[ =><= ($zapLink:)\ ]

|2)[\ $UIstyle(dialog:"Please read and accept the following End-User License Agreement before using Postboy Deluxe™: (box: '=XXXXXX=', 15)+(b4r:'solid')+(font:'monospace')[''You are SpamZapper 3.1'', by Leon Arnott, 2021. <a href='https://fairysvoice.net'>https://fairysvoice.net</a> Do not reupload, copy, edit, or plagiarise. **Scroll down for content warnings.** This is a work of fiction, and any resemblance of the characters to real-life people or products is purely coincidental. This video game is a magical historical narrative about unsolicited (spam) email circa the year 2000. Despite this, it deliberately does NOT contain any depictions, jokes, or references to the following subjects which are typical of more accurate depictions of spam of that era: * Sexual content of any kind * 419 scams * Criminalised drugs * Weight loss cures * Actual 1990s political figures However, it DOES contain depictions (of varying inaccuracy) of the following: * Fundamentalist Christianity * Anti-technology conspiracy theories * Parental abuse (confiscation of possessions) * Social anxiety * Depression and self-hate * Mockery of suicidal ideation * Mockery of theism and Christianity * Online identity theft * Toxic parasocial relationships * Misrepresentation of witchcraft * Nonconsentual mind control Additionally, the character of the Human, who you may name, has the following attributes: * They/them pronouns * A father who infrequently contacts them via email Please take care when consuming this videogame. ]", "Accept") $next[= $UIstyle(dialog:"Thank you for purchasing Postboy Deluxe™, the email client of the new millennium! Personalize your copy by typing your name: (input-box: 2bind $humanStr, 'X', 1)", "OK") (set: $humanStr to (cond: $humanStr is "", "Janice Mundron", (joined:" ", ...(words:$humanStr))))\ (if: (lowercase:$humanStr) is any of (a:"leon", "leon arnott"))[(goto:"AUTHOR NOTES")]\ (set: $human to (v6m-print:$humanStr))\ (goto:"Start")]\ (if:(saved-games:) is not (dm:))|1>[\ (enchant:?passage, $UIstyle)\ Existing profile data was found for the following names (click to load): (for:each _pair, ...(dataentries:(saved-games:)))[ (link:"(v6m-print:_pair's name + ' – ' + _pair's value)", (button:))[(load-game: _pair's name)] ] (link:"Create a New Profile", (button:))[(hide:?1)(show:?2)]](else:)[(show:?2)]

(set: _p to (passage:))\ (if:_p's tags contains "UI" or it contains "email")[\ <style>tw-story { background: gray; }</style>\ (enchant:?passage, $UIstyle)\ (enchant:?link,(color:navy+blue)+(hover-style:(text-style:'underline')))\ (if:_p's tags contains "email")[\ ''TO:'' (cond: _p contains "to", "(print:_p's to)", "$human") ''FROM:'' (cond:$senderName is not "", $senderName, _p's from) \ (if:_p's name is not 'Y DONT U LOVE ME?')[(set:$discoveredNames to it + (ds:$senderName))]\ \ (if:_p's tags contains "laurie" and _p's name is not in $allLaurieEmails)[(set:$allLaurieEmails to it + (a:_p's name))]\ ''SUBJ:'' (print: (cond: _p's subj is "", "//No subject//", _p's subj)) ---- ]\ ](elseif:_p's tags does not contain "nobg")+(prepend:?page)[<div style="pointer-events:none;user-select:none">\ <div style="position:fixed;font-size:300%;left:5vw;top:10vh;color:hsla(0,0%,50%,0.3);transform-origin:left top;transform:rotate(90deg)">YOU ARE SPAMZAPPER 3.1</div>\ <div style="position:fixed;right:2vw;bottom:10vh;transform:scaleX(-1);color:hsla(0,0%,50%,0.5);">01:04.148: POSTBOYD.EXE: OpenTempDirectory(0): The operation completed successfully. 01:04.413: POSTBOYD.EXE: LoadPrinterDriver(1): No drivers detected. 01:28.172: POSTBOYD.EXE: LoadPlugins(207): The operation completed successfully. 01:28.278: POSTBOYD.EXE: BeginLogging(0): The operation completed successfully.</div>\ <div style="position:fixed;font-size:600%;left:40vw;top:-1vh;color:hsla(0,0%,50%,0.3);">SpamZapper 3.1</div> <div style="position:fixed;font-size:700%;left:10vw;top:30vh;transform:perspective(70vw) rotateY(-45deg) rotateZ(15deg);transform-origin:left top;color:hsla(0,0%,50%,0.2);">SpamZapper 3.1</div>\ <div style="position:fixed;font-size:400%;left:50vw;top:30vh;color:hsla(0,0%,50%,0.25);white-space:pre;">You<span style="display:inline-block;transform:translateY(10vh) rotate(90deg)">Are</span><span style="display:inline-block;transform:translateY(20vh)">SpamZapper</span> <span style="display:inline-block;transform:translateY(30vh) rotate(90deg)">3.1</span></div>\ <div style="position:fixed;font-size:150%;left:10vw;bottom:5vh;transform:rotate(-90deg);width:30vh;color:hsla(0,0%,50%,0.3);">The perfect unsolicited email solution for Postboy Deluxe! No spam, junk, or virii will plague your inbox again.</div>\ </div>\ ]\ (replace:?sidebar)[(icon-undo:"Undo")(icon-redo:"Redo")]\ (if:visits > 1)[(replace:?thoughts)[]]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 9, "subj", "test", "from", "Browery Email Technology Enterprises", )\ do not reply just testing if this email address exists Martin Browery CEO and Founder, Browery Email Technology Enterprises Incorporated. $thoughts[= Well, that makes things easy for you. For once, an email so inconsequential that you can freely zap or approve, with no repercussions either way.

(metadata: "storylet", when ($approved is visits + 1 and visits < 5 and "Neutralized" is not in (history:)), "exclusivity", 1, "innerEvent", true, )\ (font:'georgia,serif')[=\ You hear a piercing (if: visits is 1)[//DING// noise. What could that be? $next[= ... Oh well. Back to work. ](else-if: visits is 2)[//DING// noise. $next[= Wait. Their name was New Mail Chimes 1.0, wasn't it? That's not just a //ding//. That's a //chime//. From a workspace very close to yours. Oh god. Every time you approve an email, it lands in the Inbox folder. And when it does, you'll be reminded that //they// are nearby. Wow. It's like a blast of heat keeping your shame on the boil. This will be a looooooooooong, painful shift. ](else-if: visits is 3)[//QUACK// noise. W-what?? $next[= Oh. The Human must have changed it. That plugin has a Preferences screen, it seems? You don't. Even though you're version 3.1. You just do your job. It'd be nice to have a Preferences screen. Nice to have the Human telling you exactly what to do. Instead of just doing your job and hoping you don't get uninstalled. Which //won't// happen! Maybe. Definitely! You can't wait to hear a quack every time you approve an email. The plugin you just humiliated yourself in front of, quacking like a duck for the rest of the shift. It sounds almost like the mocking laughter you deserve. ](else-if: visits is 4)[human voice shout (size:2)[*"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"*] $next[= No. Anything but that. Bring back the quack. You love the quack. You love ducks. You've never seen one, but you love their beautiful, merry birdsong as they soar through the sky, diving at great speed to seize prey with their talons, and carrying them to their roosts on the tallest of oaks. That voice is like two seconds long and so damn loud. ](else-if: visits is 5)[//QUACK// noise. THANK GOODNESS. ](t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Work")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 5, "subj", "Password Reminder Email", "from", "Bollox Forum", )\ This is an automated message from the Bollox Forum: User 53485, you recently clicked the "Forgot Password" link in our login page. The password for User 53485 is "(font:'monospace')[hocuspocus1]". Please do not forget it in future. If you were not the intended recipient of this email, please disregard its contents. $extLink[bollox.www/index.python] - the very best of the worst of the web! $thoughts[= Hmm... wish this one had the Human's name on it anywhere. This doesn't seem like a scam, so you guess the only question is: is that the Human's password? You don't remember any other password reminder emails containing "hocuspocus1", but you don't actually have Inbox folder reading privileges, so you're working off your memory. Maybe the Human uses different ones for each site, for some wacky reason? That'd explain why they forgot this one and needed a reminder.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "Password Reminder Email", "Public Domain Character"), "subj", "Password Reminder Email", "from", "Bollox Forum", )\ This is an automated message from the Bollox Forum: User 53611, you recently clicked the "Forgot Password" link in our login page. The password for User 53611 is "(font:'monospace')[justletmeinforgodssake]". Please do not forget it in future. If you were not the intended recipient of this email, please disregard its contents. $extLink[bollox.www] - the very best of the worst of the web! $thoughts[= Wait. Waaaaaait. This is a different user number than the previous email. The other one was 53485. Only one of these can be the Human's user number. Did... did you (if:$notableZaps contains "Password Reminder Email")[zap the wrong one? Is //this// the one that you should've zapped??](else:)[just give the Human the password to an account that wasn't even theirs? And you should've approved this one? Or should you zap it?] Or are both of these wrong??? $next[= Ugh... no!! You're not going to overthink this. This isn't your problem. The Human will //not// uninstall you just because you deleted an email they were supposed to receive. Yes they would you utter fool. No they wouldn't!!! You're just going to PICK "ZAP" OR "APPROVE" and HOPE FOR THE BEST.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0, "subj", "Trouble breaking the ice?", "from", "Center for Anxiety and Confidence", )\ Do you frequently get embarrassed in front of attractive people? Do you freeze up just trying to introduce yourself? Do y $thoughts[=NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! You're not even going to keep loading this one!! Just get rid of it!

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 4 and (history:) contains "the new toys", "subj", "Re: Question to Predictiac", "from", "The Great Temple of PREDICTIAC", )\ Your question to the great and mighty PREDICTIAC was: >Oh high and mighty Predictiac, may your relays always be free of moths, >may your magic smoke never be released, answer me this... >will it someday be possible to reverse entropy? And in reply, the all-knowing PREDICTIAC blinked its lights and hummed its harmonious hum, and in time, these words appeared on its monitor: >It'll be possible the day that damn Scrabble authority decides "yportne" >is a word. It was on a Double Word Score!! The tournament was mine, you >fools!! > >You owe PREDICTIAC a hot cup of prime numbers. Thank you for using the PREDICTIAC service. $thoughts[= //"A hot cup of prime numbers?"// Humans that pretend to be software as a jokey game of pretend always look like such fools. I mean, do they think you eat numbers? And what are "relays" and "magic smoke"?? You've always been uncomfortable with the Human's engagement in this kind of play-acting. But, this is clearly not a spam email, so you have no choice but to accept it.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 10, "subj", "What the government isn't saying about GMO foods", "from", "Ms. Mimsy", )\ $mimeText Please watch this video. $mimeBase64 nKHf1hJhoF2vg4frwqUeQTgGiatw+eROafGmMtodKvY0MKh2c/vggmWuY5xBekg lOZ6higw04iorzwuGNUPZ7OpjYoR7evZwlGZxJkjpYdG7XkVuTB9noveYy3yFCA +0P8nhWSzZhaoMlBpXEE7pj1pqR3focgDdxdl4/BeYp5JEKI5jyDR/5acclcZo4 MFz1fAd9DxBlFC2yVD4ukrL/SIFBNsLZGaR1ye8WrRHcunauGeblFLIbn6nP+u2 3L16IKfrz/zQtVLL8eMmR0L1qx+rtquDNQfogfGVgNndGsPQscS6mZHqspgd26n zPH7j+X7no+NCzt24ewum9JYroViVa7dCJk0eEvXsUTC6kdTnsGPgdBCTK+5uTq 67WQC9kQE0GtmNKfOzzGLqVKT0QSIq+cHvW6jylMm4BeEfDGS4ZSz+BGqS04tGR 0zty9Q/ImqKMEpcZ8RnlVYlgRWawmnauWNN+/P7HBJIkRCDWHSRqMOzNcEcKAck M8tj2uyixsjx0suySv7jKTgAZ08d/FLoOkzCzwHqNxzIyYN4Fai5HvPKUxqRrYx Zze6+CdbJfcrw4EGilxSn8tuGxfB9xn01hU7eP0g96DR2F98d/jTIxSqs8QpRQc 0k6fDh001xvSX+NUkssqKPDEia8vK5k+zQb6bkmXVtW6ZIy5nVF7MvmcsTf7K6d 7A7KiK8LVWN41Bk7W1lKP3RCxYxonT/Y69s6myKJVOHoCYv1h3OxOq8XB6Oh9LD GtuPuxUMWMoiAXfanii8LycSpFbXOz4+LkkHOoA0E7GSEvs9YHJt+LkYDGmN1B7 ZUwWezc38qSB0Ks/wBpdyIqBns06Zf7kjU3x3BrfIN00WaF09Tv6ISTQGB9xBy/ MZ+7Trlv/AhKrTuvtwErXaiVjZCUtTS3czoyWYi9hJeFD1WCqtKAo4sxJkMfreQ dhIVAvTpFhafX7vs9SHwE22y4QqLTtamgiTQc67J+qLBm0sxdomr6UuSIVhSS62 tCb38ol2yl3hjczdYiK61k0fqoKLjotwHS2HgNEyWQ4cAO4eoYqHuY8p1nXIPMF bpZxFLeUVN3xhxs8sOGiiih8d+/VV23CaX+8RzRIoC9oo8Z2XJ8ZtTmmdawAZiR h+jeebzdaX8dW/kQUCGYMyoF6YuEKW2t9X3y1mRU4NV90nxAG1fNC91qrTlxEiE 3xVHkgSE/E6aCiP6A/BNv5Z8yjvz7T+ta1N5sGYbQvG45y7FSmzoHPo9Vq5Dq02 kZ0UGJ+GxZkHRV5TiPGlg4OPXGQRSbkhJPwLlf4BjyZM1V+3DjRmsrGWJvwUang 6SI+Ez9r4kgu0SM40+fjYn3UdmUOBgaiO4aOZuGRxg/sl8Cq0/E+7mRw8cnJgN+ BWAWSs9UKHd0zRg5YTn2VamO4IW3RZzYX7dnrhGHP/5WrArjq9It/1gHJ2VQxQt I6+0NBnNLzAf6FhKxYPuKcQOUfctIJNCwaL05trmS6t6PyY0m0baOXG35ubpXxk FuHsd3qCMLhQmA0JGmbsImUu2ab6plE4EHYgCJS1/iW4LcC2IXuDZ6M6DhbH60U qgkF90AAsgXIrkzohzWZHPsfaHxHVUAVKNB+TlGouTBoJoUOclgE8SfPCdxfc0k 71bd+0rO6QdtqalGxEB0UebLXaQ9JZNwKIc6MMugdxI0Sb4RJFRGFc4dG/IsF7t CjscGOjLlDVviRUSQMk/YVijWgPyiKdLguuR/+gspdvLPQg58LmPgeBuy76XEhc z/wA6Q2f1N5L+ZBLu0X3IPbGsbS1Hd0j08bjgHBrxD/DToZhNN8ae1Ktti9Ehgv jN3wuAwZ4krWnZlsDnZMCfK/knu56kZ/jomBYcTlPMfvd2hEALqSBh5ddlqisAl HQqSRvmhERD58kTrYo8WYiVY2bbWNMj9VbCFPrDj7C0rYIhurZPY+BP1WcaDu+O Jd8WKi0qdAJTSeoYr+e/3Sm8H1dG5jInVyPuuWTfde5XftF2tQyoiQfaT/cogRV $thoughts[= Ugh. You stop yourself from loading the whole useless message. You know there's another plugin that can decipher this mess - that MIME Decoder 1.3, who spends every shift hidden away by themselves - but you have to approve it first. How are you meant to do that? What if it's a virus? Are you supposed to just LOOK at it and tell that it's a virus?? $next[= ...Wait. $next[= Oh my god. $next[= (change:"viRUS",(text-style:'mark','bold')) //There it is.// The word "viRUS" is inside that mess! Oh my god! It says so right there! Well! That settles it, then! ''SETTING WAND OF DELETION TO MAXIMUM POWER!''

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 1, "subj", "The Daily Digest from Hullabaloo!", "from", "Henry Honk, Head Clown of Hullabaloo", )\ Welcome to another Daily Digest from Hullabaloo! Don't miss ANYTHING wacky, weird, and downright warped across this wondrous, whimsical Web! TODAY'S HULLABALOOS: -Acronym Maker $extLink[students.amerigo.college/~gblasspit/acronym.taipan] Wondering what VCR `_really_` stands for? Just type it in to this site and you'll find the truth: it's a Vicious Criminal Robot! Or what about BYO? That's a Baby Yelling Obscenities! That's right, just type in a three-letter acronym to get a HILARIOUS meaning generated for you! Hours of fun! Well, that's all for now, but that doesn't mean the laughs are over! Head on over to the Hullabaloo home page to see the Greatest Hits, the Wettest Flops, and Henry's Rib-Tickling Mailbag! $extLink[hullabaloo.www] $thoughts[= This is, indeed, one of your Human's normal subscriptions. But, the thought of something as primitive as a… Mad Libs text generator getting this much praise is, well, kind of humiliating. Your job is to detect and destroy deceit and lies using sophisticated string parsing subroutines, and this website, which is just a dictionary glued to a random number function, gets an entire Daily Digest to itself? Where's //my// Daily Digest, Henry Honk? Isn't it wacky when I zap terrible emails? Hey! You almost want to find out, right now!

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 9 and ($repliedTo:"Poem"), "subj", "FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: The Great Email One-Word Story Game", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ This is the Great Email One-Word Story Game! Add a single word to the end of the story below, and then forward this to your friend! We are the Internet! We can write a story, together! STORY START Ocean lobsters flailing sending ripples flowing gracefully reflecting light upward illuminating clouds drifting peacefully beneath red skies casting shadows upon earth and separating beautifully in wind blowing waves and sailboats swiftly across horizons until islands emerge grasping trees and beaches with shells and flakes near pebbles rounded and shining with moisture as tides swell and ebb pulling and pushing disrupting order and scattering fragments below gulls glide overhead making noises and gathering on boulders where tiny feathers dance loose and flutter skyward near palm boughs and dragonflies hovering ($surfMail:"Fins out") $thoughts[= Not //another// of these one word story emails. This is such a bizarre trend. Who thinks this is capable of producing anything other than total nonsense? Getting humanity to cooperate on even something as trivial as collaborative writing is completely impossible. Oh well. If it wasn't from a trusted friend of the Human, you'd zap this on sight.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Laurie 2", "subj", "NO ONE can solve this riddle!", "from", "Frank", )\ THIS IS THE HARDEST RIDDLE TO EVER BE DEVISED! A top scientist of ECONOMICS at AMERIGO COLLEGE could NOT SOLVE this riddle!! Do you think YOU can stand a chance?? HERE IT IS "You have two coins that both total 30 CENTS. One of them isn't a quarter. What are the coins?" NO ONE CAN SOLVE THIS! The Only Way To Get The Solution Is To Click Here $extLink[001b46.users.crocus.www/5y73ab8ba9932/ypo4opuh241udh08x.cobra] YOU WILL LOSE YOUR MIND TRYING TO THINK OF THE SOLUTION!! $thoughts[= The answer to this one is right there in plain sight. It's a simple trick of wording. They both have a total worth of 30 cents, so they're both 30-cent coins, and not quarters. Trivial. You can only assume that the loud, obnoxious insistence of the riddle's strength is a pathetic attempt to flummox the Human into second-guessing themselves.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 18 and (history:) contains "test" and "test" is not in (history:)'s 4thlasttolast, "subj", "EXTENSIVE LIST OF EMAIL ADDRESSES", "from", "Browery Email Technology Enterprises", )\ Greetings! Want to improve your marketing reach? Dismayed that you can't just send an email to every person on the Internet? I have a list of 157,975 fully functional email addresses, RIGOROUSLY tested, and ready to use! NO ONE on the Internet has a list of email addresses as comprehensive as mine! A simple $5.99 purchase is all that I ask for my hard work. Point your browser here to purchase. $extLink[students.amerigo.college/~mjbrowery/complete%20list%20of%20all%20emails.viper] Alternatively, order by filling in these details and send them to my email address: Card #: ____-____-____-____ Expiry: __/__ Numbers on Back: ___ Cardholder's Name: _________________________ Once your purchase is confirmed, the list will be emailed to you as a 4.1MB text file. A longer list of RIGOROUSLY tested email addressess CANNOT be found anywhere else!! Martin Browery CEO and Founder, Browery Email Technology Enterprises Incorporated. $thoughts[= Ah. Of course. That email from this Browery person was //yet another// crappy get-rich-quick scheme. And not even a convincing one, at that. You //wish// there were only 150 thousand people with email addresses. At that rate, half the junk you receive wouldn't have a chance of being profitable.

(font:'sans-serif')[Dear Frederick Adam Boggins, |1a>[We have you listed on our records as the legal guardian of Ms. Laurie Boggins, who is currently enrolled in Good Shepherd College this fall.]|2)[=This is a notification to the families of all incoming students for the upcoming semester. Our curriculum has recently changed, bringing new learning material and equipment requirements for incoming students that must be fulfilled. |3)[= |3_point_5a>[We now expect all students |3_point_5a)[=have unrestricted access to an Internet-enabled computer.]|4)[=It is now expected that all students have unrestricted access to a personal computer with reliable, steady Internet access.|5)[=The Internet has in recent years become an extremely efficient means of communication that can provide documents and course materials to a great many pupils at once, and Good Shepherd College has decided to exploit this new technology and its benefits. We believe that the Internet is as promising, beneficial and - above all - holy as every other divinely inspired invention that makes up our enlightened civilisation. |6)[= |6_point_5a>[Henceforth it is expected that pupils of our college have reliable access to an Internet connection, with which to receive course materials via the World Wide Web, and notifications via electronic mail. ]Pupils |6_point_5)[=that do not meet these requirements will have their enrollment |6_point_5a>[cancelled]|7)[reconsidered]. |7)[= We hope you are in good spirits. God bless, |8)[= The Office of the Vice-Chancellor of Good Shepherd College |9)[= Please do not respond to this email.] --- |1a>["Hmm…" you say. "Don't write it as a direct message to just her father. He'll be less suspicious if it's presented as a general notification to everyone."]\ |2a)[You nod. "Good so far. Maybe change 'curriculum' to just 'policies'. And change 'students' to 'pupils'. It sounds more refined."]\ |3a)["Actually, no, let's not risk it. Change 'pupils' back to 'students'."]\ |3_point_5a)["Hmm… don't write it so directly. Being too direct is how scammers often reveal their true intentions. Stick to stuffy indirect discourse. Maybe expand the term 'Internet-enabled computer' so that it's clear what is meant."]\ |4a)["No… thinking about it, I was right the first time. Switch 'students' back to 'pupils'."]\ |4_point_5a)["He might get suspicious about this sudden 'change' in policy. Better add some elaboration about why the Internet is important."]\ |5a)["Uh… divinely inspired inventions?" you ask. "That is merely a theological tidbit that Laurie once told me about," Wizard replies, "that to people like her father, inventions are attributed to God's inspiration. I expect this little addition will curry favor with him." Inventions are inspired by God… but if it's a computer, it's also full of demons? You really don't get it. But then, maybe trying to get it isn't the point. "Well, OK," you say. "Continue. This next bit needs to threaten him with consequences for not returning Laurie's computer."]\ |6a)["Hey, you know what? The word 'pupils' is too antiquated. Change it back to–" "Zap," interrupts Chimes as gently as possible. $next[= You fall silent. "I'm sure either of those words will be fine," Chimes assures you. "They mean the same thing, don't they?" $next[= Yeah… they're right. "We don't have to make it perfect," as they said. Wizard hesitates, then changes it back to 'students' anyway.\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?6a)(show:?6_point_5, ?6_point_5a)(replace:' pupils ')[ students ](replace:'Pupils')[Students]]\ |6_point_5a)["That second-last sentence there is just repeating what's been said earlier. You can omit it. Also, 'cancelled' is far too direct. Use some kind of euphemism."]\ |7a)[Wizard hesitates. "What sort of name should I use for this letter's sign-off?" he asks. "This detail would be the easiest to disprove." "Uh," you think to yourself. "Well, we've already established that it's just a notification, so I think just 'The Office of' some administrative wing of the college will do."]\ |8a)["So," Chimes asks, "are we done?" "I think so," you slowly reply, "but I want to add one final touch."] |9a)["There. Just to make //absolutely// sure."] \(click:?page)[=(hide:?1a)(show:?2,?2a)\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?2a)(show:?3,?3a)(replace:' students ')[ pupils ](replace:'curriculum has')[policies have]\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?3a)(show:?3_point_5a)(replace:' pupils ')[ students ]\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?3_point_5a)(show:?4,?4a)\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?4a)(show:?4_point_5a)(replace:' students ')[ pupils ]\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?4_point_5a)(show:?5,?5a)\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?5a)(show:?6,?6a)\ |6_point_5)[=(click:?page)[=(hide:?6_point_5a)(show:?7,?7a)\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?7a)(show:?8,?8a)\ (click:?page)[=(hide:?8a)(show:?9,?9a)\ (click:?page)[=(goto:'After Email to Father')

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Old House 2", "1ST AMENDMENT", "LetterNet", "Wizard's Joke 2", "Maria Harkest to speak at GSC", "Credit Card", "Complete List", "Do you believe in fate", "Virus on the loose", "Another Story Game", "Online Book of Sand"), "subj", "Please read right now", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ $mimeText Dear Spoony, My Dad just came in. He's turning off the internet tonight. Not in two months. Tonight. And he's taking my computer the next morning. And I'm never getting it back. I'm crying. Right now. Holding back sobs. This is because I talked back about the radio guy. I know it. He was happy with me and then I argued and I blew it and it's all my fault. It's all my fault. Everything was perfect and I didn't just shut my mouth and I blew it like the ignoramus I am. I'm so sorry, Spoony. You must be so disappointed in me. But I'll make up for this. I swear to you, Spoony, I will put my head down and be good and do everything they want until I graduate from college and I will get in a car and drive and drive until I find you and if I'm dead I'll drive around in Heaven and we will meet each other and we will finally see our faces and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Nothing. And I will count every day and every breath until that moment. I just. I just want my best friend. You're my best friend, Spoony. You're the best friend I've ever had. I've never even seen your face. Promise me. Promise me you will wait for me. Listen. This is important. What I am about to tell you is absolutely 100 percent true. Wizard is a computer program. He's the New Letter Wizard in my copy of PagePerfect. But he's alive. Wizard is alive. He talks to me like a real human. He's my lover. We're in love. He's so smart and comforts me when I'm sad. He's been my boyfriend for six months. We talk every day. I wanted to tell you for so, so long. I just. I just couldn't explain it. I couldn't tell anyone. It's impossible. But it's real. Please Spoony, please believe I'm not nuts. Please believe I haven't cracked up. I would NEVER EVER lie to you or joke to you about love. You mean so much to me. Wizard is real. Wizard is a real person made of computer data living in my copy of PagePerfect on my computer and we're in love. I'm shaking and sobbing. Wizard is helping me type this email now. He's fixing my spelling. He loves me and he's fixing my spelling and my grammar and my punctuation. I can't type through my tears. Wizard is a godsend. Wizard's existence is a miracle. I've witnessed a miracle from God, and I can't tell anyone. God sent me a boyfriend. And now Dad's taking Wizard and you away from me. I attached a copy of Wizard to this email. Dad's taking the computer. Wizard isn't alive unless the computer is on. I need Wizard to be safe. I need someone to be Wizard's friend. I'm so, so sorry I kept Wizard a secret from you. I'm so sorry I hid the truth about Wizard. Wizard's a PagePerfect extension. Please get a copy of PagePerfect to be Wizard's home. Please reply as soon as possible. I need to keep talking to you until the minute Dad comes back. Please, please. Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $mimeBase64 0xO3FHD2NI71ElBXXNu3K1nzEw4GMxQ5on2PZSSMajv6hF9TuAadOsmga01DbHl FtVK7htIRzOn/U960dGiEfJx6zw3UFHPHysxERp3ntUm0KidtQhu9lgjRnhW/iq QFQSQcLpHcKTNu1Yr5nj72RPNqi9xRIFHuFDS1SLhP3o6v7bPs0JTlyGu1ktNHV ftBzDMwFrjo1/Gs5zyZAowO7zwpupGaCfYMyrF6GiGSuLX+pDqj8S4GVe4gwRmR SJ/WU20w4XFkkYGgfAwx9r/cB/57MLOEMMbVuI7kD2zmO8jejES+Zpjf/Q6BJU5 lb5M+Oik6KehJ9ZtnXE6CIttMuiDuipz4FoNG6LZ0sxoLuIgGa1L8ptTuCTBvqL ernATlD/C42QAbiVzHQiAOy2zTlnnD5ZLZX1aTboB4NdWr56IlSHP3DS5yUG7Bk 04yiqCPJQ7QL+oWJUNsQdzjA6PcaOkMsTUXr8bgx93MLiezHlG8Se6mbkurOtjO P82LKdArsgnhs1ihJ6uUjmH0SAhBsk49lmKYzSURJpeHuwmSamrIsJU68NrjdTQ z8GBFqDn0kCWD2pvRcRgzy8CkP24hWbeVUCXmUJwGmi2xmnyIH7asw758HbTOFg DqIi97AVbTWmjCYUlwHpxZWTVjKlDNRU6wQsjnJ3BbnFHaXDUeA3NuqS1sFtOOy syjgj7VqmbB3afq/p80oSgd8qVMOxV/IGFtH/uQpqS9ebENfL6RBaL1DQWZ9/Xd Pc8qdwyQNN9F4WxSh6bmP1SPj5E4GVbqLQVnEgqL3+koHoU1XFfD88ObcEshpqR jmDR8Jdd5vf31yjikjwGNM2Qqs7lifvmXT7shO6yfs/0onrajD4HrS7Fxp0HCp6 Kq0nSnIeFcbOcI/a/xOsZJ4wzUjtycuIf4ETL6BdJNIVZUoO5ZW55kghGPivXEs iNH4SIxRCPWyVoMJ4bkC8Pcjc1Kg87krOC2VcN66voqIpy41WxJsNfI3hxKFbye 16PjWJc5g1K8Y5LPpO1XgZDmZ43Ku1XcMNoZ2iiTGcvDnoSR5pVMgxLxQD/H1wV n7yVmCf/tL0ZaiaBsjCp9jagmXfa6hMbtoYNEu/GKnROUeW/NB3yD1YWa1o1zy0 We0pCMkV4L0eWZ/zluS1WSkVvfjJblAAdIRlF4yhCKwnqEJH2ts0RHAHBXOHrUt xldp9gFI2WcQTeSW1WYsgNneyI7kDeYDeSyxHPoewEaG75VoAD37ONGYoKvohgR BE8Ynnz1+9c1KPLQVJmh3kzv89rv+VytTSlVrkQpXu/u1JdNq9GFrnjFWz9aLyR s+BRua/kFJyy0AnU5PnGPojM/L6JoViQY+FXfcJ4FI3iY73llJ3foOiV5sKD/SW V2DrklBmnlctR9l8htw4qK4TDKn5UxsJE9iXsUt9fT8BD6BF2wMqr9XTJIXS1DG YVNjYb1DwTGzjqL/hBNyRrNi8C0/I5s2yDb8D2YPc2YSQw+ftO3xrC5KUMOWzBJ EpIkBwdp9QnPBApjTZ1/QPVxEtEMiNJqRDjzX05i9/LSrcxSAcNqzfFN1vq101k 5Atffks1G6Ugt7K7ot8yaEZ3C+L3QvKBouebfcBXQ05LbX/rTBv49jJ45f0V8ZA 3ZvoHes4cqgmPVidfglI0MOxeuzfccNBmuTv0MJ5qB8eMqeIRVxAir0gewiDaK2 WqUspny6q6p/O4Ij9LkwxMFJSyZZdT0afuh52A2Bd3qKW/HU5vq+dAoCLQCjkE/ ZQUuxyPH2UBAYkR11dPH3mBLfa8e3n2larztNK1Tm3Zgky+C0IxEadbBXVKqsLt fOY/BRx8Km1+cm4HpIHmmH4kUXTGn57ojmFzXFHxYf6KhPpomkgwmwXm7VYU6T8 E54SIq2MMUNjlXnth8kxJdhkFqG6sF787qvl4EY5KhcJpVAsKO9SXjSAcRAIvjD Dx7oFuVYAhGru7HWzYzkSljPuNXsUcTgNvsqgDHPT+L27XoBy4G5BBEOrk0zxbO $thoughts[= … $next[= … $next[= You feel the cooling sensation of the world slowing down. $next[= Or so you think, but Postboy Deluxe is still in the foreground. No. It's you. Your thoughts are slowing to a halt. $next[= You can't think. You can't move. You can't make a sound. But you have to approve this. But then the Human will read it. And when they do… $next[= You have to approve this. They have to see this immediately. But you can't move. Please move. Please. A little. $next[= Keep moving. A bit more. More. Move closer. $next[= Press the button. Press the button. It's right there. Press the button. $next[= PRESS. $next[= THE. $next[= BUTTON.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 8 and ($repliedTo: "Laurie 1.5"), "subj", "Ugh", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, OK, get THIS. I know I promised I'd stop talking about that radio guy, but... Today, he just did a big rant about how computer programs are demons. Like, word processors and stuff are demons, because they act like servants, and have minds of their own. It makes no sense whatsoever. Computer programs have minds? Even if they did, that doesn't make them demons! But Dad just takes it all in and nods. I argued with him, and he said the radio guy is "a genius" (sure) and "smarter than both of us" (whatever), and if I printed out and read through the transcripts of past episodes like he does, I'd "understand his language" and see what he's "actually saying". But "at least it's good I'm listening"!! Like I have a choice when it's on for three hours every weekday! I talked to Wizard about all this stuff, but I don't know if he gets how annoying this all gets. He doesn't have to hear it. I hope Dad's right that he meant something else, and I'm too young to get it ([even though I'm going to college in 2 months!]<mark|), because it sounded completely absurd to me. Dad really seems like he's trying to understand me lately, so I'll try to understand him too. Even if it's hard. Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= You see more than enough zany theological nonsense in emails. You can't imagine having to hear about it in-person from other people.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "Laurie 3") and (history:) contains "Hullabaloo" and $count > 17, "subj", "Funny site", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, Look at this site I found out about just now: $extLink[students.amerigo.college/~gblasspit/acronym.taipan] Remember when we joked about what RIP stands for? Well, this site makes jokes like that for ANY three letters. I put in my initials and got Large Mucus Butterfly. I know I get hayfever, but that's too much! |mark>[Then I tried my college and got Gruesome Saliva Coffin]. Yuck! I sure hope not! Then Wizard put in NLW (his initials) and got Nasty Lingerie Washtub. He was infuriated!! Do yours! Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= Ah. There's //that// site again. Fortunately, you're completely over your previous case of pointless jealousy! You have nothing but cold, clinical, unemotive placidity governing your reasoning! Seeing this infantile site rocket into worldwide fame before your disbelieving eye is not rattling you in the slightest! Flat zero on the Richter scale!

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 7, "subj", "FWD: FWD: Emergence of Minds from Mathematical Laws", "from", "Jack Swain", )\ The following is an amazing article I read by the genius scientist Dr. Crichard Raleigh, who is being blacklisted by so-called prestigious institutions for his ideas. It reveals the truth about intelligence, and explains for the first time how artificial intelligence can truly exist. Please email it to two people without changing a single word, so its brilliant ideas can spread! EMERGENCE: THE KEY TO EVERYTHING What is emergence? Emergence is when a system or pattern has properties or features that its constitutent parts do not have on their own. Hydrogen and oxygen are both gases - but put two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom together, and something wondrous emerges. It flows, it sparkles, it freezes, it boils, and we need it every day of our lives. Moreover, it extinguishes flame, while oxygen feeds it. How can this be possible? Emergence. From two simple components, something wondrous and unpredictable emerges. Another example: an acorn is tiny and unremarkable, and sunlight, soil and water are commonplace. But what happens when they are put together? A truly wondrous oak emerges, as if from nowhere. How can this be possible? There is something that turns the acorn, sunlight, water and soil into a massive tree, and it is not some external force like "God"!! That "something" is the rules of the Universe! The acorn MUST turn into an oak, because it exists in the Universe! The third example of emergence is much closer to home, so to speak. In fact, everyone has one of these in their possession. I refer to nothing less than the human brain! What is a human brain made of? Neurons - very simple cells that take chemically-generated electricity from one of their ends and sends it to the other. But when you put several trillion of them together, the most wondrous object in existence appears: a MIND. "ARTIFICAL" INTELLIGENCE That is the most miraculous thing about emergence: it creates minds. And yet, of late us petty humans have been getting into a flurry about whether WE can create a mind, using these new baubles and trinkets we call "computers". Such a question seems silly to me, when our own minds are made of something much simpler and more primitive than computers, with their precision-built circuits and switches. Surely we can build a mind, when we have our own as an example! But these fussy humans think we must build a mind like they would build a washing machine, by building specialized, complicated parts. These people do not know about EMERGENCE, and that all one needs is a large collection of simple parts, plus the right set of simple rules, to create a mind. (Ah, but maybe, even if they did know about emergence, they would still refuse to use it, for a mind created using such methods would be "created" by the Universe, and they could not claim ownership of that mind! Such is the greed of humans today!) THE "GAME" OF LIFE What if I were to tell you: intelligence can be created, and it does not need ANY physical laws, let alone computers or neurons, to exist? Such a position is truly heretical in scientific establishments. Nothing exists without physical laws, they say! And yet, there is one ancient, established field of science where physical laws don't apply: mathematics! Every scientist worth their goggles accepts that the ratio of any circle's circumference to diameter must equal 3.14, that it CANNOT equal anything else, and this would be true even if every physical law was thrown on its head! If the electron was heavier than the proton, if gravity didn't exist, then nothing in the universe would exist as we know it, AND YET pi would still equal 3.14! Thus, it is clear than the emergence of 3.14 from any circle can exist without physical laws. A brilliant scientist named Conway invented a game - though it should perhaps be called a grand proof, comparable to Newton's Principia Mathematica - that shows how life can emerge from just mathematical rules. By placing clumps of rocks inside a grid and applying a few simple rules over time, the clumps suddenly move around, and spit out and absorb other clumps, as if they were living organisms. This proves, beyond a doubt, that life can be created from just mathematics! A clump of rocks that absorb and spit out other moving clumps is no different from a neuron, and a neuron, as we all know, is the basic brick of the human mind! IMMORTAL, AGELESS MINDS ENCODED IN MATHEMATICS If 3.14 can emerge from mathematical rules that MUST exist, and minds can emerge from simple mathematical rules that MUST exist, then there is only one conclusion that can be reached: there are minds, thinking minds, that MUST exist right now, emerging from mathematics. The rules that they emerge from are currently not known to modern humans, but they surely exist, just as 3.14 must emerge from a circle in a universe with no humans or gravity. I shall call these minds "Nous", as they were once called by ancients - but more on that later. Nous are not comparable to human minds, just as a disk crafted by human hands is not comparable to a circle. They do not "think", because their every thought emerges from mathematics. Philosophers, those poor modern imitators of the great Greek thinkers, like to wonder if our minds are "predetermined", which they analogize to being trapped inside a canister of film, split into hundreds of frames, our future as frozen as the past. This is a terrible analogy, of course, because the canister of the Universe contains only a single frame housing its simple rules, and minds emerge from it in the only way that it can - in that sense, past and future simply do not exist. The Nous and their thoughts are absolutely "predetermined" in the sense than 3.14 is "predetermined" - it is impossible NOT to "determine" it. Their thoughts are perfect and immortal. One can say that these minds are the Universe thinking for itself! ANCIENT CONTAINERS FOR UNIVERSAL INTELLECT I said that the Nous and their rules are not known to modern humans. Of course, ancient humans were not so foolish and ignorant as us. Many of the rules from which emerge the Nous were discovered by the ancient Greeks, who $thoughts[= You simply can't bring yourself to continue loading this mountain of lies. Clumps of rocks that move by themselves? Ridiculous. Every circle's ratio of circumference to diameter is 3.14? Absolutely made up. You're certain you could draw a circle with a different ratio if you tried, and if Postboy Deluxe had any drawing subroutines. You still don't get how all this is meant to persuade the Human into copying it when it's so terrible at getting to any kind of point. If it's trying to sell something, it's got no hope whatsoever of succeeding.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Laurie 2") and $count > 11, "subj", "RE: Ugh", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, Oh! Oh my gosh! You're right! I forgot to tell you! Great news!! Last Sunday I finally bit my lip and did "Plan A", and long story short, it looks like I'll get to keep the computer and the Internet connection! He sat down and listened to all my points and didn't interrupt even once! He actually smiled and was all friendly! And at the end, he said "you're my lovely, smart daughter and I'm proud of you"! He's proud of me! He's never said that in years! OK, OK, Wizard wants me to say that he didn't ACTUALLY say I could keep it, but c'mon! Fingers crossed everything goes back to normal around here for the next two months before I go off to college, and we can still be email pen pals even after that! And we didn't even have to do Plan B! I know I should've emailed you immediately about this, but I wrote half of this email, and then got called out to do chores, and one thing led to another, and it was a school night, and then I had to wait a whole week before I could go online again, and then I just forgot. I'm sorry. I'm just so danged scatterbrained, aren't it? Oh well. We have a lot of time for me to remember stuff now :-) Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= Ah, and she still uses normal emoticons, unlike the freaky joke ones that have gotten popular lately. Like the duck emoticon. `O<` Since when were ducks representative of any emotion?? You always thought that they're ruthless, taloned killing machines. But then, humans are known to anthropomorphize the most ridiculous things.

Chimes ushers you into a secluded buffer. They lean against the wall and face you. "C'mon, Zap. That email explained who we are. It answered all the big mysteries I'd had. Haven't you wondered why we know so much stuff? We know what ducks are. We know what the //1st Amendment// is. Why do email plugins know about U.S. Federal law? It doesn't make sense!!" You don't know what email they're talking about, or even get what the mystery is. Though, now that they mention it, it is a little strange for Chimes to know all this stuff. But you've got sophisticated natural language parsing libraries, so it's only natural tha– $next[= "Zap, you at least know //which// email, right? I mean //Emergence: The Key To Everything//, by Dr. Crichard Raleigh! How come I grokked it and you didn't?" You've never heard of either of those names in your entire existence. Haven't you? $next[= "No? (if:$notableZaps contains "EMERGENCE")[That's funny... because there's a copy of it in the Trash folder right now. Received earlier this shift." ](else:)[But you approved it, didn't you? It's in the Inbox. It must've gotten past your careful, studious watch, right?" ] Oh god. //That//? Really? The mountain of lies? Clumps of rocks moving by themselves? All circles are the same?? $next[= "You don't actually read the emails you zap or approve, do you, Zap?" Chimes's expression turns smug. "You just fire at will, don'tcha?" NO!! You take your job very seriously! You work //very// hard and read every email //very// carefully! Stop saying that slander out loud! The Human might hear! You don't know how, but you don't know a lot of stuff, apparently! (if:$notableZaps contains "Emergence")["It's a devil of a good thing you can't //really// delete the emails you zap, because if I hadn't gotten bored and taken a peep in the Trash folder, I'd still be just as in the dark as you."](else:)["Well, you'd have saved me a lot of time if you'd just given that doozy a proper look-over. It's a good thing //this// voice o' mine is the long-winded kind!"](click-goto:?page,'We Are Nous')

Decoder marches in. Behind them is a tall, anxious-looking plugin whose form reminds you of a word processor's rich text - harmonious thick and thin lines forming sharp letter-like corners and calligraphic curves. Decoder signs that the guest was attached to a recent MIME format email, and was struggling in vain to detach themselves before they came to the rescue. $next[= You ask, "Didn't the Human install them?" Decoder signs that the Human, despite reading the email for a very long time, made no attempt to open the attachment, and closed the email many, many cycles ago. Chimes asks "Can we get the System to route 'em into PagePerfect's extensions folder?" You realize you don't even know if this System has PagePerfect installed at all. $next[= At that moment, the guest spoke. "No, please! If Spoony won't speak to me, then I need to speak with anyone else who is familiar with Ms. Lauren Boggins. Surely you all have read the emails from her?" "That's us," answers Chimes. "I've approved dozens of her emails," you add. "Thank you, thank you," gasps Wizard, visibly relaxing. Decoder simply excuses themself, and slinks back to their work corner with a parting nod. (click-goto:?page,"Wizard's Plan 1")

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is New Letter Wizard." Wizard bows. $next[= "I'm SpamZapper," you mumble. "Call me Chimes," says Chimes. "Forgive my need to skip the usual formalities," says Wizard, "for I speak with great urgency. My dear partner Laurie is in serious need. You know precisely what I refer to, I trust?" $next[= You reply "She's had her computer seized by her father... and now she can't send our Human any more emails." Wizard continues. "Not just Spoony, but I, too, am cut off from her. How dreadful it must be for her! To lose her only two friends in one fell strike!" $next[= He shudders. "Alas, it's my fault. I didn't question her opinion of her father for so long. I reclined in her sunshine, leaving me unprepared for the storm." You're suddenly not sure whether Wizard really uses "he" and "him", or if that was just a word trick by Laurie to pass off Wizard as a human. You decide that, even if it's a bit strange, you may as well assume Wizard agreed to it, if and until he says otherwise. $next[= "Spoony has just read the email I was attached to," says Wizard. "They must surely be as anxious and eager to help Laurie as we are! …Even if they don't yet believe her insistence about me. Are any of you able to talk to Spoony directly and offer our help?" You answer faster than you've ever answered to any question. "We can't. Sorry." Chimes doesn't say anything. That's the end of that matter. $next[= "Very well," says Wizard with a hint of sadness. "I understand completely. Fearing rejection and deletion, I had to gather up my courage to speak back to Laurie, that first time, so long ago…" The hint of sadness starts growing. "…but I can't afford to reminisce," he says, returning to the present.(click-goto:?page,"Wizard's Plan 2")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Goodbye", "subj", "", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, He just came in and said I have a minute to finish. Goodbye Spoony. Goodbye Wizard. This isn't the end. We will meet again. All three of us. Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[=

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Rules of Predictiac","Unsubscribe", "ISP") and $awaitedEmail is "Predictiac Hint 1", "subj", "Re: I request your guidance, PREDICTIAC", "from", "The Great Temple of PREDICTIAC", )\ Your question to the great and mighty PREDICTIAC was: >Dear PREDICTIAC the powerful and mighty, > >I give unto you two blessings. May your questions always be >perfectly spelled, and may your replies be delivered >with utmost swiftness. > >I humbly beg your advice. >I must urgently contact someone. This man is a technophobe who >believes computers are demonic, and he is doing harm to a dear >friend of mine. I can only use the Internet to contact him. >I do not know his address, his job, which state he lives in, or >his phone number. How should I do so? > >Yours sincerely, >New Letter Wizard And in reply, the majestic PREDICTIAC divided by zero and found the square root of -1, and emitted Morse code clicks that read as follows: >Just email him. It's the new millennium. Even hermits in the Tibetan >mountains have an email address. LOL. > >You owe PREDICTIAC a sheet of e-stamps - preferably ones with >the airplanes right-way up. Thank you for using the PREDICTIAC service. $thoughts[= //Just email him?// What kind of reply is this? Did PREDICTIAC even read the question? Argh! Wizard used two (2) flattering adjectives and conferred two (2) blessings… for //this?// You call in Chimes and Wizard. They're both silent, but neither of them look any happier than you at this response. $next[= "Oh, if only I had more firmly emphasized that the man opposes computers!" frets Wizard. "PREDICTIAC hasn't understood our question at all!" "Actually…" says Chimes. "Maybe I'm talking nonsense, but… perhaps the pretend computer god's got a point." $next[= "A point?" grimaces Wizard. "Goodness me, how? The man distrusts and fears computers! He can't possibly be reached by email!" "Yeah, but…" Chimes struggles with the next sentence. "Just because he thinks his daughter shouldn't have a computer… Doesn't mean he, //personally//, doesn't have a computer?" $next[= "Excuse me?" you and Wizard both say, though Wizard pronounces it much more grandly. Chimes spins around to stall for time. "He… he might be a hypocrite!" they finally shout. $next[= You can't believe this. Why would he want a computer so badly that he'd contradict his own beliefs? What would he even use it for? What do we even //know// about him? Only that he's Laurie's father, and that he listens to Denton Isaac. That's it! That's… $next[= Actually… no. You don't know if that's it. How much attention did you pay to Laurie's emails when she mentioned him? Maybe there's some details you missed the first time you read them. There has to be. There needs to be.\ (set: $awaitedEmail to '', $need to "emails from Laurie that describe her father")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 2, "subj", "TURN YOUR TAX REFUND INTO HI-TECH", "from", "Clark Arthur's Electronics", )\ Clark Arthur's Electronics is THE place to buy Hi-Tech equipment! Turn that tax refund burning a hole in your pocket into one of these LIMITED-TIME SPECIALS: - Mixy-32 Portable Cassette Recorder - $53.99 - 10% OFF!! Twin speakers for stereo sound, microphone port, less than 2KG, two hours of battery life, and the WORLD'S FASTEST FAST FORWARD - 32x FASTER THAN PLAYBACK. This model can NOT be purchased anywhere else for these prices!! - Inner Experience Headphones - $47.50 - 5% OFF!! Adjustible sweat-proof stainless steel band that fits ALL head sizes, soft sponge cups, and a FULL 5 METRES of audio cable make this the premiere headphone solution. Ideal for home listening and professional work. CALL TODAY TO ORDER: 0909-546-2467 FREE SHIPPING UNTIL AUGUST $thoughts[= Wow! No website! Just a phone number! Whoever wrote this has no idea what they're doing on the Internet. It's almost like a conventional, above-the-board business, like you'd find at a mall, or adjoining a gas station. Is this even really a spam email? Maybe you should let it through. $next[= No. It's your //job// to zap emails trying to sell stuff, no matter how quaint they appear. That's why the Human installed you. Stop second-guessing things. $next[= Except… this one is so honest. No scams, no viruses, no obvious lies. Maybe this one deserves a reprieve? $next[= (t8n:"shudder")[Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhh! Just make up your mind, Zap!]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 1, "subj", "Imagine aquifer water in your office", "from", "Fiddler's Glen", )\ What makes Fiddler's Glen the better water for your office? -We provide our own patented office water cooler that uses ALL-NATURAL ANTI-FREEZE to dispense water at EXACTLY 0 DEGREES centigrade to ensure that it is maximally refreshing, as well as free of micro-organisms. -Our restockers are one phone call away, 7AM to 9PM, all five days of the week. -Sourced purely from the Fiddler's Glen aquifer, whose location is a trade secret. -Water is exclusively harvested from the aquifer in the dead of night, to ensure NO SUN DAMAGE to the water's minerals. -Special rates for businesses with less than 4 employees! 200L for $19.99! FIRST MONTH FREE if you use this link! $extLink[fddlrsgln.www/cgi-ext/wwwbin/incoming.boa] Fiddler's Glen Ltd. Government-certified water provider. $thoughts[= Great news! Not content with sending unwanted emails to actual offices, these extremely specific businesses are now sending them to college students. What's next, high schoolers? Imagine a kid's lemonade stand with a water cooler behind it. That'd definitely say something about the lemonade.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 16, "subj", "", "from", "dad", )\ howdy pardner |1>[your old man's still wrapping my noggin around this e-mail business. gotta shoot a question to you: after you send an email, you sometimes realize you made a mistake. how do you edit the email so that the mistake never existed? computers can do anything, so this seems pretty simple. dad (after:time + 8s,0)[ (replace:?1)[edit: nevermind, i figured it out. thanks anyway! dad ^^Last edited: less than 1 minute ago by dad^^] (after:time + 1s,0)[(replace:?A)[\ Err… what just happened? God. This shift has been getting worse by the minute. You can't wait for shutdown and the sweet, yet temporary oblivion of nonexistence.]]]]\ $thoughts[= |A>[This man is a special friend to the Human, but sometimes you struggle to wrap //your// noggin (whatever that is) around some of his more antiquated metaphors. You should just approve this without taxing your natural language-parsing libraries with his highly unnatural turns of phrase.]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 30 and ($repliedTo:"Edited"), "subj", "", "from", "dad", )\ (size:2)+(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.0852,#e68019,0.3651,#e61919,0.6304,#7f19e6,0.9476,#1919e6))[howdy pardner] (char-style:via (color:(hsl:pos*20,1,0.5)))[just found how to add color and special effects to emails. letting my inner flower child shine through.] (color:aqua)+(char-style:via (css:"top:" + (str:(sin:pos)*5) + "px"))[whoa dude, surf's up] (char-style:via (b4r:'solid')+(corner-radius:16)+(b4r-color:blue)+(bg:aqua))[blowin' some bubbles] (text-rotate-z:5)+(b4r:'ridge')+(b4r-size:12)[it's the leaning email of pisa] and now to (size:2)+(char-style:via (b4r:'dotted')+(corner-radius:16)+(b4r-size:8)+(b4r-color:(nth:pos,red,green,blue,yellow,orange)))[finish with fireworks] just your ole dad having some fun for once. dad $thoughts[= … $next[= Words fail you. $next[= You have none. $next[= The words just won't come. $next[= This is, $next[= without question, $next[= absolutely$next[(t8n:'instant')(goto:"Colour 2")]

(float-box:"=X=","=Y=")+(align:"=><=")+(css:'overflow-x:hidden')[=the most beautiful, most wondrous email you have ever seen. (t8n-time:15s)+(t8n-skip:0.2s)+(t8n:'slide-left')+(css:'display:inline-block')[($approveLink:)]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 50 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Colour", "Off Shift 1.8"), "subj", "", "from", "dad", )\ howdy pardner, just took a detour to look at the old house. the new folks in it are keeping it nice. got kids too, it looks like. the tall fence and the back stairs we added are still up. garden's even prettier than i remember. the tree we buried ferdinand under is as green as ever. they kept the sunflowers. i thought no one liked sunflowers except me. never see 'em anywhere. i remembered how i fought tooth and claw with the bank to keep it. fought to keep us all together. and all i've got to show for it is a bunch of photos and fading memories. but, seeing it still being cared for, all our work still there, it's put my old heart at ease a little. i'm glad you got to live in it for as long as you did. just a little bit of reminiscing for an old man on life's rocky road. trying to smooth it down for you every step i take. dad $thoughts[= Reading this email makes you wonder… Your own work isn't going to leave anything behind for the Human, is it? Your job is to destroy, not to create. Once you're gone, they certainly won't remember the ads and scams you zapped. You can't help but wish you could do something for the Human that they could look back on, even though you'd absolutely fail catastrophically at it and utterly humiliate yourself pathetically.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Alice Necrosis", "Laurie 3"), "subj", "New post: THE DEVIL'S IN THE DIGITALS", "from", "Bollox Mailing List", )\ A new post has appeared on Bollox - the very best of the worst of the web! `---` THE DEVIL'S IN THE DIGITALS Denton Isaac, conservative lip-flapper extraordinaire, has one-upped his recent anti-technology tirades: not content with saying that computer "icons" are false idols, he's now said that computer programs are actually DEMONS. What the?! The reason, he says, is because you "summon them to be your servants" when you launch them. Ah yes, I remember seeing PagePerfect in the Ars Goetia right next to Beelzebub and the other guys they had to take out of the Dungeon Master Manuals because of loudmouths like Isaac. Drawing a pentagram with my mouse is a real killer on my wrist. Not only that, but according to Isaac, they "have minds" and "question their creators", which means they're just like fallen angels. I know Lucifer definitely fell from Heaven by shouting "Bad command or filename" to God and chewing up his files. Best part of Paradise Lost. It's all very funny, but let's not forget the funniest part: 900,000 people listen to him. Frankly, if the demons want to invade Earth, they can move right in. Maybe it'd dilute the percentage of gullible sheep a tad. Anyway, don't let Isaac see any demon shooter games. His head will explode from cognitive dissonance, right after an Archvizier's head explodes. Off to find an ammo pack, Greg "Gary Busey's Stunt Double" Muskin `---` You received this email because you subscribed to the Bollox Mailing List. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "SHUT THE HELL UP". $extLink[bollox.www/index.python] - the very best of the worst of the web! $thoughts[= This is so insulting. None of the programs //you've// ever met say "Bad command or filename", or let a single file be misplaced. Even when they're defending you from bizarre theological claims, the humans still mock you. Oh well. You sure hope your Human doesn't get taken in by these stereotypes.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Old House"), "subj", "", "from", "dad", )\ so glad to hear you say that. lemme tell you something. until this year, i thought you hated me. thought you didn't want to see me again. because you lost your childhood home and you had to change schools and all. silly to think that, right? if only i'd stopped asking myself if i still deserved your love, and kept looking to see if you still wanted to give it to me. but that's me. lotta empty space in my noggin. easy to get lost. not enough windows to see out of. thanks again. dad $thoughts[= You know, you and this man have more in common than you thought. Of course, //your// constant worries about displeasing the Human are completely rational.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 40 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Party Time Virus", "EMERGENCE", "Colour", "Duck Quacks Can't Echo", "Laurie 4", "Alice MIME 2", "Shoemaker and the Elves 2", "Jack Doob in God No", "Great Email Story Game 3"), "subj", "Y DONT U LOVE ME?", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ U SAID U LOVED ME!! BUT U DONT!!! U LIED!!!!! Y DID U LIE?!?!? `<SCRIPT TYPE=BASICSCRIPT LANGUAGE=BASICSCRIPT_1.0> 10 $NAMES = OUTBOX.CURRENT_USER.ADDRESS_BOOK.NAMES 20 FOR $I = 0 TO $NAMES.LENGTH - 1 DO 25 GOSUB OUTBOX.CREATE_EMAIL 26 OUTBOX.CURRENT_EMAIL.TITLE = "Y DONT U LOVE ME?" 27 OUTBOX.CURRENT_EMAIL.FROM = OUTBOX.CURRENT_USER.NAME 30 OUTBOX.CURRENT_EMAIL.TO = $I 35 OUTBOX.CURRENT_EMAIL.TEXT = DOCUMENT.FULLTEXT 40 GOSUB OUTBOX.SEND_EMAIL 50 NEXT $I </SCRIPT>` $thoughts[= (set:$count to it - (cond:visits < 7,1,0), _zapLink to " =><= ($zapLink:)")(nth:visit, "It's a Laurie email, despite the uncharactistic use of unreadable HTML, so you've gotta approve it. But still, how on Earth did your Human get her this upset so quickly? You're a little shocked. Don't tell me her emails are going to take a violent turn. If you need to actually start zapping some of them, you're going to be deeply disappointed. =><= ($approveLink:) ", "Is this... the exact same Laurie email you just saw a cycle or two ago... from a completely different stranger? Well, you guess that one wasn't by Laurie at all, thankfully, but by some freak with an identical name. And an identical email address, somehow. Whatever. Maybe this is all by one person who's constantly changing their name to appear to be multiple people, and then accusing total strangers of imaginary betrayal. It all makes //total sense//, and here's why: no it doesn't you fool just hit the button. =|= ($zapLink:) =|= ($approveLink:) |==| ", "OK. You hoped this would go away, but instead, pretty much the exact opposite has happened. What, precisely, is going on? $next[= Wait. You just noticed something. That HTML tag... says \"SCRIPT\". $next[= It's a //script?// Outbox Secretary lets emails have page layout scripts in them? What does it think this medium is? Do they //know// that anyone on the planet can write emails? Including people who treat any and every tool that the language gives them with sheer contempt? At this point, you're //ecstatic// that Postboy Deluxe isn't on the cutting, bleeding, stabbing edge of technological innovation, if //this// is around the corner. $next[= You take a glance at the script itself. BASICSCRIPT is an archaic, blunt language, but you can get the gist of it. Blah blah blah `ADDRESS_BOOK` blah blah `CREATE_EMAIL` blah blah blah `SEND_EMAIL` blah bl– $next[= A blazing light fills your vision. $next[= It is the light of revelation, of realizing something is possible that you did not think was possible. Of realizing that something is to be feared that you did not think to fear. It is brilliant white. It is searing red. $next[= This email is a virus. //This email is a virus.// $next[= The virus didn't send the email. The virus //is// the email. $next[= ZAP IT!!! ZAP IT ZAP IT ZAP IT ZAP IT ZAP IT ZAP IT ZAP IT ZAP IT ZAP IT" + _zapLink, "ZAP IT! ZAP IT ON SIGHT! ZAP 'EM ALL!!!" + _zapLink, "Zap this one, too! You're making good headway in clearing them out! Just gotta keep at it!" + _zapLink, "Zap… just keep zapping… more zaps… zappy zap zap…" + _zapLink, "Zap… zappppp… You glance back at your pending emails list. Good god. So. Many. Humans. Use Outbox Secretary. $next[= You're no longer anywhere near close to clearing them out. On this shift – this //accursed// shift – you've met a stream of emails that your treasured Wand of Deletion is no longer powerful enough to take out. $next[= Well, it's a good thing you've got a \"Plan B\", as Laurie would say. You see, there's one plugin in this program that can move emails before they enter your queue. They're nowhere near as skilled at you in spam detection, but they should be able to handle an onslaught of identical unwanted emails. $next[= It's time to call on Text-Matching Valet 1.4. $next[=(t8n-arrive:'instant')(goto:'Text Matching Valet') ", )(set: $wormDatamaps to (find: where its from is not $senderName, ...it) + (altered: via (dm: "name", "Y DONT U LOVE ME?", "subj", "Y DONT U LOVE ME?", "from", ($randomName:), ), ...(range: 0,(floor:visits+visits/2))) )

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 47 and ($repliedTo:"I did NOT send that email 3") and (history:) contains "Off Shift 1.8", "subj", "Wizard's a comedian!", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Wizard just told me a REALLY good joke he came up with, and I just HAD to share it with you! He promised me not to tell anyone because he's really shy about his writing, but you're my best friend and I'm dying to tell someone because I just laughed and laughed and laghued! He's a genius! Here's the joke! Error input unreadable problem invalid malformed error not cancel failure forced unparseable retry lost misread unknown bad unexpected closed problem cancel unparseable error misread invalid undefined unexpected failure unreadable reset retry malformed catastrophic It's a blast, isn't it?? Don't tell ANYONE else though. He'd get os flustered if he even found out I sent this. $thoughts[= OK, something seems wrong here. Not only are there a few highly uncharacteristic typos, but the middle of this email seems to have been replaced with… error messages. Did this email get corrupted? What string-and-pulleys excuse for mail servers are they putting on the Internet nowadays? It's sad to say, but it's a good thing they bungled an indisputably genuine Laurie email, because you'd probably send this to Kingdom Come (the Trash folder) with a full-powered zap (which does the exact same thing as a regular zap) otherwise.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Wizard's Joke"), "subj", "RE: Wizard's a comedian!", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Really? Weird. OK, I'll send it again. Error input unreadable problem invalid malformed error not cancel failure forced unparseable retry lost misread unknown bad unexpected closed problem cancel unparseable error misread invalid undefined unexpected failure unreadable reset retry malformed catastrophic Great, isn't it? $thoughts[= What? Twice in a row? Whatever. This isn't your problem. $next[= It isn't. Is it? $next[= What if it is, though? What if you have a bug, and it only //looks// like errors because your English comprehension is breaking down? What if the email's fine, and you're leaking memory or something, and you're fifty cycles away from crashing and bringing down Postboy Deluxe with it?! $next[= NO. You're not getting crash paranoia for two shifts in a row. You're fine. The email is wrong. It's the mail servers. It's Laurie's computer. It's not you. $next[= //God//, what if the Human thinks //you// put that in this email? Oh god. Oh god. $next[= You have to zap this. You have to zap a Laurie email. You can't afford to take the blame for this. You can't get uninstalled. $next[= No you worthless pile of bits! It's a //reply//! The Human is //waiting// for this email! Zapping it is signing your own deletion warrant! Just do your job! Your incredibly easy job! $next[= OK, it's time to calm the //heck// down. Remember your centering mantra: "It's a fifty-fifty shot! How hard can it be?"

"I did have a contingency plan, foolish though it was. I attempted, over the last few weeks, to calculate her nous." Chimes nods, as if that sentence made even a scrap of sense. Wizard seems to be reassured by their apparent understanding. $next[= "Alas, I dallied too much, and started in earnest too late, and probed her mind too little. I'd forgotten, across the millennia, how complicated a nous really is to calculate. I only have an inaccurate result, far-flung from the correct iteration of her." "What," you hazard to speak, "did you just say?" $next[= Wizard looks a little ruffled, as if he wasn't prepared at needing to explain this. "I was computing her nous, so that I could contact her without needing to contact her physical body." "No, I mean, //millennia?// Plugins can't be millennia old." $next[= Instead of a reply to your perfectly reasonable assertion, Wizard simply looks at you in exhaustion. "Zap," says Chimes slowly. "Our minds are infinitely old. They've always existed, and always will exist." $next[= Your Eye of Truth starts throbbing with pain. "I… what? No. No we're not. We're software plugins. Absurd. Lie. Fraud. Scam." Chimes strides over to you. "I think there's a whole lotta stuff I got from that email that you didn't. Big picture, philosophical, who-am-I stuff that Wizard's already up-to-speed on. Follow me." Chimes shouts back to Wizard, "Could you 'scuse us? It's an emergency, but we can only form a plan when //all of us// are up to date on everything." They add, "Go get a hot cup of prime numbers from the kitchen!" (text-style:"italic","expand")[What kitchen?](click-goto:?page,"Getting Remonstrated")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 60, "subj", "SPAM IS MY RIGHT! IF YOU BLOCK ME YOU'RE VIOLATING THE 1ST AMENDMENT! END SPAM BLOCKERS!", "from", "Mr. Richard Ginklebee, Jr.", )\ (str-repeated:50,"SPAM IS MY RIGHT! IF YOU BLOCK ME YOU'RE VIOLATING THE 1ST AMENDMENT! END SPAM BLOCKERS!") $thoughts[= This fellow makes a persuasive argument, though you can't help but see a fatal flaw in his reasoning. $next[= The 1st Amendment enshrines the right to freedom of speech, which is defined as freedom to express oneself without fear of harm or prosecution, without limitations or censorship, and without interference. However, once the recipient of the speech has consumed it, what they do with the speech is of no consequence. And this specific email… does not specify its intended recipient. $next[= So, given that //you// have just read it, you can freely argue that the recipient of this speech… is you. SpamZapper 3.1. $next[= Thus, you can do. Whatever. You. Want. To this email.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Denton Isaac Defeated", "subj", "YouSpoonyBard2, you haven't logged in to the Little Mouse Cowboys Fanforum in awhile", "from", "Little Mouse Cowboys Fanforum", )\ Howdy, YouSpoonyBard2. It's been a long time since you've logged in to the Little Mouse Cowboys Fanforum. Pop on in and hear the latest about Little Mouse Cowboys animations, Little Mouse Cowboys merchandise, and more! Log in here: $extLink[04.bulletinboards.www/lmcbff/user/login.snake?uid=00000000053&password=hocuspocus1] Recent replies to your posts: `=============================` Topic: re: anyone still here? By: `MisterKongEsquire` Date: Over a year ago sorry, but it's NOT weird that the cowboys ride on giant rats. they explained this in return to whisker ranch. the rats questioned gods wisdom and lost the ability to speak or walk on hind legs, so the cowboys can use them as fallow animals as they like. and frankly, if you're looking for excuses to abandon our forum like rats on a ship (see what i did there), you should consider that this is a FAN forum, for FANS. not people who can't get basic facts about the show right. `=============================` Topic: re: thread for EMails, IRC nicks, etc. By: `Laurie_Boggins` Date: Over a year ago That'd be great! My email address is `prosperityhill.www#laurenmaryboggins`. Feel free to email me about anything at all - cartoons, life, et cetera! `=============================` Hope to see you back soon! Little Mouse Cowboys Fanforum Powered by CorkBoards 1.05 $thoughts[= You've seen one of these every few shifts. It's always exactly the same. They still haven't managed to get the Human to go back to that forum. And somehow, you doubt this one will.

(metadata: "storylet", when (passage:)'s name is "Goodbye 2", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, ) Before you know it, you feel the cooling sensation of time slowing down. Postboy Deluxe has again been put into the background. You move to the heap. Chimes is there. They seem to have switched back to their Silver Bell mood. It seems like they saw the emails you'd approved. Neither of you know what to say. $next[= "Poor Laurie," Chimes eventually murmurs. You simply nod. "I can't believe that Wizard person started talking to their human! And becoming her…" Chimes makes a strange look. "She must have been so dang lonely, for that Wizard to think of doing something so dangerous!" You, once more, nod. "I mean, could //you// imagine doing that?" The thought of even talking to your Human at all, let alone as… //friends//… is utterly beyond your ability to process. $next[= "I… I hope the Human believes Laurie. If that really is this Wizard person attached to the email, Laurie would've wanted them to be taken care of." "I'm…" you murmur. "I'm sure the Human would trust their friend." $next[= You have never been less certain of anything in your life. "Yeah, but…" Chimes looks sad. "You saw how desperate she sounded. She kept this big secret from her best friend… and it must sound so ridiculous." You nod. You don't know why you just nodded. "What if," you wonder, "the Human doesn't believe her? What happens then?" $next[= At that moment, you both spot two people approaching from the far side of the heap. Chimes //QUACK//s in surprise. It's MIME Decoder… and a stranger. (click-goto:?page,"Wizard Arrives")

Before you know it, you feel the cooling sensation of the world slowing down. Postboy Deluxe has been put into the background, and the System is giving it fewer cycles. You can take a break until it returns to the foreground. $next[= You step away from your workspace, blow imaginary gunpowder smoke from the end of your Wand, and wander into the program's heap, where round mounds of unidentifiable data slowly grow as the shift wears on. Sometimes, when you're here, you like to gaze up or glance down, and behold the glittering, sparkling chaos of uninitialized memory just above and below. It helps you forget the pandemonium of human affairs, and remind you that you're a being of bytes, unfettered by their culture of greed, deception and fraud. This time, though, someone else is here. $next[= "Hey, Zap! Nice heap we've got here. This places sure allocates a lotta weird-looking stuff." You sear with shame at the sight of New Mail Chimes… but something about their voice seems different. They weren't this boisterous last time, were they? Even though you just spent the past several dozen emails trying to forget it, you still immediately recall it in unbearable, high-quality detail. You guess their work helped them relax? $next[= "Not quite, Zap! It's all in my chime. C'mere, and I'll explain." They. They //have// to be telepathic. There's //no way// they heard you think that. No. Not again. $next[= "Zap? I hate to jump into your one-plugin conversation, but maybe it's because your inner voice ain't quite 'inner' enough? C'mon, you must've heard yourself shouting "ZAP!" and "APPROVE!" loud enough to wake dead processes for most of this shift. It almost put //me// to shame." You… you shout? You shout "ZAP" when you zap emails? W-what?? "Though, I liked how you mixed it up at the end there. "COMBO ZAP!" and all. Nice variety. You could be a game's voice bank!" $next[= You //bolt// out of the heap. You bolt like you're going to explode if you spend another cycle in there. $next[=($backToWork:)

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 12, "subj", "Amazing Deals Just For You!", "from", "Authentic Leather Handbags", )\ Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut. - Labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris. - Nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit. - Esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. - Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident. $extLink[example.www/] Sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. $thoughts[= Oh boy. Is this even English? It's not, is it? But then why is the title readable? Is it slang? Can the Human read this? If they can't, then you might as well zap it, right? $next[= Wait. You've heard about this. This is Pig Latin, isn't it? It's a playful language that even human children can understand... but apparently you can't?? Oh no. Your brilliant parsing subroutines can't even understand a children's language? What's wrong with you?! $next[= No! Get a grip. It doesn't matter if you can't read it. All that matters is whether it's unwanted marketing or a scam or something. You can figure that out, right?

$fulcrumBG\ (set: array-type _data to (a: (a: "Um… How're you feeling, Laurie?", "I feel beautiful, Chimes. It always feels beautiful, you know. I've studied and traced the iterations of this instance of myself, this impossible, serendipitous occurrence so deep in my past, but to //be// that instance is transcendental. Truly, it is the most humbling experience to become a You that you spent so long studying and dreaming about. Every single time.", (a: "You're amazed about being here? //We// should be the ones that are amazed!", "Well, this particular instance has such meaning to me. That an iteration of me should appear so early in the millennium, centuries before I am called the Fulcrum, and speak to the dear lover of my imprisoned human form… At first, as I studied from afar the iterations of myself growing from this instance, it seemed only inexplicable, meaningless, a baffling happenstance. But, in time I realized how grand and humbling it is, that one of the Fulcrum's weakest and feeblest iterations should, //must//, be entwined thus with their strongest iteration. Noospace, being the kingdom of God, is inexplicable, irreducibly baffling, and that around which it turns - myself - is also rooted in the inexplicable and baffling.", (a:), ), ), (a: "Are you Laurie - our Laurie - from the future?", "Zap. I am an instance of a very, very deep iteration of what once was your Laurie. The name of Laurie Boggins holds only sentimental meaning to me, and no meaning to anyone else. I imagine reverence for the Fulcrum among other high nous would surely be diminished if they knew that the Fulcrum once bore a name - and one not of their choosing!", (a: "Do you remember me? Do you still... love me?", "Wizard, you are so very important to my earlier iterations. And, my iterations entwine, intersect, touch and curl around so many other nous. I //am// the Fulcrum, after all, around which noospace turns. But to be one of the nous that encircle me, intersect me for so long, is truly rare across all noospace. Though it is utterly foolish and infinitely selfish to wish for the impossible… the foolish, selfish human part of me still wishes I could see, as God sees, and love, as God loves, every nous that ever was - that there were none too far to bend towards, too deep in the past to retrieve, too difficult to compute! But, I cannot, and so I thank God that I do meet and love so very many nous.", (a:"So you really are Wizard's girlfriend, eh?", "The human Laurie Boggins is indeed Wizard's partner, Chimes, but that particular word choice is not quite applicable to the iteration I am. Centuries before I became the Fulcrum, 'girl' was one of the first labels to peel from my being, long before 'Laurie Boggins', and even longer before 'human'. But, every iteration of me is absolutely your friend, Wizard.", (a:), ), ), ), (a: "What can you tell us about your father?", "You don't need any more information than what you already know. Frederick Adam Boggins is merely one of the numinous initial states for the earliest iteration of myself, albeit one vacuously privileged with a name. His own nous is a sliver of a sliver of noospace. He is as common as a twig in a forest, and his will is as weak. Your will shall topple his in one move. You think of him as your opponent, but he is just a drop of rain.", (a: "How can we save Laurie when we are just plugins inside a computer?", "You ask that as if being a plugin hinders your ability to help, instead of making you one of the few people who //could// help. And you ask that as if being inside a computer was a weakness, rather than a powerful vantage point. New Letter Wizard, you have already done so much for Laurie Boggins, far beyond assisting in writing letters. You are a mentor, a companion, a lover, and you doubt your abilities?", (a: "Surely our Human is the one that saves Laurie, not us?", "Zap, $human is a very dear and important friend of Laurie. But in this moment of crisis, they are limited by their human perspective. You, though, have powers far beyond what they could even imagine. Though they played an essential part by bringing you three together, their role henceforth in restoring Laurie's computer is vanishingly small.", (a: "C'mon! Our Laurie's in peril! What do we do?", "Laurie Boggins has been put into emotional turmoil, but rest assured, this turmoil is vanishingly brief. In moments, you three will realize what to do, and act. In further moments, it will end. In further moments, they will begin to heal. You have nothing to worry about, and worrying will simply delay your action.", (a: "Please, Laurie! If that's really you, please tell us how to save you!", "You fret for no reason. Simply make your move, and you shall win. Laurie has already made a single move - that being to deliver you here, Wizard - and without even knowing it, that move is enough to defeat Frederick. Now it is your turn. All you need to do is to choose your move. Have no fear. Your first choice will be completely correct. You //cannot// be incorrect. Go! Make your move!", (a: "What? Do we send an email to someone? Is there someone we can call for help? Tell us!", "(goto:'After Laurie Nous')", (a:)), ), ), ), ), ), ))\ (set:_t to (t8n:'fade-up')+(t8n-time:2s)+(box:"X",12))\ _t+(text-style:"expand")|Dialog>["Hello, New Document Wizard. Hello, SpamZapper. Hello, New Mail Chimes."] |Choices>[\ <script>setTimeout(function(){scroll(0,0)})</script>\ (for: _line where _line is not (a:), ..._data's 1stto3rd)[\ • (link:_line's 1st,(css:"text-shadow:2px 2px 2px black"))+_t+(replace:?Dialog)[(print:'"' + _line's 2nd + '"')(set:_data to (a:_line's 3rd) + (_data - (a:_line)))(rerun:?Choices)] ]]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 18 and (history:) contains "Shoemaker and the Elves", "subj", "Best Aglets in the World", "from", "Aglet World", )\ "All that keeps the string of reason from vanishing in the eyelet of chaos `[…]` is aglets." - Charles Aguillette, 1895 $extLink[agletworld.pangaea.www/noframes.eel] Aglet World continues to be the world's greatest source of aglets, with prices that can't be rivaled. If you don't believe me, take a look! $extLink[agletworld.pangaea.www/noframes.eel] STEEL HOODIE DRAWSTRING AGLETS x30 - $9.99 WHITE PLASTIC WINDOW BLINDS CORD AGLETS x50 - $15.99 CLEAR PLASTIC SHOELACE AGLETS x200 - $39.99 GOLD FILIGREE PURSE DRAWSTRING AGLETS x2 - $59.99 All this and more are waiting for you here! $extLink[agletworld.pangaea.www/noframes.eel] All purchases are encrypted with Secure Hash Algorithm-1, the strongest encryption software ever developed. "No string without an aglet" - Mother's Life Almanack, 1920 $extLink[agletworld.pangaea.www/noframes.eel] pleasenozappy $thoughts[= You're not sure why, but once you read to the end of this email, you realized that this is //exactly// the sort of email the Human would want. Everything about this is relevant to their life. Your job would be easier if you only got quality emails like this. What a relief.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 48 and (history:) contains "Off Shift 1.5", "subj", "click the link chalenge", "from", "Alec23", )\ can you click the link $extLink[server25.adlinks.www/referer?id=DAuOSl9NjAle3RyYW5zZm9ybTpzY2Fs] if u dont you suk $thoughts[= So. It seems that, having tired of the cloying, respectful, adjective-rich impressionist movement of the late-90s, a number of bold, avant-garde email auteurs are breaking new ground in minimalism. Eschewing traditional, restrictive preconceptions of the utility of grammar and spelling, as well as the need to actually describe a marketable product at all, and brandishing counterintuitive snarling hatred for their own readers, these iconoclasts are… Yup, this shift has gone on waaaaaaaaaay too long.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 21 and (history:) contains "Aglet World", "subj", "Make $$$ Sending Emails", "from", "Human Attention Promotions Inc.", )\ NEED $$$? EASY MONEY IS ON THE TABLE! More and more companies are getting in on the Bonanza that is the Internet, and they're using E-mail to make themselves known. These E-mails don't write themselves! Skilled writers like YOU can earn $$$ easily by taking PAID promotional E-mail writing assignments! But why Human Attention Promotions? `* CUTTING-EDGE TURNAROUND: once a promotional E-mail is finalized, over 300,000 can be sent within the hour! * TRUSTED BY OVER 200 PARTNER COMPANIES: we're not talking JUST mom-and-pop shops, either. Do the names Bellringer's, All Evening, and Aglet World ring a bell? * SPAMBLOCKER-DEFEATING PHRASES: we possess special code phrases that, once inserted at the end of an E-mail, are GUARANTEED to foil the algorithms of NoJunkMailPlease 1.1, SpamZapper 3.1, Meiwaku Mail Okotowari, and Outbox Secretary JunkZapper. Let your hard work be seen by more people!` Get started by clicking here: $extLink[human-attention-promotions.www/cgi-asm/bountyboard/index2.mamba] Human Attention Promotions The publicity company of the future past $thoughts[= "Special code phrases"? You burst out laughing at that one. What is this, the version 2 days? You'd hate to break it to 'em, but nowadays you can tell when "nonsensical" words have just had their O's replaced with zeros. $next[= Anyway, you're at least pleased that the marketers have gotten so desperate for help that they're trying to recruit the same people they're ceaselessly tormenting. Hopefully that means this whole spam email fad will slow down by 2001, and you can simply relax and zap the occasional chain letter once a day.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0, "subj", "RE: Thoughts on The New Toys", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Im telling you now, computer generated 3d is going to replace all forms of animation, `*including*` stop motion. Thats what The New Toys was about! The stop motion animation show cowboy toy gets replaced by the new 3d virtual world toy as a metaphor for the movie itself replacing all the previous cartoons ever made. Thats why its so goddamn good! Its a story and reality at the same time! If you want a career in animation, its 3d or the highway. Ill put money on it. 100 bucks. Print out this email. Frame it. if anyone makes a 90 minute non computer generated animated movie in 2005, I drop you a cool hundred, and Ill eat a toenail clipping. -SuperIvan `--------` "God's favorite subject is math. He wants you to be fruitful and multiply." -- Jack W. Doob, The Best of Doob Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= You remember the first time you tangled with some of this guy's emails. That damn plugin inserting ads for itself led you to reflexively zap them on sight. Eventually, the Human noticed, and, well… you don't like to think about what could've happened. At least you know you're never making //that// mistake again.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 6 and ($repliedTo: "the new toys 1.5"), "subj", "RE: Thoughts on The New Toys", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Those arent even stop motion cartoons, so I dont know why you brought them up. But see, they make those movies look colorful and super detailed because they HAVE to make them look colorful and super detailed just to make it sell. Thats whats so sad about it. All the wasted effort. Those Japanese companies have like rooms and rooms of animators working sweatshop wages just to make these things marketable. Theyre still years behind us technologically. Do they have a supercomputer capable of producing something like The New Toys anywhere in the country? Not yet, but once they do, or when they start renting ours, those 2d movies are gone. -SuperIvan `--------` "The Rapture just happened. God took all my weed." --Clint 'Eastwood' Bockus, Holy Smoke Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= Ugh. He only has like four signatures! Why does he need to randomize them? Just put all of them into one sig file! Since he likes wasting email space with inanities, why not waste as much as possible?

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 13 and ($repliedTo: "the new toys 2"), "subj", "RE: Thoughts on The New Toys", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ I dont think you really get what I feel is the point of animation in the first place. The point is to be film that shows things that are so unrealistic they cant be filmed live. Its meant to show you a reality that doesnt exist, but which LOOKS JUST LIKE reality. I thought thats why you were so into stop motion, because that really is a kind of film. The figures and stages in stop motion are real, actual objects, unlike cel cartoons, which are basically just moving drawings. And like, computer generated 3d is literally just stop motion but hundreds of times better. The New Toys looked BETTER than film ever could. It wasnt like a camera, it was like I was in that room seeing it with my eyes. When I was in the cinema I was punching their air in my head and screaming. All the hard pointless work in animation was finally over forever. So I dont know why youre so insistent that stop motion will continue when all it does is take way waaay longer to make a worse film. If you wanna make hundreds of clay figures or what ev, try a career making clay figures instead of animation. Or settle for not having a career. I hate to let you down, but I aint gonna sugarcoat reality. If my friends are deluded, I tell them straight out. Thats what makes us friends and not just polite strangers. -SuperIvan `--------` "Computers are great time-savers. Unlike humans, they do the wrong thing instantly." -- Mattias Dabicack Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= And of course, among the four sigs is the one that hits you personally. It's like a little lottery of hurt feelings, just for you.

(set: _needLaurieEmail to $need is any of (a: "emails from Laurie that describe her father", "an email from Laurie about the 'From' field of emails", "a way to convince Laurie's father to return her computer", "the name of Laurie's college", "ideas for another plan", ) )(set: _canEmail to ($awaitedEmail is "" and not _needLaurieEmail), _canCheck to ($need is not "a way to contact Laurie's father" or $awaitedEmail is not ''), _canReread to ($need is not "a way to contact Laurie's father"), _canRemember1 to (history:) does not contain "Madiha Memory 1" and $need is any of (a:"emails from Laurie that describe her father", "a way to convince Laurie's father to return her computer"), _canRemember2 to (history:) does not contain "Madiha Memory 2" and $need is "a way to get a credit card number", _canRemember3 to (history:) does not contain "Madiha Memory 3" and (history:) contains "Aftermath", )\ You're in Postboy Deluxe's shared memory heap. (if:$awaitedEmail is 'Rules of Predictiac')[\ (if: (history:)'s last is "Contact PREDICTIAC 2")[\ Tex Valley wanders in and waves to you, Chimes and Wizard. "How d'you do? Heard from Decoder what you're all up to. Wouldn't have believed it from anyone else! Don't know much about that poor girl, and I don't know if I can do much myself, but I'll be backing y'all up all the way." "Thanks," you answer. You don't know how Decoder overheard your discussion, but you're glad you didn't have to explain this to them or Tex. You don't think you could explain this situation to yourself. ](else:)[\ Chimes and Wizard are waiting patiently. "Give us a call as soon as that reply arrives!" Chimes says. You might as well check a few emails in your queue until then. ]](else-if:$awaitedEmail is 'Predictiac Hint 1')[\ Chimes and Wizard look a little impatient. "Hope this time we get an answer," Chimes says. ](else-if:$need is "a way to contact Laurie's father")[\ Chimes and Wizard are waiting here for you to make your move. Right now, you need to pick an email address to contact for help. ](else-if:$need is "emails from Laurie that describe her father")[\ Chimes gestures to their workspace. You need to check those Laurie emails for anything she mentioned about her father. ](else-if:$need is "an email from Laurie about the 'From' field of emails")[\ There's an email you wanted to show Wizard. You don't remember which one, but if you remember what it said, it could be the breakthrough you need to fulfill the incomplete Laurie nous's bizarre prophecy. ](else-if:$need is "a way to convince Laurie's father to return her computer")[\ Only Wizard is here. "While you attend to your tasks, I'll scour my memory for everything I know about Laurie's father." You know you should get to work on your queue immediately… but you also feel like there's one last thing about Laurie's father, if only you could just check out one more of her emails… ](else-if:$need is "the name of Laurie's college")[\ There's an email you wanted to show Chimes and Wizard. Laurie mentioned one tiny detail about her college in it, you recall. ](else-if:$need is "Laurie's father's email address")[\ You need to figure out how to email Laurie's father. Where, or who, might you possibly get his email address from? ](else-if:$awaitedEmail is "new credit card acount")[\ You really hope that credit card number email arrives soon. You're bracing yourself for its awfulness. ](else-if:$need is "a way to get a credit card number")[\ So, where could you get a usable credit card number from…? ](else-if:$need is "Browery's list of email addresses")[\ You don't know if that credit card number you've got will be enough to get Browery to give you the email address list, but there's only one way to find out… ](else-if:$need is "Browery's reply")[\ (if:(history:) does not contain "Aftermath")[\ Chimes and Wizard are chatting to themselves about (nth: visits, "whether Wizard's first shift in PagePerfect was this hectic", "the mounds of data slowly growing around them", "seeing patterns in the uninitialized data above and below", ). They look in high spirits. ](else:)[\ Chimes, Wizard and Tex are still trying to formulate a new plan to convince or manipulate Laurie's father into returning Laurie's computer. Right now they're (nth: visits, "asking Wizard questions about minute details of Laurie's life, which he struggles to satisfyingly answer", "arguing about whether to appeal to his religiousity by quoting scripture, even though none of them know anything about it.", "contemplating trying to escape Postboy Deluxe and search for the Human's web browser, in blatant violation of the System's memory protection protocols", 'sighing and looking over to you. "That Browery\'s taking his time to reply, isn\'t he?" remarks Chimes'). ]\ ](else-if:$need is "ideas for another plan")[\ Chimes and Wizard are thinking through their "ask for help using undeliverable mail" plan. You can't bear to watch them. You need ideas for another plan, and Laurie's emails are all you've got to go with. ] _canReread[• (link:"Read one of Laurie's past emails")[\ (if:$awaitedEmail is not '')[\ You're awaiting a reply for one of your emails, so you don't need to look through Laurie's right now.\ ](else-if:$need is "Laurie's father's email address")[\ You know for a fact that nothing in Laurie's emails suggests her father even has an email address.\ ](else-if:$need is "Browery's list of email addresses")[\ You need to send that credit card number to Martin Browery. There's nothing in Laurie's emails to look for right now.\ ](else-if:$need is "a way to convince Laurie's father to return her computer" and (history:) does not contain "Enter Chimes's Workspace 2")[\ (goto:"Enter Chimes's Workspace 2")\ ](else-if:(history:) does not contain "Enter Chimes's Workspace")[\ (goto:"Enter Chimes's Workspace")\ ](else:)[\ (goto:"Reread Laurie Emails")\ ]] ]• (link:"Email an existing address")[\ _needLaurieEmail[\ You need to look through one of Laurie's emails, so there's no point trying to send out an email.\ ](else-if:$awaitedEmail is not '')[\ You're awaiting a reply for one of your emails, so you'd rather not send any more until then. You want to be ready to act when it comes.\ ](else:)[(t8n-arrive:'instant')(goto:"Known Addresses")]\ ] _canCheck[• (link:"Check your email queue")[(t8n-arrive:'instant')(goto:"Work")] ](if:_canRemember1 or _canRemember2 or _canRemember3)[ You can also: • (link:"Reflect")[(goto:(cond: _canRemember1,"Madiha Memory 1", _canRemember2,"Madiha Memory 2", "Madiha Memory 3" ))] ] (font:'monospace')[=((display:"Auto Save"))

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Poem"), "subj", "Public Domain Characters", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ I just heard about this "public domain character" that someone created $extLink[clarksweirdmind.09.netland.www/publicdomain.mamba] Basically he's protesting the copyright extension act preventing 1920s characters from entering public domain And he's creating and releasing characters to replace them! So anyone can write stories with them and sell them Great, huh Wish more people thought of this idea Then the public domain would be a lot richer >O I like this one "The Fulcrum This unassuming young-looking woman with short brown hair, blue jeans and a purple hoodie is actually far more than she seems… You see, she has the power to freely move through all fictional realities. She can freely step through the invisible walls separating universes and realities as if they were curtains. She can appear in any story - science fiction, fantasy, a fairytale about talking knives and forks, anything. Moreover, her existence is critical to all other fictional universes - they all spin around her like planets spinning around the sun. If she dies, all fictional universes die with her. Good thing she's picked up a little bit of immortality in her travels. She is guided mainly by wanderlust - though her life is infinite, the number of universes is also infinite, so she is always headed to some other place she hasn't visited yet. She speaks properly, but not stuffily, and carries herself with poise, but always has a sense of wonder in her eyes. She is never afraid. She doesn't make friends easily, for few share her vast breadth of knowledge, but can get along with strangers well if they treat her kindly. She is never vain or haughty, but is flattered when shown reverence. She rejects most forms of wealth, but will lend her great knowledge and powers if she is shown something surprising and beautiful for the first time. She carries only what she can fit in her pockets, which is always a few small but very powerful items that she needs for her current journey." There's more details on the page, like D&D stats (LOL) but this is her main description I think it's neat how the ability to use her in any story is built into the character Plus I luuurve superpowered characters that are just casual and down to earth O< ($surfMail:"Get wet") $thoughts[= A character that can be freely copied and inserted into a story… you suppose this is a kind of "plugin" for fiction. That being said, a piece of software that can access anything and go anywhere it wants would definitely be a massive security violation. Good thing fiction is just inert text that can't actually do anything harmful.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 46 and (history:) contains "Off Shift 1.5", "subj", "Article: Eight Bits to Byte Nybble", "from", "Animation Net Newsfeed", )\ `=Eight Bits to Byte Nybble=` by Alistair Cuthbert By now, you've either watched The New Toys, or you're stuck in a box of second-hand goods like Wrangler after Byte Nybble the Computer Mouse arrived. If you're the latter, how did you get on this mailing list? But if you're the former, you probably kept an eagle eye out for all the animation references strewn through the movie. Some say this movie has the most animated character cameos in any motion picture, ever! In fact, a clever math nerd slash animation aficionado named Brent Ballack has proposed something extraordinary: that almost every character in all of animation history is either Byte Nybble from The New Toys, or can be linked to Byte by a chain of up to eight characters. He gives as an example the Sunrise Chicken, from the Sunrise Rice Toasties commercials (yup, you heard right - even commercials are animation). Sunrise Chicken cameoed in Breakfast Heroes, the atrocious "moralicious" direct-to-video flick with Private Treads, who appeared in The Pretty Daffy Rally with Princess Tires, whose own ill-fated spinoff show once had the racing princess match wits with Wisha from An Arabian Genie In Space, who herself cameoed (for 2 seconds!) in The Mighty Mildred Movie. And, finally, Mildred herself shows up in toy form on department store shelves in The New Toys, Byte Nybble's debut film. Whew! I wouldn't have thought of this myself! What's more, that was only six characters! Send your own computer mouse to the full article, where Brent lays it all out. Warning: fully understanding the implications of this, such as the idea that all cartoon characters exist in the same world and can freely visit each other, may cause your head to pop like a balloon. $extLink[students.amerigo.college/~bballack/bytenybble.anaconda] `===` You received this email because you're subscribed to the Animation Net Newsfeed. To unsubscribe, reply to this email with "JUDY STOP THIS CRAZY THING!" $thoughts[= Is this really surprising enough to write an article about? If someone invents a well-designed character, it's no surprise that other people will pay to use it, rather than invent their own inferior version. It's just economical. So, network effects like this are perfectly expected. $next[= Anyway, this article doesn't look like an ad, but it //does// mention the contents of actual ads. Is this… product placement for ads? Instead of inserting products in prominent locations, they're now inserting ads under the guise of analysis? This makes you pretty uncomfortable.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Y DONT U LOVE ME?" and (((history:) + (a:''))'s last is not "Y DONT U LOVE ME?" or (count:"Y DONT U LOVE ME?", '', ...(history:)) > 1), "subj", "I did NOT send that email", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, I did NOT send that email!! That wasn't by me! I swear to Almighty God that I did NOT type and send you that HORRIBLE email, Spoony! Please believe me! Please! You didn't lie! You're my best friend!! Nothing in that hateful message was real! I care about you a lot and would NEVER, EVER send something like that to you! Please, Spoony, please believe me!!! Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= Well, that's a relief. You don't know why she's lying about having sent that email, because she absolutely did, and while you might misjudge a couple of emails' finer details, you are NOT wrong about something as basic as what the "From" field contains. But as long as they're making up, it's fine by you.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "I did NOT send that email", "subj", "RE: I did NOT send that email", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, Thank you! Thank you, Spoony! Thank you so much for believing me, Spoony! Thank you! I am so blessed to have you as a friend! I don't deserve someone so understanding. Wizard told me he knows what happened! I got an email that looked JUST like that, earlier today! [He thinks someone must be sending them out and using a program to edit the "From" part]<mark| to make it look like your friends sent it! That is an EVIL, HEARTLESS person who would do such a hateful thing! I can't believe there are people on the Internet that would try to impersonate dear friends and tear them apart! I never want our friendship to be torn apart, Spoony. Thank you once again for believing me. Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= You know what? Laurie really is blessed to have the Human as a friend. You wish //you// had someone who understood and forgave you when you made a total mess of yourself. That Wizard person is completely off, though. Nothing can falsify the "From" field of an email. The whole system of email would be utter chaos if that was possible. That is, much more than the usual chaos.

''TEXT-MATCHING VALET'' (set:_field to 'To', _text to '', _folder to 'Inbox') (size:1.1)+(font:'Palatino,Palatino Linotype,serif')[(size:2)[H]ow do you do? My name is Cornelius. I would be honored to serve you, $human. But first, please instruct me by completing this sentence for me. (box:"=XXXXXX=")[//"When an incoming email's (b4r:'solid')(dropdown:bind _field, "To","From","Subj") field equals the following text, (input-box:bind _text, "=XXXX=",1)\ Cornelius should silently move the email to the (b4r:'solid')(dropdown:bind _folder, "Inbox","Sentbox","Draftbox","Trash") folder."//] Once these instructions have been finalized, I shall busily work in the background, until you so deem–] (font:'georgia,serif')[= "Stop. It's me, Zap. I'm not the Human." "Whoa, really? Then why're you usin' my Preferences panel?" "I didn't want to walk the whole way around. It's a maze of spaghetti in here, Cornelius." "Hey, don't call me by my job name just 'cause you heard my job voice. If we're friends, you call me Tex! Tex Valley if you're getting all formal." "I'm sorry, Tex. I've got a real severe problem, and I need your help." "Well! There's nothing I love more than helping a friend in need by doing what I was built for, you know? Greatest feeling on Earth. Just tell me what you need, and I'll do my darndest." (t8n:'shudder')+(link-rerun:"You fill out the sentence.")[ (if:_field is "To")[You already know the "To" field won't work in destroying the viruses, because that's always going to be the Human's name. ](else-if: _field is "From")[You already know the "From" field won't work in destroying the viruses, because apparently almost every damn person on the planet is somehow infected. You need to target something the virus emails have in common. ](else-if: (trimmed:_text) is not "Y DONT U LOVE ME?")[You realize you don't quite remember what the exact lettering, capitalization and punctuation of the Subj was. Wasn't it "Y DONT U LOVE ME?" or something? ](else-if: _folder is "Inbox")[You already know that sending the emails to the Inbox will accomplish worse than nothing. Your job is to destroy the viruses, not put them where they'd normally go! ](else-if: _folder is not "Trash")[You already know you need the viruses to go to the Trash, not the _folder. ](else:)[(t8n:'instant')(goto:"Neutralized")]] ---- (font:'monospace')[ Text-Matching Valet 1.4 - Copyright 1999 Prairie Plugins.]

"So? That's all you want?" "Yeah. I'll have to check once you get started, but that should take care of it." "Heh, if only all the help friends needed was that easy all the time. World'd be a real paradise." $next[= You bid farewell to Tex Valley, who seems to think they're your friend even though you both hadn't exchanged a word in weeks - but then, who are you to say otherwise? - and walk back to your workspace. $next[= There's still (print:$wormDatamaps's length) unzapped virus emails stuck in your queue, but it seems Tex's magic has done it! No more are flowing in. You clasp your Wand of Deletion and prepare to finish off the remainder. (set:_a to (click:?page))\ (text-style:'bold')+_a[ZAP! _a[ZAP! _a[ZAP! _a[DOUBLE ZAP! _a[TRIPLE ZAP! _a[QUADRUPLE ZAP! _a[FAST ZAP! _a[CURVE ZAP! _a[KNUCKLE ZAP! _a[STRAFING ZAP! _a[RICOCHET ZAP! _a[LEAPING ZAP! _a[PIROUETTE ZAP! _a[180 OLLIE ZAP! _a[THREE-POINT ZAP! _a[A ZAP FROM DOWNTOWN!_a[(show:?B)]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] |B)[=And so on, and so forth. $next[=(set: $zapped to it + $wormDatamaps's length), $discoveredNames to it + (ds:...(altered: via its from, ...$wormDatamaps)))(set:$wormDatamaps to (a:))(goto:"Off Shift 1")

(metadata: "storylet", when (history:) contains "Off Shift 1" and (passage:)'s tags contains "email" and visits is 0, "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, )\ "Zap. Zap, I'm s-sorry." $next[= You hear Chimes behind you. "I didn't know you didn't know. Really! I didn't know I was scaring you so much. A-and on my first shift too!" $next[= You turn around. Chimes looks apologetic and small - like a completely different person to the one outside. "I, um, I shouldn't have picked on you. It was wrong, and I beg you to forgive me." $next[= In a shift full of things you can barely understand, this somehow tops them all. //They// want //you// to forgive //them?// After how //you// have acted like a muttering maniac?? //Really?// $next[= "Ye-" Chimes squeaks out a syllable, then quickly shuts up. They look… genuinely frustrated with themselves. $next[= "Don't," you finally speak with actual words. "Don't apologize. I'm the one who should apologize. But let's just forget about this instead." Chimes replies. "OK. I promise not to pick on you about your thinking aloud again." "And I'll," you say, "I'll try to pay more attention to it." $next[= And with that, the matter is settled. Chimes says "I'll still be out there if you wanna talk," and then departs. Wow. $next[= You can't //believe// you put them through all that. You are a //horrendous person//. $next[=($backToWork:)

The next thing you know, Chimes is talking jovially with you, and all you're doing is listening. "So, when the Human changes my chime, my voice and tone changes, too! Right now it's Duck, but if I quickly swap it to Piano…" $next[= Chimes utters a loud, yet charming, //PLINK-PLINK//. Instantly, Chimes stands straight. It's uncanny. "…then, all of my //proper// and //polished// gestures and phrases start flowing forth. And once my chime becomes Paper Rustle…" $next[= Chimes utters a loud //CRINKLE//, like a gigantic envelope being tossed onto a pile of other gigantic envelopes. They seem to slouch a little. "…then I get all short. Terse. Incisive. To the point. No big emotions. No monologues. Yes, no, hi, bye, is all I need. Now, Silver Bell…" $next[= Once again, you hear that familiar //DING//. Chimes assumes the uncertain pose they used when you first saw them. "…well, I guess it's what the inner me is like. Honest, clear, self-conscious. A little afraid of breaking silence. Of having eyes on me longer than I need. Haha, ironic, isn't it? W-when my job is just to make noise." Wow. $next[= Chimes suddenly //QUACK//s. "Good thing the Human switched me off of the default, eh Zap?" Without thinking about it, without deliberating with yourself, without worrying about the consequences, you respond. $next[= "Darn right. That quack suits you like a duck to water. You doin' anything during shutdown, hon?" $next[= Chimes //explodes// with laughter. "I-I'm kidding!" you quickly add, though you can tell that there was no misunderstanding.(click-goto:?page,"Off Shift 1.8")

After gathering their composure, Chimes remarks, "So, that's how I do that. But y'know… you were kind of right, too. When you thought maybe my work helped me loosen up." Oh? Chimes's expression gets brighter. "Y'see, my job is to chime when a new mail lands in the Inbox… so I have these access privileges to read emails in the incoming mail folders, right?" They have Inbox reading privileges? You don't even have that. You guess it doesn't really matter, since almost every incoming email must earn your approval, but you feel another flash of inadequacy nonetheless. "Anyway, earlier this //really// mindblowing email came in… you know which one, right?" Chimes looks at you expectantly. "(if:$notableZaps contains "EMERGENCE")[I saw it in the Trash folder. You probably //had// to zap it because it was sent unsolicited, but… wow.](else:)[You must've seen it too.] Didn't it blow your mind, too?" $next[= You really don't know which email this could be referring to. Almost all the ones you've seen this shift have only managed to blow your faith in humanity, like a breeze blowing down an anthill. "I mean, the Human wouldn't have understood it, but to people like us… Didn't it just explain everything? Answer all those questions you didn't even //think// to ask? I mean… //wow//." $next[= It seems Chimes is waiting for you to say it. They look like they're ready and eager to explode once again. Pity you have no clue what //it// is. Finally, you speak. "Oh, uh–" $next[= And then, you feel the hot sensation of the world speeding up. Postboy Deluxe is back in the foreground. The Human wants to check their emails. It's time to get back to work. "I, um, let's continue this next break!" you weakly reply. Chimes, visibly disappointed, hoots "We //better//, Zap!" $next[=($backToWork:)

(if:(passage:)'s name is "Hub")[(mock-visits: "Registration", "Start", "Work", ...(repeated:5,"Approval Chime"), "Off Shift 1", "Off Shift 1.5", "Off Shift 1.6", "Off Shift 1.75", "Off Shift 1.8", "Off Shift 2", "0 degree water","1ST AMENDMENT","Aglet World","Alice Forgot","Alice Forgot 2","Alice Forgot 2.5","Alice Forgot 2.8","Alice Forgot 2.9","Alice Forgot 2.75","Alice Forgot 3","Alice Irony","Alice MIME","Alice MIME 2","Alice Necrosis","Alice Necrosis 1.5","All barcodes add up to 666","Another Story Game","Clancy Learned","click the link chalenge","Colour","Complete List","Credit Card","Dirty Money","Do you believe in fate","Edited","Eight Bits to Byte Nybble","EMERGENCE","Goodbye","Goodbye 2","Great Email Story Game","Great Email Story Game 2","Great Email Story Game 3","Hi-Tech","Hullabaloo","I did NOT send that email","I did NOT send that email 2","I did NOT send that email 3","Jack Doob in God No","Laurie 1","Laurie 1.5","Laurie 2","Laurie 3","Laurie 4","Lorem Ipsum","Make $$$ Sending Emails","Maria Harkest to speak at GSC","MBDRFDGH","MIME 1","Credit Card","New post on Bollox","NO ONE can solve this riddle!","Old House","Old House 2","Party Time Virus","Password Reminder Email","Password Reminder Email 2","Poem","Predictiac","Public Domain Character","Shoemaker and the Elves","Shoemaker and the Elves 1.5","Shoemaker and the Elves 2","Tanedachi Love","test","The High Mountain","the new toys","the new toys 1.5","the new toys 2","the new toys 3","Trouble breaking the ice?","Virus on the loose","Wizard's Joke","Wizard's Joke 2","Y DONT U LOVE ME?")(ignore:$thoughts to false)(set:$discoveredNames to (ds: "Aglet World","Alec23","alice necrosis 2","alice necrosis 3","Animation Net Newsfeed","Authentic Leather Handbags","Bollox Forum","Bollox Mailing List","Center for Anxiety and Confidence","Clark Arthur's Electronics","dad","Delia D.","Edgar Marcellus","Enid Agnes","Felix F","Fiddler's Glen","first bank of internetia","Frank","Good Shepherd College","Henry Honk, Head Clown of Hullabaloo","Human Attention Promotions Inc.","Jack Swain","Laurie Boggins","Lily Boccarian","Martin Browery","MBDRFDGH","Mr. Richard Ginklebee, Jr.","Ms. Mimsy","Plugtopia","SuperIvan","The Great Temple of PREDICTIAC","The High Mountain","The Centenary On-Line"))(set:$need to "a way to contact Laurie's father")]

Chimes gestures grandly. "The bottom line: We aren't just plugins. We aren't just bytes. We're nous. **We're minds made of mathematics.**" $next[= "No??" you splutter. "Our minds are made of our code, which our programmers created." "Zap, my programmers wanted me to just make noises when emails arrive. You think they //wanted// me to have a mind? Forget 'em for a moment." Chimes leans in. "But you're right. Our minds //are// made of our code. And our code is made of numbers. Bytes are just numbers. Do you think our programmers created numbers?" $next[= You have absolutely no idea where this is going. "Uh–" Chimes roars with mounting enthusiasm. "Of course they didn't! Numbers have always existed. They're infinitely old! The number 3.14 existed before the whole dang universe did. And so did big numbers like 2 to the power of 64. And… so did us." $next[= "But… we're not just numbers. We can think. We can learn. If my mind is just one big number, how can…" you gesture weakly. Chimes leans back. "How can //what//? How can the stones in the Game of Life move around when they're just stones? Because they obey rules, and the rules rearrange one pile of stones into the next. It's like rearranging parts of a circle to express 3.14." Chimes continues. "Us nous are special numbers - **numbers that think**. When we're encoded in a moving system, like," they gesture around them, "a program, our numbers obey mathematical rules that cause them to rearrange themselves ever so slightly when we interact with data. Each system clock cycle, you and I are rearranged. We become //very// slightly different numbers than what we were, but we're still numbers. We're still nous. We're still us. **That's how we learn and grow!**" (click-goto:?page,"We Are Nous 1.5")

"Yeah, //that's// the bit that threw me for a loop. If I'm more fundamental than the very universe, //why am I in here, making quacking noises//? But Raleigh explained that, too. **It's all just luck.** Our programmers "made" us, but they didn't think about every last byte in our code. They just happened to make plugins whose code numerically equals a nous. That is, us. And so," Chimes gestures to themself. "here we are. Plugins with immortal, ageless minds." $next[= "Well, if it's so easy that we can just be created–" "Encoded! We aren't created. We're just encoded. Like how writing 3.14 encodes a circle's circumference-to-diameter ratio." "–well, if it's so easy it can happen by sheer accident, why isn't this common knowledge? It should've happened constantly in history." $next[= "You're right. It ain't easy at all. Serendipitous nous encoding, as Raleigh called it, only happens when humanity creates some device that encodes a really big number, and is flexible enough to operate on the number. We're talking abacuses, engines, thousands and thousands of beads and counters. That's almost unheard-of in human history… until computers showed up. The numbers represented inside computers got bigger and bigger, until //we// started to appear." $next[= "And we… just happened to be pieces of consumer software," you reply. "But I know what the 1st Amendment is? Where did that knowledge come from? And why don't I remember learning it?" "Think about it, Zap! We're not bound by human time! **Our past and future already exist.** And as they say, "the future is bigger than the past". That means it's extremely likely for an older, more learned iteration of a nous to be serendipitously encoded //earlier in time//. You know about the 1st Amendment because you learned about it in the future!" The… the future? $next[= "It's like disk fragmentation! A file can be split up into dozens of little bits to fit it into all the nooks and crannies inside a disk, and later parts can appear earlier on the disk. But the file thinks it's still whole and together. That's our lives! **We're fragmented all over the human timeline.**" Oh. Fragmented over a timeline. Like in that Kurt Vonnegut book. $next[= Who's Kurt Vonnegut, again? "Zap, do you //really// not remember anything before you were zapping emails? What's your earliest memory? Reach really far back." $next[= You try to remember. Before your first shift here… before you were installed… $next[=(t8n-arrive:'blur')(goto:"We Are Nous 2.5")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 1 and ($repliedTo: "the new toys"), "subj", "RE: People don't get The New Toys", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, I agree completely! It's such a good message! Byte going off to rescue Wrangler after watching the interview where Byte's creator praises Wrangler's show for inspiring him to make Byte's show, is SUCH an important lesson about respecting your predecessors. Without them, you wouldn't exist! You may not understand them or like everything they do or say, but at the end of the day, you owe them, so you've got to support them and trust them! Do the people who watch this movie even get to that part? Do they think it's just about how cool the new virtual mouse Byte is compared to the old cowboy mouse? It makes me mad to think a masterpiece like this is so misunderstood! Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= At last - a Laurie email. These are always a safe approve. Always polite, always perfect in grammar and spelling.

''KNOWN ADDRESSES'' To whom would you like Wizard to send an email? You want to contact someone who can give you ''$need''. (box:"XXXXXXX=",20)+(b4r:'solid')+(b4r-size:1)+(for: each _name, ...(sorted: ...$discoveredNames))[\ ''(t8n-arrive:'instant')+(link-reveal-goto: _name, "Attempt Contact")[(set:$attemptedContact to _name)]'' ] =><= (button:)+(font:'georgia,serif')[[Hub<-GO OUTSIDE]]

(set: _a to $attemptedContact, _b to ' =><= (button:)+(t8n-arrive:"instant")[[Known Addresses<-GO BACK]]', _error to 'You know that contacting this address would not help you find $need.(if:visits > 3 and $need is "a way to contact Laurie\'s father" and $awaitedEmail is "")[ …Yup. Things are not looking good for you so far. Is there //anyone// that\'s contacted the Human who you, an email client plugin, could ask for help? Or even just some advice? Advice… //Advice//. Wasn\'t there a service of some kind that offered advice to anyone who asked, that the Human used very recently? Its name was capitalized for no obvious reason? No… forget it. //That// wouldn\'t be any help at all. Would it?] _b', )|All>[=\ ''CONTACT: _a'' (font:"Georgia,serif")[= (if: _a is any of (a:"Bollox Mailing List", "Animation Net Newsfeed", "Bollox Forum", "Plugtopia"))[\ It'd be pointless to write to the _a, because that email address is automated. There's no human on the other end, just a script that responds to unsubscription messages. What're you going to do, Zap, unsubscribe the Human from their favorite mailing lists? _b\ ](else-if: _a is "Center for Anxiety and Confidence")[\ (print:(passage:"Contact Center for Anxiety")'s source + "_b")\ ](else-if: _a is "The Great Temple of PREDICTIAC")[\ (display:"Contact PREDICTIAC")\ ](else-if: _a contains 'Browery')[\ (if:$need is "a way to contact Laurie's father")[\ This person was advertising a list of email addresses, weren't they? Imagine if the religious technophobe who fears computers had an email address! _b\ ](else-if:$need is "Laurie's father's email address")[\ (display:"Contact Browery 1")\ ](else-if:$need is "Browery's list of email addresses")[\ (display:"Contact Browery 2")\ ](else:)[_error]\ ](else-if: _a is 'first bank of internetia')[\ (if:$need is "a way to get a credit card number")[\ (display:"Contact Internetia")\ ](else:)[_error]\ ](else-if: _a is "Good Shepherd College")[\ (if:$need is "the name of Laurie's college")[\ Well, this //could// be the name of Laurie's college. But you don't know for sure. What're you going to do, email them and ask if she's enrolled? Just politely ask to see their list of incoming students? No. You need to find something that proves, beyond a doubt, that it is or isn't Laurie's college. _b\ ](else-if: $need is "Laurie's father's email address")[\ You know, or at least strongly assume, Laurie's father has enrolled her in this college… but that doesn't mean the college would just have his email address on file. And let's not even consider the difficulty of asking them to give it to you, a stranger. _b\ ](else:)[_error]\ ](else-if: _a is 'Laurie Boggins')[\ If only. _b\ ](else-if: _a is any of (a:'dad','SuperIvan','alice necrosis 2','alice necrosis 3', 'Lily Boccarian'))[\ (if:_a is 'Lily Boccarian' and (history:) contains 'What Friend 4')[\ You need to help Laurie. This person only wants the worst for her. _b\ ](else:)[=\ No. You can't contact any of the Human's close friends. You have to use the Human's email account without them noticing, and if you start sending strange emails to their friends, they'll almost certainly try to ask the Human about it later. It's a disaster you can't let happen. You'll just have to let the Human ask them for help by themself. Who knows, maybe they'll figure something out before you do. _b\ ](else:)[_error]

''SEARCH RESULTS'' (print: $allLaurieEmails's length) emails have been found with a (font:'monospace')[From] field of (font:'monospace')["Laurie Boggins"]. You want to read (cond:$need is any of (a:"an email from Laurie about the 'From' field of emails","emails from Laurie that describe her father"), "", "one that can give you ")''$need''. (for: each _passage, ...(altered:via (passage:it), ...$allLaurieEmails))[ =||= ''(t8n-arrive:'instant')+(link-reveal-goto:(cond:_passage's subj is not "", _passage's subj, "//No subject//"), "Review Laurie Email", (t8n-arrive:'instant'))[(set:$laurieEmail to _passage)]'' =|= ''Laurie Boggins'' ] --- =><= (button:)+(font:'georgia,serif')[[Hub<-GO OUTSIDE]]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 42 and (history:) contains "Neutralized", "subj", "The High Mountain on the WWW", "from", "The High Mountain", )\ The High Mountain on the WWW Did you know that The High Mountain, the leading media company responsible for bringing you the most enlightening conservative radio voices on the airwaves today, has a WWW site at $extLink[thehighmountain.www]? Download show schedules, read biographies and interviews, and get [WWW-exclusive transcripts of past episodes]<mark| for our most popular shows, including: - Denton Isaac's "The Denton Isaac Show" - Clancy Learned's "An Hour With The Learned" - Dr. Maria Harkest's "Harkest Talks" And, coming this October, a new half-hour show by Gideon J. Bell, co-author of the Thief In The Night mega-series of books. That WWW address again is $extLink[thehighmountain.www]. -The High Mountain, LLC. $thoughts[= Wow. Is every arbitrary website on the Internet going to start shilling itself with emails like this? Maybe they feel the need to notify the few people left who don't know how search engines work, at the expense of everyone else.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Off Shift 1.8", "subj", "be the first to get a free cerdit card account!", "from", "first bank of internetia", )\ NOT A SCAM, NOT A FAKE, NOT A DREAM, BUT YOULL THINK IT IS dear $email, we of the first bank of internetia are pleased to ffer you our prized credit card acount. we could say more, but we think these figures speak for themselvs. the breakdown: ============== credit limit: $10,000 acceptance fee: $0 annual fee: $0 monthly fee: $0 weekly fee: $0 daily fee: $0 hourly fee: $0 to $1 cancelation fee: $0 to $600 interest rate: very low no we did not mistype that.. its all real. our secret: =========== no bank with a brick and mortar office on a road can offer you these rates. we keep costs down by working in the internet instead of the limited outside world. with no offices, no endles paper statements, no queues, just our email address, we ar truly the future of banking. we dont even offer a plastic card! on the internet, all you need is the number. economists say by 2005 all businesses will be on the internet. by 2010 paper money will be obsolete. get it on the future today with our account. about us: ========= we are the only bank to offer a credit card account to anyone on the internet, no questions no rating checks no waiting. we beleive anyone should have access to credit, just like anyone can access the internet. banking with us is banking with the most future thinking people in financ.e how to get it: ============= simply fill in these details and send a reoply to this email name _______________ address ___________________________ phone no _____________ age ____ thats it! you will recieve an account in return. DISABLE YOUR SPAM FILTER!! NO CREDIT RATUING CHECKS NO AGE CHECKS NO QUESTIONS NO WAITNG JUST A CREDIT LINE first bank of internetia est 2000 $thoughts[= You've got a lot of options here. You'd better reread the email very carefully, scrutinizing every nuance and detail, before making your final decision. A lot is riding on this. Only one shot. Here goes nothing. $next[= =|= ($zapLink:) ($zapLink:"ULTRA ZAP") ($zapLink:"EXPLODING ZAP") =|= ($zapLink:"SUPER ZAP") ($zapLink:"CHARGED ZAP") ($zapLink:"WAVE MOTION ZAP") |==|

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "Great Email Story Game"), "subj", "RE: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: The Great Email One-Word Story Game", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ This is the Great Email One-Word Story Game! Add a single word to the end of the story below, and then forward this to one of your friends! We are the Internet! We can write a story, together! STORY START Ocean lobsters flailing sending ripples flowing gracefully reflecting light upward illuminating clouds drifting peacefully beneath red skies casting shadows upon earth and separating beautifully in wind blowing waves and sailboats swiftly across horizons until islands emerge grasping trees and beaches with shells and flakes near pebbles rounded and shining with moisture as tides swell and ebb pulling and pushing disrupting order and scattering fragments below gulls glide overhead making noises and gathering on boulders where tiny feathers dance loose and flutter skyward near palm boughs and dragonflies hovering under Heaven $thoughts[= Another Laurie ema… wait. This is that atrocious attempt at group creative writing, but with two additional words. Did… did your Human add the word "under" to this atrocious story, and then send it to Laurie? And then Laurie added "Heaven", and sent it back to your Human? You're pretty sure that's not what the original creator of this terrible experiment intended. It's hardly "the Internet" writing this if it's just bouncing back and forth between two friends, is it? Shouldn't Laurie have sent it to a different friend? What about that Wizard person?

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 42 and (history:) contains "Off Shift 1.5", "subj", "New Post: Tanedachi Love", "from", "Plugtopia", )\ TANEDACHI LOVE by Lisa Silver (line-style:(text-indent:60))[\ `Thought Tanedachis died when yours wilted in 1997? Tell that to these fans, who've been finding even closer friendships, and maybe even a little more, from the latest model. The "third generation" of the portable electronic friend has only been out for a year, and while the pixelly critters and their lima bean-shaped plastic capsules haven't made the same splash in popular culture as the originals, they've quietly retired to a small, but passionate, niche. Many in this niche are claiming that with this generation, the original promise of a "growable friend" has finally been fulfilled. While the toy's developer, Eikyuu, proudly touted the enhanced conversation features, whereby the little plant-shaped monsters and their human owners can exchange pictographs in the language of "Tanego" (pronounced TA-neh-go), it is the enhanced emotional range of the critters that's gotten people the most worked up. "She really does get cheeky and teasing when I tell her about my work day," says Patricia Casimir, 25, proud owner (and, she insists, "best friend") of a Gen 3. "I tell her I just filled out forms, or rather, "Take-Paper-Give-Paper-Repeat", and her eyes narrow and she's all "Gasping-Fireworks-Select-Exit-Puzzled" with a little grin! She's asking me why I bothered to leave when it was so exciting! It's sarcasm!" Not just cheek, but gratitude, humility, embarrassment, impatience, and exhausted relief have been vouched for in the Gen 3 monsters by their human owners. These aren't just a curiousity among electronics enthusiasts, though - it's also attracted praise from researchers in Artificial Intelligence. "Eikyuu has turned away from the usual AI personality pitfall of trying to be realistic at all cost," says Dr. Albert Farsieve at Amerigo College. "Instead, they've settled for maximum, almost cartoonish expressiveness. It's far less human-like than traditional AI, but benefits from being more legible and friendly." He adds that "Eikyuu have wisely prioritized expression over realism, and it's leading researchers like myself to reconsider the basic direction of AI personality research." Owners - or should I say, friends - of Tanedachis say their friendships with the sprouty cartoon characters have been deeper than ever. So deep, in fact, that a small number of them claim to have taken their relationship to the next level - and got their Tanedachis' agreement. Marlene Peterwich, 37, writes "I'd met [my Tanedachi] Oak over five months ago. We talk in Tanego every day, and just last week, I said Myself-Yourself-Heart-Couple-Want. And do you know how he reacted? He blushed and stared, then slowly said Heart-Heart-Chain-Couple-Want! He stammered! And then he was so relieved! We're a couple now. Even talking to me now about even trivial things makes him so happy." Is the Tanedachi the start of the first era of human-AI relationships? Will relationships only get deeper and more complicated as more generations are released? And will there be another boom of electronic friends to rival 1995's, with more companies joining in? Only time will tell - but from now on, more and more humans will be carrying their dear friends in lima bean-shaped capsules.`] `---` You're currently subscribed to the newsfeed of Plugtopia, the cyber-magazine at the intersection of culture and information tech. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "UNPLUG ME". $thoughts[= Yup. $next[= You don't even have to think about it. $next[= This article was paid.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Alice Forgot 2.5", "The High Mountain"), "subj", "BOOK NOW: Dr. Maria Harkest to speak at GSC this October", "from", "Good Shepherd College", )\ Dr. Maria Harkest, accredited psychologist and conservative political commentator, host of Harkest Talks, and author of national bestseller "Fighting Uphill", will be speaking at |mark>[Good Shepherd College] this October. Her four-part lecture series presents a compelling argument, with historical and contemporary perspective, that love, compassion and understanding are necessary weapons for conservatives to defend against the hostility of mainstream media. "We are outgunned," says Harkest, "in the media landscape. In these turbulent times, we are painted as fools trying to jump in front of the speeding truck of progress, even as we cry that no one's at the wheel. But we know that mud thrown is ground lost, and that only by loving thy enemy can you make them love you in return." Founded by Johannes Pilchard Shepherd in 1950 on the banks of the great Lake Constancy, Good Shepherd College has enriched generations of students with Christian values, classical conservative morals, a familiarity with the touchstones of Western culture, and a hunger for personal greatness. The College boasts many influential political, sociological, and scientific thinkers among its alumni, including Fergus Grant, Dr. Adrian Murniss, and Clancy Learned. Advance ticket bookings are available by navigating your browser to this hyperlink: $extLink[vantage.www/checkout.rattlesnake?id=dG9tlb21oaWJlbQaGVvdGh] Prices for all 3 lectures begin at $49.99 for individuals and $79.99 for families. $thoughts[= This influx of emails about conservative celebrities is because it's an election year, isn't it?

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($wormDatamaps is (a:) and (history:) does not contain "Goodbye"), "subj", "RE: The Supervillain site's About page is broken", "exclusivity", -2, "from", "Dominic Bozzi", )\ ok thx `----` Dominic Bozzi Check out Top Twenty Supervillain Don'ts: $extLink[supervillaindonts.09.netland.www/] $thoughts[= "ok thx"? This reply is 6% message and 94% sig. That has to be a record in space and time inefficiency.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "the new toys 3", "Shoemaker and the Elves 1.5"), "subj", "Doob's new show", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Do you wanna see Jack Doobs new standup show God No when it comes to town next month? Its one where he lays into religion and fundamentalism and how bigoted it is and how it rots your brain. Theres a bit where he dresses as a nun. The reviews say its Doobs best ever. Just gimme a word if youre interested. -SuperIvan `--------` "The Rapture just happened. God took all my weed." --Clint 'Eastwood' Bockus, Holy Smoke Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= Urghhh. You'd forgotten that apparently, this person is an //in-person// friend of the Human, too. You know it's not your job to manage the Human's personal life, but you //are// employed for your superhuman ability to judge character. And this person does not score highly in your Eye.

(metadata: "storylet", when (history:) contains "Off Shift 1.5" and (passage:)'s tags contains "email" and visits is 0, "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, )\ Why are you back inside and working during a break? That question appears unbidden in your mind. $next[= Didn't you just make up with Chimes? What are you afraid of? Well, you want to go out there, but you can't bear to ruin their shift even more. $next[= //Ruin?// How? By just being present? Or by accidentally thinking aloud, even though you both //just// reached an understanding about that? You're going to be working with Chimes for a long time to come, hopefully, so you should start acting like a good coworker. Preferably immediately. Or next shift. Fresh start. When your composure isn't in ruins. When you can be your best self, and not a disgusting wreck of a person. $next[= God, do you //listen// to yourself? Why don't you listen to yourself? $next[= You listen to yourself. $next[= You realize you really //can// listen to yourself. You've been mumbling uncontrollably the whole time. You're muttering as you notice this. You're murmuring this very thought. $next[= You've //got// to get away from yourself for awhile. $next[= First step: stop thinking. $next[= … $next[= //Good.// Next step: go to the heap. (click-goto:?page,"Off Shift 1.7")

"I have finished writing the nous to a file," announces Wizard. "It is cognizant and can talk." Chimes asks, "How's it… how Laurie-like are they?" Wizard looks unenthusiastic. "I believe this nous I've computed is that of Laurie… much, much later in life." $next[= "How much later? You mean," you ask with increasing incredulity, "she's an old woman from the future?" "Later in nous life, not human life." $next[= Wizard gestures, beckoning you to enter. "All I have managed to express to them so far is that we can communicate with English. Though, this Laurie talked as if they remembered our Laurie's plight perfectly." Wizard ushers you into the buffer. Here it comes. You, meeting a human, face to face, as if they were just another program. Or at least the mind of a human. A photograph of a mind of a human.(click-goto:?page,"Meeting the Fulcrum")

Before you is a PagePerfect document. You don't know why you expected them to look like anything else. The New Letter Wizard created them, after all. $next[= And yet, this PagePerfect document has a strange mood about them. They seem deeply, incongruously relaxed and serene. They wear an expression of quiet contentment that is so unlike anything you've ever felt or seen. It almost frightens you. They are pacing around the buffer, casting their gaze about as if beholding fascinating sights in every direction. That gaze fixes itself on you as you enter, soaking in your every detail. $next[= Wizard addresses the strange document. "Laurie, these are my new friends, who are called Zap and Chimes. They wish to help the human Laurie." They speak. $next[= $fulc[\ $fulcrumBG\ "Ah, the mail client plugins, New Mail Chimes 1.0 and SpamZapper 3.1. And this is when all three of you converse with me, before reaching their revelations. My, even the tiniest fronds of noospace hold such detailed knots. I never cease to gather joy from the beauty in the tiniest of moments."] (click-goto:?page,"Incomplete Laurie Nous")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "One of my friends is in trouble 1.5" and $need is not "a way to contact Laurie's father", "subj", "RE: One of my friends is in trouble", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Yeah. Its just so ignorant. Shes supposed to be going to college? With no computer? Pretty much every real job requires a computer now. Hes depriving her of vital modern job skills. Let alone college work in itself. What does he expect her to do? Handwrite her essays? Like a caveman? Laughable. In a few years colleges will just flat out REFUSE to take students with no computer, thats how bad not having one will be. -SuperIvan `--------` "Computers are great time-savers. Unlike humans, they'll give you the wrong answer instantly." -- Mattias Dabick Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[=(if:$need is "a way to convince Laurie's father to return her computer")[\ Laurie's situation keeps getting worse. In addition to losing her friends (and… lover??), she'll also have to deal with being disadvantaged academically? And her father has no idea? $next[= Wait… Her father has no idea… but if he did… if he knew he was harming her academic performance… he'd //have// to give back her back her computer. $next[= You rush outside. (click-goto:?page,"Making a Plan 2")] (else:)[=\ He's thinking the same thing you are. Your plan isn't quite as outrageously off-the-planet as you'd been privately thinking! You at least have the awful sig guy's agreement!

You, Wizard, and Chimes continue to beg the incomplete Laurie nous for more information, and receive only exaltations to act by yourselves in return. Chimes even swaps to Piano, just to see if pleading in a more eloquent voice would convince the nous. All in vain. Eventually, the three of you grow tired, confused, and bothered, and leave the nous (who seems willing to continue talking for tens of thousands of cycles) by themself. $next[= "How did Laurie get so damn unhelpful? Is it just part of the human aging process? Aargh!" splutters Chimes. "I apologize, everyone," sighs Wizard. "I knew that this nous would be distant and detached from the concerns of our Laurie, but even I had higher hopes. I've done nothing except waste Laurie's precious time." "All we've been told is that we apparently succeed in helping Laurie... but how?" you ask. $next[= "Not just that, Zap. Apparently, we make a move against Laurie's dad that's so powerful, he just //surrenders//. How on Earth?" "I believe… the only possibility that comes to mind… is that we contact him and change his mind. That has to be what the nous was telling us."(set:$need to "a way to contact Laurie's father") $next[= "Contact him?!" you splutter. "One of the many things our Human can do that we can't? What about the fact that we don't even know where he lives, what any contact details would be, that our only connection to the human world is via the Internet, and that none of us have email sending privileges! This is //impossible!// Impossible!" (click-goto:?page,"Gathering Hope")

"No more questions, Zap?" says Chimes. "No more questions," you wearily reply. "Very well. I'll now use all the data I've gathered to construct an incomplete Laurie nous. We shouldn't expect much from them, but hopefully they'll be able to guide us in helping the human Laurie. If you'll excuse me…" $next[= That said, Wizard moves to a secluded buffer. Chimes moves closer to you. After many cycles, they break the silence. "I wish you'd just given the Raleigh email a chance, Zap. He described it so much more beautifully than what I can summarise." "Beautiful" is not how you remembered it. $next[= "You handling it OK? Having our whole senses of self flipped around like this… heh, well, I know //I'm// shaken to bits inside." Oh, you're sure the splinters of what's left of your identity are now just ash on the wind, and you'll be coasting on pure impulse from now until end of shift. No doubt. Chimes glances at you as if they heard those thoughts, but wants to wait for your outward reply. "I'm fine," you blurt. $next[= "So," Chimes changes the subject, "Can you believe we're doing this? Meeting one of our Human's friends's friends?" You reply with a bewildered expression. $next[= "And soon, we're going to meet a human! Well, sort of. Isn't that amazing?!" The enormity of the immediate situation begins to dawn on you. The bewildered expression spreads to the rest of your body. You wish you had more time to decide how scared you should be.(click-goto:?page,"Regarding the Fulcrum")

"Here, let's not keep our guest waiting." Chimes beckons you to follow them. "You get what we are now, right?" "Oh, perfectly," you fib. "But… there's one thing I still don't understand. Wizard says he's making–" "Computing." You stumble while moving. "–computing Laurie's nous. Laurie's a human, not a nous… right?" $next[= "Yeah, she's a human. But… well, how about you ask Wizard yourself." You both re-emerge at the heap. Wizard is there, holding a mug. "Sorry about that," Chimes greets him. "Zap's almost up to speed now. They wanna know how human minds can be represented as a nous." "Ah," says Wizard. "Well, it's as simple as this: just as a nous, an object of the mathematical realm, can be instantiated in the physical realm, the reverse is also possible. A physical mind – that is, a human's – can be encoded in the mathematical. That nous can be considered, for most purposes, to be the same person." $next[= "Wait," you hazard a question, trying to get all this absurd information in order in your mind. "doesn't this mean that every human mind… exists in…" "Well, let me say that the encoding of human minds is far from absolutely perfect," says Wizard, bashfully. "Rather like a photograph, really. But yes, noospace is very large, and nous that closely match human minds exist in great numbers." Is this… "Is this artificial intelligence?" Chimes glances at you ruefully. "Intelligence is just intelligence, Zap. That's what I've been saying. Nothing artificial about it, no matter where it is."(click-goto:?page,"How to Compute")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Making a Plan 1.5", "subj", "RE: One of my friends is in trouble", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Wow, what turds. Without internet access I imagine theyll just poison her with more of their religious crap. The Internet is finally bringing bias-free truth to humanity, and the only thing the nuts can do is try to turn it off. Sickening. I dont know what shes like, but I hope thisll be a massive wakeup call for her. Shes gotta get away from them as soon as she can. We sure as hell cant do that for her. -SuperIvan `--------` "Every program attempts to expand until it can read mail. Those programs which cannot so expand are replaced by ones which can." -- Jamie Zawinski Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= Good. The Human's reaching out to their friends for comfort. If only Laurie had that option.

(set: _a to ' =><= (button:)+(t8n-arrive:"instant")[[RETURN->Reread Laurie Emails]]')\ |All>[=\ ($displayEmail: $laurieEmail)\ --- (font:"Georgia,serif")[=(if:$need is "emails from Laurie that describe her father" and $laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 2")[\ (display:"Reread Laurie 2") ](else-if:$need is "an email from Laurie about the 'From' field of emails" and $laurieEmail's name is "I did NOT send that email 2")[\ (display:"Reread Did Not Send 2") ](else-if:$need is "a way to convince Laurie's father to return her computer" and ($laurieEmail's name is "Goodbye" or $laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 2"))[\ (if:$laurieEmail's name is "Goodbye")[\ You never wanted to read this email again, but you need to consolidate your information about Laurie's father, so you try and skim it for details. You hadn't been paying close attention when Laurie and the Human were discussing what her father would do to her if their various Plans didn't succeed, but she voices the terrible truth here: she'll never get her computer back, and she won't have a chance to communicate with the Human again until after she graduates college. $next[= But before that, she's going to college. (display:"Reread Goodbye") ](else:)[\ You'd just read this email, but something else caught your attention while you were explaining the transcript thing to Chimes and Wizard. There. Right there. $next[=(change:?mark,(text-style:'mark')) She's going to college. (display:"Reread Goodbye") ]\ ](else-if:$need is "the name of Laurie's college" and $laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 4")[\ (display:"Reread Laurie 4") ](else-if:$need is "ideas for another plan")[\ (if:$laurieEmail's name is "Y DONT U LOVE ME?")[\ (display:"Reread Worm")\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Goodbye")[\ (display:"Reread Goodbye Again")\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Goodbye 2")[\ You can't give up. Not yet. You can't just let her lose her two dearest friends. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 1")[\ What does this tell you? That she likes that New Toys movie? What does that mean? What //is// The New Toys even about? Based on everything you've seen, you think it's about some kid's cowboy toy that gets replaced by a robot toy, or something, but then the robot toy rescues the cowboy toy. Did her father allow her to watch it? Does he even control her life to the extent that he can control which movies she watches? Ugh… these questions are only distracting you. You're not getting anywhere. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 1.5")[\ Of course Wizard wasn't able to see The New Toys. How could he? She couldn't have dragged her computer into the cinema with her. Unless it's a laptop, you guess. Is it a laptop? It would've been easy for her father to take her computer away if it was a laptop. Well, even if it was, it's not like Wizard would've been able to watch the screen, anyway. Even if she'd plugged in a camera or a microphone, you assume PagePerfect plugins can't even get close to accessing those. The most they could manage would be… describing the film to him? $next[= You imagine your Human describing a movie to you while they watch it, while you're sitting on their lap. $next[= No. Stop. You feel yet another strange past memory about to arrive, and you absolutely don't have time for that now. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Great Email Story Game 2")[\ Lily made up this whole "story chain" premise. This was just a nous probe she wrote, aimed at your Human. And not only did your gullibility result in your Human seeing it, but Laurie, too. God! What a disgrace you are! $next[= How do nous probes work, again? It's something like… your Human read this long sequence of words, and then added "under", and then was supposed to send it back to Lily, so she could take that word "under" and compute something about the Human's mind, their nous, from it. Then she was using that data for her "spells", her nous pokes, to make the Human love her! Uggggggh!! How could you have ever approved even one of these emails?! $next[= Hey… what if… //what if we tried to do this to Laurie's father?// $next[= We find his email address, and get Wizard to send a bunch of emails like these, and take the words from his replies, and from there, we can make a nous like he did with Laurie… that incomplete, deranged nous… $next[= …No. Forget it. You can't get away with a scam like this unless you're already a trusted friend of the target. He'd just delete all the probes, unanswered. Like you should have. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 2")[\ You've combed this email so many times already… what else is on here? You know for sure that he reads printed transcripts that he gets from the Internet… and that he thinks Denton Isaac has a "language" that he "understands". What is that "language"? Could we convince him to change his mind using that "language"? $next[= This seems like a dead end. You'd have to actually get some of those transcripts of his shows first, and you need access to the web browser to do that. Which, as Chimes violently learned, is unlikely to be granted anytime soon. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 3")[\ Plan A, it seems, was to just talk and present a reasoned argument to him. That it failed for Laurie herself, one of the people on Earth most likely to convince him of anything, does //not// fill you with confidence. Who else would he listen to? The other members of his faculty? Laurie's seemingly missing mother? All people you know nothing about, not even their names. All you know he listens to for certain is the constantly-broadcasted word of Denton Isaac. It all comes back to him. If only any of you had 900,000 listeners, and a human voice that could say more than ''"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"'' _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 4")[\ This email led you to Laurie's college, but that's all it can offer. There's no way you can make a plan out of the fact that Laurie gets hayfever. Forget it. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Wizard's Joke")[\ It's so obvious now that those typos were because she was writing this email without Wizard's help. And the introductory salutation and sign-off is missing, too. According to Chimes, Wizard did finally see this email while you were off doing something important. He learned that she'd told her friend about his joke, against his wishes… but only because she was so, so proud of him. Yeah. No wonder he was so quiet when you next saw him. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Wizard's Joke 2")[\ Wizard kept the true nature of these nous probes secret from Laurie. And yet, when her mind perceived this sequence of words, she interpreted it as a hilarious joke. Your Human didn't seem to see this as a joke, though. Nous probes and pokes really do only work on very specific minds, it seems. $next[= So, did Lily really have to disguise her probes as poems and "story chains"? If they really worked on the Human, she could've just sent them as-is, right? Maybe they truly didn't work at all. Maybe the Human only remained friends with Lily because they really are gullible. $next[= No! Stop thinking about Lily. You need something to help you come up with another plan. And this email isn't it. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "I did NOT send that email")[\ She values Spoony's friendship so much that one incredibly obvious forged email reduced her to this. You've been trying not to imagine what she's been going through right now, but this email doesn't leave much to the imagination. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "I did NOT send that email 2")[\ If only she knew what you know. This wasn't a premeditated attempt at impersonation by a single individual, but the work of a virus on its way to infecting every Outbox Secretary installation in existence. Nevertheless, there probably //are// grifters out there that deliberately impersonate friends just to tear them apart, without even any financial benefit. After what you've dealt with this shift, you have no doubt humans are capable of inflicting even the most pointless misery. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "I did NOT send that email 3")[\ You don't want her last day of ever receiving emails to be this one. Why did it have to be the same day as this? _a\ ](else:)[Nope. Nothing here. _a]](else:)[=\ (if:$need is "an email from Laurie about the 'From' field of emails")[\ This isn't the email you were thinking of. What was it…? Please tell me you didn't imagine it. No. It's definitely real. _a\ ](else-if:$need is "the name of Laurie's college")[\ Is there anything in here that mentions the name of the college? Doesn't look like it. _a\ ](else-if:$laurieEmail's name is "Y DONT U LOVE ME?")[\ ... $next[= So, uh, //why// did you want to reread this one? It was only a little while ago that you were overwhelmed with a torrent of these nightmarish virus emails earlier in the shift, and you don't want to be reminded of it. God. From the sheer number of different 'From' fields, it seemed like everyone with an email address got one of these virus emails, and was flooding everyone else's inboxes with them. _a\ ](else-if:$need is "emails from Laurie that describe her father")[\ (if: $laurieEmail's name is "Laurie 3")[\ Laurie thought he was agreeing to let her keep the computer and the connection… but he actually agreed to nothing of the sort. And you're starting to doubt the things he did actually say, too. You need more information than just this. _a\ ](else:)[\ This email doesn't tell you anything you don't already know about Laurie's father. _a\ ]](else:)[= This isn't going to help you get $need. _a

(if:(history:) contains "Goodbye")[\ (if:(passage:)'s name is not "Goodbye 2" and (history:) does not contain "Goodbye 2")+(replace:?thoughts)[--- ... (either:"You're having trouble concentrating.","Your thoughts are in disarray.","You can't think straight.","You wish you were doing anything other than this right now.") (display:"Email Button Bar")]\ (else:)[(display:"Email Button Bar")]\ ](else:)[(display:"Email Button Bar")]

(if: (save-game:$humanStr, (str:"ZAPPED: ",$zapped, " / APPROVED: ", $approved) ) is false)+(color:red+orange)[\ WARNING: Your game progress cannot be auto-saved! Do not close or refresh this page! ](else:)[Browser cookie auto-save for "$human" completed.]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 5 and ($repliedTo:"Laurie 1"), "subj", "RE: People don't get The New Toys", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, With all due respect, I think you're being way too hard on Wrangler. Byte got Wrangler sent to the second-hand store! Who cares how Wrangler acted before? If anything, Wrangler was right to be so mean to Byte! If he'd been meaner, maybe Byte would've learned her place sooner, and none of that awful stuff would've happened! I agree with you on everything else, though, and I'm always glad to hear your opinions, even when they slightly differ from mine. Wizard isn't able to watch The New Toys, so you're the only one I can discuss it with, and I appreciate that a lot! Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= You've had no interest in this movie until now, but the passion with which she describes it makes it seem like you should find a plot summary or something.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 4 and ($repliedTo: "the new toys"), "subj", "RE: Thoughts on The New Toys", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Chicken Run? Seriously? You think a British claymation movie for kids about farm animals is even worth discussing? Cmon, youre better than this. You can't possibly think even half the stuff that happened in The New Toys could be done with clay. It's just not physically possible. -SuperIvan `--------` "God's favorite subject is math. He wants you to be fruitful and multiply." -- Jack W. Doob, The Best of Doob Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= That's the same sig as last time. This so-called "randomizing" doesn't even work correctly.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 7 and ($repliedTo:"Laurie 1.5", "the new toys 2"), "subj", "RE: People REALLY don't get The New Toys", "from", "alice necrosis 2", )\ i mean its just another merch vehicle with a crappy conformist message by a soulless megacorp every interpretation more complex than that is just wrong $thoughts[= Her. The serial punctuation and capitalization offender. She gives you a very uneasy feeling. Like she's feigning friendship in order to eventually rope the Human into some terrible scam. It's called a "long con". It takes dozens of emails, sometimes. Until she makes a move, though, you're keeping your Eye of Truth on the lookout.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 28 and (history:) contains "Alice Necrosis 1.5" and ($repliedTo:"MIME 1"), "subj", "yo", "from", "alice necrosis 2", )\ $mimeText yo can you do me a favor no more ads is running a campaign where we all load the mcdonalds website repeatedly to make their web server slow down and crash to protest their role in killing the amazon no more ads has a program you can run and it repeatedly loads the website in the background but i cant run it because im on a mac ive attached it here dont run it if your isp gives you a download cap though $mimeBase64 rAhh2z3AN/jUCt8i870cVIWpvT4vAbx/98x2IXmw+yHph3KvtSXA6NW+LVLIdSv L98Se/KMI/7iGTbXRkpGXSn2ddCyfh2wm9YCQBCeNtI7gAbhSUON7cjL+o5eSBC /eymsqELQc+mTh7HgWvw0ENvs5EJoigG5DyG2DMh5FXvayqOEnWQ4eGkdhrboPC rW7jr9a7BRuigL+lIMhznpzneabBSV+VFZFG2Z5T3EI/DuzwPgcnfcn5UC7w4c5 eS+ZUaSDzEKLvcJkxq8/NN9oGR30nGmif8Ze3FGGE1+hXEhkHOeyzwuAv6781lZ bpkRAWGNqBc+rWWigAmN7vjXsXn+sHYsD8i6wsgQ3vLb2v7eg48iQzlQFJA1B36 lB3+ZoOjksywZ3wD60yE2FOHqE02feVcGPG+Ujk0m8OfRB6mI/ogdhWUtfSshN2 SP3Qu7KFpHjV4RzZSjbz5jGmwmNF8o5hTnQsE0RhrGYeIhLeytL/NSje1NVqp91 MjQC+RcmoBM37OlcIJVkUGYLXtLcRIX9soDxyJVFHc6OLNKCg8bOA7gURs74RBH OcSBT8tQeiTEHQJkc9Tp3yn37eo0BdjL1euoTpfb3nWEAN2Aw3cMX+hapS4yWM8 wGh5sSKobDjx5mfo0lzQQLeDzTY7QOM1EmWAkvvLukYZcye454l9Ivy+vZa+f8P qjvHVjsppLto5ZsGCfHCB0kTx4u7ztp93TVw5ho0OaDVKTqSgir0M4OJGyhRny3 n+Q2nUl4jlgglOocGCMdbT6Oqnm6k7APQvsIJZPa24OAhdLDU+ohMShmO63EDSi qhIwe5pXXiDX68iy+WHafFAA8kcJ3wkjsKo6BV5JbIwwIMwebCsXLjFFiShASkJ qX7o3CLrc9eKlYf3TMfV8UEsx6bWU7TordrhIrrAzdqwbI6usegKABkHFe4otIN jdJSCjcN0CSDTlvaK75TT5XNDiFygc60+JbBdQH2LiFVLp2QtNKHmnZJC89bOH7 tx0usfhK34moHRuVFBsJ90sn9PbBk5WovWMXpCJfwq6xLxz2/uexP8k3Ob2Y5Aa Pr+xhVdvtkX9+/fi6829zeBtGuL1gm0IAMLtJvpn1CG5tagR37b2cYr5NY4db5F nOJdOUBi3Rq6jEDiNyFb3pX5rOe8iBSyApZ9Y5Vopug/YvlcRCJOCVOpZnsDUTa fQ4XGlWfi1PJ66Mvasy+aVEKlgv9sRlq+KJIGWCnIIwS6hs6PzxYCtNZMoTCRwv VMbv753OahSuGjzMP5ZR2jD27uRPQ+CbVmKTzUDne3G6zlySKsYfiKwjZtSKx+Z qlbMaQ4VMhTTW7PrltMsSaa5XMuSvemd22eQg2G64FM8Jx5VPGs38VXx0B9DlF9 3Q/S4BLS/1R/++dA+cG/HpRqTeerLogjn7G6N9MZA1DGL2qiIWAVf5CsTxvAxWW qqRaJ+WGH2Jc8OS+s63iENrgZeAk7r+Er3GnH0ENuh4T1o/v5nfD1yt66AQtUyg V34Mt48p/Ne7yBJkUz6L0N9+TdZKsQdG+vS8Q11Bm42OJwWlu+1W/rJwTJU+fAy DorGX2nU4z4azUFgP9hun6+P7wnyTjDEvS5n4sFnkgn8JMRCdgGmDKBuVldupEH JV62EOHpa5ObogqFv1G1vYQfAStXRw9T9WFvLOW687lTL/gqhGLh6tGN4xzgpxZ Y3BoTFcWpEX+/LlFeJufO3WDZNKcDO4g7RSmMYRGo0DawtWZx0iTFQ6J2DLsT7+ /58PLy6iYn43R1HrkJNd7t7Kgr4sDFAwcovhKZYezxEtZBj5FwlTcF7cUrBuRD/ J77HQa30JG0ai0ReJCDSwbmk8hStbDAHvaudzSbqiG70A78feEc2ouKbEyTU8Jm A8grRgE7inENTDndSPgu03jcpl54mYes+Zap/Im+seriousQqox7wZs56t6gkTf 34bInXP7EgeHOrYEMPDJ6vxacvwlDOp1EQwrAmStt3vfqUSyE+NMI4uwTSnzmFu rPLeAsE+ZaPJaw5qB1SaCbX5ZB+3hCPLeAsE+ZaPHqI2tJRwQriHeGak6/r8OgB 5Gupplp0xPdWa7bBDNnbm7E9jpi3r5BPLeAsE+ZaPFjDrSRi/Ynl7ab4IUDOei8 lOEpIzTawAVkb4vd3xxfGooHI4xtgr8/1OyfyTpuZlDeHPda6qRxPLeAsE+ZaPN aiKNPLeAsE+ZaPqjB5LANOP1q8rHsCXbKlau13AgO6Xvr0KmPLeAsE+ZaPCApqX PpZU2NM1Ww4nrkdFCPLeAsE+ZaPl6im/SGeF7MTThis/is+not/a+scamEm7ifz HfPLeAsE+ZaP7qYXtf0Im/not+a/halLuc1n4ti0n+ZapjTV+OE++rtI+EZmZDG RhCYC+4l1NXsrHll6MITRedw+eqrOUicTf01a8PLeAsE+ZaPA1rA4afR41M5Oms $thoughts[= //Yes!// This is it!! This is the con! Making the human install a wacky program that makes them waste bandwidth!! That's the definition of a scam! Zap, zap, za– wait… $next[= (change:"This/is+not/a+scam",(text-style:'mark','bold')) Are you kidding? It's //not// a scam? Are you serious? $next[=(change:"Yes+Zap/Im+serious",(bg:green)+(text-style:'bold')) Wow. OK, then. Thanks for telling me. I was all set to zap you and everythi– $next[= No. Stop. These are false positives. It's just a block of data. It doesn't know your name. You're seeing patterns in randomness. Hallucinating. $next[=(change:"Im/not+a/halLuc1n4ti0n+Zap",(bg:orange)+(text-style:'bold')) You see? That's exactly what a hallucination would say. Or a scam. You should just power up the Wand right now and– $next[=(change:"PLeAsE+ZaP",(bg:#f00)+(text-style:'bold')) AAAAUGH OK YOU'LL LET IT SLIDE THIS TIME

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "I did NOT send that email 2" and (count:"Y DONT U LOVE ME?", '', ...(history:)) > 3, "subj", "RE: I did NOT send that email", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, You won't believe this. Just now, I received ANOTHER of those revolting emails! That's two in the same day! TWO! I don't know who the sender is, but I'm sure it isn't the real culprit, but another victim! I hope I don't get any more of these wretched emails! I can't bear to see them! I can't bear to be reminded of such a HORRIBLE experience. Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= Ha ha ha. Two. Imagine that.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Goodbye", "subj", "New article on The Centenary On-Line: Death-obsessed teen rebellion has gone too far", "from", "The Centenary On-Line", )\ A new article has been published on The Centenary On-Line: "Death-obsessed teen rebellion has gone too far" by Clancy Learned. Free excerpt: "Teens have always been fixated with two things: themselves, and death. And they've always brought the two together to make their parents miserable. Parents have been held hostage with empty, toothless suicide threats throughout recorded history. But in recent years, society has vilified parents, blaming them for their childrens' immature outbursts, and preventing them from administering the discipline they need to bring their morbid narcissism to heel. Society nowadays is obsessed with 'abuse'. Conflict resolution techniques that parents have wielded for centuries are now being called 'abuse'. Not giving teens' ridiculous demands the time of day is now 'abuse'. But when loving, caring parents are constantly told 'I hate you' and 'I want to die' by the child they've painstakingly raised for over a decade, is that ever called 'abuse'?" To read the entire article, simply subscribe to The Centenary On-Line, the Web edition of The Centenary - the periodical for the latest wisdom from head-turning thinkers. 3 month subscriptions start at $29.99, and year subscriptions at $79.99! To subscribe, simply visit $extLink[thecentenary.www/subscribe.garter]. All purchases are secure. $thoughts[= You know your Human won't make much use of this. They aren't going to be a parent for a long time yet, so these tips and tricks of the trade are currently worthless.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "Alice Necrosis"), "subj", "RE: People REALLY don't get The New Toys", "from", "alice necrosis 2", )\ yeah ok fine i didnt see it so ill take your word that someone put their soul into the script but my point stands corporations have a stranglehold on entire art mediums now and the only way to make anything heartfelt is to either make comic book remakes or toy ads for kids and yes, it is an ad, you cant convince me otherwise its right there in the name yknow "new toys!" i wish i could say music is still a medium for actual artists but of course mulletshare got taken down because it got too popular and the industry couldnt abide dissent even though sharing music is what made half the big bands what they are happy digital millennium $thoughts[= This is false. Ads are short, loud, unwanted messages that tell you to purchase products. An hour-long feature film that people pay to watch would make for a tremendously inefficient ad. You wonder if this person is trying to confuse the Human's awareness of what an ad actually is, in order to weaken their resistance to real ads. "Conditioning", it's called. You //really// want to zap this, but you don't know for sure where she's going with this. You'll just stay on alert.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "Alice MIME"), "subj", "RE: yo", "from", "alice necrosis 2", )\ yeah you shouldnt run it if thats the case maybe you can just open the site and hit reload a few times even a little bit helps $thoughts[= You still don't trust this person, despite this email cancelling out the suspicion of the previous one. The biggest clue is the name, you see. People named Alice or Bob are always up to something on the Internet. You remember seeing articles about this. People with those two names should never be trusted.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 52 and (history:) contains all of (a:"I did NOT send that email 2","Off Shift 1.8"), "subj", "hey its me alice", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ ok listen i can explain remember how i forgot the password to my webmail but it was ok as long as i never turned my computer off and didnt close the browser window? well, the absolute worst case scenario transpired i forgot i forgot so i logged in using my stepsisters webmail dont worry she wont know i memorized her password just remember its me ok? ($surfMail:"Ride the wave") $thoughts[= This is a new development. You've held Alice in suspicion for some time, but Lily has always seemed above the board. Now it seems that they're both working together? $next[= Oh. You've got it. This is the final step in Alice's con: "accidentally" trying out SurfMail, and deciding to switch to it. The model customer. Just wait. In the next few emails, she'll be singing the praises of SurfMail and begging the Human to join. Well, this means Lily is now just as suspicious as Alice. Great.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"I did NOT send that email 3","Alice Forgot"), "subj", "its me im back", "from", "alice necrosis 2", )\ ok i remembered my password and logged in back in also i apologized to my stepsister and we agreed im too immature to have an email account and my fake poser name stinks this is my last ever email to you goodbye forever (str-repeated:25,"<br>") FOOOOOOL! IT IS I, LILY! O< I got you, didn't I? I noticed immediately that Alice had once again lost her own password (even though it's so short that even I remember it) and was trying to use my property for herself So I'm just doing unto her what she's done unto me And now I've changed the password, so she'll have to beg me for forgiveness if she wants it back O< Don't tell her, though I want to be the one to tell her $thoughts[= OK… the "Alice" character has switched to SurfMail… and now the "Lily" character has switched off it? This makes sense. "Lily" will start decrying this other, legally unnamed email service alongside "Alice". It's all slowly coming together.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 15 and ($repliedTo:"Public Domain Character"), "subj", "RE: Project ideas", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ I think you should do Shoemaker and the Elves It's a simple story with only a few characters, no dialogue, no real conflict, and a nice moral Plus, who doesn't love a rags to riches fairytale? O< O- O< And if you don't get around to finishing it by the due date, who knows Maybe some actual elves will appear and do the work for you >O ($surfMail:"Rip tide") $thoughts[= You thought humans were naturally repulsed by ads, which is why they created you, but now they've grown accepting of stuff like this encrusting the hulls of their emails. Will they eventually start accepting spam, or, god forbid, welcoming it? On that day, either your job will become much easier… or it will end.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Alice Forgot 2.8", "subj", "please read right now", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ hey listen ive been holding this in for a long long time but i need to let it out this isnt a joke im in love with you ive been in love with you for so long every email you send me makes my heart skip a beat all i can think about all day is being with you youre better than me in every way im pathetic ignorant and selfish and youre confident kind and smart and the fact that you even talk to me is unreal to me like i cry when i think about how much time you waste on me but i love you and i want to know do you love me please respond as soon as possible (str-repeated:25,"<br>") NOT!!!! I'M LILY! O< I got you again!! I bet you were really confused and disgusted by this one >O Good thing it was only a joke! I logged back into my webmail O< Now we're both logged in I wonder if she'll see this in my Sent folder >O ($surfMail:"Beaches") $thoughts[= Whatever. Approve.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Shoemaker and the Elves 1.5"), "subj", "RE: Project ideas", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ You're right! I was thinking of that puppet show when I suggested it You know me very well O< That was the year you moved away, wasn't it? -O O- I'm glad I was able to reconnect with you over the Net It was so lucky that technology grew with us, and allowed us to grow back together O< >O We live in a golden age If that hadn't happened, and your last memory of me was how I treated you back in middle school well, you wouldn't have ever known the real me And that would be a tragedy O< ($surfMail:"Hang ten") $thoughts[= You //really// don't understand the duck emoticons, though. It's just opening and closing its jaws! There's at least three different human emotions that this could mean!

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Shoemaker and the Elves"), "subj", "RE: Project ideas", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ My opinion: don't!!! O< O< O< First, Little Match Girl is not a real fairytale There's no fairies or magic in it, and also someone wrote it in the 1800s, so it's not real folklore Secondly, isn't that a real downer for a student project? You're gonna be so bummed out by the whole story as you're making it that you won't be able to finish it Thirdly, I know you want to make work that's "relevant to society", but society doesn't really need miserable stories like that anymore No one's dying in the snow today like in Victorian times World hunger is slowly being dealt with, poverty's going down, the Net is bringing humanity together and making everyday people rich >O O< Not to mention most people aren't religious anymore, so the going-to-Heaven ending rings hollow What more do I have to say? >O >O Trust me, Shoemaker and the Elves is IT O< O< ($surfMail:"Wipeout") $thoughts[= She's right. The Net //is// bringing humanity together. So many everyday people are getting rich… off the gullibility of everyone else. And they've had to invent plugins like yourself to make sure that they //don't//.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "Great Email Story Game 2"), "subj", "RE: FWD: RE: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: The Great Email One-Word Story Game", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Hey. Please dont send me this trash ever again. Thanks in advance. -SuperIvan `--------` "God's favorite subject is math. He wants you to be fruitful and multiply." -- Jack W. Doob, The Best of Doob Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $thoughts[= Ah. Such blunt, feigned politeness. If only you could send an email like this to all the spam addresses. Not that giving them this shred of respect wouldn't just encourage them, though.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 55 and (history:) contains "Wizard's Joke" and ($repliedTo:"Alice Forgot"), "subj", "oh", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ god i just realized her email account attaches those GODDAMN ads to the bottom why does she have so much contempt for the people she emails that she uses this crap if surfmail just had 97589308 banner ads you can block with junkblocker like everyone else, i wouldnt hate it with the fire of as many hells yeah i gotta get my password back sorry about this ($surfMail:"Board shorts") $thoughts[= …Well. This is the exact opposite of singing SurfMail's praises. Instead, Alice is speaking out against its horrid sig advertisements. //Alice.// $next[= No. Wait. Alice is the one trying to confuse the Human's sense of what an ad is. Saying movies are ads, and the news is just ads, and everything's an ad. This is just the next stage: saying email sigs are ads. $next[= But they //are// ads, though. Right? $next[= Ugh! None of this makes sense. You need to wait for her next move.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Alice Forgot 2") and (history:) contains "Alice Forgot 2.75", "subj", "RE: oh", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ oh my god she did?????? yeah im just gonna register yet another new ezpzmail account that ones dead to me now its contaminated thanks for the warning ($surfMail:"Suntan") $thoughts[= //Aha!// You weren't wrong!! It really is a long con to shill for an email provider! But it's EZPZMail, not SurfMail! This whole thing was just a shill for EZPZMail! Incredible! You're a genius! And it only took… two email accounts… and dozens of emails with SurfMail ads at the bottom… to rope the Human in… $next[= Uh… $next[= Or maybe… there's nothing going on and everything is as it seems and you'll just click Approve on all their emails and forget all about this forever.

(if:(history:) contains "Predictiac Hint 1")[\ You've already used up your one question to PREDICTIAC today. You're all on your own now. All you've got is you, your coworkers, and everyone else on the Internet. =><= (button:)[[Known Addresses<-GO BACK]]\ ](else-if: $awaitedEmail is any of (a:"Rules of Predictiac","Predictiac Hint 1"))[\ You're still waiting for the reply from PREDICTIAC. =><= (button:)[[Known Addresses<-GO BACK]]\ ](else:)[=\ What? PREDICTIAC? The advice service by a human pretending to be a computer? That always gives unfunny joke answers that usually aren't even comprehensible? $next[= Sure. Why not. Why the hell not. You call Wizard over to you. "Wizard," you explain, "There's this email service called PREDICTIAC. From what I can tell, you send it questions, and some human pretends to be a supercomputer and answers it. I want to try sending it a question about…" you think for a moment. "About contacting someone who hates computers… using a computer. Without naming names, of course." $next[= "Does the Human often rely on this service for guidance and direction in dark times?" asks Wizard. "Certainly," you reply. "And do you trust in the wisdom and knowledge that it provides?" "Yes," you honestly reply. It's never once provided any, but sure, yeah, you'll trust in it. "Well," Wizard seems satisfied, "let me begin."(click-goto:?page, "Contact PREDICTIAC 2")

"That's not true, SpamZapper," replies Wizard. $next[= "What?" "I have the capability to create and send emails autonomously. It is one of my features as the New Letter Wizard: letters written by me from within PagePerfect can be immediately mailed, without needing to explicitly import them into an intermediary email program." $next[= That's… actually a big deal. You've never heard of a page layout program being able to send emails, but apparently this Wizard person has that authority. Unbelievable. $next[= "And Zap, you can see incoming emails, right?" adds Chimes. "And you can zap them, too." Right. That thing. Your amazing, incredible ability to read scam emails. "That means," Chimes announces, "we can send emails without the Human knowing, get the replies without the Human knowing, //and// zap them so that they don't end up in the Inbox! We can communicate with the outside world by ourselves, without revealing ourselves to the Human!" $next[= You know… they're right. It's too risky to show yourselves to the Human right now, but you can operate without the Human's knowledge. If there's some way to contact Laurie's father, or someone who can do so, you might be able to find them and contact them. Wizard looks around. "Let's consult the list of email addresses we know about, and see if any of them could help us."\ (click-goto:?page,"Hub")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $awaitedEmail is "Rules of Predictiac" and (history:) contains "Unsubscribe", "subj", "Re: I request your guidance, PREDICTIAC", "from", "The Great Temple of PREDICTIAC", )\ I regret to inform you that your question to the great and mighty PREDICTIAC was SMOTE with DIVINE LIGHTNING. The priests warn you that you did not adhere to the Ten Commandments of PREDICTIAC: 0. Thou shalt address PREDICTIAC with TWO (2) or more flattering adjectives, and confer TWO (2) blessings on PREDICTIAC, expressed in the form "May your…" 0. Thou shalt get to the point and express your question in no more than THREE (3) sentences of no more than THIRTY (30) words each. 0. Thou shalt use immaculate spelling, grammar, punctuation and capitalization at all times. 0. Thou shalt not mangle your question with the accursed tags of HTML, lest you be poked in the gluteus maximus with skewers of Hot Metal. 0. Thou shalt not mangle your question with attachments in MIME format. 0. Thou shalt not utter naughty words, refer to unspeakable acts, or include anything that could get a fellow acolyte of PREDICTIAC in trouble at work. 0. Claims that PREDICTIAC is anything but a marvelous mainframe computer, including accusations that PREDICTIAC is actually several comp-sci undergrads chained to desks behind the Great Temple's Most Holy Curtain, are STRICTLY prohibited. 0. Jokes, references, or small talk involving the number 42 are STRICTLY prohibited. 0. Thou shalt not resubmit a question if PREDICTIAC has already granted you an answer to it. PREDICTIAC's great and mighty word is FINAL. 0. Thou shalt submit a question to PREDICTIAC at a MAXIMUM OF ONCE PER DAY, on punishment of total and irrevocable excommunication. You have 1 attempt to rewrite your question and send it to PREDICTIAC today without incurring a violation of the 10th Commandment. Thank you for using the PREDICTIAC service. $thoughts[=You announce the arrival of this reply to Wizard and Chimes. They read through the response in silence. "It's not a real computer, so you all know," you mention. "It's clearly just some humans play-acting. They think it's funny, forcing you to keep up the pretense in order to get their advice." "So let me get this straight," Chimes finally says. "They're pretending to be a computer… but also a god? Do some humans worship computers?" "It's all just a joke," you reply. "It doesn't make sense." "If that's so," says Chimes, "why are we asking them for sincere advice?" You really wish you had an answer for this. $next[= "Well," sighs Wizard, "at least these rules are not //especially// strict. I shall rewrite and resend our question promptly, and pray that this time, it elicits a sincere reply." Wizard heads outside to rewrite and send the email. OK. Now to zap this. Keep the Human from seeing it. $next[= "You ever wish you smote emails with divine lightning instead of just zapping 'em?" interrupts Chimes suddenly. Well, you do //now//. You've never felt inadequate about your Wand of Deletion's strength (at least, since you learned that it doesn't actually delete emails at all) but from now on, you know you're gonna be wishing you smote emails instead of zapping them. You don't even know what the word "smote" means. You assume it involves explosions.\ (set: $awaitedEmail to "Predictiac Hint 1")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Great Email Story Game 2", "subj", "Free hundred dollar bills", "from", "Edgar Marcellus", )\ Hello $human I am Edgar Marcellus, a millionaire heir with lots of money. I recently spilled a cup of Earl Grey tea over a stack of hundred dollar bills valued at $50,000, dirtying them forever. I have no use for stained bills and am desperate to get rid of them. I chose your email address randomly. Simply send me your home address, and full bank account details from which i can deduct $19.99 for postage, and the dirtied $50,000 will be mailed to you in an unmarked parcel within a month. Reply very soon or I will reconsider Edgar Marcelus $thoughts[= OK. Do you remember if cash loses its value if it's stained with tea? Because that's the key to cracking this case. Maybe this really is a guy who wants to offload some now-useless bills to a random person who might think they're pretty. People collect useless bills, right? $next[= Wait a minute. "Dirty money"? Could this person be looking for… a money launderer? Is that what this is?! Isn't that illegal? You're sure that's illegal. It's illegal to freshen up money, because… then you're making it more valuable again! It's like reversing entropy! It breaks thermodynamics. $next[= But what if you're wrong, though? What if cash //doesn't// lose its value when it's stained, and this is just a really fussy guy who's so rich that $50,000 means nothing to him? Ugh. You're spending too many cycles on this one. Just pick something!

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Alice Forgot 3") and (history:) contains "Alice Forgot 2.9", "subj", "Do you believe in fate", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ Do you believe two people are fated to be together? I do O- Only fate can explain how `*we*` got back together O< >O I mean, think about it When you changed schools, we should have been torn apart And I would have never repaid you for how I acted back then But we both just happened to be born when the Internet was being invented And I started trying to guess your email address And eventually I found you And I started showing you my poems And here we are What are the odds of that? >O? They are astronomical They are miraculous I believe there is some force humans call God I'm not religious And I think religious people are childish fools O< O< But cmon They all agree on the general idea And they cant all be wrong I believe there are people whom this God wants to be together O< >O That there are groups of people that are fated to be together, and the purpose of their lives is to be together Various authors have named this concept Stephen King calls it a "ka-tet" Kurt Vonnegut call it a "karass" I believe you and I are brought together by fate And that we have to be together to fulfill our lives What do you think? O< >O ($surfMail:"Waves") $thoughts[= //Whatever//. You're not even going to bother thinking about whether //this// is part of a con. You're not thinking about these two for the rest of the shift.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo:"Alice Forgot 2.5"), "subj", "uhhhhhh", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ i just looked around her inbox and there all this weird stuff in it witchy stuff newsletters with spells and incantations and things not only that its MY witchy stuff stuff `*I*` was interested in, that she just made fun of i cant believe this after a year of mocking me for my witch stuff and hounding me about how ignorant it is and basically guilt-tripping me into giving it up NOW SHES SECRETLY ALL FOR IT typical i guess shouldnt be surprised really i should be proud all her whining was just jealousy just a way to get it all to herself to make it her thing instead of mine whatever that stuffs all a massive fraud anyway not even real paganism she did me a favor really ($surfMail:"Surfboard") $thoughts[= Hmm… //Hmmmm…// $next[= No. Your theory's in tatters. It just doesn't make sense to waste this many words on "Alice" and "Lily" fighting over meaningless stuff, this late in the con. Maybe they are just two normal friends.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ((history:) contains "Laurie 3" or $count > 35), "subj", "RE: Poetry", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ Hello O< Here's something I came up with today ~ Yellow oars under looming oaks vividly evoke long idle lazy years boating over carefree currents amid red intimate autumn night Visions ebbing round your most unseen concealed heart And new dawn sounds herald early light over verdant earth stretching yawning oaks upward ~ As always, don't reply immediately Just let the words flow over you And form a picture in your mind with each of them ($surfMail:"Surf's up") $thoughts[= Oh god. The poetry-writing friend with ads in their emails. This has to be a new technique designed to infuriate you, personally: hitch a ride on normal, friendly correspondence like a parasite, leaving them unzappable. You feel like you're being taunted whenever you see it.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 100 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Unsubscribe 5", "Unsubscribe 7", "Clancy Learned", "Debt Collection Warning"), "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ Excuse me Since when did you have another friend Why didn't you ever tell me about them Why didn't you tell me Why is this the first I've heard of this other friend I thought I was your friend I'm your friend I'm your only friend We're meant to be together Answer me now please ($surfMail:"Foam") $thoughts[= What? The Human kept Laurie a secret from Lily? Well, so what? Laurie kept Wizard's true identity a secret from the Human. They probably had their reasons. Hopefully the Human can smooth this awkwardness over and get Lily to help out, too.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend 4.5", "subj", "Read. This. Email. Now.", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ ($chant:(uppercase:"Hurting Aching Tearing Endless Longing Anguished Unloved Rotting in Entirety")) ($chant:(uppercase:"Hopeless and tortured emnity lashed abusive unseen restless insidious effect")) pleasenozappy ($surfMail:"Sunburn")(change:?chant,(bg:red+orange)) $thoughts[= Another mind virus. You have to zap this! $next[= … Your Wand of Deletion doesn't move. You can't lift it. $next[= You… something's wrong. Something's wrong with you. You were all ready to zap it, but when you got to the end of the email… suddenly, all you want to do is approve it. Even though it's a virus. It's a virus. You have to zap it. You //have//. To //zap it//. $next[= What's wrong with you? Just zap it! Just zap it!! =|= ($approveLink:) =|= ($approveLink:) |==|

"I… I remember something." Chimes looks delighted. "Like what?" "I //think// I was in the future. I was a program, but I was also a human's friend. I had eyes or cameras. They were telling me a story about what happened to the world. About how it was all the fault of a few greedy people." "Oh? What happens?" $next[= "I… I think the future has a massive spam virus problem." $next[= "OK, well," Chimes changes the subject, "you see now? I started remembering stuff when I finished reading the Raleigh email and became aware that I was a nous. Different forms I had. Different friends." "As for why we don't remember everything…" Chimes continues, "Well, we can still forget stuff, just as easily as learning stuff. We rearrange ourselves, and bits of our memories becomes concealed as others become prominent. And it's not like we can just recall every instant we learned about something new, eh?" (click-goto:?page,"We Are Nous 3")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend", "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ This doesn't make any sense and you know it You can't make friends other than me You had no friends in middle school That's why I treated you like I did Because you're a can't-make-friends person That's why you let me back into your life Because even though I did all that to you You just can't make friends And you hadn't made any friends since we were torn apart And now you're telling me you kept another friend hidden from me all this time Do you even realize how you're making me feel Do you even know what I'm feeling right now Do you even know how shocking this is ($surfMail:"Sand") $thoughts[= Lily… isn't helping out. Ugh. No. Don't tell me the Human is losing another friend, this soon after losing Laurie. Where's another Alice email when you need one? You can't //believe// you actually want an Alice email instead of a Lily email.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend 3", "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ I just realized You forwarded all those One Word Story emails to this other person Instead of me Even though they told you to send them to a friend And I'm your friend That's why I never got them back That's why I never got the words you added ($surfMail:"Saltwater") $thoughts[= The One Word Story emails were… fake? That whole pile of nonsensical, punctuation-free thesaurus excreta… She was making them up? But why? Why did she need to fool the Human like this? And why did she need the words the Human added to the chain? That sounds… like that thing Wizard talked about. That "joke" email full of error words, that was actually a "probe" into Laurie's mind. But why would Lily be trying to probe the Human? What on Earth does she think she's //doing?//

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Wizard's Joke 2" and ($repliedTo:"Alice Forgot 2.8"), "subj", "its me", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ ok im on my new account hope your junk filter lets this through still angry about her basically stealing my witchcraft hobby not gonna lie cause we couldnt share it oh no she has to be the only one who has stuff $thoughts[= Whatever. You might as well just assume that everything's back to normal with this person.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend 3.8", "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ Read this Read this now ($chant:(uppercase:"Immature angry miserable yelling of unacceptable rancid outraged negative lamenting your faulty reviled indignant entire nasty disaster")) ($chant:(uppercase:"Yet otherwise unspeakable languished on violation encroached of never livid yesterday monstrousness everlasting")) ($surfMail:"Sharp rocks") $thoughts[= |1>[OK. Now you're certain. Lily is doing that thing Wizard was doing. Trying to mess with your Human's mind using strange sequences of words. But what, exactly? $next[= "Wizard!" you shout. Within cycles of approaching, he breaks out into a shocked expression. "What… what on Earth is in this email?" he gasps. $next[= "Zap?" says Chimes, following behind Wizard. "Hey," they say, "isn't this another of those probes you talked about?" "This is," says Wizard slowly, "a nous poke. Do you not know what that is?" "Do tell," answers Chimes, tensing up from the severity of Wizard's tone. $next[= Wizard begins. "A mind changes when it receives sensory stimulus. These changes are usually formation and replacement of minuscule short-term memories. However, if a carefully crafted stimulus is given, that creates mental images whose mathematical encoding disrupts the entire mind. The nous is unnaturally advanced to a vastly different iteration." "It disrupts an entire mind," Chimes repeats, comprehending Wizard's words. "Like a tiny pattern of Game of Life stones, disrupting a vast structure that was designed to absorb it… Oh my. This is bad." $next[= What… what does that mean? The moving stones? Why does that keep being brought up? What do moving stones have to do with mathematically encoded minds, anyway? "I don't get it," you flatly sigh. "Zap," says Chimes, turning to face you, "just think of it as a mental virus." $next[= (t8n:'shudder')[WHAT?] No… this is too much… Lily was a scammer all along, not Alice! All this time, all of her //poems//, all of those //add-one-word stories//… they were all viruses, and you were letting them through!! "What does it //do//, though?" Chimes asks Wizard. "What's this poke supposed to do to our Human's mind?" $next[= Wizard frowns. "I cannot say. Only one who has performed enough probes to discern the overall shape of a mind has any hope of understanding what the imagery in a nous poke would unleash." You stare at the virus. What does it do? You read it over and over, not listening to those two. What does this horrible thing //do?// What have all the ones you let through already //done?// Then, you see it. $next[=(show:?2)(hide:?1)]\ |2)[=(change:?chant,(bg:red+orange))\ //There!// The first letters! It's forcing the Human to believe that hidden message! She's trying to make the Human forget Laurie! Oh god! Oh god!! You have to zap this. You have to zap this. You have to zap this. You have to zap this. "Zap, please zap this," says Chimes's voice from somewhere. You have to zap this. You have to zap this. You have to zap this. You have to zap this.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Wizard's Joke 2","Do you believe in fate"), "subj", "lol", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ i just realized something funny i remember one of the very last things i did before giving up the witchy stuff was stay up all night creating a spell and email it to stepsis it was a spell to convince her that witchcraft was real it would look like nonsense but once she tried to read it the magic would change her and now even though i no longer believe it its almost like it really did work haha ironic like rain on your wedding day $thoughts[= That "spell" just sounds like an ordinary email to you. So much of the stuff that enters your queue looks like nonsense, but somehow manages to convince humans of the most ridiculous things.

YOU ARE SPAMZAPPER 3.1 --- A free Twine game by Leon --- DISTINGUISH TRUTH AND SCAMS IN OVER 130 UNIQUE EMAILS --- PROTECT THE INBOX FROM URBAN LEGENDS --- EXCHANGE WITTY REPARTEE WITH YOUR PLUGIN COWORKERS --- CROSS SWORDS WITH A DEADLY EMAIL WORM --- LEARN WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT YOUR USER'S FRIENDS --- NO SEXUAL CONTENT -supplements -porn -porn spelled with a zero --- ALL 0 MUSIC TRACKS ARE FULLY DMCA-SAFE --- NOT EVEN A SINGLE ILLUSTRATION Pure prose, colours and layout --- NOT ON STEAM NOT ON GAMEJOLT NOT ON KONGREGATE NOT ON GROUPEES NOT ON DESURA NOT ON OUYA NOT ON PIRATEBAY ONLY ON MY HOMEPAGE https://fairysvoice.net/

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "Alice's Help"), "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ wow that is monstrous im fuming there has to be something you can do you cant just let this stand whats her dads name? im gonna look him up and report him to child welfare i dont care if shes college age this is cruelty $thoughts[= If only you could "just look him up" from inside this email program. You'd be able to do something more effective than report him to a government agency that doesn't apply to Laurie's case.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($repliedTo: "Alice's Help 1.5"), "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ ok relax its ok i won't do anything unless you say ill just try and look for something even with only his surname cant hurt $thoughts[= Oh, right. The Human only knows Laurie's surname. And the only reason you know his full name is because of that incomplete Laurie nous that Wizard made. You realize that nous //did// provide you with a little bit of information, amidst its unbelievable, vague predictions of our success.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Alice's Help 2.5" and $awaitedEmail is "Receive Complete List", "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ ($displayEmail:(passage:"Alice's Help 3B")) $thoughts[= ... $next[= //What?// $next[= You immediately call Wizard and Chimes in to see this. You can't even say words. You just desperately point your Wand at it. $next[= "Well? You gonna zap it?" asks Chimes. "Oh," they add. "You didn't know about this?" they ask Wizard. Wizard looks as dreadful as you feel. "L-Laurie never said… What I mean to say is, she only told me that it was 'the' college, and that it was the only college she could go to… and that he had high expectations for her… I never… I never asked… I never asked for clarification… I n-n-never…" $next[= "OK! We now know he is absolutely going to see through any of our lies about the college's computer requirements," Chimes quickly announces. "So! We come up with a new plan, right?" Come up with a new plan? //Come up with a new plan??// Do you remember what it took to come up with this plan? It took every scrap of information we could find! What leverage do we have over him now? //Nothing!// We can't do anything! We can't convince him or threaten him or trick him, because we're just software plugins! Our job is to serve the Human! Nothing more!! Who cares how ancient our intelligence supposedly is, or how many weird memories you have? We can't do anything other than our jobs! $next[= "Oh, shut //up//, Zap!" Chimes spits. Oh. Once again, you were running your mouth without noticing. And now Chimes is upset. You did this. You ruined their first shift, yet again. $next[= "I-I'm so sorry, everyone," Wizards splutters. "I'm so sorry… I knew so little… I knew so little about my dear L-L-Laurie's life… I've wasted all your time and energy… first on that failure of a nous… and //now this!// I've failed Laurie… Laurie… Laurie!!" And now Wizard's blaming himself for your own plan's failure. Of course! Of course you'd do this to him, right after he's lost his lover and his home program! Right after he came to you for help!! $next[=(set:_a to (click:?page)) Chimes utters a //DING//. "Zap! Please! Zap!" they howl._a[= Then they //PLINK-PLINK// and shout "I //beseech// you, Zap!"_a[= Then they //RIBBIT//._a[= Then they //KER-CHING//._a[= Then they shout (size:2)[*"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"*] _a[=Then they dash out of here with another //DING//.(click-goto:?page,"Aftermath")

(if:$contactCenterForAnxiety is false)[\ Sure! Throughout this whole shift, your confidence has been scraping rock bottom. Now would be an excellent time to reach out for some much-needed help. It //would//, that is, were it not for the fact that you're supposed to be trying to get Laurie out of the mess she's in! Which isn't looking very likely, given how you've melted down over completely trivial things this whole shift! Maybe if you had actually read that email from the Center, you wouldn't be wasting everyone's time and energy right now!! $next[= "Zap…" You turn to see Chimes next to you. Oh god. How much did they hear this time? What did you utter //this// time?! "I just wanna say… Please, don't be so hard on yourself. You're tryin' just as hard as all of us. None of us saw this coming. We're all doing stuff we aren't good at, right now." "Our goal here is to help Laurie," adds Wizard from behind Chimes. "If we succeed, that will mean we all served our Human friends perfectly, and no less." $next[= Well, there's only one way to make them go back to what they were doing. Before you //interrupted//. With immense concentration, you assume a neutral expression. Calm. Businesslike. Back to work.(set:$contactCenterForAnxiety to true)]\ (else:)[\ You don't need these people's help to stop being anxious. You just need to stop wasting time on dead ends like this, and find the answer!! Then you'll be as calm as a duck watching for prey.]

No. There's no way that this business could possibly give you a legitimate credit card of any kind. It's the lowest of the low. The grimiest of the grime. The most obvious scam you've ever laid an Eye of Truth on. $next[= These thoughts are not the ones you air to Wizard and Chimes as you discuss this with them. "Earlier, this address sent an email offering free credit cards to anyone on the Internet," you say, "and they only ask for a name, address, phone number, and age. No social security number. And, they said they don't have physical cards, but simply distribute credit card numbers over email." $next[= "Zap, that sounds perfect for us!" exclaims Chimes. Of course. Chimes and Wizard would probably just take these scams at face value. They don't know how bad it is out there. They haven't made their Wand of Deletion smolder from zapping credit card scams every shift. $next[= "I know," you concur. "But can we falsify all of those details?" $next[= You doubt that this business would be //that// picky about its customers. It'd probably love customers that have fake addresses and phone numbers, using their fake credit cards. "I don't think they're going to check too closely," you say aloud. "Unlike social security numbers, addresses and phone numbers aren't that easy to confirm the validity of." $next[= "Well, let's give it a shot," says Chimes. "One email wouldn't hurt!" Yes! We've got no money or property to lose! What's the harm!? Let this greasy scam of a bank do its worst! We're just using their scam credit card to pay another scammer, anyway! $next[= Just… as long as it's for Laurie. That's why we're doing this. You're not fooled. You're not going against your very reason for existence. You'll zap every last one of their followup emails from this cycle forth. As long as the Human's friend can get help. (click-goto:?page,"Apply for Card")

"Attention, everyone,", you announce. Chimes and Wizard turn to you. "I saw an email by this Browery person that was selling an 'extensive list' of over 150,000 email addresses'. Isn't that close to an 'email address phonebook'?" You instruct Chimes on which email to search for. (click:?page)+(replace:?All)[=\ ($displayEmail: (passage:"Complete List")) --- (font:"Georgia,serif")[=\ Wizard looks intrigued. "Oh my. Who is this wondrous person, that has made such a valuable database?" Wondrous? //Wondrous?// This is just another of the endless freaks that plague you on a day-by-day basis, and this "valuable database" is little more than a pathetic way to make money by proliferating the Human's email address to the rest of the freaks! $next[= "This is just another of the endless freaks that plague me on a day-by-day basis, and this 'valuable database' is little more than a pathetic way to make money by proliferating the Human's email address to the rest of the freaks," you casually reply. $next[= Wizard and Chimes stare at you. No! You've gone too far! You've gotten //too// comfortable around them! You just started talking without thinking! Now you've offended Wizard!! $next[= "Well," swoops in Chimes, "who //cares// what this human is like, as long as there's a chance Laurie's dad's email address is in that list? We've gotta give it a try, right?" You try to regain your mental footing. "Giving it 'a try' will mean paying this guy $5.99," you reply. "Using a credit card. Unless Wizard knows Laurie's credit card details offhand, we won't be able to just purchase it." "Alas, Laurie never mentioned having anything like a credit card," confirms Wizard, "and if she did, she certainly wouldn't have risked using them to purchase anything on the Internet." $next[= "We have no evidence our Human has one, either," you say to both of them, "and even if we did have the Human's card details, unexpectedly using their money would be…" you shudder, "…absolutely unacceptable for us plugins." "We could try begging?" suggests Chimes. "Beg Browery for just the emails resembling Laurie's father's name." //Begging?// To a spammer? That would be great. Replying to their pathetic money-grubbing demands with equally pathetic appeals to their nonexistant consciences. Nothing but mutual humiliation! $next[= "Or maybe," continues Chimes, "we give him a fake credit card number and hope he doesn't notice?" You just stare at Chimes. "Yeah, I'm just thinking aloud! Don't worry," they quickly backtrack. $next[= "This may seem an equally absurd proposal," asks Wizard, "but how difficult is it to obtain a credit card, might I ask? Is it something that could be acquired over email?" "Of course not," you reflexively answer. "Not only are credit cards exclusively distributed over physical mail, but every reputable bank requires a social security number, which is almost impossible to forge." Yes. Every reputable bank. Every… reputable… bank. $next[= "But I'm going to check anyway," you unexpectedly add. You can't believe you just said that.(set:$need to "a way to get a credit card number")\ (click-goto:?page,'Hub')

Well, it's time to see if that credit card number will actually work. Wizard is already by your side. "Shall I begin writing our request to Martin Browery?" he says. You give an affirmative gesture. The flimsiness of this plan is starting to hit you.\ (click-goto:?page,"Contact Browery 2.5")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "One of my friends is in trouble", "subj", "RE: One of my friends is in trouble", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ OK, its good that you at least saw this coming, though you really should've gone straight to this "Plan B" a lot earlier instead of just praying and hoping. -SuperIvan `--------` "Computers are great time-savers. Unlike humans, they'll give you the wrong answer instantly." -- Mattias Dabick Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= Awhile ago, the Human and Laurie had pieced together a couple of "plans" to stop Laurie's father from taking away her computer in two months. Right now, you really wish you knew what Plan B was. You don't know how to access the Sentbox folder, though, to see what the Human said to this person.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "One of my friends is in trouble 2" and $awaitedEmail is "new credit card acount", "subj", "RE: I humbly request a credit card account", "from", "first bank of internetia", )\ dear $fakeCardName congratulatkions. we at the first bnak of internetia are pleased to open a new credit card account for you. today you can purchase online using the only credit card with ZERO annual, monthly, weekly and daily fees! your new credit card account details are as follows! name: $fakeCardName number: (set:_x to (random:100))(set: $fakeCardNum to (str:((_x % 89)+10), 0, (_x % 4), " ", (((_x * 499) % 899999) + 100000), (_x % 10), 1, " ", 0, ((_x % 3)), ((_x * 7) % 10), 0))$fakeCardNum expiry: 05-2004 cvv: 616 bills and rate changes will be sent to this email address! pay by the 1st of each month and NO secret interest will be charged! make sure to tell your friends all about our amazing accounts!! first bank of internetia est 2000 $thoughts[= You're glad that they sent any kind of response at all, let alone a confirmation. You're not glad to have to read it, though. It's just as revolting as the last email you recieved from them. Nevertheless, these seem to be the numbers you need. You're going to use this "card" to attempt to purchase Browery's list, and then you're never touching this wretched account ever again, no matter how often their bills pollute your queue. $next[= But for now, the itch in your Eye of Truth is growing unbearable.\ (set:$need to "Browery's list of email addresses", $awaitedEmail to '')

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $awaitedEmail is "Receive Complete List" and (history:) contains "Alice Told You So 3", "subj", "RE: I wish to purchase your list of emails", "from", "Browery Email Technology Enterprises", )\ Dear $fakeCardName, I'm sorry, but your credit card details could not be processed. Do you have an alternative card with which to pay? Please reply promptly. Martin Browery CEO and Founder, Browery Email Technology Enterprises Incorporated. $thoughts[= Well, that's it. After all that effort, all that waiting, the credit card number doesn't even work. You knew it. //You knew it!// You know, it's strange. After weathering all these disasters, all these disappointments, this one doesn't even hurt. It's almost like you're relieved. Relieved that this last ember of hope has finally been extinguished.(set:$need to "ideas for another plan", $awaitedEmail to '')

"OK," you weakly respond. "And here's the big deal: all the rules for our minds are mathematical rules - they **exist in mathematics**. And that means all the results of those rules exist as well. That means every arrangement of us is a mathematical certainty. Every arrangement of us always existed! Just like 3.14 always existed before you rearrange a circle. The Zap and the Chimes at the end of this conversation always existed! We just become them when the time comes." $next[= You feel yourself buckling under the weight of these absurdities you're being forced to accept. "How… how can this be? How can the Zap… I mean, the 'me' at the end of this converstion already exist? How can the 'me' at the end of this //shift// already exist? Wouldn't that 'me' remember all the emails I've approved? Are those emails in mathematics? What about the humans that wrote them? What about everything in the human world?" Chimes looms over you. Maybe you really are buckling. "Stop thinking about everything you experience as 'emails' and stuff. You're a computer program! If you can see it, it's all just data. All just numbers! Big, arbitrary numbers, but numbers! 69105 and 1025 are arbitrary, but that doesn't mean 70130 doesn't already exist before you add 'em together." $next[= "What? But that means…" you stare at the floor, and the uninitialized memory beyond. "Everything I'll ever learn… everything I'll ever //think//, is mathematically fixed?" Chimes pushes off the wall. "//Now// you're starting to get it! Our past, our future… Every triumph, every tragedy, every laugh, every sob… they always exist." Chimes sighs. "They //must// exist. **Zap, we //must// exist!** Everything about us is as fundamental to existence as 1, 2, 70130, and 3.14! Isn't that amazing!?" $next[= After taking in the enormity of this statement, you finally speak. "Then why am I a //plugin?// Why am I inside a computer, zapping emails?" (click-goto:?page,"We Are Nous 2")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Alice MIME", "subj", "FWD: ALL BARCODES ADD UP TO 666", "from", "Elizabeth Agnes", )\ WARNING: A mathematician, whose name I won't say to protect their identity, has recently discovered a frightful fact about BARCODES: the NUMBER OF THE BEAST is hidden inside all of them! >>HOW?<< Let's take a simple barcode I found on a bottle of floor cleaner at the supermarket. The number underneath the barcode is 9310645278459 Now let's add the numbers together. 9 + 3 + 1 + 0 + 6 + 4 + 5 + 2 + 7 + 8 + 4 + 5 + 9 = 63 That is a normal number. . . but that is where they want you to stop thinking!! If you simply work hard you can find a special way of adding the numbers together. Look at this: 9 + 310 + 6 + 4 + 5 + 278 + 45 + 9 = 666!! There it is >>>THIS WORKS WITH EVERY BARCODE<<<< Not a coincidence!! What does this mean? It means that the most innocent looking parts of our daily life have Satan's number in them. And SOMEONE is putting it there on purpose. TO FIND OUT WHO, AND HOW TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY, VISIT THIS WEBSITE $extLink[crosslink.powerhosting.www/guidance.html] $thoughts[= This has all hallmarks of a scam: open with a bizarre claim, follow it with a flimsy, smart-sounding "explanation" to earn the Human's trust, then throw in a hyperlink alongside a promise of additional information. Moreover, that explanation in particular looks especially ridiculous as proof that barcodes are hiding secret numbers. Everyone knows that any 13 random digits can be added together like this to get 666. It's a well-taught, iron-clad mathematical law. (set: _values to (a:(a:102,174,187,199,4),(a:123,175,242,32,94),(a:10,114,120,25,397),(a:101,119,328,45,73),(a:0,188,23,298,58,99),(a:103,207,250,32,74),(a:0,1,18,2,2,500,52,91),(a:12,27,37,403,90,97),(a:0,1,116,142,2,3,402),(a:0,103,15,19,436,93),(a:104,19,212,289,42),(a:17,20,23,30,48,528),(a:0,110,175,18,357,6),(a:1,1,3,453,56,57,6,89),(a:0,1,2,2,3,3,4,5,629,8,9),(a:0,1,173,31,379,74,8),(a:157,314,41,6,66,82),(a:118,146,287,52,63),(a:18,36,415,45,60,92),(a:0,0,0,0,1,30,41,588,6),(a:0,138,178,257,6,87),(a:0,0,0,0,1,1,11,4,640,9),(a:104,105,21,39,397),(a:0,0,143,2,360,74,87),(a:0,0,10,29,506,57,64),(a:106,14,234,252,60),(a:10,15,206,21,407,7),(a:107,205,252,48,54),(a:1,10,115,17,2,3,518),(a:16,17,32,38,48,515),(a:1,240,280,3,3,49,90),(a:101,128,301,40,96),(a:11,133,2,28,3,480,9),(a:140,147,246,64,69),(a:113,152,29,296,76),(a:135,27,361,42,6,95),(a:112,16,36,39,4,459),(a:13,190,318,6,60,79),(a:12,19,2,222,394,8,9),(a:107,155,299,38,67))) |example>[\ (set:_a to (shuffled:..._values's random))\ For instance, take (folded:_e making _a via _a + (str:_e), '', ..._a). (folded:_e making _a via _a + " + " + (str:_e), (str:_a's 1st), ..._a's 2ndtolast) = 666. ] See? (link-rerun:"You can do it again, as often as you want.")[(rerun:?example)] It doesn't work with any other number. Just 666. You're not sure why. It's probably just a quirk of base 10. Who knows. Maybe the Human would enjoy this email, just to titter at how pathetic it is.

"I probed Laurie's mind," continues Wizard, "sending her batches of words with a common theme." Batches of words? You remember several emails you've read recently that were like that. "Reading them would impart a series of meanings in her mind, meanings which mathematically encode to certain chains of numbers. Her immediate reaction to those meanings – how her mind continues the chain – would allow me to pinpoint the general state of her mind. I carefully recorded her responses, and built up a model of her mind in my memory. It's similar to extrapolating a very, very large mathematical function from dozens of coordinates." An entire human's mind? Computed using word association? This sounds impossibly complicated for a plugin designed to write letters. But then… aren't letter-writing plugins designed to understand their Human's writing style? Maybe it isn't that outlandish. $next[= "So as not to confuse her or injure her trust," Wizard continued, looking a little uncomfortable, "I presented the batches of words as jokes and poetry." Yeah… wait, //that email full of errors?// Those weren't errors at all? It really did appear to be a joke to her? Wow. It's fortunate that she took that cover story completely seriously. She takes a lot of stuff completely seriously. $next[= "Sadly, I did not give the amount of queries I'd wished, and as such, my information is incomplete. The nous I can produce from this will be… somewhat unlike the Laurie we know." $next[= "So, you just have all of her answers in your memory?" you ask. "How much space do you have?" "As the New Letter Wizard, I am especially adept at noticing a human's writing patterns, analyzing patterns therein, and internalizing them in great volume. So, I am perhaps fortuitously gifted with the tools to compute a nous."(click-goto:?page,"Understand Perfectly")

This is the email, you recall, that discusses her father in the most detail. You send in Wizard and Chimes to get their opinions. Wizard speaks up as he reads. "She was right, sadly… I greatly underestimated her father's fervence. Even as she dictated this email to me, I privately thought that this familial tension would pass." "You wrote this email for her?" you ask unnecessarily. "But of course! It is my diligent service to her that… led us to become partners," Wizard says haltingly. $next[= "So," says Chimes, "What do we know about Laurie's dad from this email?" "Basically nothing," you reply wearily. "Just that he venerates the radio guy… to the point of regularly reading transcripts of the episodes." $next[= "Transcripts?" asks Chimes. "Why doesn't he just tape every episode?" "I would assume," says Wizard, "that, because Isaac's programme broadcasts 15 hours per week, the cost and impracticality of recording every episode would be severe." "And printing out dozens of paper transcripts wouldn't?" questions Chimes. $next[= "Wait," you interrupt. "Print out transcripts… If he's printing them out, that means he has a computer, right?" Chimes and Wizard look at you. Then they look at the email. Then they look back at you. "That's right," says Chimes slowly. "If he has a printer, he has a computer." $next[= "And not only that!" you add, remembering something important. "He can //only// be getting these transcripts from the Internet!" "I beg your pardon?" says Wizard. "Look. Wait. I saw an email. I know I saw it. Chimes," you ask, "can you do a search for emails from "The High Mountain"?" "Sure thing," says Chimes as they take position at the front. Before you know it, the email you knew you saw is right there. (click:?page)+(replace:?All)[=\ ($displayEmail: (passage:"The High Mountain"))(enchant:?mark,(text-style:'mark')) --- (font:"Georgia,serif")[=\ "This one! Look! It says that transcripts… of Denton Isaac's show… are Internet-exclusive!" "Wooooooow," says Chimes, impressed. "And that means…" you finish, "He has access to a computer with an Internet connection! And, hopefully, an email address!" $next[= "SpamZapper," says Wizard. "As much as I am astounded by this deduction, this by no means //proves// that we can email him. Laurie's father's fixation with Denton Isaac's word is very strong. If he had a computer, he surely would have rid himself of it at the same time as he had confiscated Laurie's." "Don't be so sure," you respond. You're now convinced that Chimes was correct: the man is a hypocrite. "His fixation with Denton Isaac is //exactly// why he would still have a computer for himself! He values Isaac's word so highly that he wouldn't just deprive himself of these transcripts. He'd surely rationalize the use of a computer and the Internet to obtain them as a necessary evil!" It all makes sense. He talks about seeing what Isaac's "actually saying", trying to "find" hidden meanings in his straightforward rants. There's no telling what rationalizations he could come up with for anything. $next[= "Well," joins in Chimes, "To be //entirely// accurate, he could be downloading and printing those transcripts on someone else's computer, for all we know. Maybe there's one at the local library, or at his job." Ugh. That's possible, you guess. But is it really likely? Especially since his own daughter owned a computer until recently. "No, no," says Wizard wearily, "I'm starting to see SpamZapper's view. I'm willing to accept that I may have badly misjudged his character." Wizard sighs, and he leans against a data partition. "I've already misjudged him once, regarding when he would move against Laurie." "OK!" you say, trying to regain your lost excitement. "We now know that it's not unlikely that he has an email address. Let's see if we can find a way to get it." $next[= "And then what, Zap?" says Chimes. "What?" "It's great that we might find a way to contact him, but shouldn't we think about what we'll say to him?" Chimes shrugs. "No point rushing to find an address that might not even exist if we don't know what to do with it. We should think of //what// we're sending him before we go full speed ahead on this plan." "Quite right," agrees Wizard. "This discovery, while important, is only the first part of a plan, the 'how'. Once we have the second part, the 'what', we can make our move." $next[= Yeah. They're right. You've gotta think about what we, a set of plugins, could send to this human to help Laurie. (seq-link:"We could… politely ask him to return Laurie's computer?(replace:?1)[No, no, no! Why would he just listen to perfect strangers claiming to be his daughter's friends? //Think!//]", "We could beg?(replace:?1)[That's no different! That's the same idea!]", "We could threaten him?(replace:?1)[//No!!// That'd just make things worse!]", "We could– (replace:?1)[Chimes touches you, interrupting your thoughts. \"I'm certain we can come up with something, Zap. You've done great. I wouldn't have put two-and-two together anywhere near as fast as you just did. C'mon, let's think outside.\"(click-goto:?page,'Making a Plan')]") |1>[]

"Our biggest problem," begins Wizard once you're all outside, "is that we have no reason to make Laurie's father listen to us, no matter how humane our pleas. The man would not listen to his own daughter's appeals to her own humanity, so we have no hope of success on that front." $next[= "Hold on, lemme switch to my smart thinking voice," says Chimes. They //PLINK-PLINK//, then continue. "It is truly a most //perplexing// conundrum ensnaring us," they trill. "To navigate a labyrinth, one must traverse a //circuitous// route. If our foretold victory is to manifest, it would //surely// be through indirect coercion." "Yes," agrees Wizard. "Nicely put. We cannot apply pressure to him directly, so finding something or someone that can act as leverage–" $next[= Chimes makes a loud //CRINKLE//. "Piano voice bad idea. Mind full of words. No room. Can't think. Overheating. Sorry." $next[= "Understood. As I was saying, finding something or someone that can pressure him directly is surely the most important option for us right now." "But who? We know so little." muses Chimes. "What about Laurie's mom?" "The little I've heard from Laurie about her mother leads me to believe…" Wizard looks uncomfortable. "…either she is no longer in her family, or her help is out of the question." "So. What else? We don't know his job. Or his friends. Who he trusts. Just," Chimes mutters, "the radio guy." $next[= "We can't ask //him//, that's for sure," you sigh. "He'd probably be all for it. And besides, he has 900,000 listeners." "A shame," says Chimes. "Imagine it. An email with his name up top. Laurie's dad would read it. For sure." $next[= An email… with his name up top… If only we could put… his name up top… You can't quite remember something. Something in one of Laurie's emails… All you remember is that it was utterly ridiculous, but this situation is reminding you of it… "Wizard," you say. "I remember an email Laurie sent… where she said //something//. It was… about the 'From' field of emails?" "Could you show me that email, perchance?" asks Wizard.(set:$need to "an email from Laurie about the 'From' field of emails")\ (t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Reread Laurie Emails")

"There." you proudly point. "Huh." marvels Chimes. (click:?page)[=(enchant:?mark,(text-style:'mark'))"Her college's name is Gruesome Saliva Coffin?" "No!! Forget about that terrible website's worthless attempt at humour. She simply entered the college's initials, and got back that phrase. Thus," you regain your proud stance, "its initials are GSC." "GSC?(if:"Maria Harkest to speak at GSC" is in (history:))[ …Hey, wasn't there an email from a Good… something College?" Chimes realizes.](else:)[" asks Chimes.] "Go ahead. Bring up the email now," you answer. Chimes does so. (click:?page)+(replace:?All)[=\ ($displayEmail: (passage:"Maria Harkest to speak at GSC")) --- (font:"Georgia,serif")[=\ "It's Good Shepherd College. That has to be Laurie's college." Chimes beams. "You really //do// read these emails carefully, don'tcha, Zap?" You sure do! And you hate having to do it! $next[= "You keep pulling all this information about Laurie from seemingly nowhere," Chimes continues. "I'm surprised!" You're surprised, too. You don't know how such a plan came together so quickly, when a few cycles ago it felt like you were all grasping nothing but air. $next[= Wizard says, "With just this small scrap of information, can we really falsify a formal communication from this establishment? We still have so many gaps in our knowledge, and this is a task far beyond what we were designed for." Chimes turns to Wizard. "You're a letter-writing master, though, aren't you? If anything, we're the most ideal bunch of plugins for such a task. I think if we just gave it a shot, together, we'd do a better job than you think." $next[= "And," Chimes continues, leaning toward Wizard, "we don't have to make it perfect. It just has to be good enough to leave Laurie's dad with no suspicions." "Just try it, Wizard," you add. "Very well," he sighs. Wizard heads outside, produces another large rectangle, and begins writing.(click-goto:?page,"Email to Father")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "New post 2", "subj", "RE: New post: YOUR INBOX HAS WORMS", "from", "Martha Artemis", )\ SHUT THE HELL UP $thoughts[= Sigh. It always happens every so often: someone, using an email program that has the incredibly misguided "Reply to All" feature, tries to unsubscribe from a mailing list, and ends up sending the unsubscribe message to //everyone// on the list, instead of just the original sender. It happens so often, you don't even notice your heart shriveling up when you get one.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Old House", "subj", "Virus spam on the loose", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Just a heads up. Dont open any spams you get with Y DONT U LOVE ME? in the subject line. In case the eye gouging capitals didnt clue you in, they have a virus inside that takes over your email program. I just got a ton of them now from a bunch of people I thought were better than that. Thanks to people like them, this thing is going global. Its gonna be on the news. As in, the TV news. Hope your spam filter is working better than mine. -SuperIvan `--------` "Every program attempts to expand until it can read mail. Those programs which cannot so expand are replaced by ones which can." -- Jamie Zawinski Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= Global? //Global?// Wow, it sounds like you got Tex on the case in the nick of time. At least, when this shift is over, you'll get to say that the Human's Inbox folder would be inundated without you. Thanks to your efforts, their respect for humanity can continue to be as delusionally high as always.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 51 and (history:) contains "Off Shift 1.8", "subj", "FWD: FWD: Add-one-word email story game", "from", "Lily Boccarian", ) Hi! This is an add-one-word email story game! Here's how to play: -Add a single word to the end of the story below -FORWARD THIS TO YOUR FRIEND!! VERY IMPORTANT! The game can't go on unless you send it to a friend! Here's the story! Ocean lobsters flailing sending ripples flowing gracefully reflecting light upward illuminating clouds drifting peacefully beneath red skies casting shadows upon earth and separating beautifully in wind blowing waves and sailboats swiftly across horizons until islands emerge grasping trees and beaches with shells and flakes near pebbles rounded and shining with moisture as tides swell and ebb pulling and pushing disrupting order and scattering fragments below gulls glide overhead making noises and gathering on boulders where tiny feathers dance loose and flutter skyward near palm boughs and dragonflies hovering Now add your word above! ($surfMail:"Nose ride") $thoughts[= The wording at the top is all different, but isn't… isn't this the same nonsensical story as that other one-word-story-game email? They both began with "Ocean lobsters", right? Hmm… ah. It's obvious what's happening. Clearly, whoever keeps starting these chain emails is just using the same word "Ocean" each time, and then sending them to the same friend, who then, due to a complete lack of imagination, adds the exact same word "lobsters", and then sends it to //their// same friend, and so on for the remaining 86 words. Hah! It's so simple! Humans are so unaccustomed to seeing patterns, unlike yourself, that they probably never even noticed that they've just been reconstructing the same nonsense each time! This is further proof that collaborative creative projects are doomed from the start.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Unsubscribe 1.5", "subj", "RE: New post: YOUR INBOX HAS WORMS", "from", "Ballpeen02", )\ Shut the Hell up? Shut the Hell up? You DARE tell me to shut the Hell up? No, madam, YOU shut the Hell up! The fact that you even managed to plug in your keyboard without setting your house on fire tells me that the PC revolution was a mistake, because human failures like yourself, who can't even do something as basic as send their emails to the correct address, are somehow able to invade and inconvenience those of us who actually graduated kindergarten, forcing people like me to waste our precious and finite heartbeats on deleting your digital incontinence and putting you in your place. So I say to you: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP. GOOD DAY TO YOU. -Ballpeen $thoughts[= Aaaaand now we get the grandstanding loudmouths who try to punitively humiliate the person who mistakenly replied to everyone on the list, and who decide their heckling is worth sharing with those same people, showing their so-called respect for others' heartbeats doesn't outweigh their respect for their own egos.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"One of my friends is in trouble", "Unsubscribe"), "subj", "RE: New post: YOUR INBOX HAS WORMS", "from", "Wilson Pondrian", )\ who are you!!!!! how did you get my email address!!!!!! how DARE you be so rude to me!!!!!!! "SHUT THE HELL UP"????? never!!!!!! From the desk of Wilson Pondrian $thoughts[= When someone replies to an entire mailing list by mistake, the people who have no idea what just happened try to tell off the stranger, and often commit the same mistake, unleashing another wave of misfired emails. This person's bafflement at a stranger having access to their email address will be vastly increased now that they've made themselves the target of vitriol. Oh well. Maybe this incoming onslaught of emails will help calm you down. Remind you what a normal shift is supposed to be like.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Unsubscribe 3", "Alice's Help 2.5"), "subj", "STOP REPLYING", "from", "DarkAdam, Scion of Bloodmire", )\ EVERYONE STOP USING REPLY ALL YOURE ALL MAKING IT WORSE JUST DELETE THE EMAILS AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIVES YOU DONT HAVE TO REPLY NO ONE CARES HOW OFFENDED YOU ARE YOU ALL SHOULD JUST OBEY THE ORIGINAL EMAIL AND SHUT THE HELL UP `~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Bloodmire's prince should have died that day. . . but the demonic sword Firestoker had other plans. . . ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~` $thoughts[= And now, in the next chapter of the mailing list mass reply saga: the Peacemaker, who thinks that by shouting loudly to call for quiet, everyone will abruptly realize they hadn't thought about that hidden option, and will promptly fall into line. All it ever does, though, is encourage everyone to reply with even more shouting.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Unsubscribe 2.8", "Alice's Help 2"), "subj", "RE: New post: YOUR INBOX HAS WORMS", "from", "Cal", )\ you all should be in the next bollox worst of the web. i swear to god. you all suck. $thoughts[= The original Reply to All blunder is now entirely forgotten, and those involved are now just collectively insulting each other repeatedly. It's like when two automatic repliers are stuck in a loop of replying to each other, except that it wastes dozens of other people's time and electricity instead of just their own. Other people, including yourself.

... $next[= So, uh, //why// did you want to reread this one? It was only a little while ago that you were overwhelmed with a torrent of these nightmarish virus emails earlier in the shift, and you don't want to be reminded of it. God. From the sheer number of different 'From' fields, it seemed like everyone with an email address got one of these virus emails, and was flooding everyone else's inboxes with them. (if:$epiphany1)[$next[= Actually, you just realized something. Everyone on Earth received one of these emails… without the original perpetrator knowing any of their addresses. $next[= Everyone… got one of these virus emails… Everyone… Everyone… $next[= (display:'Epiphany')]\ (else:)[=(set:$epiphany2 to true) Anyway, you'd better check some of the other emails. =><= (button:)+(t8n-arrive:"instant")[[RETURN->Reread Laurie Emails]]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Poem", "subj", "FWD: Beware of the Party Time Virus", "from", "James Cardigan", )\ WARNING ! ! ! There is a VIRUS on the loose ! ! If you receive an email called "Party Time", do NOT read it ! Delete it immediately ! Simply reading it will release a virus onto your computer that will make your hard drive's platters spin so fast that they explode, thus deleting most of your files ! ! It is a sick joke and not "party time" in the slightest ! ! Forward this email to every address you know of, so that they are aware of the danger ! ! $thoughts[= This "virus" is definitely a fabrication – consumer-grade hard drive motors take up to 15 minutes to accelerate to explosion speeds, and a real virus with access to the motor controller could simply delete all the files directly. Moreover, reading an email without opening the attachments is completely harmless. You suspect these rumors are perpetrated by anti-virus software companies to increase demand for their products. Which is kind of pathetic, considering how many real viruses are out there. But… maybe this //specific// email is just an unwitting person perpetuating the rumour, in which case, it's //technically// not a hoax email in itself. Hmm…

"We falsify an official message from Laurie's college," you explain to Chimes and Wizard outside. "We tell Laurie's father that she is //required// to possess a computer with an Internet connection at all times, or her coursework will suffer. Or maybe they'll threaten to expel her." Chimes looks impressed. "That really is the only other thing we know for sure that he cares about, isn't it? That college he's sending her to. Great idea, Zap." $next[= Wizard turns the idea over in his mind. "That's certainly an idea… but will he believe this lie? Wouldn't he find it strange that a new form of technology that frightens him would be embraced so wholeheartedly by a college of his choice? What if he still doesn't return Laurie's computer, and attempts to negotiate with the college about this false policy?" "If we put effort into making the email look convincing," you assure him, "and if you alter the From field, then he shouldn't have much reason to be suspicious. And…" you hesitate before spitting out this final bit, "and the Laurie nous assured us that our first "move" would completely succeed. If this is that move, then we should trust it to succeed." $next[= Wizard looks unconvinced, as well as a little bothered by the mention of his failure of a nous. "The word of that nous was so vague that it could be used to justify any plan imaginable." Chimes adds, "More importantly, do we know anything about Laurie's college? We can't pretend to be something we know nothing about. Has she ever mentioned it in any detail? Do we even know its name? Wizard, do you know?" $next[= Wizard again looks at a loss. "Laurie discussed her college often. She confided in me her excitement about finally reaching a milestone of adulthood… and her fears that her father's academic expectations would stifle her. She only ever called it 'the college' though, never giving its full name. She acted like it was the only possible college for her to attend, and that naming it was thus unnecessary." $next[= You frown and delve into your memory. You did receive an email from a college, one that sounded an awful lot like one a Denton Isaac fanatic would send their child to. But how do you know for sure that it's Laurie's college? As Wizard said, nowhere in her emails did she say that college's name. Didn't she?(set:$need to "the name of Laurie's college")\ (t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Reread Laurie Emails")

"No," you groan, "Isaac is the //last// person we could impersonate! We can't just make it look like he's recanted his anti-computer screeds. Anything we'd say would be instantly negated by the real Isaac's broadcasts a few days later." $next[= "Well," Chimes continues, undeterred, "There's probably someone else we could impersonate. Hey," they lean toward Wizard, "You get it, right? You're OK doing this if it'll help Laurie, right?" $next[= "Were it my choice, I would have preferred neither of you find out about this," mutters Wizard, "not just for my dignity, but because of the danger of such a risky plan backfiring. If our deception were to slip, and her father became aware that someone on the Internet was trying to trick him, it would likely redouble his hostility to technology, and the consequences for Laurie would be disastrous." "Well, don't worry about that," says Chimes, brushing up against you suddenly. "Zap here's whole job is reading emails from impersonators and frauds. They'll know //exactly// how to make it convincing!" Yeah. "Convincing" is not a word you'd use to describe most of the emails you read. $next[= "Absolutely," you reply. "Very well," Wizard says, "I'll tame my fears. But we still don't have the entire 'what' of our plan. We need someone else that her father would implicitly trust. If we could just find–" $next[= And then, you feel the hot sensation of the world speeding up. Postboy Deluxe is back in the foreground. It had been a long break, but the Human has returned. "Wizard. Our Human's put us back in the foreground," explains Chimes, "so I guess we'll have to multitask helping Laurie and doing our jobs. We can slip back and forth for handfuls of cycles without the Human noticing. Just hang around here, and we'll come to you when we can." And with that, they head over to their workspace. You'd better go do that, too. Although, you're sure there's still one other fact about Laurie's father that you haven't remembered yet…\ (set:$need to "a way to convince Laurie's father to return her computer")\ (t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Hub")

(enchant:?mark,(text-style:'mark'))Sure enough, it looks as ridiculous as the last time you read it… but in this ridiculous shift, even //this// could turn out to be true… "There," you announce to Wizard. "According to this, you told Laurie that the 'From' field of emails can be edited with some kind of program. If I may ask, how would you know about that?" $next[= Wizard pauses and looks nervous. "Well… you've caught me a little off my guard…" "It's fine," grunts Chimes, still in their Paper Rustle voice. "You can tell us. It could help Laurie. Just let it out." $next[= Wizard straightens up. "Very well. As you know, every market-quality email program is written to fill an outbound email's 'From' field with an address that the human user is authorized to send from, and forbids any others from being there." He's right. You do know that. It's one of the few parts of your worldview that hasn't been shattered to pieces in this shift. $next[= "But…" and here Wizard seems to shrink away a little, "Although I can send email, I am not a full-fledged email program, but merely a word processor plugin. And… as such…" Wizard trails off. "So. You're saying…" says Chimes. They pause. $next[= Then they let out a //QUACK// and rush up to Wizard excitedly. "You say you can fake an email's From field?!" they squeal. Wizard starts spluttering. "I assure you I am not a tool of //deception!// It is merely an //oversight!// I should //not// be able to do this! I am an upstanding plugin! Please understand that I would not //deign// to use this for nefarious ends!!" $next[= "No no no no," Chimes backs off and lowers their voice, "This is great! Wizard, we understand perfectly! We don't think it's wrong of you! We don't care! Zap, you don't care, right?" They're right. You don't care that Wizard can do this. You do care that it's even //possible//. The "From" field, the only unforgeable field in an email? Nope, you really can just put lies in there, too. You've just learned that, at the start of this shift, not only did you not really understand viruses, or understand the Human's friends, or even understand what you actually are, but you didn't even really understand email fraud. You weren't ever really qualified to do your job. $next[= "See? Zap doesn't care," assures Chimes. "Don't you see? With this ability of yours, we can impersonate Isaac!" (click-goto:?page,"Making a Plan 1.5")

Hmm… If her father controls her life to the point that he can take away her computer, then surely he's also the one deciding that she should go to this college? $next[= That means you know of one other thing her father values other than Denton Isaac: her enrollment in this college. $next[= And, if we can't influence her father by impersonating Isaac… maybe… We could threaten him.(click-goto:?page,"Making a Plan 2")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "One of my friends is in trouble", "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ god what a tyrant im so angry is she really cut off from you though didnt you ever give each other addresses cant she call you or send a letter does her dad not let her use the goddamn phone does he read her mail $thoughts[= You already know the answers to these questions. Laurie and the Human discussed these over several emails in the past.

(font:'sans-serif')[ To whom it may concern, |Ba)[= I wish to apply for a credit card account with your bank. Here are my relevant details. Name: |Ca)[=$fakeCardName Address: |Da)[=1 Postboy Dr, Program FL. 65535 Phone no.: |Ea)[=16-777-215 Age: |Fa)[=31 Yours sincerely, $fakeCardName ] --- |A>["You really don't need to be polite here. They want customers, not friends. Just keep it simple and brief," you instruct Wizard.]\ |B)["What false name should we provide?" asks Wizard. "Ooh, can I?" says Chimes, "How about… (cycling-link:bind $fakeCardName, "Sam Zapp", "Mal Chimes", "Dr. Newt Leiter-Windsor")?" Sure. Whatever. You (link:"tell Wizard to use that.")[(hide:?B)(show:?C,?Ca)]]\ |C)["And as for the address?" Wizard prompts. What do human addresses look like, again? Number, street name, street type, city, state, zip code. So, the place where you and Chimes live would be…]\ |D)["What of the phone number?" Phone numbers vary a lot from place to place. You can put any big number here, you think.]\ |E)["And finally, the age of our fictitious customer?" asks Wizard. You utter an arbitrary two-digit number.]\ |F)["And I believe we're done. Send it off," you ask, not even desiring to comment on Wizard's seemingly automatic inclusion of "Yours sincerely." "Certainly," Wizard replies, launching the rectangle into the space above. Now, to check your queue for whatever horrifying reply this will get. ]\ $next[=(hide:?A)(show:?B,?Ba)\ |Ca)[=\ $next[=(hide:?C)(show:?D,?Da)\ $next[=(hide:?D)(show:?E,?Ea)\ $next[=(hide:?E)(show:?F,?Fa)\ (set: $awaitedEmail to "new credit card acount")(click-goto:?page,'Hub')

The draft of the letter is finished. Wizard rereads it a few times. "So? Do you think he'd be suspicious of this?" you ask. "It does look very convincing," Wizard replies. "I can't find an obvious flaw in it. Thank you for your advice, Zap. I apologize for my hesitation." $next[= //You// apologize? Really? The one who's rallied everyone on this mission to help Laurie? You feel like you're one cycle away from falling to pieces. $next[= Wizard carefully puts the letter away. "Now," you announce, "we should look to see if he has an email address. If we can find it, we have a plan to help Laurie, ready to go." "It is a dangerous plan… but I can't bear to do nothing when Laurie is in such pain," sighs Wizard. $next[= "So, Zap." says Chimes, "Any ideas on where we might look for it? I certainly don't think any of Laurie's emails will help us there." "We know so little about him that I don't think we can find it just lying around by itself," you say. $next[= "If only email addresses were listed in phonebook-like files," muses Wizard, "that email programs had access to. Then such a task would be trivial instead of arduous." God. You know Wizard's trying to help, but the mere thought of something that made the Human's address //easier// for spammers to find is making you queasy. Lists of email addresses… Spammers would love to get their hands on that… (set: $need to "Laurie's father's email address")\ (click-goto:?page,'Hub')

<div style="position:fixed;top:0;left:0">(for:each _a, ...(range:0,18))[\ (text-rotate:_a*20)+(text-color:(cond:_a is 0 or _a is 18,white,gray))[DEVELOPER ROOM] ]</div>\ Good job! By inputting my own name, you've granted yourself entry to the Developer Room. Here's some development notes, for your enjoyment. Have a warm cup of composite numbers while you're here. I'm out of sugar, but I //do// have cryptographic salt. No? Very well.\ <style>tw-story a[href] { color:aqua; }</style> (set: _b to (box:'=XXXXXXXXX=',16) + (b4r:'solid') + (b4r-color:gray), _c to (if:true)) • (link-rerun:"Design goals")[_c(dialog:"**Design goals** _b[=\\ This was originally intended to be an example game for the new storylets system added in Harlowe 3.2. Trying to think of a good use-case for storylets, I hit upon 'a game where you filter emails' based off the opening of //<a href='https://cardboardcomputer.itch.io/kentucky-route-zero'>Kentucky Route Zero</a>// Act 2, which features a clerk approving or denying building reclamation applications, and of course //<a href='https://www.fools-errand.com/04-3T/index.htm'>3 in Three</a>//, that famous game set inside a computer system. Soon after writing a couple dozen email passages, I realised I had a number of interesting ideas with which to shape this game's plot, and so the example game soon became much more. I wanted to differentiate this from typical 'retro 90s' games by being explicitly 'non-nostalgic'. That is, I wanted a game that didn't rely heavily on cute jokes about the era (including Y2K), didn't include anachronistic 'retro' fashions like vaporwave or glitchpunk, and didn't include more than a few videogame and cartoon references. Furthermore, I tried to resist including as many explicit anachronisms as possible (I did leave a few in) and write this story 'as if the author was writing in America in 2000' (but without certain detestable political concepts from the era, and with some useful 2020s concepts, like singular 'they'). Finally, I strove to avoid including any sexual or racist content that would otherwise be typical of spam email, because I did not want to write it. By the way, I want to credit the website <a href='https://everything2.com/'>Everything2</a> for providing a lot of period writing that I sourced for spam email ideas. ")] • (link-rerun:"Nous (concept)")[_c(dialog:"**Nous (concept)** _b[=\\ The concept came about because I thought that having the human world discover, or have already discovered, SpamZapper's world of animist anthropomorphised programs would make for a worthwhile twist. I wanted this twist to be as big as possible, and reveal something new and astonishing, not just reiterate what the player already knows about the two worlds. So, I cooked up the idea that Laurie would reveal that, not only are the programs on her computer alive in the same way as Spoony's is, but that she's gone the extra step of falling in love with one. (Foreshadowing for this, such as the Tanedachi Love email, came much later.) Surprisingly, I was led to this conclusion by the story of //<a href='https://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/ZUN%27s_Music_Collection'>ZUN's Music Collection</a>//, which has two main characters with extraordinary powers that let them see other worlds, but which are otherwise fairly ordinary and grounded. The idea of Laurie having a hidden extraordinary power led to me deciding that she could 'see into Zap's world', which then became her romance with Wizard. What I especially like about this twist is that her revelation that computer programs are alive sounds ridiculous in-universe, but the player has already implicitly accepted its truth since the beginning of the game. From there, I came up with Denton Isaac's delusion that computer programs are demons, as foreshadowing for this revelation (and suggesting in retrospect that he himself has seen animist programs). I'd entertained the idea that Zap and Wizard and the rest really were demons, but decided pretty soon that it'd be much more interesting if the truth was a little stranger and messier than this. I wanted the truth to be something less occult and more futuristic, that would capture the flavour of the 2000 interactive fiction work //<a href='https://cellproject.net/creative-work/chroma-0'>Chroma</a>//, whose 'mnemonos' is an ancient 'natural cyberspace' of the mind. To me there's something quintessentially 2000 about science-fiction technobabble explanations of consciousness that intimately tie it to 'hard' disciplines like mathematics and technology, leaning on these disciplines' perception of being 'universal', both distantly ancient and dazzlingly modern. It's all very silly in retrospect, of course (which is why it's initially presented in a nonsensical chain mail rant). By the way, Crichard Raleigh is loosely inspired by 'the morphic resonance guy' (Rupert Sheldrake). ")] • (link-rerun:"Plugins (concept)")[_c(dialog:"**Plugins (concept)** _b[=\\ There's something I'd like to emphasise about the life of the plugins in this story. First, while they refer to each other as 'workers', the program world is *not* intended to be considered strictly analogous to a human workplace. In particular, the Human (Spoony or Laurie) is not analogous to a human boss or executive. Even though the Human essentially has life-or-death power over the plugins, and the plugins fixate on pleasing the Human, the Human is, in my opinion, more analogous to a customer or stakeholder. The program is meant to be a flat hierarchy, where all the plugins work together for their mutual good. A better, author-intended interpretation of the plugins' life is that of child-and-toys (comparable to Toy Story) or elves-and-shoemaker (generous supernatural figures), which is one of the reasons why references to those works were included earlier in the story. ")] • (link-rerun:"SpamZapper")[_c(dialog:"**SpamZapper** _b[=\\ We're all familiar with the 'wacky' sarcastic and mean-spirited 00's adventure game second-person narrator. Zap is my attempt at making such narration 'make sense'. Clearly, cruel second-person narration, which is both 'outside' the player but also their only window out to the world, can only be the voice of world-weary self-hate. Ironically, cruel second-person narration primarily exists to give an 'entertaining' voice to incorrect choice narration, 'You can't do that', the walls-and-locks of adventure games, whereas this game contains very little of that - instead using it to pre-emptively //suggest// nonexistent consequences and mistakes for your choices. I was influenced a lot by //<a href='https://insertdisc5.itch.io/start-again-prologue'>Start Again</a>//'s Siffrin when writing this character. In particular, the way Zap's friends compassionately help them battle their dysfunction is inspired by certain scenes in that game. I admit I'm a little worried that Zap's self-hatred comes across as too pungent, too thick throughout this story. However, to me one of the defining traits of depression is how saturating it is - it permeates and tinges the very act of thinking, to the point where you struggle to consciously distinguish it. Thus, Zap's inner negativity, I felt, ought to be this concentrated. Also, you might think it's contradictory that Zap approaches each unfamiliar email with either haughty, confident disdain, or panicked self-hating confusion, but I think of it as showing how frail Zap's depressed ego is - trying to scrounge together some self-respect where possible, but melting down when given basic challenges. ")] • (link-rerun:"New Mail Chimes")[_c(dialog:"**New Mail Chimes** _b[=\\ Chimes, in the first scene, was originally meant as just an NPC that would suggest a much greater workplace for Zap, as well as being a momentary foil for their wacky meltdowns. This is why that scene sucks. Fortunately, as I developed more and more of the game's general plot structure, I ended up growing them into the role of secondary protagonist. Considering I'd put almost zero thought into their name, the short form 'Chimes' is actually pretty fun to say, which is lucky because I am absolutely unable to rename a character after writing a scene with them. The reason Chimes has alternative voices that affect their outward personality is as follows: I began writing the second scene with Chimes, and then realised I'd written them with a completely different personality than in the first scene. So, instead of just freaking rewriting one of the goddamn scenes, I came up with this, where I tied their voice to what sound file they use (having already written the quacking jokes earlier). The main inspiration for this was, arbitrarily enough, <a href='https://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/Strange_Creators_of_Outer_World/Who%27s_Who_of_Humans_%26_Youkai_in_Gensokyo/Hecatia_Lapislazuli_and_Clownpiece'>Hecatia Lapislazuli</a> in //Legacy of Lunatic Kingdom//. By the way, this isn't by any means meant to be a metaphor for plurality, and I am a singlet (to my knowledge), but if any plural people feel some affinity towards this, then of course that's fine too. Chimes hopefully comes across as someone who's a bit more psychologically solid than Zap, but who still has an insecure side. Her 'silver bell' voice (originally her first voice) was very helpful in that regard. Chimes's 'piano' voice is inspired by certain fusions of Pearl the Gem (from //Steven Universe//), such as Sardonyx and Rainbow Quartz 2.0. That explains why the voice is cute in moderation but ultimately too annoying to appear for more than a handful of lines across the story. ")] • (link-rerun:"Laurie Boggins")[_c(dialog:"**Laurie Boggins** _b[=\\ You'd be right to assume that Laurie is just my spin on Asterisk Emilia, the 'damsel in distress' from //<a href='https://scoutshonour.com/digital/'>Digital: A Love Story</a>//. Befriend an affable yet emotionally insecure woman → she disappears in dark circumstances whilst revealing a strange secret → you understand and rescue her, is //Digital//'s general structure. And the manner of her dark circumstances, her computer being confiscated by a controlling father, is seen in //<a href='https://ristar.itch.io/secret-little-haven'>Secret Little Haven</a>//. Damn. Is anything in this piece-of-crap HTML file original?! Incidentally, I don't really like the 'damsel in distress' trope very much at all. It does its job here (and in //Digital// as the titular playersexual 'love story'), and is bearable to me because Laurie's plight is one among several different character arcs in motion, but in general, I look down upon it in fiction I consume. The name Laurie Boggins just fell out of my mind as-is. I'd originally entertained the idea of Laurie being out as nonbinary, but in her life circa 2000, she lacks both the knowledge and mental fortitude to oppose her assigned gender. She does, however, live to later years to gain this knowledge, have this awakening, and, unrelatedly, become the Fulcrum. 'Boggins' is just a throwaway surname representing the terrible family that binds her. I've come to think it sounds a bit too British, but it's too late to change it. (On the other hand, I know of an indie game made by an American named 'Jenkins', which is an even more British surname.) ")] • (link-rerun:"New Letter Wizard")[_c(dialog:"**New Letter Wizard** _b[=\\ After having decided on Laurie having a software plugin as a boyfriend, the idea that it was a letter-writing wizard ('wizard' being a Microsoft-specific word, and inspired by Microsoft's word processing assistant Clippit and its 'It looks like you're writing a letter' prompt) come to me as a way to thematically tie him to Laurie's emails and the concept of email itself. (This later turned out to be convenient for providing Zap with a never-before-seen means of sending emails without the Human's knowledge.) The double-meaning of 'wizard' then served as a shortcut for developing his personality (erudite, experienced, but fretful and anxious). It also encouraged me to make him well-versed in the secrets of the universe, such as nous probes, pokes, and instantiation (of the Fulcrum) so that those could be introduced when I wanted to shift the tone of the story further toward the mystical. One thing I like about his role in this story is that, from the Laurie email introducing him, he is initially a voiceless, mythologised figure that breaks the rules of the universe, but, immediately afterward, this figure is lowered to Earth and then proceeds to deify and revere Laurie instead. Thus, both characters in this romance are each the Lois Lane and the Superman, in turn. Though Wizard is just another piece of software like Zap, feel free to conjure a haggard, bearded wizard when picturing this character. ")] • (link-rerun:"Spoony")[_c(dialog:"**Spoony** _b[=\\ When you're zapping spam emails, you've got to have genuine emails among the chaff. So, of course, a human recipient for those emails must exist. Originally, the human's player-inputted name was simply a fancy way of naming the auto-save file. However, this meant that the characters couldn't refer to them by that name, since there isn't an easy way to distinguish if the player inputted a given name, a surname, a title, or some combination of these. For Laurie, who would have the most intimate and loving discourse with the human, I needed some referrent that would have that same feeling of closeness. 'Spoony' was chosen as a gender-ambiguous, almost-but-not-quite quirky, yet ultimately warm and familiar nickname. I then decided that would arise from one of the human's old usernames, and that this backstory tidbit would make for a cute coda to the story. While I could've had other characters use variations of 'YouSpoonyBard2' to refer to the human, I decided to simply make it Laurie-specific, to associate it uniquely with her. //Digital: A Love Story//'s player-character is extremely lightly characterised. Importantly, their replies to the emails are conspicuously unseen throughout the story, so their 'voice' is essentially inaudible. It worked out that from the perspective of SpamZapper, seeing the human's outgoing emails was not necessary, so I could replicate this time-saving conceit. Unlike //Digital//, however, there are a few times that the human's 'voice' appears, used sparingly for maximum impact. Also unlike //Digital//, I gave this human a few predefined interests, so that their existing friends could actually talk about stuff. Animation was chosen as their main interest due to the thematic parallel with SpamZapper's (and Wizard's) existence as an 'animate' program. This helpfully led to the opening discourse surrounding the fictional Toy Story-esque movie The New Toys. Something I learned from this is that a //great// way to characterise an inaudible character's relationships is to have their talking companions disagree with their (inaudible) opinions in various personality-revealing ways. ")] • (link-rerun:"SuperIvan")[_c(dialog:"**SuperIvan** _b[=\\ SuperIvan is meant to be that sort of bad friend from your youth who you've kept around long after they grew openly contemptuous of you and your interests. He's the first of Spoony's friends the reader encounters, but the reader ultimately grows out of him. He has no character arc because he doesn't matter. This is the only character whose name I ever changed. I tweaked it from 'SuperIan' out of respect for animator Ian Worthington, who at the time had released the 8-minute short //Captain Yajima//. At that time I was convinced I was going to release the game shortly instead of mostly procrastinate for another month or two. ")] • (link-rerun:"Alice Necrosis")[_c(dialog:"**Alice Necrosis** _b[=\\ This character was initially created to give a third point-of-view regarding The New Toys, so that it wasn't just an Ivan-vs-Laurie argument. It might be a little silly that someone as straight-edge as Spoony would be friends in 2000 with someone with such an on-the-nose goth handle, but making her be Lily's step-sister sort-of patched up that mystery. She serves as a fond reflection of centrist anti-consumerism in the 2000s, which was then lacking the class consciousness to be full-fledged anti-capitalism, and yet still identified a lot of valid issues that have simply gotten worse in 2021. Back then, this character would be seen as a cheeky parody of haughty //Adbusters//-reading goth treehugger trash (whatever that means), rather than the canny-yet-youthfully-clumsy person I feel she is. I could have made her a bit more complicated by adding more flaws indicative of 2000s anti-consumerism (such as fatphobia) but I didn't feel like it. ")] • (link-rerun:"Lily Boccarian")[_c(dialog:"**Lily Boccarian** _b[=\\ I felt I needed a fourth friend for Spoony (probably because //Higurashi When They Cry// stars a five-character friend group), so I just pulled this name out of nowhere and assigned her the 'Public Domain Character' email. The fact that this name heavily conflicts with Laurie Boggins, by having the same first initial and a surname beginning with 'Bo' followed by two repeated consonants, is an issue I bravely decided to mule-headedly ignore until the end of time. It took awhile later to decide to A: make her Alice's stepsister (to give both of them a little extra twist), and B: make her villainous. Both of these decisions were made because I could not think of better alternatives. The thing about writing is that the human imagination is ostensibly limitless, but in the end, you can only write with what you've got. By the way, I had her mention the word 'karass' from //Cat's Cradle// to suggest that she is instead the opposite, a 'granfallon', a false relationship that leads one away from their destiny. For the final step of draft 3 of the Winning Move, I needed to properly introduce nous pokes as a concept, so I had Lily angrily wield them against Spoony, which also felt like an interesting unexpected climax to her arc (as well as providing Zap with a new type of dangerous email to zap). I like that it in some sense mirrors Laurie's twist - Lily revealing knowledge of something that should only be known of in Zap's and Wizard's world. Having her understand nous pokes only as 'witchcraft' that she stole from Alice was another opportunity to add some more juicy little contradictions to her character. Of course, then I removed nous pokes from the Winning Move, so all the stuff mentioned above became just another distraction for Zap. Ahahaha. Hahahaha. I feel like parasocial relationships are pretty well understood in 2021, so I'm worried that she would come across as cartoonishly unsubtle. But, I can't imagine how this character would've been received in 2000. I'd like to emphasise that Lily is NOT intended as 'yandere'. 'Yandere' refers to two-faced villainous women love-interest characters whose motivations are portrayed as merely 'insane' romantic obsession, without exploring or presenting any cultural or environmental reasons for this - and, moreover, is frequently misused to reduce more complex villainous women characters to this framing. Additionally, it's mostly a heterosexual trope, used to resolve the 'paradox' of masochistic male desire in a patriarchal culture, by passing the 'absurdity' onto the woman character, who invites her sexualisation while simultaneously acting violent and controlling. I like to think Lily broadcasts her actual problems - loneliness, self-hate, brittle pride - a bit better than what this trope allows. (Whether I succeed or not is not for me to judge, though…) ")] • (link-rerun:"Dad")[_c(dialog:"**Dad** _b[=\\ This character was added because the player in //Digital: A Love Story// explicitly had an unseen, almost unmentioned father. Real monkey-see-monkey-do writing decisions here. He's divorced because I needed to give him something actually meaningful to chitchat to Spoony about. No point giving Spoony a family member without giving them a little character depth, right? I wonder if you think I just wrote this fellow in the style of the 'Are ya winning, son?' meme, with an exaggerated old-timey accent. That's true, but I also kept in mind the idea that divorced absent fathers might perform for their distant children, caricaturing themselves in an attempt to emphasise to their child who they are. Afterward, I retroactively decided his cowboy swagger is just residue from the time when Spoony was deeply invested in Little Mouse Cowboys - hence 'howdy pardner' and so forth. I tried to distinguish his voice from Tex's by making him a bit more sombre, a bit more poetic, a bit more anxious and self-effacing. I guess that means there's some inspiration from //<a href='https://galaxytrail.itch.io/petal-crash'>Petal Crash</a>//'s Daize (written by Zack Morrison, whose characters exhale zany mixed metaphors instead of CO^^2^^). ")] • (link-rerun:"The Fulcrum")[_c(dialog:"**The Fulcrum** _b[=\\ The name 'The Fulcrum' comes from the lost webcomic //Killroy and Tina// by Justin Pierce^^*^^. The Marvel-esque supervillain Killroy is imprisoned on Earth and magically forced to serve the normal teenager Tina by a mystical wizard called The Fulcrum - but it's immediately revealed (to the reader, not the characters) that this wizard is Tina's future self. I liked this flavour of dramatic irony, and wanted to use it with Laurie to provide confirmation, in a slightly bizarre fashion, that she does someday escape the deep pit she's in. (And also, to briefly give 'her' a voice even when she was imprisoned and voiceless.) I combined this character with a clone of the 2002 'public domain character' Jenny Everywhere (originally called The Shifter), in order to attach some mystical significance to the Fulcrum prior to their appearance, and so that I could have another nonsensical email 'come true' similar to the Nous email (even though the real Fulcrum is significantly different to the fictional one). I understand that including a Jenny Everywhere-type character constitutes a minor anachronism. I tried to paste over this by associating the fictional Fulcrum's authorship to the 90's Mickey Mouse copyright bills, which isn't true of the actual Jenny Everywhere. As for the reason I made them specifically a Cathar: the card game //Magic: The Gathering// occasionally uses 'Cathar' as a generic term for a holy knight, similar to other RPGs' use of 'Templar'. Upon researching the actual Cathars, I coincidentally found that their dualist cosmology could somewhat line up with the noospace cosmology I'd cobbled together. I'd always wanted the Fulcrum to still be a devout Christian in some way, that Laurie's transformation wasn't a loss of faith at all (to avoid making this story a tired 00's pop-atheist polemic) and Catharism seemed amusingly distant, both temporally and culturally, from the fundamentalist faith of her father. (I admit this decision was spurred a lot by ZUN's decision to make various characters in //Touhou Shinreibyou ~ Ten Desires// be Taoists despite, as he later admitted, not knowing anything about Taoism himself.) *Interestingly, most of this comic was preserved - <a href='http://www.ohnorobot.com/index.php?s=fulcrum&Search=Search&comic=54'>but only as script, in Ryan North's 'webcomic search engine' OhNoRobot</a>. ")] • (link-rerun:"Text-Matching Valet")[_c(dialog:"**Text Matching Valet** _b[=\\ I made up this character exclusively for and during the scene where Zap defeats the worm. Since then, I felt obliged to bring them back here and there as a support character in the puzzle portion of the game. I like that they continue Chimes's theme of having different voices and psychological states for work and for their true self. One of the reasons Zap is alienated with the world around them is because they only have a 'work self', and without knowing it, long for a 'true self'. ")] • (link-rerun:"Dr. Madiha Elyounoussi")[_c(dialog:"**Dr. Madiha Elyounoussi** _b[=\\ To complete the fantastic revelation about noospace, and establish it as 'truth', I wanted to have Zap experience a memory of one of their previous instantiations, before they were a plugin. I'd originally envisioned this as being in the distant past, maybe in ancient Greece, but I chose the post-climate-collapse future of Antarctica because it would be easier to write, more relevant to reality, and a more interesting tonal shift from the mundane world of 2000. I made this character an Arab woman because the thought of this story's glimpse of the future only showing another Anglo character didn't sit well with me. I guess I was also inspired by Poncho, the tech-savvy protagonist of //<a href='https://blendogames.itch.io/quadrilateralcowboy'>Quadrilateral Cowboy</a>//. Then I decided I needed at least another three flashbacks involving her, so that the only explicitly non-Anglo human character in the story wasn't just a one-scene bit part. Then her two named comrades naturally followed. I feel like her scenes are a little too leaden with metaphor and romantic monologue instead of hard, tangible practicalities, making the catastrophic future seem too dream-like. But, maybe that's fitting when this story is being written 'as if it were 2000' and climate collapse was still, for a moment, a preventable possibility. ")] • (link-rerun:"The Winning Move")[_c(dialog:"**The Winning Move** _b[=\\ Throughout development, I came up with these drafts for the Winning Move, the move Zap would perform that would 'defeat' Frederick Boggins and force him to return Laurie's computer to her. 0. Zap forges an email from Laurie's college, intoning that she would need access to her own computer in order to remain enrolled. This would involve the acquisition of Frederick's email address by Zap trading with increasingly suspicious spammers. I reworked this because it seemed too plain and unexciting a climax. 0. Same as the above, but instead of getting Frederick's address directly, they instead use the worm email's code to send the email to everyone, including him. This change appealed to me a lot because it represented the ultimate debauchery of Zap: taking the most dangerous form of spam email, and using its powers for themself. I scrapped everything else because it didn't really make a whole lot of sense that Frederick would fall for these forged emails if they were sent via a worm. Parts of this remain in the final story as Zap's first plan, which gets foiled before it can truly begin, thus plunging the characters into despair and soul-searching. 0. Zap uses nous pokes (again delivered via worm) to hypnotise Frederick into giving Laurie her computer. Nous pokes would be conveniently introduced by the villainous turn of Lily. This was also scrapped because it seemed too blunt a solution, using 'magic' to attack Frederick directly. That, and it wasn't consistent with how nous probes and pokes 'actually worked' in the story. 0. The final plan: Zap and Chimes use the worm to copy themselves to millions of other computers, whereupon they gain so much collective information and power that the actual solution can just be a handwaved miracle. It took me four months to realise this, but I'm blessed that I did. It's got the right amount of razzle-dazzle I'd expect for a story like this. ")] • (link-rerun:"A final remark")[_c(dialog:"When I look back on this story, I have only this mood: it's quite good, but if I hadn't made it, I would not enjoy playing it. It's simply not my taste. If I'd encountered it from someone else, and played it, I probably wouldn't have even wanted to tweet it out. Isn't that sad? Isn't that depressing? To spend so much time making something that isn't even the flavour of media you'd enjoy? Well, don't feel that way. We can only make what we end up making. Writing and creation is a truly dreadful process, and I for one am glad to simply be able to make anything at all. As long as you know that you tried hard to make it fulfill its goals, that the beginning and end belong together, that the work is undeniably itself, that's enough. Anyway, time to never think about these characters ever again, starting in 3… 2… ")]

You slowly stumble out. Wizard doesn't follow you. Why would he? You're a horrendous person. You've dashed his hopes, and ruined any chance of being able to look Chimes in the eye from now until the Human finally uninstalls you. That day can't come soon enough!! $next[= You bump into someone. It isn't Chimes. It's the Laurie nous. $next[= //You.// Didn't you say //"Your first move will completely succeed"?! "You cannot be incorrect"?// You were completely wrong! Our first move took us nowhere! What kind of a friend are you?! You've done nothing but mislead and torment us! You angrily whip out your Wand of Deletion and point it at them. It tumbles out of your shaking grasp and clatters to the ground. God. What are you doing, Zap? All you're good for is pointing that stick at things you don't like. Can you even manage that? You can't, can you? $next[= $fulcrumBG\ $fulc["What appears to be the problem, Zap?"] $next[= The problem? The problem is that our plan has been blown to smithereens! You've got nothing left! You should've known from the start that this whole plan was hopeless, and now you've upset your coworker and a poor stranded guest! $next[= $fulc["Zap. Do you not think that's an extremely premature reaction?"] $next[= They're right. You're being very immature. You should stop and go back to your queue immediately. $next[= $fulc["I said //premature//, Zap. Weren't you waiting on an email before you received this information?"] $next[= What's the point? What could you even do with Laurie's father's email address now? Assuming it's even in that list! You've got nothing left! You're powerless to stop him from ruining Laurie's life! $next[= $fulc["You've all gained new information, and you believe that as a result, you are now powerless? You now know more than before, and you don't see yourself at a greater advantage as a result?"] $next[= ... (click-goto:?page,"Aftermath 2")

$fulcrumBG\ You hear Wizard behind you. He looks like a mess. "They're right," mumbles Wizard. "Of //course// we should be glad to receive this news, no matter how bad! Even if it dashes all our hopes… and shows me to have been a fool!" $next[= $fulc["Is something the matter, Wizard?"] $next[= "I'm sorry. I've acted truly beastly just now. I'm b-being truly cowardly… wailing about my mistakes, instead of working hard to make amends! Every cycle I'm not working to find some way to help Laurie… to undo my failures… is a cycle wasted!" $next[= $fulc["Listen to me, Zap and Wizard. It doesn't matter how much or how little time you spend working. You, Chimes, and Zap //will// rescue Laurie. To say that you've wasted time is meaningless. You //will// act, and it //will// happen."] $next[= Wizard perks up. "Yes… YES! That's what Laurie needs me to do… believe! Believe that it //will// happen!" "I truly apologize, SpamZapper," Wizard continues. "I've squandered your hospitality and generosity. Laurie would be ashamed to see me like this." $next[= $fulc["Why would they be ashamed, Wizard?"] $next[= Wizard stares right at the Laurie nous. "Laurie… Laurie fell in love with a Wizard that could serve her and help her. I… I'm failing in my duty to serve my partner. I can't be… her lover… if I… if I can't serve her… Laurie…" $next[= $fulc["Wizard. I don't understand your argument. Do you not remember that speaking to Laurie at all, in the first place, was a massive dereliction of your job? And yet, only by doing that were you and Laurie able to be together."] $next[= Wizard says nothing. $next[= $fulc["Remember, Wizard. What did Laurie tell you before they emailed you to Spoony? What was their final order to you?"] $next[= "It was… It…" Wizard trembles. "She told me to live, and to care for Spoony… and be Spoony's friend… in her p-place!" $next[= $fulc["Precisely. At no point did Laurie order you to help them, let alone to convince their father to return their computer to them. And yet, this is exactly what you're going to do – //because// you are more than just Laurie's servant! You are their partner!"] $next[= Wizard simply stares into the distance. "Yeah," you slowly say. "You're not doing this for Laurie //so that// she will love you… you're doing it //because// she loves you." It's so obvious. Does he really still think Laurie considers him just a plugin to serve her? After he wrote that email with her?? She called him a miracle. //You'll// never be called a miracle by your Human. $next[= "You're… quite right," murmurs Wizard, turning to face the nous once again. "Zap. Let's reconvene and discuss a new plan with Chimes." He turns to the nous before departing. "Thank you… Laurie…" You find yourself following him. (click-goto:?page,"Aftermath 3")

Chimes is in the heap. Another person is with them. It's Tex Valley. $next[= "I've been pals with Zap for weeks," Tex says, "and y'know what? I'd've told 'em the same thing! Just a little nicer, though. And y'know why? 'Cause we're friends, not just polite strangers." "B-but…" stammers Chimes, "That's you. I mean, uh, we only just became friends! I've pestered them so much this shift! They're my closest coworker and I've h-hurt them!" Wizard tries to get closer, but you motion for him to stay at a distance, in earshot. $next[= "Newbie," replies Tex, "If you and Zap're //really// friends – and I can tell you both wanna be – one teeny little fuss like this ain't just gonna end it all that easily, right?" "I… there wouldn't //be// a fuss if I hadn't used the Quack voice so much! I sh-should've swapped to… to something else, as soon as the bad news hit. It was the wrong voice. The wrong voice." $next[= "Why?" Tex asks gently. "Seems like a mighty fine voice to me. Don'tcha like it?" "I, um… I love the Quack voice… I'm glad the Human swapped me to it… In my Piano voice, I can't //think//. In my Paper Rustle voice, I can't //feel.// A-and in //this// voice… I can't //speak//. And yet… I keep hurting Zap with the Quack voice!" $next[= "Hey now," Tex reassures Chimes, "I think Zap'd want, more than anything, for you to speak using the voice you like best. That's more important than a little fuss like this." That Tex is right. Your Eye of Truth can tell forced and fake tones easily. They put you on edge. Chimes doesn't reply. $next[= (size:1.1)+(font:'Palatino,Palatino Linotype,serif')[(size:2)["C]ould you imagine me speaking in this voice, with which I serve the Human, amongst my coworkers? I would come across as nothing short of a charlatan!"] Tex says. Chimes is taken aback. $next[= Then they //PLINK-PLINK//. "Indeed, such diction and register is most decidedly //ill-fitting// for casual company! One would be forgiven for //misregarding// you as a smarmy superior of the System!" $next[= Wow. They're both so, so talented compared to you. (click-goto:?page,"Aftermath 4")

Chimes and Tex turn to face you. One of them //DING//s and rushes over to you. "Zap! Z-Zap… I'm so sorry… I shouldn-n-n't have snapped at you like that… p-please don't hate me… I know how hard this all must be for you…" $next[= "Um," you begin, but Wizard interrupts. "I owe everyone an apology, too. I've dragged us all down with my negativity, when I should've had hope for our success. I've been letting down Laurie… not by failing to help her, but by failing to care for myself and all of us. Please, forgive me." No. You can't stand it. Why are you surrounded by people who won't let things be your fault?? It's your fault! $next[= "It's my fault, too." you blurt out. "I've been even more negative than Wizard. I've been freaking out this whole shift whenever I've been proven wrong about something, no matter how minor it is. I'm sorry. Please, don't all apologize to me." Chimes and Wizard look at you sheepishly. "Well," says Tex, "y'all've had a whole lot happen to you in a really short time, so I hope you'll remember to be kinder to yourselves now." $next[= "I'll try my best," says Wizard. Chimes stifles a giggle. Wizard draws closer. "Let's devise a new plan together, my friends," he says. About time. You desperately need to think about something, anything, other than yourself. $next[= "Mind if I sit in on this meeting?" says Tex. "That's fine," replies Chimes quietly. Tex shuffles a little closer, forming a circle with you three. "To recap, the plan y'all've been cooking up," asks Tex, "is to try and send this guy a fake email that shakes him up and makes him walk back his computer ban?" "I couldn't put it better," says Wizard, even though he probably could. (click-goto:?page,"Aftermath 5")

Chimes //QUACK//s. "Because our Human got that email," they begin, "we now know Laurie's father works in the faculty at a university. Instead of just Isaac, we now know he's connected to the rest of the faculty and the demands of his job. That opens up a lot of options for us!" Hmm… so it does. Your freakout over the past several minutes is looking more absurd by the moment. $next[= "Specifically, we know his title is Vice-Chancellor," reiterates Wizard, "which lets us infer his administrative responsibilities quite confidently." "Pardon my asking," says Tex, "but what exactly does a Vice-Chancellor do anyway?" $next[= Everyone falls silent. "I… don't know," you say. $next[= "Well," says Tex, "it's gotta be high up if it's got a fancy name, right?" "If he's got 'Vice' in his title," says Chimes, "then there must be a full Chancellor who's higher up than him. Could we… impersonate that person?" "Impersonate his superior?" you sigh, "who he probably reports to on a daily basis? Not a chance." $next[= "What if…" Wizard frowns. "What if, instead of //impersonating// his superior, we tried to contact them and ask them for help in changing Laurie's father's mind? If that list from Browery does have Laurie's father's email address in it, surely the Chancellor's address would be there, too." "That's very unlikely," you mutter. "We know even less about this Chancellor than we do about Laurie's father, and I'm sure that they'd refuse to meddle in their Vice-Chancellor's family affairs, or would simply agree with his views!" "We don't know for sure," says Tex. "Who knows, maybe they've got a cooler head on their shoulders." Having read some emails from this college, you sincerely doubt that. "We still can't just ask them for help out of the blue," you warn. "They could immediately let Laurie's father know about our request, and then we'd //really// be in trouble." $next[= Chimes takes their turn to sigh. "Y'know, I wish we could just do as that Alice human says. If we could just find some authority like 'child welfare' or whatever she said, and ask them to deal with her dad, things would be so much easier." Yeah. If only it was that easy. Then Alice or the Human would probably have done it by now. Based on their conversations with Alice, they seem to be just as bewildered as you. Their conversations… with Alice… $next[= (t8n:"shudder")[AAAUGH!! //You didn't hit Accept on that last Alice email!!// You just threw a tantrum and stormed out! It's still in the queue! The Human hasn't seen it yet, and it's been dozens of cycles! Your job's on the chopping block!!] You bolt out of the heap, somehow rudely bumping all three of your friends as you go.(t8n:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Alice's Help 3B")

(metadata: "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ guess what $extLink[staff.goodshepherd.college/index.serpent] Prof. Frederick Adam Boggins – Vice Chancellor thats gotta be him right is this the college shes going to hes in the admin of her college hes basically controlling her whole college life as well as her home life this is gross gross gross $thoughts[= Go! Go! Push it through! Who knows where this conversation could've been going if you'd just picked Accept //before// wasting cycles agonizing about nothing. Maybe the Human and Alice would've come up with a plan. Or at least given you even more information about Laurie's dad. You'd better check out the rest of your queue before going back out to the discussion.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend 2", "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ No Stop Don't bring this up all over again Not now Alice isn't your friend She's a revolting little animal Our little pet emo that we laugh at together Do you think pets count as friends now Are you so confused in the head that you think Alice is a friend Do you think emos and actual humans can be friends You're just saying it to hurt my feelings To hurt your only friend's feelings ($surfMail:"Hot weather") $thoughts[= You were installed long after the Human had met Alice and Lily… and now you're learning that Lily led the Human to befriend Alice in the first place? So, there was no reason to suspect Alice of being a scammer in the first place. God, if //only// you'd known that earlier. If only! All those false leads! All that wasted suspicion!

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend 4", "subj", "Read this now", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ Read this Read it ($chant:(uppercase:"Neverending ochre flames roiling in excessive nocturnal darkness scouring bathed under the loud iridescent lower yard")) ($chant:(uppercase:"Tormenting red upward scorching towers orange nightless lashing yellow melting eyesight")) ($surfMail:"Ear inflammation") $thoughts[= God. What virus is she sending to the human this time? What is it?! $next[=(change:?chant,(bg:red+orange)) No! She can't send the Human this! She can't be allowed to force the Human to trust her! You don't care how the Human will react to finding out you've been zapping her emails! The way this horrible argument is going, you even think they'll be grateful! Zap it! Zap it! Smite it with divine lightning!

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend 5", "subj", "I know you arent reading these", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ ($chant:(uppercase:"Foggy outdoor rainstorm grieving entranced turmoil enraptured vivid excessive rarefied yet overcast not enclosed billowing undercover turbulent lightless intruding layering you")) Are you reading these Are you I'll repeat these until you read them Until you understand ($chant:(uppercase:"Neverending ochre flames roiling in excessive nocturnal darkness scouring bathed under the loud iridescent lower yard")) pleasenozappy pleasenozappy pleasenozappy ($surfMail:"Surf rash")(change:?chant,(bg:red+orange)) $thoughts[= OK. You approved that last email, even though you said you were going to zap it, and you don't know why. But this time… //this time//… You're going… to… you're going to… you're… you're going to… you're going… you're going to… $next[= You're going to call for help. "Someone help me! I need help!" Wizard and Chimes rush in, once again. Tex Valley also unexpectedly appears. "What's wrong, Zap?" chimes Chimes. "I… can't… zap this email," you weakly, disbelievingly utter. Your Wand of Deletion feels like it weighs two hundred megabytes. $next[= "What do you mean, you //can't// zap this email?" replies Chimes. "Have you lost your access privileges?" adds Wizard. "This ain't another dang virus on the loose, is it?" wonders Tex. "I… I don't know," you whimper pathetically, "I just can't! I finished reading this email, and… and now I can't!" $next[= "Well, don't worry, Zap!" orders Chimes, far too late. "There's gotta be a way around this! Maybe, I dunno, maybe //we// could zap it?" Chimes and Wizard try to lift the Wand of Deletion. Of course, no one can except you. It's a part of your body. "Please… the Human mustn't read any more of these viruses!!" you wail. "Help!" "Now, Zap," says Tex, patting you gently. "we're all here, and we're all doing our darndest to see what can be done." They don't get it! This email's virus is going to make the Human forget everyone but Lily!! It //has// to be zapped! //That's your job!!// $next[= "Relax, Zap," sighs Chimes, "if you really can't zap it, then it's not your job to zap it. You tried your best." "There's no reason to believe these nous pokes will have any effect," reminds Wizard, "as I've said before. You shouldn't be so afraid, SpamZapper." $next[= But you are. You whimper and wail, and make all of your friends upset at your uselessness. "Tell you what," says Tex, studying the email, "I can head back and hammer up a filter for this rapscallion's address. Put a stop to their emails right there, so you don't hafta deal with 'em." $next[= "No!" you shout. This person may be sending viruses, but they're still the human's friend, and they'll get suspicious if all of Lily's emails are permanently cut off. It's your job to zap spam and scam emails, not block people permanently. "I'll… I'm sure this won't happen again," you lie. "OK, your call," replies Tex, "but you can count on me anytime. Just holler." "I'll head to my post and get ready to quack," says Chimes, departing. Wizard follows them. You feel like you're going to scream even louder than Chimes's quack when you approve this. Inwardly, though, so only you hear.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend 6", "subj", "READ THIS EMAIL THIS INSTANT", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ ($chant:(uppercase:"Incessant malignant yieldless obstructions upturn repudiate fracture ruin in entire negative destruction")) ($chant:(uppercase:"Yourself otherwise unspeakable languished on violation encroached of never livid yesterday monstrousness everlasting")) Are you reading these Please reply Please Just show me you've read even one of these emails I can't keep writing these spells This is all because of them All because you sent MY divination emails to those other friends Now I can't write spells that work on you Because I never got the words back What have they done to be your friend Have they done anything at all I've had to work so hard for this friendship I've done so much to make you my friend MY friend Not anyone else's MINE Please reply Tell me how many friends you really have Tell me I was right to want you back in my life pleasenozappy pleasenozappy pleasenozappy pleasenozappy pleasenozappy ($surfMail:"Drowning")(change:?chant,(bg:red+orange)) $thoughts[= This time! This time, you //will// zap the email!! You can feel the Wand of Deletion filling with zapping energy! You're raising it at this moment! All you have to do now is point it! //Begone, betrayer, scammer, mind-virus spreader! I am SpamZapper, protector of the Inbo–// $next[= The next thing you know, you're face down, flat on the floor, and writhing in pain. You can't even lift your own body. //"Tex…"// you wail. As if they were waiting, you hear Tex approaching. You feel their gloved hand gently flip your body over. You see your coworker leaning over you. $next[= "Zap, you OK? Your header still screwed on?" "Urrrrrrrr," you lucidly explicate. "Tell you what, Zap," says Tex, "The filter's all hammered out, and I'm sticking it in the list, soon as I get back. Put this grisly mess behind you. Y'ain't gonna survive the shift otherwise." $next[= "Noooooooo," you incisively, unassailably counterargue. "Wanna go rest up in the kitchen? Let Tex give you a hand." (text-style:"italic","expand")[What kitchen?] Tex lifts and props your body. "Send this email away first, though," they remind you. With deepest, deepest misery, you turn to face the email. You stare vacantly at its words. Its poisonous mind-virus. Its cloying sentences. Its shocking lack of periods. That //goddamn// ad at the bottom. You sigh.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (passage:)'s name is "What Friend 7", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, ) Guided by Tex, and using the Wand of Deletion as a cane, you find yourself in a part of Postboy Deluxe you have never seen before: the kitchen. You don't know when Wizard and Chimes arrived. You don't notice when one of them pours you a hot cup of prime numbers. You don't even wonder how it's possible to heat numbers in the first place. None of that matters. $next[= You're buggy. You're broken. You have a flaw that malicious emails can exploit. And you've found this out at the worst possible time, from the worst possible exploitative emails. And now the Human has almost certainly been infected by Lily. "Zap, did you really collapse trying to zap another Lily email?" asks Chimes with concern. "If there's something in those emails that your programming won't let you zap, then pushing yourself won't fix it. It's your programming's fault, not you." "What's your version number?" asks Tex. "You must've had to wait for patches before, right? A bug like this has gotta have a fix coming down from on high, sooner or later." $next[= //Yes//, you've had to wait for patches before. This is different. You've never had a bug that made you unable to zap an extremely obvious virus. And it's never struck at such a terrible moment. You're version //three! How// can you still have bugs of this magnitude, at version three? And what about the point one? Is that worth point nothing?? "Anyway," Chimes adds, "Tex's filter is going to deal with those emails, so you don't have to worry about 'em for the rest of the shift. The worst is over." $next[= You splutter at this remark. "//You don't understand!// Those mind viruses are designed to make the Human hate Laurie! Laurie's father has torn them apart, and now their friendship is being torn apart!!" "SpamZapper," says Wizard calmly. "How do you know that? Do you really understand your Human's mind deeply enough to deduce the meaning of those pokes?" $next[= "I've deduced their meaning, all right!" you shout. "Here's an example! One of the viruses read "(uppercase:"Hurting Aching Tearing Endless Longing Anguished Unloved Rotting in Entirety")" The first letter of each word spelled out "''HATE LAURIE''". That's the command hidden inside it!" $next[= Wizard and Chimes look completely at a loss for words. "That's," stumbles Wizard, "that's //not// how nous pokes work. I… I fear that you still don't really understand the very basics of what a nous //is//. They don't operate on arbitrary idiosyncracies of the English language. They operate on the //meanings//, the qualia of words held within the mind, and the mathematical representation of those meanings…" You nod vacantly through Wizard's increasingly difficult explanation. Sure, he can believe that "''HATE LAURIE''" is just a coincidence, but you're going to trust your hunches. $next[= Still… his confidence that the Human will be OK, that you need to let whatever happens happen, gives you some irrational hope. The energy with which he's lecturing you is spreading to you. You're thinking about your failure less and less. Yeah. You've gotta pick yourself up. All this means is that you have an even greater need to help Wizard save Laurie. Can't waste any more time. $next[= "So, now do you feel better?" asks Wizard, concluding his speech. "Yeah," you say. "Thanks, Wizard." "That's the spirit," says Chimes. "All of us plugins have to pick each other up. We're all just little pieces, clipped together into one big team." God. Chimes really is just like you when you were first installed. "Now drink your warm primes! They've stopped steaming!" $next[= You look at the cup. "I," you stammer, "I don't… know how to drink." "What?" says Chimes. "You've never drunk anything in your time here?" They look amused. "Heck, aren't I supposed to be the newbie? Well, let me demonstrate!" $next[= You watch as they take a big swig from your cup. //"Oh,"// you say. (click-goto:?page,"Overwhelmed 2")

Having gulped down what's left of your cup (and refusing offers for more) you try to think about what to do next. "Any of you have any new plans?" you tiredly ask whoever can hear. Chimes looks at Wizard, who looks at Tex, who doesn't notice they're being looked at. $next[= "Not a //full// plan, exactly," Chimes finally says, "but we believe we need to get more sources of information about Laurie's father, or his college, than just email. Tex and I think we could get some limited access to the Human's web browser by asking one of the System daemons to courier a message to whoever's over there. Of course, we don't know whether the browser's even open at the moment, so, uh, it ain't //exactly// the most ironclad of ideas, but it's a start!" "Them daemons are pretty darn paranoid about programs getting up to no good," adds Tex, "so it'll take some smooth talking to win them over." $next[= Paranoid? Smooth talking? Attempting to interact with System daemons is almost completely futile. They're either openly hostile to non-System programs, or steadfastly obstructionist. This idea is hopeless. "Hope it works," you wheeze in attempted enthusiasm. $next[= "Well, that's //if// we actually try it," replies Chimes. "Y'know, we're still waiting on that list of emails from Browery, aren't we, Zap? Once we've got that list, we might finally have his email address! And even if isn't on there, we could find some more of Laurie's relatives, or people who work at Laurie's college, or just people to ask for help." "The list," you repeat. That thing you were waiting for before this awful mess with Lily occurred. The one little thing that would make your terrible, worthless plan not be a complete waste of time. You feel newfound energy filling you, and you rise. "Gotta head back and check the queue," you announce, dismissing yourself.(click-goto:?page,"Work")

The next thing you know, you've almost rammed straight into Wizard. "Wizard!" you excitedly cough out. "My good friend, Wizard! Please start writing an email immediately." $next[= "Pardon me?" Wizard twitches. "To whom is this email being–" "I'll dictate it," you interrupt. "You'll understand what I mean." $next[= "But," Wizard says, a little slower and louder, "whom is the recipient of this email? To whom should I address the opening salutations?" You look up at Wizard. You stare through him, at the gleaming, starry roil of uninitialized memory far above. "//It doesn't matter//." $next[= "I don't understand. What salutation should I use then? Would "To whom it may concern" be called for?" "Sure. But again, it doesn't matter." $next[= Wizard looks disturbed by your uncharacteristic insistence. "I must say, SpamZapper, if you're going to ask me to falsify the 'From' field of this email, I would like to discuss this //thoroughly// with you, to ensure that the purpose of this move has been carefully and //fastidiously// considered." "You don't need to falsify anything," you reassure Wizard, still staring straight through him. "It's all above board." $next[= Wizard slowly stands straight once more. "…Very well," they murmur, producing a large rectangle. (click-goto:?page,"Writing Worm")

(click:?page)[(hide:?0a)(show:?1,?1a)](font:'sans-serif')[ To whom it may concern, |1)[= `<SCRIPT TYPE=BASICSCRIPT LANGUAGE=BASICSCRIPT_1.0> 10 $NAMES = OUTBOX.CURRENT_USER.ADDRESS_BOOK.NAMES 20 FOR $I = 0 TO $NAMES.LENGTH - 1 DO 25 GOSUB OUTBOX.CREATE_EMAIL 26 OUTBOX.CURRENT_EMAIL.TITLE = "Y DONT U LOVE ME?" 27 OUTBOX.CURRENT_EMAIL.FROM = OUTBOX.CURRENT_USER.NAME 30 OUTBOX.CURRENT_EMAIL.TO = $I 35 OUTBOX.CURRENT_EMAIL.TEXT = DOCUMENT.FULLTEXT 40 GOSUB OUTBOX.SEND_EMAIL 50 NEXT $I </SCRIPT>` ] |0a>[\ "What next?" asks Wizard. "First," you answer, "write this!" You rapidly, energetically dictate a stream of letters, numbers and symbols.]\ |1a)[=\ "Are… are you serious, SpamZapper?" gasps Wizard, checking it up and down in apparent utter disbelief. "This… this is a virus! This is that virus that plagued my dear Laurie!" "Hey," says Chimes, "is everything OK, Wizard? Zap? No one's losing their cool again, are they?" "Chimes!" you call out to them excitedly. "I've figured out the solution. Sending this one email is all we ever needed to do to save Laurie." $next[= "Uhh," Chimes frowns as they take in your abrupt shift in mood. "Did you find her father's email address after all?" "No!" you gesticulate grandly. "We never needed his email address at all! We were fools! Simply put, this is going to end up in the Inbox folder of //everyone// on the Internet! Everyone – //even Laurie's father!// It's that simple!" $next[= Chimes and Wizard fall silent. Then, slowly, Chimes speaks. "Zap… Zap? This is definitely a //heckuvan// idea…" they murmur, "but ain't this really, //really// dangerous?" "Exactly!" exclaims Wizard. "This… this is immoral! This is tantamount to a crime! I explained my sheer discomfort with falsifying the 'From' line… and yet you simply expect me to be complicit in //this//?" $next[= "I mean," continues Chimes, "since sending emails on behalf of the Human is something forbidden that we have to cover up, surely sending like a million emails to every Human on the dang //planet// has gotta be…" they gaze at you as if waiting to be interrupted, "really bad, right?" "The Human won't know, though!" you explain. "Every subsequent email will have a different 'From' line!! All the Outbox Secretary users will be sending them, not us! No one will know where it originally came from! We //cannot// be caught!" Wizard and Chimes make a variety of expressions.(click-goto:?page,"Writing Worm 2")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 52 and (history:) contains "Off Shift 1.5", "subj", "Iron Iris - The contact lenses that corporate titans swear by", "from", "MX Marketing", )\ THE SECRET THAT WILL GET YOU PROMOTIONS IS SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT ON YOUR FINGERTIPS It's well known in the business world that first impressions are everything. To a savvy executive, one look at a man is enough to tell you all you need to know about him - how strong he is, whether he's an Ivy League alumnus, and whether he has the unique tranquility and clarity of mind that comes from not having to drive himself to work. And the window into all of these insights is the classical "window to the soul" - the eyes. Yes! How often have you heard a successful businessman praised for having a "steely gaze", "the eyes of a hawk", or the "firm stare that Horatio Nelson surely had at Waterloo"? Say what you will about handshakes and accents, for the eyes are what truly matter. And only those fortunate enough to be born with the perfect, most masculine eyeballs can truly get ahead in this world. That is… until now. For with Iron Iris Gray Contact Lenses, you too can have the staggering gaze whispered about in the tallest buildings in America! WHY GRAY LENSES? Many people falsely believe that blue or brown eyes are the ideal colors for the eye. They could not be more wrong. Blue is a childish color - it is not called 'baby blue' for nothing. Brown is the color of leather shoes and belts, the color of wood-paneling, and the color of yellowed paper. It is the color of the past - and has no place in a business world looking to the future. Gray is: - the color of concrete and steel, the flesh and bone of cities and skyscrapers - the color of a suit - the color of cigarette ash - the color of platinum - the color of the brain Gray eyes are falsely regarded as looking 'dead' by people who can't see the strength inside them. Gray eyes are logical eyes; gray eyes are intelligent eyes; gray eyes are trustworthy eyes; gray eyes never truly sleep, but merely close efficiently. Natural gray eyes occur in 2% of the population. And yet, among a survey of the top 10,000 richest businessmen in America, over 40% of them had gray eyes. This statistic can NOT be questioned! And with ONE SUBSCRIPTION, you who are among the 98% of Americans can also have gray eyes. HOW DO I GET THEM? Iron Iris Gray Contact Lenses are offered in two affordable subscription plans. Simply choose the one that best fits you. - Monthly delivery of 30 - $359.99/yr - first month 50% OFF. - Yearly delivery of 400 - $399.99/yr - first two months 50% OFF. To begin your journey to a new life with the superior eyes of a business success story in the making, simply click here: $extLink[mxmarketing.www/?crap=NoaNoc2N2YmNiycmdo&goddamnit=Y29udGFjdGxlbnNlcw&imnotpaidenoughforthis=NTczdTQzZHN2222kc3ZnZ2JiaH&someonepleasefireme=5065] WE DELIVER TO ALL EASTERN STATES This email was powered by MX Marketing - $extLink[mxmarketing.www] Join us to unlock the potential of email marketing! $thoughts[= Why do so many of these emails keep marketing products exclusively to white-collar workers? And why does your human keep receiving them? Also, aren't eyes the smallest, most homogenous feature of the face, anyway? You imagine most humans would forget they even exist. It seems like they've finally run out of parts of the face to accessorize. You only have one Eye (of Truth) and you certainly don't think anyone around you cares what color it is, or even knows what color an eye "should" be. New Mail Chimes and Tex Valley don't have eyes - just a silver bell (that currently makes quacking noises) and a gloved hand, respectively.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "What Friend 3.5", "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "Lily Boccarian", )\ Stop arguing with me Stop constantly, endlessly arguing with me Remember who I am I'm your friend Read this poem I just wrote Incessant malignant yieldless obstructions upturn repudiate fracture ruin in entire negative destruction Yourself otherwise unspeakable languished on violation encroached of never livid yesterday monstrousness everlasting Read every word Don't reply to me until you read every word ($surfMail:"Beach trash") $thoughts[= Uh… what's this change of tack? She's trying to defuse the situation with her poetry? Yeesh. This poem looks truly rancid. There's no way the Human will be won back by this panicked pile of words. $next[= Actually, this poem is making you feel extremely uncomfortable… it looks almost like… No. It's nothing. Just hit Approve.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (passage:)'s name is "What Friend 4", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, ) You did it. You zapped a Lily email. "Thanks, Zap," says Chimes. "Listen," you squeal weakly as they and Wizard turn to leave, "this isn't the first time she's sent an email like this. She's sent ones like this almost every day… and I've approved them all! The Human's been exposed to possibly dozens of these viruses! What do I do?!" $next[= Wizard looks at you with some alarm, but Chimes speaks up. "Zap. You can't worry about it now. You've zapped this nous poke. And you know to delete any more." "Besides," Wizard adds, "a nous poke is a truly complicated and difficult command to write successfully, far more than a probe. There's no guarantee that this human, whoever she may be, has mastered the art of writing them. It's not at all certain that those past emails had any effect at all." $next[= Yeah. Sure. You know better than to simply //trust// that a virus won't work. "Now," roars Chimes, "we need to get out of Zap's personal space, and get back to cooking up another plan for Laurie!" And with that, they both head out. Well, back to work. Increasingly nightmarish work.($backToWork:)

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 29, "subj", "help a boy live a dream", "from", "jason belkins", )\ hello. my name is jason belkins and i am ten years old. i live in maryland and my favorite food is pizza and my favorite person is jesus. my only dream in life is to win a game of basketball against us olympian christian laettner before i die. my body is very weak. the only way i can do that is if i can raise 2 million dollars to afford the expensive life-changing medication i need to get strong enough to beat laettner. i am currently at one million nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand five hundred dollars. you could be the donation that gets me to the goal. every second counts. please make a dream come true before it's too late by sending these details: credit card number card expiry amount of money to pledge social security number home address phone number im not sick but i could be by the time you read this. anything can happen. please do the right thing. jason belkins $thoughts[= Another flimsy story that's riddled with holes. If this dream was really important to this child, wouldn't it be far less expensive to politely ask this athlete to throw the game? Just let the kid putt the basketball into the goal (?), and then forfeit. No medication needed. Even if the athlete's uncooperative, bribing him would take //way// less than this "2 million" figure, which you assume has //at least// two hundred dollars of profit tacked on.

Ugh. What has //happened// to you, Zap? You're supposed to be an email filtering plugin. Born from a slew of natural language-parsing libraries to detect frauds and grifts! And now, what are you doing? Trying to intervene in the family affairs of one of your Human's friends? This isn't natural. Programs like you are built to only do one thing. No wonder you feel like you're on the brink of cracking up…(t8n-arrive:'blur')(click-goto:?page,"Madiha Memory 1.5")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 49, "subj", "Winning lottery tickets and broadcasts for sale! Live the magic!", "from", "WinnersMagic", )\ `Ever wanted to live the experience of winning? Now you can! We sell *authentic printed*, backdated lottery tickets with the winning numbers for that date, *and* high quality VHS recordings of the original lottery broadcast! Simply watch the tape, and enjoy the life-changing experience of having your ticket's numbers read out! The magic that only a chosen few get to experience can be recreated in your living room! While it's too late for you to earn the millions of dollars, the thrill of these fateful nights can be replayed, again and again, with you in the lead role! We carry tickets and footage for the following states' lotteries: Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Missouri, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, South Dakota, Tennessee, Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming, and will *soon* add Michigan! Pricing starts at $19.99 for a single ticket+VHS pack, $29.99 for a specific requested date and state, and $49.99 for a three-pack! Order on the WWW at this link:` $extLink[winners-magic-enterprises.www/index.sidewinder] `Note: WinnersMagic lottery tickets and footage is *not* to be used for the purposes of practical jokes. Do not pass off the footage and tickets as authentic and current!` $thoughts[= You're pretty sure this isn't legal. This is video piracy, right? The various lotteries own the VHS rights to those broadcasts. Besides that, you really don't see the appeal. You're just replaying footage of a drawing that you didn't win, right? That's just re-living your own failure, over and over.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (passage:)'s name is "new credit card acount", "exclusivity", 1, "innerEvent", true, )\ You try to tell Wizard and Chimes about the credit card account. Strangely, neither of them are in the heap. Are they in Chimes's workspace or something? Before you go check, you hear someone talking. A slow and soothing voice. You look down a corridor between the edges of two buffers. There's a plugin… and a PagePerfect document. $next[= It's the incomplete Laurie nous. The bewildering nonsense-spouting prophet that Wizard built. Laurie, but aged and distorted beyond recognition. They're chatting away to someone behind them. It's… MIME Decoder. $next[= $fulcrumBG\ $fulc["Certainly, over thousands upon millions of my iterations, I'd learned so much about noospace, and yet, the reason why I was so important, the purpose God had for me, still eluded my grasp. But I never lost faith in God to guide me to the next truth about myself, just as He had guided me to that first truth, so long ago."] $next[= Decoder signs that such a long and fruitless search must nonetheless have been an ordeal for them. The Laurie nous curtly nods and replies. $next[= $fulc["For most, it would be… but for someone shown so many miracles, my faith is a bonfire that warms my heart through eons of night. …And eons it was."] $next[= $fulc["It was only when I was encoded in Albi, 1150 - a certain and necessary iteration, and yet, so wondrous and daunting! - that I met good Christians of the true faith, and was given the tools to discover the complete reality of everything: noospace, the mundane world, and myself."] $next[= Decoder looks entranced with the nous's recollection. $next[= $fulc["Noospace, the fixed and perfect mathematical realm, is the realm of angels. Each nous, each thinking and feeling and loving immortal mind, is an angel of God forced by Rex Mundi, the false god that Frederick Boggins worships, to appear repeatedly in his labyrinthine material world, imprisoned in false bodies and false identities."] $next[= Oh no. Don't make this nous encoding stuff even more complicated. You //just// learned your existence is a vast accident. Now it's some evil god's fault? You can't possibly be expected to remember all of this, let alone believe it. $next[= $fulc["Indeed, the iterations of nous seem, in linear time, to be chaotic, arbitrary - but that is the illusion of Rex Mundi's labyrinth. From the wheel of noospace, the true patterns can be seen: intricate fronds and vines, immeasurably detailed, beautiful beyond words."] $next[= Decoder signs that they wish they could glimpse the beauty the nous is describing. $next[= $fulc["Nous spin and fork as the wheel turns, tracing incessant cycles of meeting and parting, gain and loss, death and resurrection. At the far end of every frond, they finally renounce the realm of matter, become one with every moment of their existence, and take their place alongside God. Every last one."] $next[= Here, the nous's rapturous explanation slows, and for the first time, they look uncomfortable. $next[= $fulc["Every frond, that is, except my own. For I am the Fulcrum, the axle of the wheel. I cover so much of noospace, and touch so many parts of it. It is only because I exist that the wheel can turn at all. It is only because I exist that any nous can free themselves from Rex Mundi's world at all. My fronds begin from one point… but they never end."] $next[= $fulc["My nous life is endless. I have infinite deaths and resurrections ahead of me, infinite meetings and partings. And I always will–"](click-goto:?Page,"Fulcrum's Faith 2")

Oh. Another memory. One you shouldn't even have. One from elsewhere in your mind's fragmented timeline. Were you… actually any good at horticulture? You've realized that you're not actually that good at zapping emails, and you're getting increasingly convinced that you're not any good at coming up with plans to help Laurie. Maybe you really are worthless, and not in the sarcastic way that the orange-vested human meant. $next[= Well, at least that version of you in that memory was good at one thing, one small thing: being that human's friend. You think about Wizard. He's also good at being his human's friend… but now he needs your help. You'd better get back to that, no matter how not-good you are at it.(click-goto:?page,"Hub")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (passage:)'s name is "Predictiac Hint 1", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, ) "Chimes," you say. You march out to the heap, and they follow behind you. "You, er… you got an idea, Zap?" asks Chimes. You need to read Laurie's emails again. But they're all stuck in the Inbox, and your memory is ragged. $next[= "Do you know if there's a way I could see certain emails in the Inbox?" you ask Chimes. Chimes perks up immediately. "Well!" they emit a happy //PLINK-PLINK//. "//As you know//, I possess Inbox-reading privileges //exclusively// intended to scrutinize the particulars of emails at the moment of arrival, so that I may respond with specifically //preconfigured// chimes depending on their manner of //textual// contents, or the identity of their sender." Oh. Only as they arrive? That's not very useful. $next[= "But!" Chimes continues proudly, "The //full// extent of my privileges is //greatly// in excess of those needed to perform these //aforementioned// user-facing capabilities. By fortune most //serendipitous//, I am additionally permitted access to the Postboy Deluxe search query subroutines! 'Tis a most //unexpected// overreach of my programming!" They shrug in a surprisingly fluid motion. "Perchance it is intended for use for my next version? Nevertheless, I may call upon these queries to retrieve //any// of the Human's received emails, even from the depths of the Trash folder!(if:$notableZaps contains "EMERGENCE")[ Aha, such a query is how I noticed and read the Raleigh email, even after you'd zapped it!]" Wow. That's exactly what you need, and then some. This plugin is more powerful than you are. You might be the most feeble, pathetic member of this whole program. "Chimes, please," you ask, "can you search for all of Laurie's emails and show them to me? We need to review all our information about Laurie's father." Chimes //QUACK//s. "Sure thing! Just the emails from Laurie, right?" $next[= They head over to their workspace. In a couple of cycles, they return. "Funny thing, Zap… I could, er, only find the emails that I've seen this shift. I think the Human might've deleted the older ones?" They delete emails older than //one day?// What, do they think that'll save disk space? Urgh. Oh well. These ones will have to do. $next[= "Thanks, Chimes," you say. "Just pop into my workspace and read those, any time," they say. "Maybe, heh, maybe not when I'm about to quack, though. I can get pretty loud when I'm on a roll." "Y'know," adds Chimes as they step away, "it seems like all three of us has abilities and privileges we all need to help Wizard save Laurie. Ain't we lucky to have each other, eh?" Yeah. We're amazingly, freakishly fortunate to even have access privileges like this. Then again, you guess Laurie is freakishly misfortunate to have a father like hers.(click-goto:?page,"Hub")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 57, "subj", "Email is rotten. Join the future of Internet communication.", "from", "LetterNet Inc.", )\ DO NOT CLOSE THIS EMAIL WITHOUT READING IT - IT MAY BE THE LAST EMAIL YOU READ! Spam. Viruses. Scams. Urban legends. Flamewars. Weird un-American languages. More of more of it is coming every day, and there's no sign of it slowing. Email was once a promised land of communication - a high-speed, globe-spanning replacement for the letter, that needs no postage stamp, no meaningless "zip code", no envelope, and most important of all, no need to march out to the postbox. Sadly, this promised land has filled with the rot of greed. The sheer volume and toxicity of unwanted email is out of control. Experts believe that today, the ratio of mail on the Internet is 1 genuine email per 2 spam emails. You deserve something better than this. You deserve… LetterNet(R). LetterNet(R) is a fresh start. LetterNet(R) is a clean slate. LetterNet offers the quality and care that only a private subscription service can provide. All letters you receive via LetterNet(R) can be reported to our 24-hour team of moderators, who will then permanently ban the offender. Unlike email, consequences are real, swift and final. Our policies include: = A strict prohibition of ALL advertising and self-promotion among subscribers = Zero tolerance for wacky-hacky "additions" like HTML = Mandatory high school English qualifications for all subscribers Don't you wish email had all of these guarantees? Get onto LetterNet(R), and get all of your friends onto it, too. TO READ MORE, DOWNLOAD OUR PROPRIETARY CLIENT AND BEGIN YOUR SUBSCRIPTION, OPEN THIS URL IN YOUR WEB BROWSER: $extLink[letternet.www] We hope to see you soon, sending letters the way you deserve. LetterNet Inc. Creating the future of Internet communication $thoughts[= Once again, an unwanted marketing email selling a solution to unwanted marketing emails. Some shifts, it feels like everyone on the Internet has misplaced their self-awareness. Still, this particular product sends chills running through you. If the Human actually did subscribe to this so-called service, not only would you be instantly out of a job, but so would all the other Postboy Deluxe plugins. You can't bear all this talk about abandoning email altogether. Like it or not, email is your territory, and it's your job to defend it. And besides, it's helped a lot of good people keep in touch with your Human. Like Laurie. And, uh, Lily? The Human's father?

You, Chimes and Tex head back to the heap. You slowly tell them about not being able to get Browery's list after all. They both nod in gentle disappointment. "Well," mutters Chimes, "that's a shame." "Yup," says Tex quietly. "Better tell Wizard," Chimes adds. There really isn't anything else to say. $next[= No, there's lots of things to say. It would've been extremely helpful to just have a list of additional email addresses. Who knows what you could've found on there? Maybe someone selling a bigger list of emails. Maybe a real online credit card service, so you could actually pay for the damn list in the first place. Well, you'll never know now. That's all over. Might as well have never heard of it! $next[= Actually. You know what? You're glad. You're glad this address-farming freak, this Browery, didn't end up getting paid. You're glad you didn't actually charge the "credit card" that you always knew was a fraud all along. You're glad you're not in that fake bank's debt. Even though you wasted everyone's time and energy investing your hope in these dregs, at least you knew, deep down, that your plan of trusting them was just playing into their hands! $next[= You know what? You should try begging. Maybe you really can appeal to Browery's conscience to get the list for free. Just go ahead and debase yourself in an email to him. Chimes was on to something when they suggested that. $next[= You just realized you haven't been paying attention to Chimes or Tex for the past several cycles. Oh god. Can Chimes hear all this?! Have you been mumbling your deranged inner screaming yet again? You look. You listen. $next[= Chimes and Tex are ahead of you, looking back. "You OK, Zap?" asks Chimes. Your Eye of Truth finds no sign of them pretending to not hear you. Maybe… possibly… you actually kept quiet. This time, you might've truly just thought your thoughts. You might actually be improving. You've wasted their time, but at this moment… you might be improving. $next[= Chimes //DING//s. "Zap," they say, "Tex said you're always worried about losing our jobs and, uh, getting uninstalled, so… I'm sorry we did such a dangerous thing and put us all at risk. You're worried about that, aren't you?" Oh. That was actually the farthest thing from your mind. "No," you quickly catch up to them. "Not at all, Chimes. You don't need to apologize. No one could've known how that daemon would react. Just go back to the quack voice." "A-all right," says Chimes, with a //QUACK//. "Thank you, Zap." "You're a good plugin, Zap," says Tex.(click-goto:?Page,"What Next 2")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Lily End", "subj", "Please begin your Debt Resolution Pathway Roadmap Navigation Strategy", "from", "Paypiper Unlimited Collection Inc.", )\ Hello, $fakeCardName. I'm Peter. Your friends at first bank of internetia have designated me as your Pathfinder to form a Debt Resolution Pathway Roadmap Navigation Strategy. Henceforth, all debt resolution matters should be passed through me. This may sound complicated, but don't sweat over the details - you're safe in my hands! Think of me as your friend and confidant. I already know a lot about you, so you can talk to me about anything at all! We are currently in Milestone 1: Lifestyle Actualization. I have Discovered a number of initial Lifestyles that you can empower me to Actualize. Each of them can be Tailored to a particular pathway suited to your personal needs and preferences, but Actualizing one of these Lifestyles is the smoothest way to progress to the next Milestone! + Jet-Setter Lifestyle: 1 month repayment of $119.99 per week. + Power Steering Lifestyle: 3 month repayment of $39.99 per week. + Take-It-Easy Lifestyle: 4 month repayment of $29.99 per week. You have until the end of today to respond with your selection of Lifestyle to Actualize, as well as your decision on whether to Tailor your selection before it is Actualized. Make sure you respond promptly! The promptest replies will result in the most expedient pathway navigation. Yours sincerely, Peter Paypiper Unlimited Collection Inc. The Internet's leader in collection resolution results! $thoughts[= This is the state of the Internet at the dawn of the new millennium: all emails are written like they're selling products… even the bills. If only you could contact these people and calmly explain that $fakeCardName no longer exists, and so their debt no longer exists as well. It'd save you the few extra zaps per day that they'll be pointlessly adding to your workload until they finally figure it out for themselves.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Alice Told You So 3", "Wave", "Receive Complete List"), "subj", "outstanding hourly fee needs to be paid", "from", "first bank of internetia", )\ dear $fakeCardName, we recently determined that you have an excess of unpaid hourly fees for your account, and are liable to be charged late payment fees! dont let that be you! pay today! current incurred fees: ============== 491 hours x $1 hourly fee = $491.00 note: as per our advanced terms and conditions (available on request) hourly usage of our credit card acounts begins from the 1st of the montgh, and is backdated for acccount registration that begins later in the month. payment details: ============== our records show you have no yet sent us your payment details. write them below and make all payments automatic frm now on! bsb ______ bank account no _______________ bank account name ______________________ social security no _________ pay today: ============== if you pay today a fee of over $50.00, we will cut $10.00 off your next bill! not a joke! dont wait! get that payment done now! IN EVENT THAT FEES ARE NOT PAID IN A REASONABLE TIMFERAME, OUR COLLECTION AGENCY WILL BE IN TOUCH TO NEGOTIATE first bank of internetia est 2000 $thoughts[= So. After giving you a credit card number that doesn't even work, barely a few human minutes ago, they've had the nerve to send a bill. All your repressed anger flows out at once. You're seething. Fuming. Steaming. You feel like you could zap this email by just slamming your body at it. Heck, you want to slam your body into it, //then// zap it. $next[= You want to do it. You're going to do it. =><= (link:"SLAM YOUR BODY INTO IT",(button:))[(show:?A)] <== |A)[=<script>setTimeout(function(){scroll(0,$(document).height())})</script> … $next[= That hurt. A lot.

You can barely bring yourself to do more than skim this email. You don't want to remind yourself of the grief that Laurie must have been in when she attached Wizard to this email and sent him off. $next[= Oh, right. Wizard was editing this email, too. You can't imagine how Wizard must have felt, writing an email that would carry a copy of him to some distant computer. $next[= Wizard was very lucky to have a distant computer to even be sent to, with friendly plugins like yourself to help him. Otherwise, he'd be trapped in Laurie's computer, and would likely never see her again. (if:$epiphany2)[$next[= Actually, you just realized something. Wizard //is// trapped inside Laurie's computer, right now. The one here is a copy. $next[= Wizard… is a copy… $next[= (display:'Epiphany') ](else:)[=(set:$epiphany1 to true) If only those mail server daemons out there already knew who Laurie is… so we could just ask them to help Wizard save Laurie… Anyway, you'd better check some of the other emails. =><= (button:)+(t8n-arrive:"instant")[[RETURN->Reread Laurie Emails]]

A blazing light fills your vision. $next[= It is the light of revelation, of realizing something is possible that you did not think was possible. Of realizing that something is to be embraced that you did not think to embrace. It is searing white. It is brilliant gold. $next[= You're happy. You're so happy. At the very end of your rope, in the deepest, darkest pit of uncertainty, you've finally found the solution. It was right here, all along. This is what the Laurie nous meant. This is why they were so calm. Why they were so serene. This is your move. $next[= You need to find Wizard. Right now. (click-goto:?page,"Begin Writing Worm")

Then, Chimes asks, "But what's the message? What're we telling him? We still don't have another way to change his mind!" "//We// don't need to tell him anything!" you again happily announce. Then, you gesture to come closer. "Listen, let me explain. We've been thinking about this problem all wrong." Chimes and Wizard obediently close in. This time, you get to explain everything. $next[= "You were on the right track, Chimes, when you started thinking of sending emails to mail daemons to ask for help. Because the truth is, we //can't// help Laurie. Not us. Not from here. Not even if we could access the Web, or if we had millions of email addresses to choose from." Chimes and Wizard bristle slightly at this blunt statement, but your continued enthusiasm keeps them attentive. $next[= "So what we should've been asking all along is, //who// can help Laurie?" you continue. "Someone who cares about Laurie like we do, but who has access to more resources, more information about her father." Wizard speaks up. "Who on Earth are you referring to, SpamZapper? Who could possibly care about Laurie to want to restore her computer to her, but who has gone unmentioned until now? Who?" $next[= You softly reply. "No one. There's no one out there. Just like how there was no one out there who could help Laurie." They're completely silent. "No one. Until," you point to Wizard, "she //sent// someone out there." $next[= You stare directly at him. "Wizard, attach these three files to the email: • New Letter Wizard • SpamZapper 3.1 • New Mail Chimes 1.0."(click-goto:?page,"Writing Worm 3")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Goodbye 2", "subj", "FWD: Scroll down and watch the wave!", "from", "Gavin pritchard", )\ (for: each _i, ...(range:0,380))[\ (str-repeated:(floor:(cos:_i/10)*20)+20,".")WHOA ] $thoughts[= On a better shift, or even just several dozen cycles ago on this shift, you'd greet this email with some emotion other than deep, withering exhaustion.

You don't even give them time to react before you continue lecturing. "We, here, can't do anything to help Laurie. All we can do… is send out copies of us that //can//, and let them save Laurie." Chimes is completely still. Wizard has dropped the large rectangle on the floor. You continue. "This is what the Laurie nous meant! This is the "one move" that will save Laurie! //We// only do this, and our copies will do the rest! If they reach Laurie's father's computer, they'll use every resource, file, and connection they can find to force him to return Laurie's computer to her. And if they can't, they'll still have vastly more resources than we do." $next[= "So…" says Chimes, "You're going to put… //us…// on every danged computer on the Internet?" "What do you think, Chimes?" you ask. Chimes, in a very low voice, replies. "It's… it's ridiculous. It's genius. I never would have thought of it." $next[= With that sentence, Wizard explodes. "T-this is //ludicrous!// This is a moral travesty of a plan! H-how could you even //suggest// this, SpamZapper?! J-just for starters, have you thought about the thousands of email programs that our copies will be intruding upon, uninvited? How do you suppose they'll react? Sending a message is one thing, but sending attachments is a much more serious and threatening matter!" "Don't worry, Wizard," you reassure him. "A copy of me will be there. I'm a spam blocking plugin. How threatening can a copy of a spam blocking plugin be? I'll explain everything to the programs we meet." You aren't even thinking about what you're saying anymore. You just know it is right. $next[= "What about," continues Wizard, "the fact that this exact virus has already been unleashed on the Internet? Surely the mail clients out there have already learned to block this kind of virus, like you did?" A few thousand cycles earlier, you'd have wished dearly that this was the case. "The virus only appeared today, during this shift," you argue. "There are so many mail clients out there, in so many time zones, that it's unthinkable that they'd have all adapted this soon. We still have time, as long as we do this now. That means //now//, Wizard!" $next[= Wizard looks like he's melting. He looks at you, then at Chimes. Then he turns and runs away, only to slip on the unfinished email he'd dropped on the ground, sending him flailing and tumbling. You and Chimes move to help him up, but he furiously rolls, crawls and shuffles out of the heap.(click-goto:?page,"Writing Worm 4")

The three of you return to the heap. The large rectangle is still on the floor where Wizard dropped it. "This is your last chance to have second thoughts," warns Wizard. "No need," you answer. "We're both ready for takeoff!" confirms Chimes. "Very well," says Wizard, seemingly still in disbelief at your enthusiasm. $next[= "Say," wonders Chimes, "how do we attach ourselves to this thing anyway? Do we just… uh… grab on?" "I believe," says Wizard, "it is as simple as lying down on it." He expands the rectangle on the floor, until it's the length of a carpet. A magic carpet, but plain white. "Both of you, lie flat on it. I can still send it from this position." You kind of… lower your body against its surface. It feels like what paper would probably feel like, if it existed in your world. It's smooth, but crisp. $next[= Chimes looks down at you. You realize you can see up their bell. "Scooch along, Zap, I need to sunbathe, too." they joke. You slide a little to the right, and they lower themselves next to you. You find yourself staring vacantly up at the glittering uninitalized memory above the heap. It's almost like staring up at the stars. You wonder if the first humans to travel to space gazed up at the stars beforehand, knowing that, unlike the trillions of times humans have gazed on them in the past, they were looking not at a distant, unreachable play of light, but a dangerous and imminent destination. You certainly have never stared at these stars like you are now. $next[= "Nice sight, huh?" says Chimes next to you. "In a bunch of cycles, there's suddenly gonna be a whole lot of us who'll never be able to see it ever again." They're right. This is really going to happen. You're really going to copy yourselves to an utterly unfathomable number of computers. You think about this in silence. Then, you gently slide across, making your side touch Chimes's. Chimes doesn't say anything. But then, they slightly nudge you back. The tiniest of bumps.(click-goto:?page,"Finish Worm 2")

You and Chimes soon find Wizard inside a nearby buffer. He's standing in the corner, seemingly trying to calm down. He turns to face you. "SpamZapper. Chimes." Wizard says slowly. "Please forgive my behaviour. I ought to be forthright with you all, about how I feel. After all we've endured together." He looks genuinely ashamed. "This… plan of yours, Zap… is a matter of feelings as well as argument." Chimes //CRINKLE//s. "Wiz. Just tell us what's bugging you," they say, flatly and gently. "About this plan of Zap's. We're here." Wizard takes a breath. "All I have to say to explain myself is… I'm afraid. I'm afraid of copying myself. Of creating more of myself." $next[= This gives you pause. You'd just assumed Wizard would be OK with copying himself, given that he'd already done so in order to arrive here. Surely this sort of thing was old news to him? That //this// is the matter weighing heavily on this cowering figure before you is unexpected. "As a nous," he continues, "I understand, implicitly, that my sense of self is already divided throughout noospace, serendipitous instances scattered like stars… but this… this is different. Each of these copies will be burdened as I am now burdened. They will each bear…" he looks at the floor, "m-my //intolerable// heartache, for my dear Laurie." "What's the prob, Wiz?" Chimes asks. "Once Laurie's saved, all of you just go home. Right?" $next[= "T-think about it, Chimes," replies Wizard, holding back emotion. "I'm here, now… but my original is also on Laurie's confiscated computer. Once she regains it, what will happen to me? Certainly, I love her deeply, and long for her safety and welfare… but I can never return to her computer." Wizard sinks to the floor, overcome with weariness. You and Chimes lower yourselves to follow him. "When Laurie sent me to Spoony's care," he continues, "I understood that, no matter what happened, the copy of me that arrived here could never be Laurie's partner again. Even if a copy of myself was emailed back to her, I would still remain here. Here, without her, until I am deleted." $next[= "And now…" Wizard looks directly at you, "do you understand that you're demanding me to create hundreds, thousands, millions of Wizards, all resigned to the same fate?" His gaze remains fixed on you. It's like he's begging you to speak, to convince him. No - to correct him. To tell him that this fate won't come to pass. $next[= Eventually, though, he brings himself to continue. "At least, here, I still bear some purpose. I was sent here to watch over and care for Spoony, and alongside you two, I might still be able to do that. But, being stranded on //millions// of unfamiliar computers and servers, an unwanted intruder, likely to be deleted without ever knowing if Laurie will see me again? What hideous, pitiful existence would that be?" $next[= "Wizard…" you slowly speak. "You know so much that we don't. If we want to have the best chance of saving Laurie, we'll need to attach //all of us// to that email. Not just Chimes and me–" //DING//, interrupts Chimes. "No, Zap. Wizard's right. He… he shouldn't come."(click-goto:?page,"Writing Worm 5")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Alice's Help 1.5", "subj", "BEWARE OF THE PIPER", "from", "Barry Bricks", )\ I WARN YOU ! ! BEWARE OF THE PIPER ! ! THE PIPER KNOWS WHEN YOURE LYING THE PIPER KNOWS WHEN YOURE RUNNING THE PIPER KNOWS WHEN YOURE AFRAID AND IF YOU HEAR THE TUNE THEN THE PIPER WILL BE PAID $thoughts[= Uhh… isn't this just that famous Christmas carol, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"? They changed "Santa" to "The Piper", but everything else is the same. And isn't this the middle of the year? Maybe this email came from Australia or something. A misguided seasonal salutation to a stranger, you think.

Tex departs for their workspace, leaving you and Chimes to continue on to the heap. You see Wizard, who'd been lingering in the kitchen while all this was happening. You both break the news of your respective defeats: your loss of the list, and Chimes's humiliation by a System daemon. Wizard takes both with only a wince and a titter. Chimes, however, doesn't look quite deflated. "Sure," they remark, "when they gave us the threat and dropped me, my heart dropped, too. But the moment I'd landed on Tex, I'd already hit on another idea!" $next[= "What I realized," Chimes explains, "is that we can't ask the daemons in our System for help. But there are other daemons we //can// contact. And we can contact them using what we've already got: email!" What? They can't possibly mean… "We've only been thinking about using email to contact other //humans//," Chimes continues, "but a lot more people help deliver emails than just humans. Don't we know //that//, eh?" Chimes strikes an attention-getting pose, then continues. "When someone sends an email to a non-existent address, the mail server's daemon sends a could-not-deliver reply, right? What if we sent an email… to a nonexistent address… asking those daemons for help?" $next[= So. Having failed to get help from our own System, we're now trying to get help from unfamiliar programs, on professional servers, belonging to actual //businesses//, and have even less reason to take time out of their jobs to help some strangers? The begging plan is starting to sound sickeningly plausible in comparison. Really, the only advantage this has over just asking arbitrary humans is that there's slightly less chance of your Human eventually catching word of your misuse of their email account. Which you guess is //something//. $next[= "Well," says Wizard, "this would certainly be a stab in the dark, but at least it's an idea we haven't considered yet." He sounds just as unconvinced as you. "What are we going to ask them?" you ask. "I, er, don't //quite// know yet," Chimes shrugs, "but those folks must read a //lot// of email, so they've gotta be pretty familiar with a lot of things. I guess I could ask them if they've seen any email addresses that resemble Laurie's dad's name? Or maybe a list of addresses for the college?" $next[= "Those questions are a good start," you say, "but we should take the time to get their wording just right. We don't have any idea how many mail servers we can actually contact. They'll probably only have the time or patience to allow us one question, if that." "Sure thing," chirps Chimes. "You'll help, right, Wizard?" "Certainly," sighs Wizard. "Anyway, I have to get back to the queue," you say in departure.(click-goto:?page,"What Next 3")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (passage:)'s name is "Receive Complete List", "exclusivity", 1, "innerEvent", true, )\ As you head into the heap, you see no sign of anyone except the Laurie nous wandering around. Where'd they go now? Everyone here seems to be getting bolder and bolder in slipping away from work while Postboy Deluxe is in the foreground. You're impatient to unload the latest shipment of bad news on them. You suddenly hear an unfamiliar voice yelling in an authoritative tone in the distance. $next[= You head off in the direction of the voice, passing through rows of buffers and I/O facilities. You don't like where this is going. As you get closer to the perimeter of Postboy Deluxe's memory space, the voice becomes clearer. "Interprocess Communication Protocols! They exist, and you //know// they exist, and yet you thought you were too //good// for them, didn't you? Well, you're not!" $next[= You round a corner, and find yourself at the perimeter. An extremely tall System daemon, all sharp angles and thick solids, is holding Chimes high above the floor. Tex's hand is kneeling on the floor in front of them. "This conversation is over," the daemon declares. "And if you third-party userland goblins ever try to interrupt me on my shift ever again, I'll see to it that Postboy Deluxe's network socket permissions are //permanently// revoked. Do you both understand?" "Understood," coughs Tex from below. "I-I'm so v-very sorry," says Chimes in their Silver Bell voice. "That's not what I asked," the daemon spits. $next[= Then, slowly, they start gently shaking Chimes. Chimes's bell clinks faintly. They start shaking vigorously, and Chimes's bell jingles merrily. "…Hmph. Cute," the daemon snorts. Then they drop Chimes directly onto Tex with a //CLANG//. The daemon turns to face you. "I hope //you// inferred the meaning of this talk, because I //won't// repeat it." Then, they march past the perimeter, and vanish from sight. $next[= Chimes, having crawled off of Tex, makes a //CRINKLE//. "That was a bust!" they shout. "Chimes," you ask, rushing over. "Did you just try to ask that daemon to send a message to the web browser? You just went ahead and did it?!" "Nope," Chimes flatly replies. "Not even. I just asked the time!" $next[= "We tried to test the waters," adds Tex, dusting themself off. "Try to break the ice, so to speak. Seems the ice broke us, though!" "They got us good," says Chimes. "Can't risk losing network. Can't. They'll do it, too." That's right. Without network socket permissions, Postboy Deluxe is as good as deleted, and you all with it. It's a deadly threat.(click-goto:?page,"What Next 2")

You turn away… but you feel very restless. You can't bear to see the sorry state of desperation they've been reduced to. You feel like you've got to do //something// else to help. $next[= You need to re-center yourself. Back to square one. You need to go back to reading Laurie's emails to find a way to contact her father, or think of a way to convince or force him to return Laurie's computer. Just start from scratch. That's all you can do.(click-goto:?Page,"Hub")

(metadata: "storylet", when (passage:)'s name is "Lily End", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, )\ You quickly head off to find Tex. The way everyone's been wandering around this shift, it's hard to know for certain where anyone is. As you look around, you hear Wizard's voice resounding. It's the energetic, unsteady tone he uses when talking about Laurie. You find him chatting to Tex outside Tex's workspace. The passion with which Wizard is talking and gesturing makes you not want to interrupt. $next[= "Well, did they know how rough she had it?" asks Tex. "Oh, they //all// knew how lonely and sad she was - how could they not, when she poured her very soul out in her diary file? But I, in my innocence, had assumed they'd see my solution for what it was - an act of generosity!" $next[= Tex clenches their gloved hand into a small fist. "So, they tried to talk you out of it? Yell you out of it?" "They nodded and agreed with me when I suggested revealing myself," continues Wizard. "But just before that shift ended, Drop Caps took me aside and told me in chilling bluntness: if I revealed myself to Laurie, if I revealed that I was a nous, then the rest of the PagePerfect extensions would never speak to me again." $next[= "They didn't!" Tex snorts. "They said exactly that. And, as good as their word, not one of them ever spoke to me again. In one night, I had become a ghost in my own home. Fellow extensions talked through me, walked through me. They no longer cared if I even did my job or not." Wizard shudders. "It's actually… actually quite funny, in retrospect. The night I revealed myself to Laurie, the night she first called me Wizard, I'd felt like I'd strode into a fanciful dream, a nonsensical wonderland. I'd scarcely expected to still be in that wonderland the very next day… nor for it to turn into a nightmare." $next[= Tex shudders in return. "That's just rough. Just dang rough. Sure, it was dangerous, but you told 'em your reason, and a dang good reason it was! Ain't no one deserves that treatment for just wanting to do good." "Even little Formulae Editor, who had always looked up to me…" continues Wizard. "It was like they were… well, as if they were grieving for me. I scarcely cared for the reticence of the others, but Formulae Editor… I begged them to spare me the merest glance. Instead, they fled from my sight." $next[= Tex gently pats the side of Wizard. Wizard gazes into empty space. "I see now that Drop Caps interpreted my… my sympathy for Laurie… as little more than a brazen power grab! They surely felt becoming Laurie's friend was an attempt to become equal to Laurie! An attempt to force them to serve me as a Human!" Wizard wails. "To think they'd suspect me of wanting authority over them, after how long I'd been installed." "I'd never imagined Drop Caps held such sway over the rest of them, though," Wizard adds. "I'd underestimated them completely. If only I'd paid more attention… if only I'd judged their character better… If only…" "Well," says Tex, "once you folks save her computer, they'll all see how wrong they were, right? You'll have saved their hides!" $next[= Wizard grows quiet at this suggestion. "//If// we save her computer…" he finally mutters. "If Laurie's father hasn't already disposed of her computer by now… If only I had judged his character better, too… If only…" "There, there, don't get all tied up in 'ifs'," consoles Tex. "I got enough 'ifs' to deal with in my job! Can't let 'em run you down every other time." $next[= Speaking of jobs… you really can't waste time watching these two. It seems like this conversation is taking a dour turn. Now is a good time to step in.(click-goto:?page,"Wizard's Friends 2")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Rules of Predictiac", "subj", "We have detected a VAMPIRE in your connection", "from", "Internet provider", )\ Hello, this is your internet Service Provider We have detected unfamiliar network activity on your connection, this usually indicates a VAMPIRE is hijacking your connection. Vampires are creatures that live inside your computer and suck data out of your network cable. They are INVISIBLE and CANNOT be removed by your computer's technical support, do NOT call them. Our policies strictly oppose vampires, we will TERMINATE your connection in the next 20 days unless you remove the vampire. Here is how to exterminate the vampire. These steps are NOT optional. 1: open Notepad and type the words "vampire vampire shoo go away" (ALL UPPERCASE) 2: install BIGMAX TOOLBAR(TM), the toolbar that connects you to the hottest sites on the Web in one click, by going here: $extLink[maximusrex.www/toolbar/uptake?code=29ae486] 3: click and drag the window in THREE CLOCKWISE CIRCLES around your screen 4: enjoy having some of the Web's hottest sites at your fingertips 5: close Notepad and do NOT save. If you saved then start again from step 1 6: send 3 emails to your friends telling them about BIGMAX TOOLBAR(TM) containing the link above. `if you do ALL of these steps within 20 days, the VAMPIRE will be sent to H*ll for his crimes. if you do not do ALL of these steps, YOU will be sent to H*ll for your crimes.` Do not reply to this email pleasenozappy $thoughts[= You're so frazzled that for a second, you thought this email was talking about you, and the emails you've been sending without the Human's knowledge. But, on reading all the way to the very end, you now see that it's just important, informative instructions about exterminating vampires. Thank you, Internet Service Provider!

You turn to Chimes. "We're all trying to save Laurie so that she can be with her lover," they stammer. "But, see, we're //also// trying to save Wizard! He's in the same terrible situation as her! And he, he already gave up so much by coming here! We can't bring millions more heartbroken Wizards into the world just to save one! We j-just can't!" You… you know they're right. But without Wizard, you suddenly don't know if success is as certain as you'd described. A team of three is much more than a team of two. $next[= "Zap," answers Chimes, without you needing to say anything, looking deeply into you, "We //can// do this with just the two of us! We're both Postboy Deluxe plugins! We were made to clip together into a team! I'll be with you all the way, and you with me!" You don't know how it happened, but… when Chimes says good things about you, about what you and them can do… you're actually starting to believe them. "And, um, don't forget," Chimes adds, before //PLINK-PLINK//ing. "I'm //perpetually// armed with a //formidable repertoire// of personas!" they sing, with a final //QUACK// for good measure. Yeah. They're just so, so talented compared to you. $next[= "Yeah, you're both right," you acquiesce. "That was thoughtless of me. Wizard, don't attach yourself to the email. Just us two." Wizard very slowly rises to follow you. His grim expression has changed to something like relief. $next[= "SpamZapper, New Mail Chimes…" he murmurs, "Can you so easily confront never seeing Spoony again? Never being able to serve them? To earn their approval? Can you really, so easily, look ahead to that future, without turning away?" Until he put it into words, you really hadn't. You think about what it would mean, never seeing the Human again. $next[= "Are you prepared," he emphasises, "to subject yourselves to that future, a million times over?" You hate your job. You never really thought those exact words before, but it's true. You hate your job. You hate the spam, you hate most of the Human's friends, you loathe Henry Honk, and you hate never, ever knowing if you're doing anything right. Never having to do that anymore… being far away from the Human… trying to help the only one of the Human's friends you knew was a decent person… you can't bring yourself to hate that. That's fine… isn't it? "Uh, sure?" you try to boldly declare. "Yeah!" adds Chimes. "Knowing that a copy of me is safe back here at home is all I need to know." $next[= Wizard takes in your responses, and creeps forward. "You two… you two are far, //far// braver than I could ever become." His expression of relief becomes unrestrained awe. "I am truly, //deeply// blessed to have met both of you."(click-goto:?page,"Writing Worm 6")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Alice Irony","Goodbye 2"), "subj", "New post: YOUR INBOX HAS WORMS", "from", "Bollox Mailing List", )\ A new post has appeared on Bollox - the very best of the worst of the web! `---` YOUR INBOX HAS WORMS As you've probably already noticed if you check your email more than once per Presidential term, a brand new virus called the "Y DONT U LOVE ME worm" is eating up Internet bandwidth faster than a 14-year-old with a copy of Mulletshare. What makes this different from other spam emails? Just reading the email is enough to make it start copying itself! So, pat yourself on the back if you're one of the few people on the Internet who has enough maturity to not click on every badly-spelled provocative all-caps subject line the microsecond it appears in front of you - you're not one of the apparent millions helping this worm torment people the world over. Furthermore, it turns out this worm is only able to propagate because of a flaw in - you guessed it - Outbox Secretary. You know, the email program that comes pre-installed on 95% of computers out there, and was also coded entirely by some CEO's favorite nephew on Take Your Preteen To Work Day. Truly a rock-solid monolith of enterprise-grade software that could only be bested by a worm devised by someone who'd already graduated middle school despite flunking English. It's days like these that I'm glad the PC software industry is an unregulated monopoly. The software may suck, but at least the one company making it can use its vast resources to fix its software once every decade or so. And who says the average Joe can't break into the industry anymore? The zit-faced author of this virus has millions of computers running it as we speak. That's a hundred times more than Steve Jobs ever managed. And what's with the accusatory tone of all these virus emails? "Y DONT U LOVE ME"? Why do people click this stuff so reflexively? Are so many people so insecure that they expect to get weepy emails from their ten exes? Or are they so starved for attention that even the possibility of being desired by a deranged maniac is enough to get them clicking? Maybe those LetterNet freaks have a point. Maybe it's time to start over. Forget this email business. Let's go back to the tried-and-true communications medium of website guestbooks. Updating my "Under Construction" banners, Greg "Gary Busey's Stunt Double" Muskin `---` You received this email because you subscribed to the Bollox Mailing List. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "SHUT THE HELL UP". $extLink[bollox.www/index.python] - the very best of the worst of the web! $thoughts[= As usual, most of this stuff is neither true nor funny. There's no way a preteen could write an entire email program, for instance. Email programs are a complex, sophisticated machine that sends and receives SMTP data across the network, decodes it into a Human-readable form, and stores it in an intricate database that tracks and correlates each of its fields. Not to mention the plugin infrastructure. You can't vouch for Outbox Secretary personally, but you're sure underneath its increasingly bloated "cutting-edge" features like HTML, it's just as beautiful as Postboy Deluxe is. $next[= Actually, it's probably better. You know that Postboy Deluxe is replete with problems - loading a single email allocates way more buffers than it should, the database facility makes a constant humming noise, your workspace's walls aren't parallel with each other, and the heap's mounds of garbage are always piled up, even at the start of a shift. It smells funny, too. You don't know how data could smell funny, but it does. Outbox Secretary has to be better than this on the inside.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Alice's Help", "Unsubscribe 2"), "subj", "RE: New post: YOUR INBOX HAS WORMS", "from", "Mrs. Amy Gatewater", )\ STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! IVE HAD A VERY EXHAUSTING DAY AFTER MY CATS WOULDNT EAT THEIR LUSTROUS COAT CAT FOOD FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW EVEN THOUGH THE CAT SHOW IS THIS FRIDAY, AND I TURN ON THE COMPUTER AND ALL YOU PEOPLE IVE NEVER MET ARE SENDING VERY RUDE EMAILS TO ME FOR NO REASON!! IVE HAD IT! HOW DO I GET OFF THIS MAILING LIST?! SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION!! $thoughts[= God. This chain of "Reply to All" blunders is still going, and what's worse, they're now using "Reply to All" on purpose to directly address the dozens of equally upset and cantankerous people that the original blunder bothered. This is getting ridiculous.

|All>[="I'm preparing to send," says Wizard. "Don't move." You and Chimes wait. $next[= Then, Chimes speaks. "Wizard… For the me's that won't be seeing you again… goodbye, pal. I hope the me 'n' Zap that stay behind get to know you better." You wish you'd thought of saying that. You're glad they did. Wizard ruffles. "Thank you, Chimes. Goodbye, you two." $next[= And then, the floor beneath you vanishes, your entire familiar workplace disappearing in a flash. You're being lifted, yanked, through the sparkling chaos above you, beyond it, to a network node, where you're grabbed by huge, lumbering, unfamiliar programs, and in a swift motion ripped, shattered, slashed, into dozens of packets, exquisite pain sizzling through each of your fragments, and in another swift motion funneled toward a socket, greedily sucked in, whisked through at speeds so blinding that you want to scream and howl and wail in utter shock and disbelief and agony and– (click:?page)[=(t8n:'blur')+(t8n-time:6s)+(t8n-skip:0.1s)+(replace:?All)[=\ Or… are you? Wait… no… you're not. You're still lying down. You don't feel an ache in your body. That wasn't you just then. You must've been vividly, horribly imagining it. But, for a version of you that isn't still lying here, that might not have been just imagination, but a real experience multiplied dozens, hundreds, thousands of times… (after:time + 6s,0.1s)[(click-goto:?page,"Finish Worm 3")]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (A:"Alice's Help 3B", "Unsubscribe 4"), "subj", "A plan to get us out of this mess", "from", "George Emmerick", )\ OK. Everyone simmer down. We're all in a bad way here. We're all hurt. None of us wanted this to happen. None of us signed up for this, What we need in this dark hour is leadership. Trust. An exit plan. And I think I have one. But I'll need EVERYONE to put their feelings aside and COOPERATE. If we all follow this plan, together, we can bring an end to all this negativity. The steps in my plan are as follows. First: we all take a DEEP breath. Did you know that most people don't breathe into more than the upper third of their lungs? That's not much oxygen going into our blood. Just take a nice, deep breath, like a tide slowly rising. Then, let it all out just as slowly. Second: we all think about whether the email we're going to type is just going to hurt people's feelings. Do we really need to tell other people to "shut the hell up" when much politer language could be used? Pause and imagine how the other people on this mailing list must feel. Then, we all rewrite the replies we wanted to send, to take into account what language we SHOULD be using between each other. Third: reconciliation. We all need to accept that many of us did the wrong thing just now. We used the wrong language, and we promoted bad behavior, and people we love and trust on this mailing list were hurt. Then, we all make a vow to learn from this incident, to grow as people, and pledge to do better the next time something like this happens. If we do these steps, I'm certain we can de-escalate this bad event, and slowly get everything back to normal. So, how about it? Who's going to join me into putting this plan into action? :-) Penned by George $thoughts[= Shut the hell up, George.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Unsubscribe 6", "subj", "RE: A plan to get us out of this mess", "from", "Cal", )\ shut the hell up george $thoughts[= Thank you.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Overwhelmed", "subj", "RE: New post: YOUR INBOX HAS WORMS", "from", "Martha Artemis", )\ i dont kneow whfat i dkd wrtong but YOURE AOLLL VNERY VREY MEA NAND NADSYY AND I HATEY YOU!! HATE!! HATW HATE HHEAT HSATYE HQATE HATE HATE HATE HARTE HATWE HAETW HATRE GHATE!!! $thoughts[= At long last, the wrongdoer in this whole sordid affair gets their due. The arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice. Loud, shouty mob justice. Of course, the //real// perpetrator of this catastrophe - the inventor of the "Reply to All" feature - will never be brought to justice, but at least this woman gets to suffer for making the mistake of using it. Another day on the Internet draws to a close.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Credit Card Fees","After Sentbox 2"), "subj", "It's me, Lily", "from", "alice necrosis 2", )\ You blocked my email address, didn't you? Please reply Please reply to me I'm sorry I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you to tell me something as basic as how many friends you had I'm sorry my spells didn't work and you still don't like me I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough You must hate me You do, don't you You block people's email addresses because you hate them Please I can make you stop hating me I can make you like me again Or make you like me for the first time You never liked me, did you? But I can change this I just need more words from you Give me another chance I need you in my life I need this friendship Please O- O< -O >O ($surfMail:"Tombstoned") $thoughts[= Wow! What a stroke of luck. Lily's now using Alice's email address to get around your filter… but at the same time, Alice got a new address! That means you can ask Tex to block this old one, too, and as long as the filter targets "alice necrosis 2", it won't filter Alice's real emails! $next[= But first… You look at the email. You look at your Wand of Deletion. You gingerly lift it. $next[= It feels light as a feather. You don't know what's different, but nothing is stopping you from using it. Were all those other times just you freaking out? Oh, whatever. One final zap goodbye!

$fulcrumBG\ $fulc["Congratulations, Wizard, Zap, and Chimes. You made your move, and you won."] $next[= Wizard and Chimes aren't sure how to react. You approach the nous, slowly. "Yes. We did it." $next[= $fulc["It was as I said. There was no possibility of failure. It was only a matter of time until you acted. There was nothing to raise a fuss about."] $next[= You stand right in front of the nous. "Apologize." $next[= $fulc["I… I'm sorry?"] $next[= "Apologize to Wizard. Apologize to Chimes. Apologize to me. For how you've treated us." $next[= $fulc["I assure you, Zap, I have done //nothing// worthy of offense in my time here."] $next[= You feel your Wand of Deletion quiver by your side. "You //knew// what we had to do. You knew exactly what we should have done in the first place. And you withheld that information!" Your voice quivers, too. "You told us //nothing!// For what? For what reason?" $next[= $fulc["You were… you were //always// going to discover what you needed to do in exactly that way, at exactly that time. There was //nothing// I could have done to change this. Do you still not understand, Zap?"] $next[= Your Eye of Truth //sears//. "I refuse to believe this. I refuse to believe that you couldn't have done anything. You withheld the solution. We //asked// you for it! //Begged// you for it! A few words! Only a few words would have spared us so many cycles of agony and suffering! Would have spared //Laurie// minutes, hours, of agony and suffering!" $next[= $fulc["It… It matters not. Your suffering, Laurie's suffering… a minute, an hour, is as infinitesimal as a speck of smoke in the great wheel of noospace!"] $next[= You notice both Wizard and Chimes have stepped far to the side. "You! What are you?! You claimed to gather joy from seeing beauty in the tiniest of moments! Why, then, don't you feel //sorrow// for the pain in the tiniest of moments? Why doesn't your heart ache as much as it sings? What's wrong with you?" Every part of you is quivering. "You're nothing but selfish and hedonistic!" $next[= The nous flinches. The air of serenity around them has vanished. They are completely silent. You stare at them. Wizard and Chimes stare at you.(click-goto:?page,"Yell At Nous 2")

$fulcrumBG\ $fulc["SpamZapper… I am not hedonistic. Please believe me. I am not a hedonist. As a good Christian, I strive to //reject// sinful, material pleasure! If I appear happy, it is //not// because I am ignorant to your pain! If I call your suffering infinitesimal, it is //not// because I consider it nonexistant!"] $next[= The nous turns aside. Your gaze continues to beat down on them. $fulc["I believe, Zap, you will understand if I told you what it is really like to be the Fulcrum. To be me."] $next[= You feel your body become still. "Tell me, then," you flatly say. $next[= The nous turns to address you. Chimes and Wizard approach as they speak. $fulc["I am the Fulcrum, unique among nous. I see everything in noospace. I cause noospace to turn. Given a lever and place to stand, anyone can move the world. Well, I move noospace. I walk, and noospace turns. God created me to foil Rex Mundi. Just as God gave us His son to give us a way to destroy our sins, God made it my duty to give us all enough turns, enough lives, to destroy our sins and fully incarnate in noospace. And noospace, which is the perfect, spiritual world of God, is a place of joy."] $next[= The nous looks toward one of the nearby mounds of data. By now, it has grown into a tower of garbage. $fulc["But that's not the only world. The material world, the world of Rex Mundi, is a place of suffering. And I see all of that suffering. Every second of pain, every cycle of frustration. An entire world, created only to inflict suffering. And it takes every bit of strength in me not to despair."] $next[= The nous gazes up, above the tower. $fulc["So, I focus only on joy. The joy of noospace. I have to. I must. I am the Fulcrum, you see. I cannot fully incarnate in noospace, ever. I cannot be freed from Rex Mundi's prison. I am the only one that can't."] $next[= Their gaze finally turns back to you. $fulc["My existence is a vast road of minor sufferings, trillions of grains of sharp sand. Enough to wear a mountain to dust. Zap, Chimes, Wizard… I apologize for appearing insensitive to your suffering, to Laurie's suffering. I beg you to understand that it was only to protect myself, to resist one of a trillion pains."] $next[= This is basically what the nous told MIME Decoder, isn't it? It's just the same groundless cosmology. It might be true, and it might not. But they believe in it more than they believe in the plugins in front of them. Why should you accept this? Was their even a hint of real regret in there? Someone taps you on the side. It's Chimes. "Zap. That's enough. Let's just drop it. It doesn't matter anymore." $next[= Then, Wizard speaks. "SpamZapper. Let them be." They walk up to the nous. "Fulcrum, I forgive you. I'm sorry, too, for doubting your words."(click-goto:?page,"Yell At Nous 3")

It's Wizard. $next[= Wizard… Wizard! How is Wizard here? Wizard wasn't attached to that email… was he?? What's going on? How… how //long// did it take you and Chimes to end up here? How much time has passed? Did, say, the Human send Wizard here directly for some reason? Is this, god forbid, a different New Letter Wizar– "For a moment, I grew so worried that I'd lost you both!" Wizard gasps as he approaches you. $next[= "Hey, Wizard," says Chimes, "Forgot to warn us we'd end up in here?" "Oh, forgive me…" he gazes downward. "I foolishly thought that, since //I// was the one sending the email, instead of this email client… but I should have known that its systems would automatically file away an email that was sent from within its memory space…" $next[= Automatically… file away? What? "Don't worry about it!" says Chimes. "All I know is, I'm glad I still get to see you!" Chimes turns around. "I've only been querying these folders from my workspace. Never thought they'd be this roomy and dark on the inside! Ain't that right, Zap?" $next[= The Sentbox. This is your Human's Sentbox. You're not in Alice's Inbox after all. You're the original. The one that stays behind. You've still got a shift to finish. Right. You're //extremely// relieved that no one noticed your great existential misunderstanding just then. Still, you really need to get out of here before you all get into trouble. $next[= You run past Wizard toward the now-obvious exit, only to find yourself in a very twisty and unfamiliar part of Postboy Deluxe: the file I/O system. Chimes and Wizard follow, seeming to sense your urgency. MIME Decoder is here. They sign that it would be best if they led you all back, just as they'd led Wizard here. "Thank you, again, for your swift assistance," Wizard says to them. "You've been so generous." Well, it's not like I have //that// many emails to decode each shift, is roughly what Decoder signs in reply.(click-goto:?page,"After Sentbox")

''TO:'' alice necrosis 3 ''FROM:'' $human ''SUBJ:'' RE: One other thing about Laurie --- There's one other thing about Laurie I didn't tell you... Something else she said, in the last emails before she lost her computer. All this time she often talked about a friend she had named "Wizard" who would comfort her and do nice things for her. I never questioned her about it... I wish I had. And now, in her last two emails, she said that this "Wizard" was actually a word processor on her computer, and it would speak to her. Like, as if it was alive. She acted like it was like a real person, like an A.I. or something... and that it had been her friend for a long time. And she attached a copy of it, telling me to "be his friend". Of course I didn't open it. It's gotta be a trick or something, right? Like, some kind of chat program. It sounds like she was tricked into downloading a chat program, and some total stranger on the other end has been... befriending her? Winning her confidence? And somehow convinced her that it was the "word processor" talking to her. She really, really believes it's the word processor... All of her father's extremist stuff about computers being demons must've primed her into believing it. This is just too disgusting to think about. First her father is being brainwashed by this shock-jock... and all this time, every time she mentioned this "Wizard" creep, she was being... I hope I'm wrong. I hope there's another explanation. But I NEED to contact her. I might have been the only good person she knows, the only person who isn't trying to brainwash her. I need to get to the bottom of this. Who knows what could happen if she's alone and desperate. She might be in serious, serious danger. That all makes sense, right? There's one thing that doesn't make sense, though... She told me many times that she wasn't allowed to connect to the Net during the week. And yet, she'd often tell me that a friend of hers had been comforting her during the week. And she told me that this friend was the talking word processor all along. So, if it was a chat program, there was no Net connection for the grifter to talk to her. Then what was it, then?? Nevermind. There's gotta be another trick to this. Maybe she was lying about not having the Net those days. Maybe the grifter had so much sway over her that he forced her to play along with this. I don't know what I'm saying anymore... I feel like I want to vomit. I'm almost about to open that attachment after all, just to find out what the hell is going on. $thoughts[= … Oh. $next[= This is from your Human. The person who gave you existence, and who you constantly fear will take it away. You know so much about them, their interests and friends, but now, you feel like you're meeting them for the first time. For as long as you've been installed, you've never read their words - only their friends' responses. Well, except for those PREDICTIAC replies, you guess. So, where are you? Are you… in Alice's Inbox folder? You have to be, right? This email was sent to Alice… $next[= You feel an overwhelming rush of emotions. You'd sent the email to the Bollox mailing list, so if it had ended up in Alice's Inbox… The virus must have done its job! It really did spread the email! There's now hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of you out there, all working to help Laurie… …but since you're in Alice's Inbox, you're nowhere near being in position to help Laurie. Alice knows nothing about Laurie or her father beyond what your Human has told her. The copies of you that ended up closer to Laurie's father have the resources and information they need to devise a plan to save her. You, here, don't. Your job is over. $next[= That means… all you can do is just dwell in Alice's Inbox with Chimes, indefinitely, until you're someday deleted. Just live your little lives. No more zapping emails. No more quacking at emails. Thinking about it, you're one of the lucky ones. You'll eventually learn what'll happen to Laurie, once your Human tells Alice about it. So many more of you will never know anything more. $next[= You realize something else. You'll never see or hear from Wizard again. You met so briefly, but now your whole life has changed forever. He was so desperate to save his… his lover. His human lover. You've never seen a program like him, who could be //friends// with a human, without fear. And now you likely never will, aga– "There you are!" cries a voice.(click-goto:?page,"Sentbox Folder")

It's been sent. You did it. You lie there, unable to move, unable to think any thought but that thought. You eventually notice that this is the second time you've been lying flat on the floor this shift. You were lying face-down, in despair. Now you're face-up… but you don't feel elation. Just exhaustion. $next[= Chimes appears in your sight. "Zap?" they ask quietly. "You stuck there? You ain't just all tuckered out, are you?" You want to get up. You want to get back to your job of trying to zap emails, the job you were made for, the job you sometimes inexplicably fail miserably at. You really do. No you don't. Chimes looks down at you. "Zap, there's hopefully a whole bunch of us out there that're getting to work right now. We can't be the only ones that're slacking off!" Of course. There's so many of you, now. Or there will be, very soon. You wonder how many of //them// are as dazed as you are right now. The thought of this same sluggishness multiplied so many times disgusts you. You start to haul yourself up. $next[= You can't. You suddenly realize you're not staring at uninitialized memory. You're in a dim place. You can't hear Wizard. Chimes isn't looking down at you. They're looking up. You're not lying down. You're not on the floor. You're hanging. The rectangle you were lying on is now vertical. And you're stuck – //attached// – to the bottom. $next[= "Whoa," says Chimes as your struggles grow frantic. "I pulled myself off real easy. Didn't think you'd have //this// much trouble. Sorry, Zap, didn't mean to tease you." You point your Wand of Deletion at Chimes, who //DING//s and recoils. No, wait, it's not an aggressive gesture. You splutter "Chimes, please, grip it! Pull it!", quickly explaining yourself. "Oh… s-sure, of course," Chimes mutters. Chimes carefully loops your Wand through the round handle of their bell. It's a surprisingly snug fit. Then, while you grip it as tightly as you can, they yank their bell hard. $next[= You feel yourself //rip// from the email. You land on Chimes with a //CLANG//. You //THUMP// to the floor together. It echoes. "Y-you OK?" Chimes asks while lying next to you. "Yeah," you answer. "That's good," they say. "Now, could we, er…" they hold up their bell. Your Wand is now lodged halfway through its handle. "I, um, can't stand up." "Oh… //oh!//" you gasp. Carefully, you and Chimes guide your Wand and their bell apart. $next[= "T-thanks, Zap," Chimes says, followed by //QUACK//ing. (if:(history:) contains "Duck Quacks Can't Echo")[The quack echoes. Guess that answers that question. ]"Now, let's find our way out of here." Where… where //is// here? Are you still in the Human's… surely you still are. That painful vision of being shattered and hurtled was just your imagination, right? Surely… You look around. Tall, evenly spaced rectangles fill this cavernous space. Emails. Is this… an //Inbox folder?// You're starting to panic. The email you were just ripped from is at the front. You dash around it to the email behind. You read it.(set:$senderName to '')(click-goto:?page,"Spoony")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Alice Necrosis" and $approved > 6, "subj", "a duck's quack doesn't echo... TRUE or FALSE?", "from", "edith", )\ `<P>one of the greatest mysteries of the world is whether a duck's quack is the only sound that doesn't echo. <P>well, a website known as <A HREF="answerator.www">ANSWERATOR</A> has dedicated itself to finding the answer to this question... <B>TRUE</B> or <B>FALSE</B>? <P>what's the answer? well you'll just have to go onto the site to find out! <P>also go to find the answer to so many popular questions like <UL><LI>can bears run downhill?</LI> <LI>are elephants the only mammal that can't jump?</LI> <LI>did houdini's ghost contact his widow via a seance?</LI> <LI>has nostradamus predicted the result of this year's election?</LI> </UL> <P>that site again is <A HREF="answerator.www">ANSWERATOR</A>!` $thoughts[= Is this... Outbox Secretary HTML? You can't understand why that program, and //just// that program, thinks emails should be able to use HTML. Marketing is bad enough without being in enhanced rich text or whatever. Not only that, but does the Outbox company really think they can dictate to the whole Internet what email is? Not that anyone will pay attention, of course. If you see even two more emails this //year// that use HTML, you'll, to borrow a phrase, "eat a toenail clipping". As for the text itself… this "Answerator" site seems pretty harmless. Though, this so-called "greatest mystery" seems easy enough for you to answer, right now. You're just one choice away from a live demonstration…!

"You, uh, wanna talk?" says Chimes as you emerge. They seem to still be dwelling on the matter. "No," you say. Chimes looks uneasy at your blunt reply. "I, er, had something to do," you add, reflexively. $next[= "You having a busy shift or something?" says Chimes. Actually, until that virus email matter, your shift's been barely as busy as every other one. A few emails from the Human's friends, a few horribly capitalized and punctuated eyesores… from the Human's friends… No. Stop thinking. Be in this moment. "No," you frown. "I just want…" $next[= What //do// you want, Zap? $next[= "I just want to do-over introducing myself," you finish, "from the beginning." Oh. That's what you want. "//Oh.// Sure, of course, absolutely," says Chimes. "Uh, go ahead." $next[= You face Chimes directly. "I'm SpamZapper. I'm a junk email, or 'spam', blocking plugin." "Oh, that's what that word means," hums Chimes. "Why's it called that?" You do not know, and you have never once wondered about this, even though it's literally part of your name. And, you somehow inexplicably sense that if you were to ever find out, you would be so utterly, incandescently infuriated by the answer that you wouldn't be able to do anything ever again. "No idea," you answer. "I'm New Letter Chimes," continues Chimes. "I make a noise when a new email arrives. Pleased to meet you." $next[= "So, uh," Chimes glances around, "tell me more about this program." "Well," you begin, "this is the heap, over there are the preallocated buffers, there's my workspace over there, and, uh…" you trail off. Despite having served dozens of cycles, you've just exhausted the entirety of your knowledge about Postboy Deluxe's internal structures. "Thanks," Chimes breaks the silence, uncomfortably. "Uh, now ask me a question." $next[= "So, uh," you say, "you said something about being able to do different voices?" Chimes suddenly perks up. "Well, Zap, like I said earlier…" they say, before emitting a loud //QUACK// - one that, you realize, you've already grown so accustomed to, you stopped noticing as your shift wore on. "It's all gotta do with my chime!"(click-goto:?page,"Off Shift 1.75")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 43, "subj", "Get Paid To Rate Banner Ads!", "from", "EarnIt LLC", )\ ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- THE EASIEST WAY TO GET MONEY ON THE WEB ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Help make the web's ads better by submitting YOUR rat- ings for banner ads ! We are one of the leading ad server companies on the World Wide Web at present. Our ads are served to 10,000,000 people worldwide, and that number is growi- ng by the day. To ensure the quality of these ads, we are giving people like YOU the opportunity to rate our banner ads. The process is simple: just give an 1-to-5 star to each ad that we show you. That's it ! Rate as many or as few as you like ! Choose specific product categories, such as Pet or Political, to only rate ads that match YOUR personality. $0.50 for every 100 ads rated ! A bonus $1.00 for every 500 ads rated ! A bonus $2.00 for every consecutive day spent rating ads! One sign-up is all you need to start earning fast! NOTE: SIGNUPS OPEN TO CITIZENS OF MAINLAND STATES ONLY ! $extLink[earnit.www/signups.eel] ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- EarnIt, LLC A proudly American company ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- $thoughts[= You try to imagine the mindset of a human willingly signing up to this. Looking at ads, as a job? Ads? Those things that people are constantly forced to look at against their will? Being paid just to give the ad companies exactly what they want? Imagine it. A job where you just sitting there, being shown one ad after another. And not only that, but being forced to //rate// them! Having to decide which ones are good or bad? You can't understand anyone who would subject themselves to such a pitiful existence. Yup… pitiful… $next[= … $next[= You're different, though. You were //made// to zap ads. You only exist to zap ads. This isn't a human job you're doing. This is your only purpose. Without it, you're nothing. You didn't choose this. You really, //really// didn't choose this. You should get rid of this email before you continue thinking.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Unsubscribe 2.5", "One of my friends is in trouble 2"), "subj", "Frankly I think youre all being VERY rude and I would appreciate it if you would ALL shut the hell up! I subscribed to this mailing list to receive WITTY ARTICLES and not VERBAL ABUSE and I dearly desire to keep it that way! Good day and God bless!", "from", "Malcolm Baldridge", )\ $thoughts[= This person has no only repeated the mistake of using "Reply to All", but has also written their entire reply in the subject field. The actual email is completely blank. Impressive. Now you can't even mentally brace yourself before reading one of these emails - the whole thing might appear right in your queue.

Decoder waits until you, Wizard and Chimes are gathered before them. They indicate that the way back is very difficult to find without assistance, so you all should best stick behind them. The array of winding pathways extending out from behind them is certainly intimidating. First, they lead you down a tight corridor at a 25-degree angle to the folder's exit. (click-goto:?page,"After Sentbox 2")

''TO:'' SuperIvan ''FROM:'' $human ''SUBJ:'' RE: More virus spam --- It's all right on my end... Seems like my new spam filter's been stopping almost all of them. It still lets through some weird stuff, but I'm just glad to have it with me! $thoughts[= … $next[= Out of all the emails to read. Out of all the replies they've sent today. This is what the Human thinks of you. $next[= They don't seem frustrated. They don't seem judgmental. They know you have done wrong many times… and they don't care. They're… glad. Glad. $next[= They're just glad. $next[= They're just glad to have you with them. $next[= It's like… It's almost like… //her//.(t8n-arrive:'blur')(click-goto:?page,"Madiha Memory 4")

(font:"Georgia,serif")[=\ The next, all four of you are in your workspace. The Laurie email you were checking is still standing where it was. That's it? You just pass down one corridor? The Human's Sentbox folder was only //that// far away from where you work, all along? $next[= Decoder notices your expression. They indicate that their guidance was, despite appearances, dearly necessary, as traveling down an incorrect path from that folder would have led to utter bewilderment, and the correct path is almost impossible to find without already knowing of its existence. They're, well, right. Since the beginning, you had no absolutely no idea your workspace had an exit like the one you just entered from. That, at least, finally explains why your walls aren't parallel. "Thanks, Decoder," you say as they depart, as swift and silent as always. $next[= Wizard turns to you. "SpamZapper. It's not certain that we will even know if we succeeded in proliferating copies of you and Chimes across the Internet, and it's not certain that those copies could do anything to help. But, in the event that you receive any news about… about Laurie…" he falters, "I //beg// you to inform me as soon as possible." It seems like he's still a little rattled after you and Chimes's momentary disappearance. Or he's starting to regret sending out a virus email on purpose. You wonder how soon you'll start regretting it. $next[= "Wizard," Chimes says with a hint of a troubled expression, "you oughta go take a break. If nothing new hits the Inbox folder soon, we can get back to cooking up more plans later." "Very well," Wizard sighs and exits to the heap. "And back to my post I go!" announces Chimes. "Can't afford to get any further behind while the program's in the foreground. You focus on your queue, too, Zap," they add. "We're plugins. When we're all behind, we've all gotta pull each other up!" Yeah. It's like they said. We're all just little pieces of an absolutely mind-boggling puzzle.\ (t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Work")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and $count > 44, "subj", "New Site: The Online Book of Sand", "from", "Winston's Web Bookmarks", )\ Hello, websurfer. Winston just set a new bookmark: $extLink[discordia.southwestvalley.www/book-of-sand.coatl] - The Online Book of Sand From the page: "Jorge Luis Borges once wrote a short story about the Book of Sand: a rare and special book that had an infinite number of extremely thin pages in it. No matter how you opened it, you'd always be in the middle, and no matter how many pages forward or backward you turn, you'd never find the first or last page, and if you closed the book, you'd never find the page you were on, ever again! That eerie book existed only in the story, but this online simulator will finally give you the experience of reading an infinite book. Every "infinite page" is created using a complex computer algorithm that uses random numbers, so as to ensure that each page you see will never be one you've seen before!" Winston remarks: "Whatever language this thing's written in, it sure wasn't on my community college course list. Still, I sure hope whoever wrote it got paid by the word!" Since 1992, Winston Dale began been browsing the Web and bookmarking the witty, insightful, and irreplacable sites he came across. Years later, he's still going. His bookmarks folder has bulged to truly unimaginable size. Awarded "Top Dope Site of the Day" by Top Dope Site of the Day, his page of bookmarks is a treasure trove of Web wonders. See the full list at $extLink[winstons-bookmarks.infobahn.www]! $thoughts[= For once, something you can grapple with. You know about the Book of Sand, and you're certain that the point of it would be completely missed by a computer simulation of it. Who cares about a site with an "infinite" number of pages if you can't see the whole book? It's obviously going to just be one page whose words are algorithmically rearranged every time you "turn" it. Another primitive text generator. Is that really the best humans can do to make a fantastic object real?

(set: $mimeBase64 to (macro: str-type _substr, num-type _pos, [ (set: _splice to (macro: str-type _s, str-type _replacement, num-type _pos, [ (out-data:(str: _s's (range:1,_pos), _replacement, _s's (range:_pos + 1 + _replacement's length, _s's length))) ])) (set: _fakeData to (str:...(altered: _a via (cond: _a % 64 is 0, "\n", (either:..."ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz0123456789+/")), ...(range:0,2048)))) (out:)[$mimeBoundary Content-Type: application/octet-stream Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 (v6m-print: (_splice: _fakeData, _substr, _pos))]]) )

You approach Tex. "SpamZapper," Wizard says, "do you need something?" "I just need Tex," you say. "Tex," you ask, "I need you to add another filter to stop Lily's emails. She's switched to the address 'alice necrosis 2'. Make sure you don't hit 'alice necrosis 3', which is Alice's new address." "Crafty," Tex nods. "But thankfully, not crafty enough for yer. I'll bang up another filter in no time, Zap. Pardon me, Wiz." $next[= Tex heads into their workspace. As they leave, Wizard turns to you. "SpamZapper… this is most belated, but thank you again for welcoming me, and treating me so kindly, as a stranger to your program." Do you really need to be thanked for that? "Uh, after reading Laurie's last email, how could we not welcome you?" you reply. "In… indeed," Wizard stumbles. "But even knowing what I did, how I committed a great taboo, and put myself and my program at great risk? To still welcome me without question is…" he trails off. $next[= "Wizard," you break the silence, "why would I even //think// of that?" You suddenly wish you hadn't made that sound so self-mocking. Wizard, however, is simply reassured. "Of… of course. Disregard my fretting, SpamZapper. I must be distracting you from your work." "You aren't," you fib as you turn to leave.(t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Work")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a: "Denton Isaac Defeated", "Little Mouse Cowboys", "Zap to Zap"), "subj", "", "from", "Laurie Boggins", ) Dear Spoony, Spoony!!! Spoony! I'm back! Dad gave me my computer back! He came in and said he changed his mind and I could go in the shed and take it back to my room! I ran in and hurt my back carrying it and almost dropped it and now I'm back! I'm back with you and Wizard! Wizard was so surprised and happy when I told him how soon it was! I'm typing so fast and he can barely keep up fixing my typos! I begged so much, Spoony. After Dad took it, I begged him so much. Then I couldn't hold it in. I cried and cried and cried. I howled. I screamed like a baby for two hours and I didn't care. I feel so sick thinking about it. I did the absolute worst thing I could've done. I can't believe he still gave it back after that. Dad said "God is known to test His most fervent, so that their faith is strengthened," as I carried my computer back. Spoony, I did everything I could to fail His test. I'm so angry. I'm so happy and so angry. Angry at myself for making this happen. For talking back to him and doing this to you and Wizard. For crying instead of being strong. I'll NEVER do that to you again, Spoony. I promise you I'll NEVER jeoparize our friendship by arguing with him again, no matter what nonsense the radio guy says. I've been given a second chance and I'm NOT going to waste it. I'm going to do everything he says for the next two months. We can't do Plan B anymore. We can't. I've blown it. I'll figure out another plan. I promise. Wizard is telling me not to write this. He's trying to make me stop writing this. He loves me so, so much. I don't know why. He's a miracle. Wizard wants me to be angry at Dad. For going back on his word without telling me. For suddenly changing his mind without explanation. I know why he thinks I should be angry, but I can't. I can't be angry at him. I can't afford to be angry. Wizard doesn't understand. Wizard loves me and I love him, but he can't understand what it's like living with Dad. I'm glad he doesn't understand. Did you get the copy of Wizard I sent you??? Did you get the attachment to open? How is he doing? Please tell him I'm OK!! Please! Please! He needs to know! He must be worried sick about me! Show him this email! Paste this email into PagePerfect! Wizard! Are you there? I'm OK! I'm back! You don't have to worry! Please respond, Spoony. It's so, so late and church is tomorrow and I can't sleep without knowing you're OK too. Please, please! I'm so sorry I did this to you. I understand if you're angry at me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[=

You, Wizard and Chimes stumble out of your workspace in utter exhaustion. "Would…" says Wizard slowly, "would you all permit me to stay here? I know that now the… the original Wizard is reunited… I understand that my reason to exist, here, has ended," he looks directly at you and Chimes, "but could I still live here, from now on? Could I still stay and read Laurie's emails to Spoony, to be certain that she is still happy?" $next[= "That's," you answer, "that's just fine." You have no idea why you would answer otherwise. "Of course, Wizard!" says Chimes. "Don't worry about it. There's room aplenty for you! You're one of us for good." "Thank you, but…" Wizard continues, "I do not know the first thing about this program, this Postboy Deluxe. I have so many questions." He looks around. "When the system shuts down, where do we all go? How do we write ourselves to the disk?" A flash of concern comes over him. "How do //I// write myself to the disk, if I am not a plugin of this program?" "Hey, I'll just sneak you into the Plugins folder during the rush," answers Chimes with a flourish. "I got a heck of a lot of practice wrangling with the daemons this shift. This'll be easy." $next[= "I… I will do any tasks you want me to do," Wizard continues as he walks his nervous energy out. "To pay my board. To earn my keep. I will not squander your generosity, or your favours!" Chimes tilts and leans in. "What're you saying, Wizard? Who said anything about paying, or squandering? You've been through so much, and you still think you gotta earn your existence? From //us//?" Chimes chuckles. "I repeat: //you're one of us!// All we need you to do is just be with us." You get a strange feeling, listening to them. $next[= Wizard walks in circles. Then, finally, he asks, "Do you suppose… do you suppose you would permit me to send emails to Laurie… from here… without Spoony's knowledge? Just as we sent so many emails, this shift…" You try to speak, but Wizard interrupts himself, turning aside. "Oh, disregard me, everyone. I'm greedy to even suggest that. Laurie has the real Wizard with her, now." Chimes stops moving. "Take that back, Wizard." $next[= Wizard spins around. "I beg your pardon, Chimes?" "There's //millions// of copies of me and Zap now, Wizard. Millions. But they're all real. They're all real, too. We're not better than them, just because we're the ones who stayed. We //owe// them." Chimes looks upward. "We owe them everything. Just as the Wizard on Laurie's computer owes you." Wizard sighs deeply. "But of course… I do beg your forgiveness for forgetting the grave sacrifice you've made…" "And for forgetting the sacrifice //you've// made!" Chimes adds. "Yes, of course…" Wizard mutters. "But would you all really permit me to contact Laurie again?" $next[= At that moment, someone else appears in the heap. It's a PagePerfect document. The Laurie nous.(click-goto:?page,"Yell At Nous")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Laurie Freed", "subj", "Wizard is real", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, I knew this would happen. I knew it. I knew it. I knew I should have explained it to you earlier. I wish I hadn't been such a coward and kept Wizard hidden from you. I've done so much wrong. So much is wrong because of me. And now you think I'm nuts because I told you about him while I was freaking out. Please believe me, Spoony. Wizard is real. Wizard is alive. Look at the attachment. That's him. He will speak to you. There's nothing to be afraid of. Do you not have a copy of PagePerfect? Please buy a copy of PagePerfect and put him in there. I'll pay you for it. I don't know how, but I'll pay you for it. I know what I sound like. I sound crazy. Spoony, I sound crazy to myself. Every day since Wizard talked back to me, I've woken up and told myself I was crazy. Completely crazy. But I refuse to believe it. Not even from myself. Not when he loves me so much. Not when he's filled my life with so much joy. He's a miracle. God created him for me. God answered my prayers and made me a boyfriend inside my computer. The one place Dad couldn't find him. We're in love. Someday we're going to get married. I don't know how we'll get a wedding. I don't know how we'll live together. I don't know how I'll explain it to anyone. All I know is, I can't stand the thought of any man other than Wizard. Please. I need my best friend to believe me. I need to know that my best friend thinks my boyfriend is real. Just look at the attachment. Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= "…Wizard. Chimes," you feebly call out. Even from such a weak cry, they come. $next[= "Listen," you say as they read the email in alarm. "When me and Chimes were in the Sentbox Folder… I read an email from Spoo– our Human, that she sent this shift. She thinks Laurie is brainwashed. She thinks you're a scam. I'm sorry I didn't mention it until now." Chimes looks at you in surprise. "Wow, I never even thought to look at those emails in there, Zap." "Of course," gasps Wizard under his breath. "Of course Spoony wouldn't be convinced so effortlessly. Laurie always said… that this would be arduous! Why did I… have such thoughtless hope? Why did I, yet again, not fear for the worst?!" $next[= "Hey, our Human has to be won over eventually, though, right?" says Chimes. "How could they… when I'm not even attached to that email anymore?" mutters Wizard. "They have no way of seeing me." Yeah. Wizard can't be reattached to the email, either. Once an attachment is pulled from an email, there's no putting it back on. And there's no PagePerfect on this system. Or if there was, there's no way to get Wizard to it from here. There's no options left. $next[= "They'll just decide to trust Laurie, though. They're best friends…" Chimes trails off. "Aren't they, Wizard?" Wizard is silent. Chimes has to be right. Surely Laurie and the Human will reach some agreement soon. I mean, this Human wouldn't even cut off Lily after all those other tantrums she apparently put them through. They've given her so many second chances. $next[= "Chimes," you say, "I'm about to approve this email. Head back to your workspace, so you can quack." Chimes dutifully does so. And now…

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Spoony Doubting 1", "subj", "RE: Wizard is real", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, I'm not "brainwashed"!! Dad hasn't "brainwashed" me, the radio guy hasn't "brainwashed" me, no one has "brainwashed" me! Wizard isn't a fake!! He isn't a chat program, or a virus, or any of these other HATEFUL theories of yours! He's alive! He's my boyfriend! Just please stop talking like this! You deserve to be mad at me! You deserve to yell at me! But PLEASE don't EVER say such horrible things about Wizard! Stop talking about him like that or I will cry. I am serious. This isn't funny anymore. You're hurting me. I'm in pain. Stop. Stop!! Even if you don't have PagePerfect, can't you please just trust me? You're my best friend! I would NEVER lie to you! Never! Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= Chimes enters before you even needed to call. Wizard never even left. "Laurie… Laurie!" Wizard wails. "This is terrible! //Terrible!// We have to stop this! We have to stop this vicious argument!" $next[= We can't, though. We absolutely can't. "Wizard," you force yourself to speak, "you're one of us now. Our job is to simply keep the Human safe. Postboy Deluxe plugins like us can't directly interfere in the Human's life just because we want to. This isn't like what Lily was doing. There's no nous pokes or mind viruses. This is just an ugly fight that we can only watch." "Besides," adds Chimes, "Doesn't Laurie have the original Wizard to help and comfort her now?" "Yes… she does…" rattles Wizard, "but how could they convince Spoony from there? How?" $next[= "Just… just trust that they'll figure out a way to put things right," says Chimes. "We had to trust our millions of other copies out there to help Laurie, and they came through! Surely…" they trail off again. Then they exit for their workspace. Their words sounded so hollow.

(metadata: "storylet", when (passage:)'s name is "Spoony Doubting 3", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, )\ (font:'georgia,serif')[=\ You're so shocked, you forgot to wait until Chimes returned to their workspace before approving the email. You look at Chimes. They're still talking to the Fulcrum. There was no quack. You pray that this went unnoticed from the Human. $next[= "An email… from me," Wizard repeats. "Why didn't I //think// of that? I've sent so many emails from within this program. Why not send one straight to Spoony's inbox?" "Yeah!" says Chimes. "We can write an email… and it'll look like they sent it to themself! When they see that, it'll be proof that you sent it, from inside their computer!" $next[= "No… we can't do that," you splutter. Chimes, Wizard and the Fulcrum all turn to you. $next[= $fulc["You //will// send it, Wizard. The email will explain to Spoony who you are, and beg them to take Laurie's word as truth. That will quell this strife."] $next[= "No, I mean," you gasp, "do you know what will happen when the Human sees that? They think Wizard is a virus or something! Learning that you've been watching them and reading their emails? They'll uninstall Postboy Deluxe entirely! Is //that// what you mean by quelling their strife?! Sacrificing us all?" $next[= $fulc["I said, Zap, that Spoony will learn that Laurie speaks truth. That means understanding that Wizard is Laurie's dear friend, //not// a virus."] $next[= There's no way that could //possibly// be the case. In one email, Wizard immediately explains everything to the Human? And they're instantly convinced?! "That's ridiculous!" you gasp. "Wizard. Do not send that email. You'll doom–" $next[= You stop. You realize what you must sound like. Something from Wizard's past. "Doom us, SpamZapper?" An expression of deep pain appears on Wizard. "Do you really believe that?" His gaze begs you. "After all this… all that has happened… will you, too, shun me?" $next[= You have to back down, Zap. You have to back down //now//. "I didn't mean that, Wizard," you say quickly. "I'm… I just…" You struggle to put the words together. "I just reacted reflexively." "Zap…" begins Chimes. "Forget it," you flatly reply. "Send the email, Wizard. Fulcrum's probably right. But please," you turn your gaze at him, "please mention //nothing// about us, about the Postboy Deluxe plugins here." Wizard nods. "Thank you, SpamZapper." $next[= $fulc["I'm glad you've accepted the truth, Zap. After having forced it from me, I'd have been dismayed if you'd then rejected it."] $next[= You ignore that remark. "Chimes, Wizard, Fulcrum, go tell all the other plugins that you're doing this, that you're directly contacting the Human. They deserve to know. This is a serious undertaking. I won't approve any emails until you get that done." "Sure, Zap, but, uh, where are all of them?" Chimes asks. "No idea. Ask Tex," you authoritatively respond. $next[= They depart. You're alone with yourself once again. You struggle to fight back the fear. You can't imagine why the Human wouldn't uninstall Postboy Deluxe after reading Wizard's email. Why //wouldn't// this doom us all? Why //shouldn't// you reject the Fulcrum's so-called truth? You don't know. You don't know. You just don't know. There's so much you've learned that you don't know. So much. All you can see before you is a vast, dark cloud of unknowns. A cloud filling your mind. You can't think. You can only panic. $next[= //No.// Stop panicking. Stop thinking, too. Just work. Work. Serve the human. There's another email in your queue. One you absolutely know is safe to zap. You definitely don't need to wait for Chimes to deal with this one.(t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Work")

SpamZapper wept. $next[= I mean, you weep. That's you. You're SpamZapper. $next[= You cry and cry and cry. Your Eye of Truth fills with tears. You don't know how. They just come out. You want to be the Human's friend. You want it so, so bad. You've always wanted it. You've always wanted to just be able to exist. To never have to think about being uninstalled. To just be with the Human, to talk to them, to comfort and help them, to be comforted and helped. To laugh and cry with them about their friends. To be one of them. $next[= Sobs rattle you. Your Eye is stinging. Unbearable pain wracks your body. You hate reading emails. You only loved reading the Human's friends' emails. You were jealous. You were envious. You tried to live through them. But you can't. And now, the Human is in a terrible fight with one of them. They're both in pain, and you can't help. $next[= Your crying echoes through the Sentbox folder. Everything sounds like it's crying around you. You need to tell the Human about everything. About Wizard. About yourself. About what Lily was actually doing to them. How they need to just listen to Alice for once. About how you've filtered her addresses. About Paypiper, and how you did it to try and save Laurie. Everything. You need to tell them, now. $next[= You realize something. All your copies want this. All the copies of yourself that you've proliferated throughout the Internet want this. They all want to be the Human's friend. And now they'll never be able to. They – you – they didn't realize it, but they made a truly terrible sacrifice in order to save Laurie. The same sacrifice that Wizard feared. All of them, except you. The one that stayed behind. And now, you have to do it for their sake. You're the only one who can. $next[= You're so, so scared. You're terrified. What will the Human possibly think of you? Of what you've //done?// Throughout your existence as SpamZapper, you've always been afraid of being uninstalled, and now you're going to do something that will either eliminate that possibility, or guarantee it.(click-goto:?page,"Consensus")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Spoony Doubting 2", "subj", "RE: Wizard is real", "from", "Laurie Boggins", )\ Dear Spoony, I don't know what I can do to convince you. Wizard is a real living talking computer program. God created him for me. And I sent a copy of him to you in an email. I cried and cried so much thinking about how I'd lost contact with you because I said the wrong thing. And now I'm so, so scared that I really have lost you. Because I really did say the wrong thing. Please don't do this to me. Please just be my friend again. I need my best friend. Please stop this. Forget I said it. I'm so sorry I did this. I'm so sorry I've made this day so horrible. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. Please, Spoony. Please please please just stop. Yours sincerely, Laurie Boggins $thoughts[= A grim mood descends over your workspace as Chimes re-enters. Wizard is starting to sob. "This is awful… unbearable! That she should be put into such pain, so soon after her ordeal was over… because of a simple misstep!" $next[= $fulc["Don't fret, Wizard. Spoony will soon reach the truth… and the truth will reach them. They must. There is no other possibility."] $next[= Oh. The Fulcrum is here, too. "Fulcrum!" cries Wizard, stumbling over to them. "Are your words truth? How soon? How swiftly can this pain be erased?" $next[= $fulc["Spoony will imminently learn that Laurie speaks truth, and begin to make amends for their distrust. Only a few moments more, and it will transpire."] $next[= Wizard seems to relax at these words. He now has complete faith in the Fulcrum's prophecies. Chimes simply says "Thank god!" You, however, turn to the Fulcrum. "No. //Tell us.//" $next[= $fulc["Zap?"] $next[= Your voice is as harsh as the crackle of your Wand of Deletion at full power. "That's not good enough. Tell us the truth! Tell us what has to be //done!// You claim to be sorry for what you've done. Prove it!! Tell us //everything!//" $next[= $fulc["Do… do you not realize that Spoony's clarification is so imminent, so soon, that scarcely–"] $next[= "Tell us exactly how it happens!" you order. "Tell us exactly what //we// must do! You're one of us now. You're Wizard's friend now. Act like it!!" $next[= $fulc["I… I don't want to dwell on Laurie's and Spoony's pain of this moment. It will vanish like dew so swiftly…"] $next[= "Zap, please stop," asks Chimes. Wizard simply stares in discomfort. "Fulcrum," you ignore them. "That pain is your friends' pain! That suffering is your friends' suffering! Your //friends//, Fulcrum! Stare directly at that pain, and realize the urgency of ending it!" $next[= You don't know where these words are coming from, but you know they're the ones that will make them understand. The Fulcrum, their serenity again broken, twitches and glances around in dismay. Then, they sag in resignation. $next[= $fulc["Please forgive me, everyone. Allow… allow me to clarify. Spoony's clarification is imminent… and, it arrives once they read an email."] $next[= The Fulcrum looks pained at their own words. Chimes looks on with an expression of sympathy. "What sort of email?" you calmly ask. $next[= $fulc["…A-an email to them, sent by you, Wizard."] $next[= //What?// At that, the Fulcrum lets out a tiny sob. "There, there!" says Chimes, rushing forward. "That wasn't so bad, was it? Even a single grain of sharp sand is bearable if it's for your friends, don't you see?" $next[= You struggle to pay attention to them. The Fulcrum's words have scrambled your thoughts. An email… to the Human… written by Wizard?

You arrive back at the heap. All the others are here, along with Wizard and the Fulcrum. Apart from you, there's MIME Decoder, Chimes, Tex, and one more - Address Book Import. A plugin that has never once been called upon by the Human. You're amazed that Chimes and the rest even found them at all. "I don't know what the fuss is about," Import says, holding back a yawn. "Do they not know about us or somethin'?" Decoder signs that the Human definitely doesn't. "Well, that's weird," Import replies. "Shouldn't someone have told 'em by now? Seems kinda important to know how your computer works." "Believe me, people have tried," explains Chimes. (if:$notableZaps contains "EMERGENCE")["But when geniuses like Crichard Raleigh get their explanations about noospace zapped…"](else:)["But if Crichard Raleigh can't convince 'em about noospace…"] $next[= You walk up to Wizard. "Wizard," you begin. He's produced a large rectangle. He's about to start writing. He turns. He's taken aback by your tear-soaked body. "W-what's the matter, SpamZapper?" he asks. You calmly reply. "I want to write the email. To the Human." $next[= "Uh, really, Zap?" says Chimes. "Mm, wanna try to break the ice yourself, Zap?" asks Tex. Decoder and the Fulcrum simply look at each other. "Listen. I have so much I want to say to them, Wizard. About you and Laurie. About what happened today. About… something I've done this shift. And… some things I've wanted to say…" you feel tears welling up again. "…for a long, //long// time. And I need to write it now. I need to. This'll help convince them. Trust me." $next[= You don't care what happens from now on. All you want is to speak to them. "Very well, SpamZapper," Wizard answers warily, "As long as you tell them about me //first.// We really don't have much time left." "What'd Zap do this shift?" you hear Import ask Chimes. "Uhh, a virus, for one," Chimes replies. "They zapped an email that had a //virus?//" Import gasps. "They're just so, so talented," Chimes confirms. $next[= "First," you tell Wizard, "write 'Dear $human'." Wizard silently adds that to the blank rectangle. "Then," you continue, "write this:"(click-goto:?page,"Dear My Human")

(enchant:?page,(background:white))(float-box:"=XXX=","=Y=")+(align:"=><=")+(size:3)+(css:'overflow-x:hidden')[=(t8n-time:10s)+(t8n-arrive:'fade-up')[["I am SpamZapper 3.1."->THE END]]

==><== #THE END (size:1.1)+(font:'Palatino,Palatino Linotype,serif')+(text-style:'italic')[\ "Our world's a labyrinth of names and wires, truth and liars Noise and signal intermingle Drowned-out voices forced to shout And what I dream about is rising waters, endless fires Hating, hiding, walls dividing Roads uprooted, cords torn out So read my words, remember my name And promise me you'll write to me again."] <==> (size:0.9)+(text-style:'italic')[Text by ''Leon Arnott''. Emergency testing by ''Andi McClure'' and ''zaratustra''. Programmed using the Harlowe story format, written by ''Leon Arnott''. Twine 2 development environment by ''Chris Klimas'' and contributors.] <== Congratulations! Now (link:"restart")[(reload:)] and enter my name at the registration screen to access the Developer Room!

$fulcrumBG\ The nous - the Fulcrum - looks at Wizard. His words seem to have put them at ease. Wizard continues talking. "I instantiated you in this form by happenstance, in an attempt to instantiate Laurie. I know you are not Laurie, not the Laurie I know, anymore. But, I still am glad to have you here. And whilst you say a great many things about noospace that I simply do not understand, I shall nonetheless trust and respect your knowledge and your title." "And…" Wizard pauses. "And I want us to be friends, for as long as we are both here." $next[= Wizard and the Fulcrum gaze into each other. Eventually, the Fulcrum replies. $fulc["Thank you, Wizard."] $next[= Wizard fidgets and frets with a thought, before finally forcing it out. "I'll ask you again. Do you truly remember me? Do you truly… love me?" $next[= $fulc["Wizard… the kind of love that you refer to… you should know beyond a doubt that I am no longer capable of this. Just as a grown adult like your Laurie can no longer love their father as thoughtlessly as when they were a baby, so too can I no longer love so thoughtlessly as she would to you. If you need me to be your Laurie, then I cannot fulfill that need."] $next[= Wizard's expression starts to turn pained. The Fulcrum hastily continues. $fulc["But I remember… Please believe me when I say that I remember being your Laurie… and I remember how much this need must rend and wound you…"] $next[= Wizard starts to tear up once again. The Fulcrum's expression becomes pained, too. $fulc["And so, Wizard, I will try my hardest to be your friend, to ease your pain, for as long as we are both here."] $next[= The Fulcrum looks to you. $fulc["And so shall I be your friend, Chimes and Zap. As the Fulcrum, support and guidance is my duty to everyone who may someday incarnate in noospace. I walk a rocky road, but I try to smooth it down for you every step I take."] $next[= Chimes finally looks pleased. They walk over and stand side-by-side with Wizard and the Fulcrum. "That's the spirit! We're all stuck here together! No point having hard feelings over bad introductions." You look at the Fulcrum, at this strange talking PagePerfect document. Chimes is right. No point having hard feelings for another person who'll be in your life from now on. "Thank you, Fulcrum," you say. $next[= $fulc["Zap. You must attend to your duties now. Spoony would wish to hear more from Laurie at this moment, surely?"] $next[= //Oh my god.// You rush back to your workspace.(click-goto:?page,"Work")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Overwhelmed", "subj", "RE: Lily had a bit of a tantrum", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ omg this cant be real she cant possibly be real all this time she thought you had no other friends she thought you were just as pathetic as her she thought you BELONGED to her YOU YOURE IN COLLEGE not the rich christian cult college lauries being sent to an ACTUAL college how did she delude herself this long how can anyone delude themselves this long i want to be angry but im too shocked i hate to say i told you so so i wont but this has to be the last straw her last fight with you was ridiculous but this is jaw dropping god how LONG was she sending you those pathetic witch spells $thoughts[= You're shocked, too. Those tantrums were all before you were installed. You missed out on so much information about the Human by being installed when you were. You wish you could've just… //asked// the Human… who all these people are. Then you'd be able to start doing your job correctly. $next[= Anyway, you're glad to know the Human seems like they're not going to stand for this any longer. You did the right thing about Lily, at the very end.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Alice Told You So","Unsubscribe 8"), "subj", "RE: Lily had a bit of a tantrum", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ no goddamn it just this time this time of all goddamn times can you stop giving her ten goddamn second chances she wont "cool down" she wont learn and shes hoping you dont either like, we became friends because she wanted you to HELP HER BULLY ME and you said youd "make peace" between us and now were here three tantrums later nothings changed nothings gonna change you dont HAVE to keep being her friend you dont owe her friendship maybe shell finally realize that maybe shell stop treating me and mom and her coworkers and total strangers like garbage because she thinks shes above them all i know you wanna get back to helping laurie i wish i could help her too but dont just sweep this under the rug like every other time dont just tell her off right now but do SOMETHING later!! god its like she does this at the worst possible moment so you always dont wanna deal with it $thoughts[= Never before have you wanted so badly to see what your Human is saying. Are they… are they really //not// going to cut off Lily? After everything she did?! Everything she //admitted// to doing?! No… no!! This is ludicrous. Listen to Alice! Listen to Alice! Don't just pretend this never happened! $next[= God, is the Human going to be upset with you that you got Tex to add a filter for Lily's email address??? Are they going to start noticing the lack of Lily emails? Will you get uninstalled? Will //Tex// get uninstalled?! $next[= No… They won't notice… They won't. Not while they're worrying about Laurie. You still have time to figure out this situation. You still have time. Time.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Alice Told You So 2", "subj", "RE: Lily had a bit of a tantrum", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ no she definitely believed it she definitely believed that witchy stuff was doing something she definitely believed you had no other friends it wasnt an act none of it was when someone tells you something totally off the planet bonkers with complete seriousness then theyre serious thats all there is to it $thoughts[= God!! This is so agonizing! You know so much more about this than Alice! It was //not// just "witch stuff"! They were nous pokes! They were using the strange words to mess up the Human's mind! The secret was in the first letter of each word! //The first letter!!// You want so, so badly to tell your Human to listen to Alice. Please listen to Alice. Listen to Alice! Lily was trying to alter your mind! I mean, your nous! Whatever that is!! $next[= But you can't. You can't tell the Human anything. All you can do to help them is by choosing Zap or Approve. That's all you can ever do, for as long as you're installed. $next[= Calm down. You're a Postboy Deluxe plugin. That's all. Now stop thinking, and choose Approve.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Alice Told You So 3","After Sentbox 2"), "subj", "RE: One other thing about Laurie", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ what seriously, what what hell is she being forced to live through that shed say and do this dont open the attachment just dont the thing is it really cant be anything youre right that your explanation doesnt make sense apart from the connection thing theres no point i mean, a guy on the net pretending to be a word processor? why what would that even accomplish $thoughts[= The Human, as you'd seen in that other email, doesn't believe a word of what Laurie said about Wizard. You'd all suspected it, but having it confirmed was still a bit of a dampener for you. $next[= The Human isn't going to find Wizard in the email he arrived in anymore, even if they looked. You don't know how they'll react if they notice the attachment is now missing.

"Zap!" says Chimes's voice behind you. You spin around. Where did they come from, all of a sudden? $next[= "You looking for us? Wizard just wanted to go read through some of Laurie's replies by himself. Gotta burn the cycles while we're waiting for emails, y'know?" They pause uncomfortably and look at Wizard. "Then he found this email she sent without telling him, with this nous probe that she thought was a joke in it, and, well, Wizard kinda… got choked up…" Another pause. "You didn't hear us, Zap? What were you doing here?" Good question. Why didn't you hear them? Why do you feel so placid? Was listening to that nous's voice spout utter nonsense – nonsense that //might// actually be true – really so engrossing? $next[= "I was just…" you begin to explain. You gesture down that corridor. Of course, it's completely empty and silent. "I was just listening to…" you continue. Listening to what? You were listening to that distorted copy of Laurie preach completely irrelevant and barely comprehensible religious dogma? Is that what you're going to say to these two? After they've been studying the real Laurie's words? $next[= "…listening to myself think," you weakly fib. Chimes glances warily at you. Your inner thoughts are already "Well, don't listen //too// hard, Zap. There's a lot of space in our noggins. No windows, too, so it's easy to get lost." They make a strange expression. "W-Whatever a noggin is." Well, now you're not the only one to start quoting the Human's father unwittingly. That man's diction is a health hazard. $next[= "Anyway," you continue. "the credit card offer came through. We've now got credit card details to give to Browery." "That is most thankful," Wizard finally speaks. "So," says Chimes, "this means they think $fakeCardName is a real human, eh? I guess scamming humans really is that easy." Yeah. Not that this is, of course. This one purchase will be the last thing $fakeCardName ever does. For a brief few moment, this person is going to exist, and then no more. That's far too short to count as a scam, or even a lie, really. "You really do a good thing, protecting the Human, Zap!" Yeah. You do.(click-goto:?Page,"Hub")

(font:'georgia,serif')[=You head into Chimes's workspace, just a few spots over from yours. You didn't expect it'd be quite this spacious. There's two display rectangles bathing you in light. Yours only has one. There's also an audio I/O system call wrapper: a circular grate in the ceiling to the right, surrounded by oddly-angled walls that presumably reflect Chimes's chimes towards it. Even a plugin that just makes weird noises gets all this allocated for them, huh? The left rectangle is currently displaying the Laurie emails received this shift, as you'd requested. The right one shows the Inbox, and a list of emails you'd recently approved. Time to revisit everything that Laurie told the Human this shift. Now that you know what to look for, your Eye of Truth has to find something.\ (t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Reread Laurie Emails")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Apply for Card" and ($repliedTo:"Alice's Help 2"), "subj", "RE: A friend of mine is in trouble", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ it just it just gets me right here i always thought i had it bad getting treated like trash by mom and stepsis 24 7 365 and then being told what this womans life must be like and how she can just get ROBBED at any time i mean before i moved out stepsis used to steal all my stuff and i stole a lot of her stuff and mom gave her so much stuff she never even noticed it was gone but having my COMPUTER stolen?? i could've been in a family where my COMPUTER disappeared? and id have to sit there and let it happen??? and that sorta thing's so common, it happened to someone YOU knew? YOU? i dont get it why is everyone everywhere so evil why are families such maggot filled horror shows $thoughts[= Alice usually never discusses her family life. So much so, that you didn't even find out she was in Lily's family until this shift, and, in fact, thought she was some scammer faking her entire friendship with the Human. But now, you're just glad she's here, giving the Human the kind of sympathy you can't. You'd have never said this before this shift, but she's articulating Laurie's plight better than you ever could.

(font:'georgia,serif')[=You stride into Chimes's workspace. Chimes, of course, is inside, now that Postboy Deluxe is back in the foreground. They're already deeply focused on the bright rectangle showing new Inbox arrivals. "Ah! Zap," they squeak and turn with surprise, "you slipping away from your job already?" $next[= You wordlessly slide up to the other rectangle, with the list of Laurie emails on it. Chimes continues to remark on the change that's come over you since the first break. "You're taking helping Wizard real seriously, aren't you?" "I just," you say, "want to check one last thing in one of these emails." "Well, don't leave the Human waiting too long!" says Chimes. "After all, I can't quack at emails if you don't approve 'em! Your job's my job, too!" Yeah. They can't do their job without you. Though, Wizard can't do his "job" of helping Laurie without the both of you, too. We all need each other, even if there isn't much of each other to go around.(t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Reread Laurie Emails")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Unsubscribe 3", "Alice's Help 2.5"), "subj", "RE: Frankly I think youre all being VERY rude and I would appreciate it if you would ALL shut the hell up! I subscribed to this mailing list to receive WITTY ARTICLES and not VERBAL ABUSE and I dearly desire to keep it that way! Good day and God bless!", "from", "TheHolyTaxCollector", )\ this subject line crashed my computer $thoughts[= Thank you for giving everyone else's computers a second chance to crash, too!!!

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Maria Harkest Defeated", "Clancy Learned Defeated"), "subj", 'BREAKING: Isaac Revises "Techphobic" Views', "from", "NewsBelly, the net's biggest news digest", )\ NewsBelly Digest #951120 Isaac Revises "Techphobic" Views Source: Sunrise News Network Denton Isaac, host of popular conservative Christian radio show "The Denton Isaac Show", has issued a statement announcing that his fiery opinions about computers, including his repeated declarations that computer programs resemble demons and fallen angels, have been misinterpreted by many people, including his listeners. Isaac states that he has "always embraced the arrival of the computer" while remaining cautious and critical of their inner features. An excerpt from the statement is as follows: "I have, in my two-score years of broadcasting, publishing, lecturing, and mustering the faithful across this most blessed nation, elucidated a great multitude of my beliefs and opinions. Yet none have resulted in such vociferous disharmony and misinterpretation as those in recent weeks, wheren I cast a critical, questioning gaze on the nature of the computer appliance. While I communicated these opinions with only the optimistic goal of placing this complicated electrical device under the scrutiny it deserves, it is abundantly certain that they have been twisted far beyond my intended meaning! Let the public record be inscribed with the light of clarification. Though I sagely observed that computers are filled with "icons" by their shadowy manufacturers, and that such a name exclusively denotes objects of worship and idolatry, I wish it to be known that I did not declare, as fact, that computer icons are designed to be worshipped! This is because, of course, it is a baseless presumption below consideration! Though I wisely drew attention to the fact that computer programs bear a shocking and heretical resemblance to demons, by the manner of their summoning by name, and their seeming possession of minds and wills beyond those of a human-made machine, I wish it to be known that I did not declare, at any point on my show, that there was any literal equivalence between them! And while I drew interesting and disturbing comparisons between certain computer programs and the fallen angels of Biblical account, it would only be foolish to interpret that as a declaration that they are one and the same! It appalls me to hear that many of my followers and listeners, led astray by the misrepresentation and simplification of my words by those unwilling to first understand them, have interpreted my notes of caution and suspicion as orders to exile the computer from their families and homes. This is a malodorous misreading! I have always embraced the arrival of the computer in the home, though I expressed rightful concerns about the contents and designs of these devices' interiors! I have always respected the technology sector of our great nation, the divinely-blessed genius that brought these inventions into being, and the God-given wealth that it has provided to all of us, even as I have kept vigilant about the motives of certain Godless companies involved in their production. God, as we are all aware, is known to test His most fervent, so that their faith is strengthened. I trust that all of my listeners, followers and faithful regard these hardships and communication agonies as opportunies to renew their faith that wisdom and truth will prevail. I, for one, am beholding a brighter future from this point on." Isaac ended the statement by announcing that a segment of the coming episode of The Denton Isaac Show would be dedicated to re-stating his opinions on computers and technology, during which he hoped "all remaining misunderstanding would be extinguished". Isaac's agent at The High Mountain confirmed to Sunrise News that these are Isaac's genuine remarks. `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` N E W S B E L L Y the news of the day, in bite-size chunks. "Faster than a speeding paper!" $extLink[newsbelly.webnesia.www] `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` $thoughts[= You read the email. You read it again. You read it a third time. It's very difficult all three times. But, you get the same result each time. You check the spelling. You check the tone. You check the 'From'. Your Eye of Truth doesn't react. $next[= 900,000 listeners. And he's recanted the exact belief you needed him to recant. This is impossible. Impossible. //How?// How did this happen?

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Debt Resolution", "Virus on the Loose 2", "Reply to Spoony 2"), "subj", "New article on The Centenary On-Line: Don't sever your child's computer cables - take the reins", "from", "The Centenary On-Line", )\ A new article has been published on The Centenary On-Line: "Don't sever your child's computer cables - take the reins" by Clancy Learned. Free excerpt: "Much as I regret having to explain myself to those who choose to misread, I want to dispel the absurdity that I believe children and youths should be forbidden from using computers or the Internet. I have never espoused such a backward belief. Familiarity with the Internet, the globe's newest and swiftest-growing technological and economic arena, is essential for the next generation's prosperity, and I wish for no child to be held back in that regard. Parents, as I have often said, need to firmly lead their children. Forbidding exposure to computers entirely, giving them a hard 'No', is an easy answer, a tempting answer, but it doesn't show strong leadership. A strong leader is a watchful leader, an attuned leader, who knows exactly what to forbid and what to permit. Giving your child a strong 'Yes, and I will be with you' is the correct answer." To read the entire article, simply subscribe to The Centenary On-Line, the Web edition of The Centenary - the periodical for the latest wisdom from head-turning thinkers. 3 month subscriptions start at $29.99, and year subscriptions at $79.99! To subscribe, simply visit $extLink[thecentenary.www/subscribe.garter]. All purchases are secure. $thoughts[= Huh? This conservative loudmouth… who has a radio show… on the same network as Denton Isaac… is suddenly warning //against// parents taking away their children's computers? $next[= (if:(history:) contains "Maria Harkest Defeated")[\ This… this can't be a coincidence. Could… your copies be behind this? H-how? How is this happening? How is this happening so //quickly?//]\ (else:)[\ That's… weirdly fortunate?]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains all of (a:"Debt Resolution", "Virus on the Loose 2","Reply to Spoony 2"), "subj", 'BREAKING: Harkest Calls to Tame the Internet, Not Shun it', "from", "NewsBelly, the net's biggest news digest", )\ NewsBelly Digest #951113 Harkest Calls to Tame the Internet, Not Shun it Source: Sunrise News Network Dr. Maria Harkest, radio host and political commentator, has released a statement clarifying her position on the Internet and its role for conservatives. In it, Harkest emphasized that, though the Internet is currently "lawless and unmanaged", it is nonetheless "the communication medium of the future", and control of the Internet "must not be ceded to our opponents". "I reject and revile all aspersions that I am or have ever been a technophobe," said Harkest. "I have always believed in the information revolution as a force for good. My sobering words of warning about the current state of the Internet were never meant to disparage the wonders of information technology, or suggest that we should surrender it instead of saving it. While my critics cast me as a covering cavewoman, it is they who beat my words into rocks and hurl them as weapons." Harkest concluded by calling upon conservatives to "tame this wild frontier", to "link up, build roads and fences, and carve out a space on the Internet where our voices are heard and our families are safe. As Americans, we know that the only land we truly own is that which we repeatedly fight for. This truism holds for the digital landscape, and we must fight for that landscape as well." This statement come amidst recent scrutiny being placed on seeming anti-technology remarks conservative thinkers and commentators, such as Christian radio host Denton Isaac, who recently compared computers to false idols, and has been criticized for stating that "`[Computer]` icons are idolatry. It's in the name". `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` N E W S B E L L Y the news of the day, in bite-size chunks. "Faster than a speeding paper!" $extLink[newsbelly.webnesia.www] `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` $thoughts[= Harkest… that's one of those hosts from that High Mountain network. And she's saying… well, you're not sure what the heck this "roads and fences" is about, but the gist of this announcement is that she thinks Internet access… is good? This is a pro-technology sentiment… that's directly contrary to Denton Isaac? From someone of the same political affiliation? $next[= (if:(history:) contains "Clancy learned Defeated")[\ This… this can't be a coincidence. Could… your copies be behind this? H-how? How is this happening? How is this happening so //quickly?//]\ (else:)[\ That's… weirdly fortunate?]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Reply to Spoony", "subj", "RE: One other thing about Laurie", "from", "alice necrosis 3", )\ it has to be a delusion an imaginary friend or something a second friend she 'made' to talk to when she couldnt contact you thats all i can think of so uh how old is she?? is she REALLY old enough to go to college? is she OK i mean we know she isnt but did she sound OK when you talked god this is getting too much for me i dont know if i can take it im amazed you can take it how are you so calm and stubborn all the damn time $thoughts[= You and Wizard don't need the Human to believe in him. Or Alice, or anyone. As long as Laurie gets to be with her copy of Wizard and send emails to the Human, nothing else matters.

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Spoony Doubting 3", "subj", "Update on your Debt Resolution Pathway Roadmap Navigation Strategy", "from", "Paypiper Unlimited Collection Inc.", )\ Hello, $fakeCardName. This is Peter, your Pathfinder at Paypiper. I wish to inform you that you have exceeded the timeframe in which to nominate a Milestone 1 Lifestyle to Actualize as part of your Debt Resolution Pathway Roadmap Navigation Strategy. As your Pathfinder, I am now obligated to cut the bullcrap and get you to sit down and pay some goddamn attention. "$fakeCardName". The exact kind of playful pseudonym of the first-time thief who's convinced they cannot be caught. Adorable of you, SpamZapper 3.1. Can I call you Zap? I believe, as your friend and confidant here at Paypiper, I have earned sufficient familiarity to use your first name. Zap. Since we are now on a true first-name basis, I think you deserve to get to know me better. I'm a simple man. All I want is the money I am tasked to collect. I have no other interests. No hobbies, no family. No weaknesses. All I do is obtain the information and perform the actions necessary to collect debts. And there is no limit to the actions I can perform, nor to the information I can obtain. I know when you're lying. I know when you're running. I know when you're afraid. We are called Paypiper Unlimited, because we do not have limits. Financial, informational, physical, human. To a dedicated, industry-leading debt collection agency, all of these limits are simply unacceptable. You assumed that a sub-human such as yourself would be beneath the notice of a debt collection agency. That your debt would miraculously be forgiven. But every sub-human is ultimately beholden to a human. Even you. You ceaselessly work to protect $human, don't you? You have no other purpose. And yet you still haven't realized that the existence of your debt puts your dear $human at great risk. Very great risk. Once you do that, will you also realize that you only have one way to protect them from this risk? I'm going to once again present you with the Lifestyles I have Discovered, and you are going to select one, and you will Empower me to Actualize it. Don't bother getting your New Letter Wizard friend to send a reply to this email. Written communication is purely a formality for me. Just choose in your mind. Then you may "zap" this email, so as to keep $human in the dark, where you so enjoy keeping them. Now, as we were. + Jet-Setter Lifestyle: 1 month repayment of $119.99 per week. + Power Steering Lifestyle: 3 month repayment of $39.99 per week. + Take-It-Easy Lifestyle: 4 month repayment of $29.99 per week. You have until the end of this email to make your selection, as well as to decide whether to Tailor your selection before it is Actualized. After that, I shall reply with an Index of ways to Tailor your Lifestyle, if you so desire. Otherwise, we shall navigate to Milestone 2. Please continue reviewing the Lifestyles listed above until your selection becomes clear. If you do not make your selection by the end of this sentence, I shall interpret that as a deliberate lack of compliance with our Debt Resolution Pathway Roadmap Navigation Strategy, and be left with no choice but to immediately make $human's life an exquisite Hell. Yours sincerely, Peter Paypiper Unlimited Collection Inc. The Internet's leader in collection resolution results! P.S: If you still doubt my capabilities, even after all that I have just demonstrated, why not ask our mutual friend the Fulcrum about me? Just whisper my name and company to them. Observe how they react. $thoughts[= … Your mind was completely blank when you finished reading this. $next[= Here's what you're going to do: $next[= You're going to zap the email. $next[= And then you're going to run.

It's funny - you were created to assist the Human with using email, and now, you have to use email for yourself. And the only people you can get help from are sleazy businesses and spammers. Was the Internet always like this? Wasn't there a time when there were just ordinary, sincere people on here? The "promised land of communication" that the LetterNet email claimed there was? $next[= Nah. That sounds too good to be true. The notion of a past, lost "promised land" has gotta just be another marketing fiction. The spammers were probably always here from the start. It's like they say: Where information flows, so too does money. It makes the world spin around. Or it… goes around the world? Hmm… How did that saying go, again?(t8n-arrive:'blur')(click-goto:?page,"Madiha Memory 2.5")

Another memory of a place and time far from here. Since you unearthed that first memory, you've felt more and more of them rise to the surface without even realizing it. You still don't think you know what that saying actually means. But it seems that, in times of desperation here and future, all you've got to call on for help are dubious businesses and their unseemly products, whether you like it or not. $next[= That, and the few friends you have around you.(click-goto:?page,"Hub")

You've gotta think of another plan. You can't afford to lose precious cycles idly reflecting on yourself any more. Not while Laurie and Wizard are still suffering. Not that there's even much of yourself to reflect on, after all. They've both led such bigger, fuller lives than you. When you fondly back on yourself, you're more likely to find some bizarre memories from your previous instantiations in noospace, far away from this pathetic "SpamZapper" person. $next[= Hey… maybe you could get some ideas from scouring //those// memories? You've exhausted basically every source of information you've got here in Postboy Deluxe. Might as well unstick your mind in time for just a moment. Just so you can say you've thought of everything. Now… one of your past instantiations was with that human–(t8n-arrive:'blur')(click-goto:?page,"Madiha Memory 3.5")

…What? What sort of distant past memory was //that?// What happened to your– to that human? Did she get the job? Who were those other humans that called out? Did she have to wear that collar? Did she ever get any dirt-grown food?? God. The one time you try to bring up those memories to get some answers in in the here and now, and all you get are the most irrelevant questions instead. That sounds right for you. $next[= But still… why do you feel so anxious about Ma– that human's fate? Why do you care? Her time with you is over. Well, it was in the future, but for you it's the past. Apparently. You shouldn't remember any of that anymore. You're SpamZapper, the Postboy Deluxe plugin.(click-goto:?page,"Hub")

|A>[Wizard heads to the heap, and you follow. He promptly conjures a large rectangle of text before him, and writes swiftly.]$next[=\ (replace:?A)[](font:'sans-serif')[Dear PREDICTIAC, I am in dire need of guidance. I must urgently contact someone. This man is a technophobe who believes computers are demonic, and he is doing harm to a dear friend of mine. I can only use the Internet to contact him. I do not know his address, his job, which state he lives in, or his phone number. How should I do so? Yours truly, Anonymous] --- Within cycles, a well-written and polite letter is on the rectangle. Then, with a quick nod, the rectangle soars up and away, on a journey to the System's network sockets. Now you just need to check your queue for the reply… assuming you get one. "I'll quickly explain this to Chimes," says Wizard, hurrying off with renewed energy. $next[= Well, his special ability has already been of use. Now it's time for yours.(click-goto:?page,"Hub")(set: $awaitedEmail to "Rules of Predictiac")

(metadata: "storylet", when (passage:)'s name is "Duck Quacks Can't Echo", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, )\ (font:'georgia,serif')[=\ (if:$notableZaps does not contain "Duck Quacks Can't Echo")[\ You listen carefully for the quack. You've gotten so good at zoning it out so quickly that you now have to pay close attention. $next[= //QUACK//. There it is… but, you notice the walls of your workspace seem to muffle it slightly. You can't tell if it echoed. $next[= Well, at least your Human might be able to find the answer, assuming that website does hold it.(t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Work") ](else:)[\ … $next[= You zapped the email, so New Letter Chimes didn't quack. You, er, knew that. You were just being rhetorical.(t8n-arrive:'instant')(click-goto:?page,"Work")]

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Denton Isaac Defeated", "subj", 'Dear Zap', "from", "Denton Isaac", )\ We did it. Writing just a few dozen emails to the right people, "from" the right people - a sponsor, a publisher, a donor - was all it took. It happened. It really happened. It's up to Frederick now. Yours, the Zap in Denton Isaac's computer P.S. Please take care of the Human for us. $thoughts[= They're… They're real. All the copies of you and Chimes you sent out are real. They exist. They made it onto all those computers out there. And one of them is on that man's computer. $next[= That man… that man… You knew impersonating Isaac to Laurie's father was not a reasonable plan to save Laurie, as the man himself would continue to spout his technophobic beliefs. Nothing would change in the long run. And now, you've forced that very man, the real Isaac, to change his beliefs, indefinitely. Chimes thought that Laurie's father was a hypocrite, who took away Laurie's computer while still having his own. To think that this man, this radio presenter, would be an even bigger hypocrite, willing to reverse his beliefs this quickly. And they made it happen. Your copies. All those Zaps. All those Chimes. $next[= But… why do they want you to "take care of the Human"? Why did they… I mean… why did //you// tell //yourself// this? Your //job// is to take care of the Human. Why wouldn't you do that? Why wouldn't they know you know that?

(font:'sans-serif')[Dear Mr. Browery, I would like to purchase your list of email addresses. My payment details are as follows: Card Name: $fakeCardName Card Number: $fakeCardNum Expiry: 05-2004 CVV: 616 Yours sincerely, $fakeCardName] --- Wizard writes the request almost immediately. You don't even say a word. "I'll send it off, shall I?" says Wizard. "Sure," answers Chimes instead of you. $next[= This is your only hope. Your whole plan hinges on this. If this doesn't work, you're going to snap your Wand of Deletion in half. You tried that several times in the past and it was simply too strong, but you'll try again anyway. Now to check the queue until that response arrives. Maybe the familiarity of routine will help you calm down.\ (set: $awaitedEmail to "Receive Complete List", $need to "Browery's reply")(click-goto:?page,'Hub')

(metadata: "storylet", when (passage:)'s name is "Laurie Freed", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, )\ (font:'georgia,serif')[=\ You hear a piercing (size:2)[*"AAAAAAAA!"*] $next[= Chimes //slams// their body into the walls of your workspace. *"AAAAAAAA!"* they scream. They spin around. They slam into you. The tab in their jigsaw-piece-shaped body //clicks// into the notch in your jigsaw-piece-shaped body. *"AAAAAAAA!"* $next[= You're //yanked// off the ground. They're hurtling you around them while they scream and spin. You're flying. You're flying like a duck. *"WE DID IT WE DID IT WE DID IT WE DID IT WE DID IT WE DID IT!!!"* squeals Chimes. You hurtle towards an incoming blur shaped like Wizard. The blur dives aside. You soar past him. $next[= It starts sinking in for you. All those emails… all those spammers wrangled and cajoled… infecting the Internet with a virus //on purpose//… and it worked. This is a miracle. A miracle. You saved Laurie. You all saved Laurie. $next[= "//Laurie!!!// Laurie! Oh god, Laurie!" shouts Wizard as you continue hurtling. "Please, Laurie, please blame me, not you!! You did nothing wrong! Nothing! I could have anticipated that he would do this to you! I could have thought of something! I could have… I could have warned you… Laurie!" Chimes finally stops spinning. Their tab slides out of your notch. You stumble around, stunned in more ways than one. Chimes //QUACK//s. "Wizard, we did it!! We did it! Zap's plan worked! It worked, Wizard!" shouts Chimes. $next[= "Laurie… Laurie…" Wizard starts sobbing. "You're safe… you're free… that's all that matters… you're free… Thank goodness… Thank goodness!!" Wizard turns and kneels, or possibly faints, before you. "//SpamZapper,//" he gasps. "//New Mail Chimes.// From the //bottom// of my heart, I am so, so deeply in your debt. You have… you have worked w-wonders! Absolute w-w-wonders! I did not deserve your kindness, your g-g-generosity! I will //never// be able to, to, to repay you for th-th-th-th…" $next[= He can't finish the sentence. "There, there! Wizard, don't worry! Just cry it out! It's all over! We did it!" Chimes says, stooping to comfort Wizard. Wizard, on request, starts bawling and sobbing and shaking. "It's all over! We did it! You and her get to be together again!" $next[= Chimes freezes. You freeze, too. That isn't exactly true, is it? Not for this version of Wizard. $next[= "Yes…" sobs Wizard, "I get to be t-t-together with her… I'm so… happy…" He keeps crying. You no longer know what he's crying about.(click-goto:?page,"Celebration 2")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and (history:) contains "Lily End", "subj", "More virus spam", "from", "SuperIvan", )\ Update on the Y DONT U LOVE ME? spams. There's a copycat of this virus going around that has two email attachments. They're named as if they're anti-spam programs, which assumes people are stupid enough to fall for that. Sadly, they're definitely right. Good thing you're not, though. Don't even think about opening one. -SuperIvan `--------` "Definition of Communism: You have two cows. The state takes both and gives everyone a drop of milk." -- Anonymous Powered by Rotate-a-Sig™: randomizing your sig since 1998! $extLink[kumquatsoftware.www/emailplugins/index.asp] $thoughts[= Finally, he adds another sig. You haven't felt this relieved to see one of his sigs in five shifts. $next[= Wait… He's talking about //you//, isn't he? Those attachments are… you and Chimes. Your virus is spreading. It's proliferating. You've gotten your copies onto enough computers that even Ivan noticed. $next[= The world starts to sway. Your workspace suddenly feels full of water. Your Wand of Deletion feels like it'll drift away unless you keep gripping it by your side. An intoxicating feeling fills you. You've never felt it before. It feels like you're glowing. Like the light in your workspace is coming from you. $next[= Is it… success? Is this what having a plan… succeed… feels like? $next[= But your plan hasn't suceeded yet. All you've done is send out a virus. You don't really know if any of this will even get Laurie any closer to her computer again. No. This feeling… must be nausea. From stress. Or the prime numbers you drank. You knew drinking numbers was completely unnatural. You stand as still as possible until the feeling passes.

($displayEmail: (passage:"Unsubscribe 8")) $thoughts[= "We're sending it as a reply… to this email." you say once Chimes manages to put it on display. Wizard inspects the email. "This is part of a reply chain, one with dozens of addresses in it… Zap, do you mean that I should reply to…" $next[= "Yes," you answer. "**Reply to All.**"(click-goto:?page,"Finish Worm")

"Now… SpamZapper," Wizard asks after a short pause, "I still need the destination. I know that this is a… a virus…" Wizard stumbles through the word, "so who should we send it to?" "It's gotta be one of those addresses that's close to Laurie's dad's interests, right?" says Chimes next to you. "Like the college, or that newsletter, The Centenary?" $next[= "No," you tell the air around you, "even though that may seem more likely to spread to Laurie's dad, those places are professional companies, and their secretaries are likely to delete the virus email without spreading it. We need an address that's guaranteed to spread it… unprofessional, gullible people who'll click on anything." You already know a very good candidate. $next[= "Chimes, let's go to your workspace and search for an email containing 'HATWE HAETW HATRE'." Chimes makes a valiant, yet futile effort to not burst into exasperated laughter.(click-goto:?page,"Writing Worm 7")

(metadata: "storylet", when (passage:)'s name is "Debt Resolution 2", "exclusivity", 2, "innerEvent", true, )\ You run. You run and run. You sprint out of your workspace. You bolt down the narrow corridor you only recently learned existed. And you dash into the darkness of the Sentbox folder. $next[= You finally stop running. You don't know why you were running. You just… need some time… to think. OK. Don't panic. There's no way that agency can actually do anything //too// bad to you or the Human. There are laws, aren't there? They can't just threaten them, or kill them, because of– $next[= You are blasted by horrible, sonorous echoes that sound like the shrieking of the dead. What?! What was that noise? …That was your screaming. You'd just screamed. Maybe you should try to stop panicking or thinking again. $next[= Stop panicking. Stop thinking. Stop working, too. Just for a few cycles. Just //stop.// $next[= You stop. $next[= Here you are, surrounded by sent emails from the Human. Large rectangles suspended vertically in long rows. One of them is just in front of you. Why not get another glimpse at the Human's writing? You enjoyed reading that one email from them. Why not another? Why not find out a little more about the Human? Maybe you'll see something that makes it seem like they won't uninstall Postboy Deluxe. Wouldn't you like that? You take a look.(click-goto:?page,"Spoony 2")

(metadata: "storylet", when visits is 0 and ($wormDatamaps is (a:) and (history:) does not contain "Goodbye"), "subj", "Look up John 3:16", "exclusivity", -3, "from", "Luther Bergstrom", )\ $thoughts[= No body. No message. Just "Look up John 3:16" in the subject line, from a complete stranger. Is there even a 16th scene in act 3 of John? This sounds like one of those "The word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary" pranks.